Young Writers Society

The swans pass by as a symbol of our love,
the clouds they part, hope from above.
Upon the soft earth, water twinkling at our feet,
the flowers blossoming, smelling so sweet.
Out by the lake, we're playing so free,
this beautiful place is like heaven for me.

Out on the beach it's our place to be,
the warm summers breeze a spirit from the sea,
massaging my skin as we roll in the sand,
in the heat of our romance we walk hand in hand.
This is our place, a heaven for me.

Lying in the garden, our own little world,
peacefully in your lap, snuggled and curled.
Being with you twenty- four seven,
Baby I tell you it's my own heaven.

Lying on the couch watching TV,
you wriggle and shuffle closer to me,
something so simple is heaven for me.

Nothing is sweeter than when you kiss my head,
Cuddled together, my heavens your bed.

Anywhere with you is like heaven to me!

Well, I'm not really big on rhyming in general, but I thought your rhyming was actually pretty good. The rhythm gets kind of repetitive, though, and it got kind of annoying after awhile. The topic of the poem itself was also kind of really sugary sweet, but overall I thought it was well written.

I thought it was really cute and sweet, etc. I also liked your mention of the swan. I don't know about you, but swans are totally awesome and very romantic.

Anyway, nice job and welcome to YWS!

A nice poem. Your imagery was good, and you had most of the elements for a good poem. I did tend to get tired from all of the rhyme, although I must say it was better than what many people are able to do. I think, for me, at least, giving this poem a sort of "rounded, whole" feeling took rephrasing it in my mind, reading it aloud in my head, pacing it without keeping the dull uniformity. Let me decipher the message in that mess for you: You might want to change the words up a bit, or add a few commas or other punctuation, to avoid the much dreaded sing-song effect.

I do look forward to reading more of your work!

This is a well written poem. I would take an exerpt and write it on a valentine. :love: I enjoyed reading this!

I thought this poem was very sweet, the subject matter always seems to be a hard one for me to write about, so it is much appreciated when someone else can do it so sweetly and truthfully.

Nice, typical poem. That's a compliment by the way. However, it was a tad ordinary. But the good kind. Haha, I'm the King Of Contradiction...

Anyhow, I think maybe the tagline "... heaven for me" may have been used a little too much. But, I think, the imagery of it all made up for that.

Nice. :thumb: