I have always wondered about death. I wonder what happens to us when we die. Does it hurt? Is it the light at the end of the tunnel, or some other cliché like that? Is it dark and cold and scary? Should I be afraid of it, should I embrace it? What would happen if I died? Would anyone notice that I was gone? Would anybody really care? Who would miss me? I wanted to know, so I’m making a list, a list of all the people who I would miss if I died.
One, my dad Timothy, Two, my mom Caroline (and her latest boyfriend Mark), three, my baby brother Jeremy (a.k.a Germy), four my only sister Chloe, five, my grandparents, six, my never-ending line of cousins, seven, my sporty aunts and aggressive uncles, eight, my best friend Clair, nine, my teachers and coaches, ten, my friends and teammates, eleven, my…
Well I guess that’s it. Not a very long list is it? I wonder if any of them would miss me. I wonder who would be the first to notice that I was gone. One thing’s for sure, my sister Chloe, she wouldn’t miss me; she doesn’t like me that much. I’m sure she would be happy if were dead.
Now if I were going to die, what would be the last thing I would want to tell my family? Let’s see, with Chloe, I would tell her that I was sorry. I was sorry for hugging her at school which embarrassed her in front of her friends. I would tell her that I was sorry for not telling her what she wanted to hear, when she got upset. I would say sorry that she couldn’t take the SAT’s when she wanted, because I needed my medicine. I would tell her that I was sorry for being such a tattle-tale whenever she hit me. I would tell her that I was sorry for everything I have ever done to her. Yeah, I think that is what I would say to her.
Now then what would I say to my dad? I think I would tell him that it was my fault that he and mom got divorced. I would tell him that I was sorry that we never got to go on that fishing trip he promised me, which we had planned since I was ten. I would tell him that I wish he had custody of me instead of mom, so I wouldn’t have to see mom with a new guy ever week. And lastly I think I would tell him that I loved him more than the moon and stars combined.
To Germy what could I say to him? I could tell him that I love him too, but he probably wouldn’t remember me, but on the other hand, he’s very smart for a two year old. So maybe he would remember me, maybe, just maybe.
Now for mom, what would I say to her? What would I want to say to her? There are so many things that I wish I could tell her, but even now I’m too afraid to tell her. I’m too scared to tell how Chloe truly treated me when she was gone. I want to tell her that I hate her multiple boyfriends. I wish I could tell her how angry it made me when Germy was crying at two in the morning and she was passed out on the couch with beer bottles all over the floor.
Now if you are reading this, then you know that I am already gone. It is sad to say that I could never actually tell all of you what I really wanted to. That I had let it go this far in order for me to say what I really wanted to say, what I needed to say, so now that I have your attention, I need to tell all of you what I have always needed to say; Do I dare say I love you.
