Carry Me Home Chapter 5

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Chapter Five
When Laynie got back from her jazz band lessons, she found Jonah and I on the couch, my head on his lap. We were watching the old Russian cartoons. Animals stomped around the screen, their steps accented, not by words, but by the shrill cry of a flute, or the low thud of a timpani drum.
“Well, that’s nice. Did you guys make any head way with practice?” she asked, looking at me in particular.
Jonah and I looked at each other for a moment and exchanged thoughtful faces before we looked at her and nodded.
“Well, I have news for the both of you. Mostly for Tide though since it’ll affect her the most.” She said and then added, “I have to work tomorrow from noon to eight. So I was wondering if you wanted to make plans with someone else,” she coughed and crooked her head and Jonah, who was still wrapped up in the cartoons. I should say, that he was pretending to be wrapped up in the cartoons, because the second Laynie said that he spoke up.
“Tide can hang out with me if she wants. I have nothing to do tomorrow and I was planning to hang out with you guys anyway.” He said, looking down at me.
I blushed.
“How does that sound, Tide?” Laynie asked me, with the smallest of smiles on her face. I knew that inside, she was happy dancing like crazy for me.
“That sounds pretty good, I think. Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything here? I mean, I’ve practically taken over your house.”
“Tide, seriously? Laynie looked at me with a what-are-you-even-talking-about? Look.
I shrugged, slightly frightened by her expression.
“You’re hanging out with Jonah tomorrow. He’s picking you up at noon, and you’re going to his house for the day. He’ll bring you back at whatever time he sees fit.” Laynie smiled devilishly. “But as for right now. I feel like jamming for a bit, what do you guys say?”
I jumped up from my spot and darted downstairs with Jonah and Laynie unable to say a word before I was out of sight.
I made my way down the stairs to the back room, sat down in the chair that I had been sitting in earlier, with Jonah’s head in my lap.
I sat quietly, waiting for Laynie and Jonah, who were carefully their way carefully down the stairs.
Laynie walked in looking at me curiously.
“What was that about?” she asked.
“I need to show you a new song.” I tell her, flipping open my sketch book to the page that I needed.
“What’s it called?” she asked.
“Russian roulette slash the Jonah song.” I blushed.
Jonah walked into the room a moment later and looked at me as if we shared a secret that we would remember every time we stepped foot into the room that we were in now.
He sat down behind his kit and listened me sing the song that I had written for him once more.

Laynie and I worked on lyrics. She cranked out strings of words while I hunted down tunes and vice versa. Laynie and I were gifted lyricists, especially when we worked as a team. She had a way with finding creative rhythms and beats and then teaching me how to sing them. She had to teach me how without actually singing though. Jonah and Laynie were best friends, they told each other everything, but with music, we put ourselves on the line, ripped our chests open for everyone to see what was within us. Laynie was still nervous with Jonah, scared that he’d take what he could and leave, tell the whole world what he’d heard and expose her.
Of course, Jonah would never do that to her, to either of us for that matter, because he had just as much to lose. But as I sat there, listening to Laynie attempt to sing without actually sounding like herself, I decided that those kinds of barriers between us didn’t need to exist.
“Laynie.” I said after she had finished what she wanted me to repeat.
“Yes dear?” she asked.
“Sing.”
“No.” she said blankly.
“Please?” I whined.
“No.” she said again.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because I said so.”
“That’s a stupid reason.” I said.
She stuck her tongue out.
“ Come on, Laynie. We’re best friends. We tell each other everything. I mean really, look at that kid. I swear, he’d buy us tampons if we asked him too.” I pouted at her.
We both looked at Jonah, his nose was wrinkled for just a second, and then he smiled; the smile that could stop my heart if he wanted it to.
“See? How can you refuse that face?” I cooed.
Laynie looked at Jonah, and then at me, thinking about what she should do. Her shoulders slumped, her head drooped. “I guess.” She said, lifted her hands up as a sign of forfeit.
Jonah jumped out of his drum seat, and I sidled out of my chair, we sat on the floor cross legged in front of Laynie, waiting for the big surprise.
And then she sang. Jonah looked from me to Laynie in amazement. He hadn’t expected her to sound so raw, so full of emotion. I smiled, proud of what I had done, proud of Laynie for being strong enough to put her soul out for Jonah to see.
I moved my hands from in my lap, to my sides, pressing my palms into the concrete. My eyes bulged as I felt Jonah’s hand wrap around mine. I blushed, and closed my eyes, letting Laynie’s lyrics pour over me like the warmth that flowed through my hand.
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)




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I can't help but notice that your chapters are relatively short. This doesn't matter if you are planning on writing lots of them but I get the felling that the previous one and this one could be combined. Two pages doesn't really constitute a chapter in a novel, perhaps a novella though.

There are only a few nitpicky points I have for this chapter:

tydecker777 wrote:“Tide, seriously? Laynie looked at me with a what-are-you-even-talking-about? Llook.


tydecker777 wrote: I sat quietly, waiting for Laynie and Jonah, who were carefully makingtheir way carefully down the stairs.


That's all I have! Your grammer for the most part is good, and I think you're finally getting the hang of your tenses. I think Laynie could have resisted more when Tide asks her to sing and I think there should have been something more happening in this chapter, but other than that it was nice and light to read.




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When Laynie got back from her jazz band lessons, she found Jonah and I on the couch, my head on his lap. We were watching the old Russian cartoons. Animals stomped around the screen, their steps accented, not by words, but by the shrill cry of a flute, or the low thud of a timpani drum.
“Well, that’s nice. Did you guys make any head way with practice?” she asked, looking at me in particular.
Jonah and I looked at each other for a moment and exchanged thoughtful faces before we looked at her and nodded.
“Well, I have news for the both of you. Mostly for Tide though since it’ll affect her the most.” She said and then added, “I have to work tomorrow from noon to eight. So I was wondering if you wanted to make plans with someone else,” she coughed and crooked her head and at Jonah, who was still wrapped up in the cartoons. I should say, that he was pretending to be wrapped up in the cartoons, because the second Laynie said that he spoke up. the way you phrased this last sentence was confusing to me. Something like ‘more like pretending to be wrapped up in cartoons, because after Laynie finished saying this he spoke up.’
“Tide can hang out with me if she wants. I have nothing to do tomorrow and I was planning to hang out with you guys anyway.” He said, looking down at me.
I blushed.
“How does that sound, Tide?” Laynie asked me, with the smallest of smiles on her face. I knew that inside, she was happy dancing like crazy for me.
“That sounds pretty good, I think. Are you sure you don’t need me to do anything here? I mean, I’ve practically taken over your house.”
“Tide, seriously? end quote Laynie looked at me with a what-are-you-even-talking-about? Look.
I shrugged, slightly frightened by her expression.
“You’re hanging out with Jonah tomorrow. He’s picking you up at noon, and you’re going to his house for the day. He’ll bring you back at whatever time he sees fit.” Laynie smiled devilishly. “But as for right now. I feel like jamming for a bit, what do you guys say?”
I jumped up from my spot and darted downstairs with Jonah and Laynie unable to say a word before I was out of sight.
I made my way down the stairs to the back room, sat down in the chair that I had been sitting in earlier, with Jonah’s head in my lap.
I sat quietly, waiting for Laynie and Jonah, who were carefully their way carefully down the stairs. reread this sentence.
Laynie walked in looking at me curiously.
“What was that about?” she asked.
“I need to show you a new song.” I tell her, flipping open my sketch book to the page that I needed.
“What’s it called?” she asked.
“Russian roulette slash the Jonah song.” I blushed.
Jonah walked into the room a moment later and looked at me as if we shared a secret that we would remember every time we stepped foot into the room that we were in now.
He sat down behind his kit and listened me sing the song that I had written for him once more.

Laynie and I worked on lyrics. She cranked out strings of words while I hunted down tunes and vice versa. Laynie and I were gifted lyricists, especially when we worked as a team. She had a way with finding creative rhythms and beats and then teaching me how to sing them. She had to teach me how without actually singing though. Jonah and Laynie were best friends, they told each other everything, but with music, we put ourselves on the line, ripped our chests open for everyone to see what was within us. Laynie was still nervous with Jonah, scared that he’d take what he could and leave, tell the whole world what he’d heard and expose her.
Of course, Jonah would never do that to her, to either of us for that matter, because he had just as much to lose. But as I sat there, listening to Laynie attempt to sing without actually sounding like herself, I decided that those kinds of barriers between us didn’t need to exist.
“Laynie.” I said after she had finished what she wanted me to repeat.
“Yes dear?” she asked.
“Sing.”
“No.” she said blankly.
“Please?” I whined.
“No.” she said again.
“Why?”
“Because.”
“Because why?”
“Because I said so.”
“That’s a stupid reason.” I said.
She stuck her tongue out.
“ Come on, Laynie. We’re best friends. We tell each other everything. I mean really, look at that kid. I swear, he’d buy us tampons if we asked him too.” I pouted at her.
We both looked at Jonah, his nose was wrinkled for just a second, and then he smiled; the smile that could stop my heart if he wanted it to.
“See? How can you refuse that face?” I cooed.
Laynie looked at Jonah, and then at me, thinking about what she should do. Her shoulders slumped, her head drooped. “I guess.” She said, lifted her hands up as a sign of forfeit.
Jonah jumped out of his drum seat, and I sidled out of my chair, we sat on the floor cross legged in front of Laynie, waiting for the big surprise.
And then she sang. Jonah looked from me to Laynie in amazement. He hadn’t expected her to sound so raw, so full of emotion. I smiled, proud of what I had done, proud of Laynie for being strong enough to put her soul out for Jonah to see.
I moved my hands from in my lap, to my sides, pressing my palms into the concrete. My eyes bulged as I felt Jonah’s hand wrap around mine. I blushed, and closed my eyes, letting Laynie’s lyrics pour over me like the warmth that flowed through my hand.



I think this is the shortest chapter so far. I couldn’t find any major grammar mistakes, so you’re good there.

This felt kind of like an in-between chapter, and I think you could look over it again a few more times and try to find places where you can add more. The most exciting thing was definitely Laynie singing at the end, but I can’t even remember much of what was at the beginning of the chapter, although I’m sure I liked it.

So good job, but this would be one chapter that I think could use a bit more polish, just to put it up to the standards of the ones before it.

Btw the line about Jonah being nice enough to buy them tampons was hilarious lol
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



You cannot have an opponent if you keep saying yes.
— Richard Siken