Dark Child - Preface

Spoiler

Sorry for the wierd way it's structured... there's something wrong with it cause I keep changing it yet it keep getting back to looking like this

Our feet were dancing on the surface of the water, until we finally dared to take the leap and fall down fully.
We shivered when the cold embraced us. Then we took a deep breath each and felt the chilly air fill our lungs.
The moon had a red glowing shimmer tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up only by the gazillion stars glancing down on us. I watched a soft and quite breeze make tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peak at the world around me, so dark yet so beautiful.

It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of new cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn’t see much of my surroundings but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees and by-passing people. I heard whispers and the barks from a dog far, far away.

I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own
heartbeat. I opened my eyes, it stung a little when the salty water met my eyes. At first I could see nothing but slowly the
contours of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet cloths pulled her even further down,
as did mine.

Even at this distance her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed, they seemed always to be shining with a light no
other pair of eyes I’d seen owed and her long, dark hair made a perfect contrast to them. I drifted closer towards
her until my hands could meet hers which she had stretched towards me. Our palms seemed to be made to meet, fitting
together just like two pieces of a puzzle.

Even though we fit so perfectly together we were still very unalike. Sure, we both had hairs as dark as the feathers of a
raven and we both had pale skin. Mine was scared and rough though, while hers was unscathed and smooth. Our eyes were the biggest difference between us. Hers were big, gifted with long eye-lashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine were smaller, more oval and of the color of deepest, darkest black.

My eyes though, were the one thing that made me different not only from her, but from everybody. Fact was, that mine
were ALL black, not only my irises. This was also what separated me from everybody but her. Because she was the only one who dared to know me, the only one who couldn’t see, sense or did believe in my darkness.

That is why she didn’t seem scared when my hands moved from her palms to her wrists and why she didn’t seem bothered when my grip hardened, why she kept smiling at me while we sunk further down the ocean…

Our feet were dancing on the surface of the water, until we finally dared to take the leap and fall down fully.

We shivered when the cold embraced us. Then we took a deep breath each and felt the chilly air fill our lungs.

The moon had a red glowing shimmer tonight and the sky was painted black, lit up only by the gazillionGazillion seems a bit strange here, breaks the flow a tad stars glancing down

on us. I watched a soft and quite breeze make tiny little waves on the surface. I took a short peak at the world around me,

so dark yet so beautiful.

It was summer and the air was filled with a mist of new cut grass, flowers and warmth. I couldn%u2019t see much of my

surroundings but I could see the silhouettes of blooming trees and by-passing people.(I think passers by would be more appropriate here) I heard whispers and the barks from a

dog far, far away.

I let my body sink deep enough so that my mouth, nose and eyes were covered with water and I heard nothing but my own

heartbeat. I opened my eyes, it stung a little when the salty water met my eyesYou said eyes twice too closely together. At first I could see nothing but slowly the

contoursgreat word choice =] of my other half dissolved. She had sunk much further than me and her wet cloths clothEspulled her even further down,

as did mine.

Even at this distance her incredibly blue eyes were not to be missed, they seemed always to be shining with a light no

other pair of eyes I%u2019d seen owedthis sentence is a bit confusing, maybe try to word it differently and her long, dark hair made a perfect contrast to them. I drifted closer towards

her until my hands could meet hers which she had stretched towards me. Our palms seemed to be made to meet, fitting

together just like two pieces of a puzzle. great description

Even though we fit so perfectly together we were still very unalike. Sure, we both had hairs drop the S on hairs =]as dark as the feathers of a

raven and we both had pale skin. Mine was scared scarred I think? and rough though, while hers was unscathed and smooth. Our eyes were

the biggest difference between us. Hers were big, gifted with long eye-lashes and her irises were oceanic blue while mine

were smaller, more oval and of the color of deepest, darkest black. This description is a bit off I think. Maybe try to compare her eyes to onyx instead of saying deep dark

My eyes though, were the one thing that made me different not only from her, but from everybody. Fact was, that mine

were ALL black, not only my irises. This was also what separated me from everybody but her. Because she was the only one the capitilization of all doesn't really fit, maybe try rewording a bit.

who dared to know me, the only one who couldn%u2019t see, sense or did believe in my darkness.

That is why she didn%u2019t seem scared when my hands moved from her palms to her wrists and why she didn%u2019t seem bothered

when my grip hardened, why she kept smiling at me while we sunk further down the ocean%u2026

Overall I think this is a really great start =] There's a few things here and there that could get polished up to make it a bit more professional, but other than that its good =]

The first reviewer pretty much touched on all of the cosmetic issues, so I'll go a little deeper. First, if you do plan on writing this into a novel or even just a short story / novella, I would take what you have so far and develop it into a more structured background piece on both your characters and your plot. I have one right now for my novel-in-progress and if nothing else, it will help you keep track of character backgrounds and time/date/plot consistency.

I really enjoyed the imagery you used and would say since that is obviously a strength of yours that you find in your comfort zone, to really incorporate that into your writing. Take the extra time when laying out the plot to slow down and describe what all is happening around your characters, and how they are reacting to the scenery and setting around them.

Keep up the good work, and as always keep writing and reading. The only way to improve and grow a comfort level for writing is to write and read others' writing.

Hey ally! I was not, was not, was not looking through your work

Is there any particular reason this is spaced in this manner? I assume it's just a glitch type thing, but it's slightly off putting - you may want to try and change it if you can!
You said you prefer writing in Swedish because of the adjectives, yet I think you have used beautiful imagery here! Nitpicks have already been pointed out, I was just being a bit of a stalker really! Are you going to continue this piece?