My Addiction

I've been given 100 years
To live to the fullest extent
Ten thousand moments to lead
Countless hours to let.

With every puff of lethal smoke
I'll subtract an hour,
An injection in a lonely room
My life is going sour.
Ages pass,
Recover.
Relapse,
Still not completely here,

I've devastated my family
and friends,
Year, after year, after year.

I've got 86 more years to live
And I don't intend to waste it.
Ten thousand moments left to lead
Every hour I'm given I'll take it.
______________________________________________________
(note: changes are being added, as i get suggestions)

the first paragraph was rather cliche, the middle was brilliant, the last was...only decent.

With every puff of lethal smoke
I'll subtract an hour,
An injection in a lonely room
My life's still going sour.
Ages pass,
Recover.
Relapse,
Still not completely here,

I would change the fourth like to "My life IS going sour" it sounds more fluent, otherwise I loved it.

thank you so much!

Any suggestions for the beginning and end?

I don't really have anything to comment, except that I think it's simplistically really good. It's said in such an innocent way that it sticks to your mind a lot more.

Anyway, good job.

thank yo u so mch Snoink!

It's a good poem. Reminds me of D.A.R.E. classes in elementary. I wish I could give more in-depth advice, but my knowledge of grammar/mechanics/poetry is somewhat limited.
So once again, good work.

Thank you so much for the comment. Yeah, the poem is for Health class, so it's kind of like D.A.R.E.

By the way I have some awesome news, my health teacher REALLY liked the poem and said she was going to laminate it. (Which is like a big thing, I must sound like a 7-year-old now!)

Snoink wrote:I don't really have anything to comment, except that I think it's simplistically really good. It's said in such an innocent way that it sticks to your mind a lot more.

Anyway, good job.

You read my mind.

I really enjoyed the steady rhythm and the unforced rhyming. Really good poem

Its really meaningful. Keep up the good work!

I can't seem to come up with some constructive criticism for the beginning and end, but the middle I loved. Overall, nice job. :thumb:

thanks for the help you guys!