Yoho...Yoho...A Pirates Life for Me

This is a short scene I wrote up a while back. Same story, in two points of view. Hope you enjoy =)


3rd POV

Tarnished boots clanked the deck in rapid pace. Alissandra leapt and smacked into the netting of thick, woven ropes and began to climb the ship’s tall mast. Off the horizon, a shadow caught her eye, causing her to pause in mid-step. She squinted from the bright glare of the sky coated with white, cottony mists and raised an eyebrow, hesitantly moving upward.

Swinging her legs over the crow’s nest railing, she planted her feet, leaning with the tipping motions the ship made in a calm terrain of a vast turquoise sea. Cooling winds flapped Alissandra’s loose, long sleeve while she took up her telescope. The approaching ship neared fast, and a breath seeped from her gaping lips as her eager fingers gripped tighter. It was Bengemin’s ship, the young king, and a close friend of hers. She scanned the deck through her scope, pinning out Bengemin’s aunt, draped in silks.

Alissandra slumped miserably, reflecting on his aunt’s ability to malign those “less fortunate”, something she called Alissandra. Shuddering, Alissandra quickly moved her view, searching. At last, she spotted him . . . Bengemin poised in dark pants, boots, and a loose white long-sleeve. He stood near the wheel with his telescope to his eye—pointed directly at her. Gasping, Alissandra dropped her hands and bit her bottom lip. Unable to resist, she lifted the viewer back to her eye. He was grinning.


1st POV

I was born to the sea. Sailed the world, seen numerous things beyond imagination. Yet, nothing could ever compare to this divine moment, I thought, as I leaned with the tipping motions the ship made in a calm terrain. From the crow’s nest, I gazed out at the vast sea, shimmering from the bright glare of an overcast sky.

Moments before, a shadow off the horizon had caught my eye as I climbed the tall mast. I recognized it was a ship, but couldn’t make out if it was friend or foe. Although, the shape made me wonder . . . was that—could it be? I grabbed my ‘scope once in the nest, but it wasn’t until the ship drew closer did I realize it was the king, a dear friend of mine!

Crewmen on board the approaching ship came into view, including one I’d prefer to vanish from the earth. Bengemin’s aunt, looking stiff as a vertical plank draped in silks. Sour memories poured into my mind of that woman’s ability to slander and look down that winkled nose at those “less fortunate” as she labeled mates like me.

A chilling shudder shot up my spine at the mere sight of her and—quickly—moved my viewer, searching the bodies. At last, there he was! Bengemin poised in his casual attire near the wheel. He held his telescope to his eye—pointed directly at me!? My hands dropped to my sides. What must I look like? Maybe he was looking somewhere else on my ship? I lifted the viewer back to my eye and saw he was grinning.


I appreciate any constructive critiques. Are my descriptions stretched out too long? Is there a natural flow to both pieces? Feel free to give your honest opinion. Thank you! =)

nice. i really enjoyed reading it...

Tarnished boots clanked the deck in rapid pace.

really appreciate the way you started off the scene

your descriptions are great. the flow of words is also good.
i loved your choice of words

Thank you and thanks for the review! It means alot =)

Hey Ceely!

Nitpicks:

Alissandra leapt and smacked into the netting

I don't think "leapt" is a word. I get what you're trying to say, my computer has the word underlined in a little red squiggly. I'm not sure what the past tense of "leap" is, so may try to find a new word all together?

a shadow caught her eye, causing her to pause in mid-step.

How did she pause mid-step if she's already jumped into the netting? Did she pause as she was climbing? Maybe say "mid-climb" instead.

Swinging her legs over the crow’s nest railing,

Phrases like this are just a general pet-peeve of mine. You can technically do it, but I think it sounds better to switch it to a more active voice. "Alissandra swung her legs over the crow's nest railing and planted her feet..."

Alissandra’s loose, long sleeve

She only has one sleeve?

She scanned the deck through her scope, pinning out Bengemin’s aunt, draped in silks.

I would continue to say "telescope" instead of abbreviating. "Pinning out" sounds a little odd to me. I would go with "spotting".

Bengemin poised in dark pants, boots, and a loose white long-sleeve shirt.

Sailed the world, seen numerous things beyond imagination.

This sentence is a fragment. Add a subject or add it to the sentence before it. I would also take out the comma and replace it with "and".

Yet, nothing could ever compare to this divine moment, I thought, as I leaned with the tipping motions the ship made in a calm terrain.

You don't need the "I thought" because it's in first person. We already know that it's her thoughts. If you put that statement in quotes like "Nothing could ever compare to this divine moment", then you would have to say "I thought". A lot of people put thoughts like that into italics to make them stand out against the rest of the text easier.

I grabbed my ‘scope once in the nest,

If you want to keep "scope" in the 3rd person section, I'd add the little ' before it like you did here so it's clear that it's an abbreviation.

A chilling shudder shot up my spine at the mere sight of her and—quickly—moved my viewer, searching the bodies.

Period after "sight of her". Then, "I quickly moved..."
"Search the bodies"? For what?

At last, there he was!

Period instead of exclamation mark.

He held his telescope to his eye—pointed directly at me!?

Make this two sentences instead of having the line. Also, only one punctuation mark at the end of "me".

I thought both versions were very well done. I love the character names and how you spelled them! You did a really great job with the descriptions. I could picture the scene happening in my mind. You used great verbs and adjectives.

I didn't really know the characters super well or feel anything for them, but there were only three paragraphs But you did do a good job of making me curious about them. I want to know about their history together and what the deal is with this mom. Physical descriptions of the characters could have been nice so I could picture them, but the piece is so short, it's probably not completely necessary.

In both scenes, the whole thing is in past tense. I think both could be stronger if you made it more active and in the present tense. I'm really bad at doing this too (I just read over an old novel that I almost finished and realized it all sucks, it's not exciting, and you don't feel for the characters because it's all so passive. Blah. :/) so try and get in the habit, especially with short scenes like this, of making them active so the reader feels more engaged.

Are you thinking of continuing or was this a one-time-deal sort of scene?

Overall, I think you did a really nice job though! Let me know if you have any questions or need anything else!

-Carly

Thank you for the review, Carly =)

I see what you mean in your critiques. 'Very helpful insight, I'll definately work some changes in.

I wrote this for a writing assignment within 500 words, but originally, I had a much larger story idea and am planning to expand it. Hopefully I can get some posted soon.

I appreciate you taking the time to review! Thanks again.