Last edited by MUCHO on Mon Jul 25, 2011 12:17 am, edited 1 time in total.
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
This is very well done. I love your word choice and how deep it sounds. Keep up the good work. I'm not sure if I understand the first verse, but the second verse is very well thought out and I think it's phenomenal.
So, the poem feels vacant. I don't mean that in the kind of 'haha, your form mimics your content' or something like that, but like, it feels so empty and I feel like there is something hiding behind the curtain that I'd rather see come out.
Right from the first stanza:
There glows a pale-golden dawn: Where the knowledge of the ancient past, Shines through the silent pain.
Pale-golden dawn, aw, how nice. Ancient past, oh, redundant and vague. Silent pain, eck, repetition of the previous line's rhythm and again, vague, nothing real for me to hold on to. There's nothing that interests me because there is nothing accessible in these words. It's too far off, and it's like you're speaking way over there, I can't even hear what you're saying.
Looking at that, don't you feel a really wide space? In my investigation of my feelings (and this might not be the same for you, in which case I'm not sure how to explain it), the shadows were essential to defining the space. They bring in the idea of a harsh sun, the connection to the ground. They seem far away in the field, but they are connected to the earth, we can see this because of their shadows. Even those elephants way up high are still connected to reality, not just floating, because their legs are leaving shadows.
Your poem is like a planet way out in space, no shadow, and I have no way to relate to it. It's beautiful, but there is nothing real about it.
Except, of course there's always an exception, except this:
All the knowledge of those who cherished others, Before I found myself loving another,
THIS is someplace I wanna go. There can be distant relations to this thought, but this seems the closest thing to a key I have into the poem, into what you're trying to communicate to me. If you want to bring it back down to earth where it can leave a shadow, you might try working out from this point, making sure you have this anchor first, and then raising up into the sky like those teetering elephants.
I really hope that you understood what I meant. If you don't, PM me or something with questions and we'll talk more.
Hannah
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants are you a green room knight yet? have you read this week's Squills?
I personally thought that from one hand, it sounded very grim and empty; but on the other hand, it had something optimistic inside. For me it was a very rewarding and interesting read, I also just loved your choice of a title. Keep writing.
'I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.' -Stephen G. Tallentyre
"Great minds think alike- idiots are unpredictable"
"This is our decision, to live fast and die young... Yeah it's overwhelming, but what else can we do? Get jobs in offices and wake up for the morning commute?
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce, find some more models; everything must run its course!
Fated to Pretend
A couple of nit pick things: One: If this is a poem, the begining letter of each line in each stanza should be capitalised. Two: you forgot to put a semi colin at the end of the poem, like you had one at the begining. Three: Maybe you coul make it rigm more. I don't know because, some poetry is just oppiniated thoughts more than it is like a cow jumped over the moon, rigm rigm nursery thing, so you might not want to do that. Just a suggestion. Four: I felt it could have been a bit longer, because it was so extrodinarily fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!
Other than that, this is an epic poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't imagine a poem that could describe growing up, and life, so well as yours did. Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep it up, and don't stop writing, because you paint a picture like no other I've read!!!!!!!!!! Well done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
