Carry Me Home Chapter 2

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Chapter Two
We turned the corner into Laynie’s driveway and my mouth dropped open. Her driveway was full of cars, none of which I could really see since it had grown dark outside during the drive.
My cheeks burned and I started to jump up and down again.
“Surprise!” she yelled. “Movie night!”
I laughed and squealed, grabbing my bags and nervously walking to the door. Laynie jogged ahead and went inside, no doubt telling people that I had arrived. I walked through the mud room, and looked down at myself, making sure that I had all of my things. My hair hung in my eyes and I brushed it back, tucking it behind my ear.
When I looked up I screamed and dropped my things. Jonah was there, his face flushed just as red as mine. He grabbed me and squeezed me with all of his strength, I buried my face in his shirt, holding him to me with every ounce of will that I had. His body was warm pressed against mine. Whenever I had seen him before, we had always left space in between, a few inches for distance, a few inches to remind people we were just friends. But not this time, every inch of him pressed against every inch of me in a hug that nearly brought me to tears. I closed my eyes and held him.
We pulled apart, but kept our hands on each other’s arms. The hug had lasted longer than most hugs should, but felt like it had only been a moment. Jonah winced and smiled.
“Jeez, Tide. You almost blew out my ear drum.” He laughed. I blushed and then backed up, looking down at my things that had ended up in a heap on the floor. Jonah helped me pick up my bags and take them into the dining room. Then we walked to the living room which was filled with people, not a single spot available on the furniture or the floor. Jonah and I stood next to each other, our arms so close to brushing that I could nearly feel his skin there on mine.
“Hi, Tide!” everyone yelled from their places and then continued to jabber among their groups and to me. Everyone was there. But as much as I loved all of them, Jonah and Laynie were my priority. Laynie made herself comfortable on someone’s lap and motioned for me to go away with Jonah. Hannah, Jonah’s girlfriend, stood in the middle of the room, her eyes on Jonah, on me. She smiled at me, not a gesture of kindness but one of acknowledgement and almost smugness, and then turned back to talking. Jonah edged out of the room. I followed.
He held out his hand and I looked at him curiously.
“Sketchbook.” He said. “And pencil, if you would.”
I scuttled back into the dining room, dug through my bag and brought him what he wanted.
He flipped open my sketchbook, which was mostly filled with lyrics, math problems and doodles, rather than actual sketches.
“You still have these?” Jonah roared with laughter as he pulled out some of the sketches he had done for me. We had done one of them together on a piece of notebook paper. The front side was my own creation, the back side was his. I had drawn Jonah in a banana suit getting attacked by gorillas. On the backside, Jonah had drawn himself in the banana suit, with an assault rifle in hand, blowing holes through one gorilla and the other being hung in a tree. It was morbidly hilarious.
He flipped open to a clean page and started to draw.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Something that Hannah and I started. I’m teaching her how to paint.”
“Is she any good?” I asked.
“Eh.” He shrugged. “She drew the lighthouse on the one we’re doing together. I think I should have done it.” He laughed.
I smiled a little to myself. Art would never be something they could really share. Art belonged to Laynie, Jonah, and I. It was something we loved, just as we loved music.
“What’s the color scheme?” I asked as a comfortable silence fell upon us.
“Dark purples and reds. A few greens in the water.”
Jonah continued to sketch, his lines quick and precise. He shaded and scribbled. I loved watching him. He was curled up on the chair by the computer desk as I sat comfortably with my back against the desk, my head resting on his knee.
“Why haven’t you told me that you’re coming to town?” he asked. His eyes fell on me, a liquid, inky blue in the dim light of the computer screen; it was the only light in the room.
I could hear Hannah in the room over, still chatting away. She came into the room and I quickly jerked away from Jonah. She laid a possessive hand on Jonah’s shoulder, she looked down at what he was sketching.
“Oh! That’s the one we were working on together!” she said, her voice animated. I imagined her painted fingers turning into claws in Jonah’s shoulders. My jaw clenched and I plastered on a smile that only Jonah would know was fake.
“Yeah.” Jonah said. Smiling up at her. His smile was real enough, but wasn’t genuine. My heart twisted in my chest. She ran a hand through his hair and then walked back out of the room just as quickly as she had come.
I scowled after her and then dropped my head onto his leg again. “How’s that going, anyway?” I asked, not really interested, but thinking it polite to ask anyway.
“It’s okay. She’s leaving tomorrow for New York. We spend a lot of time together. A lot.” He added on the end.
I laughed out loud. “You hate spending time with people all the time.” I said.
“Yea, I know. It’s weird. I can hang out with you and Laynie all day, but if I’m with the guys or Hannah, don’t tell her this or I’ll kill you, but I sort of just get bored. Not that I don’t like being with them, but it’s just so much easier being with you and Laynie. I don’t have to talk with you guys.”
“I know.” I smiled into his leg. “It’s like we can spend hours together and never say a word.”
He looked away from his sketch, staring at me point blank with a small smile on the corner of his lips. I gripped his leg and I could only remember one other time that we had been this close.
*****
Laynie’s garage was warm and I sat on the couch, Laynie’s hand was in mine.
“You need to tell him,” She said.
Jonah sat in the chair opposite of, his eyes trained on me, his jaw clenched and the muscles in his neck strained.
“I can’t,” I whined, tears welling in my eyes.
Jonah knew already. By the way I had been clenching my stomach and how I felt sick and tired all of the time. He knew, but I had to confirm it.
I slid off the couch onto the dirt-caked floor and wrapped myself around his leg. I buried my face into his knee, letting my tears fall freely. I grabbed his hand, and pressed it to my forehead, begging him to either lend me his strength or crush me where I sat. He brushed my hair back and squeezed my hand.
“Just promise me that you won’t hate me, kill me, or leave me.” I told him. “I’m so sorry.” I shook my head, tears continuing to fall.
“Tide, I’m not mad at you. Just tell me.” He spoke softly. I hugged his leg tighter. Anchoring him to me, begging him not to leave.
“I’m an idiot,” I said. “I’m just an idiot.”
“No you’re not,” He said, just as softly as before.
“Yes, I am. I made stupid mistakes that I wish that I could take back. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
I felt Laynie’s hands on my back, soothing me and urging me at the same time.
And then it spilled from me, the words stone-cold and dreadful. “Laynie and I have been talking about it for a few weeks now, and I haven’t wanted to psych myself out so we’ve really been monitoring it all…” I started. “We think I’m pregnant.” I sobbed again and turned away from him, not wanting to look at him, too scared to see the disgust written on his face.
Jonah lifted my face to look up at him, his eyes full of warmth. “I know.” His voice was just a whisper. He brushed away my tears with a calloused thumb. “Have you told your mom yet?”
“No,” I choked out.
“Well first things first. You need to confirm it. Go get a pregnancy test, figure out if you really are pregnant before you start to worry. If you are, we’ll all tell your parents. If you’re not, we’ll act like none of this ever happened.”
I nodded.
“And if you are, I’ll be there. We’ll figure it out.”
“James won’t help,” I said softly. “Laynie and I already told him that I had been worrying. He didn’t care.”
“Fuck James, Tide. I swear, when I get my hands on him...” His jaw clenched and I felt his arm on me tighten for just a second before he realized that his touch might hurt me. "They'll take me to jail for what I'll do to him."
I believed him when he said this. Jonah was good-natured and calm. Never had I seen him angry-- irritated maybe, but never angry. He had told me that only once had he hit someone, and when he had he’d broken their nose, given them a fat lip, and they’d been sent to the hospital.
Knowing this made me scared, but made me feel safe there next to him. Nothing would hurt me if he was there.
Laynie’s mom yelled for her from the house and Laynie got up from the couch and went to her mom. I lifted myself from the ground and moved to the couch, stretching out my legs and laughing a little from my legs being asleep.
Jonah got up from his seat and moved to sit on the arm of the couch next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders; I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face into his side.
“Do I smell bad?” He asked, pushing his weight down me to make me smell under his arm. I laughed and squealed, pushing him away. I breathed in the scent of his shirt, his chest.
“You smell good.” I smiled into him. We sat there laughing, our limbs intertwined. Laynie walked in with her phone in hand. She still had her eyes trained on her phone.
“My dad texted me.” she said, and then looked up. She looked taken aback for a second, confused as to why Jonah and I were so close. She looked at me, her eyes knowing everything without me saying a word.
*****
“You do realize she’s going to want to kill me now, right?” I asked, fiddling with a loose string on his jeans.
“How do you figure that?” he asked, still shading slightly but nearing completion on the sketch.
“Well. First of all, we didn’t turn the lights on. Second, we’re in here alone. And third, she’s probably wanting to slit my throat for not being ten yards away from you.”
“Nah, she wouldn’t. Well, maybe. We should probably go in there before she has a bitch fit.” Jonah laughed a little and then sat the pencil down on the computer desk. The computer screen darkened and Jonah jiggled the mouse to bring back our source of light. I gasped a little as I glanced down at his ten minute sketch. It was a light house scene, the kind of scene that left you thinking about what it would be like to stand within the page and be overwhelmed with the beauty that it held.
We stood up then and made our way to the living room where everyone was watching Jurassic Park 2 but talking about Air Bud.
“No more vanilla pudding cups for you!” Emmet yelled in a harsh voice as we walked in.
“Jonah!” Mitch yelled, getting up from his spot on the couch to hold Jonah's hand and smack his butt in that weird way that they had. I sat down on the chair that Laynie pointed at, flipped my legs over the arm and laid back. Jonah was approached by Hannah, making Mitch move back to the couch without a word and wide eyes. I tried to say something, but thought it better to keep my mouth shut. He grabbed her hand, which sent a little bit of a jolt through my chest, and then he guided her to a free spot on the floor, which happened to be located in front of my chair. Jonah sat right in front of me with Hannah to his right. He held her hand and we watched Jurassic Park 2.
“I love how much filming has changed since the nineties,” Tan said.
Emmet glowered at him. “This is clearly a two-thousand film!”
Jonah leaned his head back on my thigh and stuck his tongue out at me. I brushed my fingers through his hair, messing it up and we both laughed. Hannah squeezed his arm and laid her head down on his shoulder. I stiffened up, unsure of what to do now.
Jonah fake yawned, stretched his arm over his head and then reached back to pinch me.
“Ow!” I yelled.
Everyone looked at me, unsure of what to say.
“Stubbed my toe.” I mumbled and glared bullets into the back of Jonah’s head.
Jonah choked a laugh at my lame excuse and continued to pick on me throughout the end of Jurassic Park.
Hannah continued to push herself closer and closer to Jonah. I wanted to gag a little and laugh at how insecure she was. She gave up with a sigh as Jonah and I continued to mess around. She whispered in his ear, he looked at her, and then back at me for just a second.
“I think it’s time we head out, we’ll see you guys later.” Jonah says, helping Hannah up and giving people hugs.
I got up, waiting for my hug which was a given thing with us.
“Hey, Jonah, hug me.” I laughed.
But he didn’t. Hannah pulled him out the door without a word to me. My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach.

For another three hours, the rest of us walked around town in the dark and laid down in random people’s yards.
Tan groaned. “Can’t we just go sit down on Laynie’s porch? The chiggers are eating me alive.”
I agreed with him and swatted at my legs, trying to stop them from itching so much.
Emmet looked at us like we had oranges growing from our heads. “What the hell is a chigger?”
Tan and I took turns explaining what exactly a chigger was and where the expression came from. Emmet continued to not understand and made fun of us for it.
“Well, Emmet, at least we have those nineteen nineties films.” I grinned smugly.
Everyone laughed, even his girlfriend, who usually stays relatively quiet.
He ran at me full force then, tackling me and pretending to strangle me. I yelped loudly, laughing and screaming into the night sky.
“Who’s out there?” a gruff voice asked from the doorway of the house whose yard we were sitting in currently. The lights flicked on and before I knew what was happening, I was back on my feet running down the street, hooting and laughing all the way back to Laynie’s house.
We had been sitting on the porch for a while when Megan, another girl from our group who was also leaving for New York in the morning, got a phone call.
“Hello?” she answered.
Everyone sat still and grew quiet.
“Yeah, I can talk. We’re all just sitting around here.” She laughed a little.
Tan asked who it was, his motion of his lips was exaggerated, his voice no more than a slight whisper.
Megan put the phone to her chest for a second, “It’s Hannah, and she needs to talk to me privately.” Megan got up, looked at me for a long second, and then walked around the house to have her private conversation with Hannah.
Laynie and I made eye contact for a second. She quirked her head to the side, questioning what this was all about, I shrugged, completely unsure of what was going.
Around three in the morning, all of our guests were gone and we were curled up in her living room trying to get to sleep but still unable to stop talking.
“Guess what else?” Laynie smiled.
“What?” I turned around to face her. I was on a mattress on the floor; Laynie on her couch which she claimed was hot and uncomfortable in the summer.
“You have another surprise in the morning.” She said matter of factly.
“Is that so?” I laughed a little, unsure of what this surprise could be.
“Yup. And it may possibly be better than the one tonight.”
“No. Way.” I said with my snob voice.
“Yes way. Our dear friend Jonah is coming over to jam in the morning.” Laynie said happily and then rolled over on the couch, leaving me to wallow in the news, laughing and smiling. I wouldn’t sleep tonight.
Last edited by TylynRae on Sun Jul 10, 2011 8:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)




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ok so this... this is just AMAZING! I am completely and wholly jealous of your writing skills! I could really feel all of the emotion and that is something that not many authors (young or professional) can do, but you pulled it off PERFECTLY! Bravo! Also I felt like I knew the characters myself which is another thing that is hard to do but once again, you did it! Also it's especially good because I started on chapter two instead of one so that deserves another bravo! Keep it up! I will definitely keep reading everything else you post! ;)
"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." ~ Anton Chekhov




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Her driveway was full of cars, none of which I could really see since it had grown dark outside during the drive.


-The way you say "none of which I could really see" made me go "but you just said..." I know what you mean, and I'm just being picky, but you might want to change that phrase to something else.

“Surprise!” She yelled.


-You don't capitalize "she" here.

I laughed and squealed, grabbing my bags and forcing myself to walk to the door.


-I'm guessing that you're implying that you're excited yet nervous. But when you say something like "forcing myself to walk to the door" it sounds like you don't want to go inside, even though you're obviously happy about it. This sort of conflict makes the reader stop to wonder why the narrator's attitude has suddenly changed so drastically. I'd suggest explaining why she has to force herself ("I was so nervous I had to force myself to walk to the door.") or using something a bit less strong than "forcing".

His body was warm pressed against mine.


-I feel like "pressed" and "against" are saying the same thing, so consider getting rid of "pressed".

Whenever I had seen him before this, we had always left space in between, a few inches for distance, a few inches to remind people we were just friends.


-Maybe get rid of "this". It seems unnecessary.

I blushed and then backed up, looking down at my things that had ended up in a rugged pile on the floor.


-Unless you're carrying rocks, "rugged" isn't the best word to use here.

Jonah helped me pick up my bags and take them into the dining room. The living room was filled with people, not a single spot available on the furniture or the floor really.


-Unless "dining room" and "living room" are the same place, you need some sort of transition between these two sentences. Try "Then we walked to the living room, which was filled with people, not a single spot available on the furniture or the floor." (yes, I also think you should remove "really").

Jonah and I stood next to each other, our arms so close to brushed that I could nearly feel his skin there on mine.


-I've no clue what you mean by "our arms so close to brushed". I'd say you should remove "to brushed" and "there".

“And pencil, if you would.”


-This would sound more natural if you put an "a" in between "And" and "pencil".

He flipped open my sketchbook, that was filled mostly with lyrics, math problems and doodles, rather than actual sketches.


-Exchange "that" for "which" and have "filled" and "mostly" trade places.

One of them, we had done together on a piece of notebook paper.


-I think "We had done one of them together on a piece of notebook paper." sounds better.

“Why haven’t you told me that you’re coming to town?” he asked, his eyes fell on me, his eyes a liquid, inky blue in the dim light that the computers screen gave us; it was the only light in the room.


-(This definitely needs revision.) "“Why haven’t you told me that you’re coming to town?” he asked. His eyes fell on me, a liquid, inky blue in the dim light from the computer screen; it was the only light in the room."

She came into the room and laid a possessive hand on Jonah’s shoulder, she looked down at what he was sketching. I had quickly lifted my head from his leg and jerked into an upright position before she could see us being so close, so comfortable.


-While I do believe that writing stories should be strictly cause-effect, when I read about Tide lifting her head just after his girlfriend goes over, my reaction was the equivalent of "WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT EARLIER?!" You probably used "had" to avoid this very thing, but it's a small word, and it's easily missed the first time through. (Especially when you bring in the girlfriend!) Put that she comes in, then you quickly move away, then she puts her hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah.” Jonah said, smiling up at her.


-Comma instead of a period.

“How’s that going, anyway?” I asked, not really interested, but thinking it polite to ask anyway.


-I wasn't sure what you were referring to. I guessed "that" was their relationship, but you might want to make that clearer.

I can hang out with you and Laynie all day but if I’m with the guys or Hannah, don’t tell her this or I’ll kill you, but I sort of just get bored. Not that I don’t like being with them but it’s just so much easier being with you and Laynie.


-Comma after "day", "and" before "don't", and a comma after "them". (I think. I like commas.)

Laynie’s garage was warm and I sat on the couch, Laynie’s hand was in mine.


-Whoa! Was this a scene change, a flashback, or did I miss something? You really need to make it clear. Also, you might want to rephrase this sentence.

“You need to tell him.” She said.


-Again, comma instead of the period.

Jonah sat in the chair opposite of us, his eyes were trained on me, his jaw clenched and the muscles in his neck strained.


-Remove "of" and "were" and add a comma after "clenched".

By the way I had been clenching my stomach, by the way that I felt sick and tired all of the time.


-By the way you felt sick? That... just isn't right. I know you're trying to balance this sentence, but "by the way" just doesn't work for both sides.

I slid off the couch onto the dirt caked floor and wrapped myself around his leg.


-Put a hyphen between "dirt" and "caked". I'm not sure if "onto the dirt caked floor" should be an appositive. You might want to check.

“I’m an idiot.” I said.


“No you’re not.” He said, just as softly as before.


“Yes, I am. I made stupid mistakes that I wish that I could take back. I’m so sorry.” I sobbed.


-For all three: comma instead of the last period inside the quotation marks.

And then it spilled from me, the words stone cold and dreadful.


-"stone-cold"?

His voice was just a whisper at this point.


-This would have a better impact if you removed "at this point".

“No.” I choked out.


-Comma instead of the period.

“Well first things first. You need to confirm it. Go get a pregnancy test, figure out if you are one hundred percent pregnant before you start to worry. If you are, we’ll all three tell your parents.


-Comma after "Well". The phrase "one hundred percent pregnant" made me laugh (you are or you're not), so you probably just want to leave "pregnant". The use of "three" feels awkward (I know it's there for clarification, but...).

“And if you are. I’ll be there.


-The first period should be a comma.

“James won’t help.” I said softly.


-Comma.

When I see him next he’s going to be put in the hospital and I’m probably going to be wheeled off to jail.”


-This didn't come out as... tough... as you wanted it to. Maybe "After I get my hands on him," instead of "When I see him next". Comma before "and". And you should probably find a better phrase than "wheeled off to jail.". It almost sounds like he gets beat up as well.

His jaw clenched and I felt his arm on me tighten for just a second before he realized that his touch might hurt me.


-Hmm. I think this could be put in a better way.

Jonah was good natured and calm. Never had I seen him angry, irritated maybe, but never angry.


-("good-natured")Meh. "Never had I seen him angry--irritated maybe, but never angry." would be my suggestion.

He had told me that only once had he hit someone, and when he had he’d broken their nose, given them a fat lip, and they’d been sent to the hospital.


-More parallelism. It doesn't quite work here. Try separating this into two sentences.

(So it's 2:45 in the morning. I usually stay up till four, but I think my comments are starting to get way too picky and way too brusque. And my keyboard's acting up. You'll see the rest of this tomorrow after I reach my quota for JulNoWriMo... so maybe right after tomorrow. ;) )

From right before that scene-split, this was the number one thing I had to say and couldn't leave it until next time (which is when you'll see the rest of my non-nitpick comments): I'm loving the "tension" (you'll see what I mean) between Tide and Jonah.

P.S. Sorry for any rudeness. I had an... interesting day.
P.P.S. I really like the way this is going. It's definitely an improvement over the first chapter, and the first chapter was pretty good itself. ;)




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“My dad texted me.” She said and then looked up.


-Comma. (Don't capitalize "She", comma after "said".)

“You do realize she’s going to want to kill me now, right?” I asked, fiddling with a loose string on his jeans.


-Was this where the flashback ends? If it was a flashback at all, you really need to make it clear. Simply putting that whole section in italics will do.

“Well. For one, we didn’t turn the lights on. For two we’re in here alone. And three, she’s probably wanting to slit my throat for not being ten yards away from you.”


-I think "First of all, ... Second, ... Third,[or Finally,]..." would work better. The last sentence there could be said in a better way, I think.

It was a light house scene, the kind of scene that left you thinking about what it would be like to stand within the page and be overwhelmed with the contents that it held.


-I like what you did here. One small problem: "contents" are things held in something, so this is like saying "things in something that are in something" ... "overwhelmed with what it held" is probably your best bet.

“Jonah!” Mitch yelled and got up from his spot on the couch to hold Jonahs hand and smack his butt in that weird way that they had.


-Comma after "yelled", then change "and got" to "getting". Apostrophe in "Jonahs".

“I love how much filming has changed since the nineteen nineties,” Tan said.


-You should change the words to the number ("1990's") or just leave "nineties".

Emmet glowered at him. “This is clearly a two thousand film!”


-Hmm. In this case, words might actually be better, and you'll need an hyphen between "two" and "thousand". But because this looks so awkward in words, you might just want to find a different way for him to say the same thing. ("This is only two years old!")

“Owe!” I yelled.


-"Ow!" instead.

Hannah continued to push herself closer and closer to Jonah and I wanted to gag a little and laugh a little at how insecure she was.


-This is a personal thing, but I'm still going to say there are way too many "and"s in that sentence. Try rewriting it.

“Who’s out there?” A gruff voice asks from the doorway of the house whose yard we were sitting in currently.


-Don't capitalize "A" here. You changed tenses randomly -- "voice asked" instead. Move "currently" before "sitting".

The lights flicked on and before I knew what was happening I was back on my feet running down the street hooting and laughing all the way back to Laynie’s house.


-This sentence is just way too jumbled. Try organizing it by putting in some commas or separate it into different sentences.

Tan asked who it was, his motion of his lips was exaggerated, his voice no more than a slight whisper.


-There are a couple things wrong here, but I won't point them out because I think you should just start from scratch instead of trying to fix it.

I was on a mattress on the floor while Laynie was on her couch which she claimed was hot and uncomfortable in the summer.


-"I was on a mattress on the floor; Laynie was on the couch, which she claimed was hot and uncomfortable in the summer." (Or some other set of changes.)

“Is that so?” I laugh a little, unsure of what this surprise could be.


-"laughed". It's another tense problem.

“No. Way.” I say with my snob voice.


-"said" instead of "say".

“Yes way. Our dear friend Jonah is coming over to jam in the morning.” Laynie said happily,and then rolled over on the couch, leaving me to wallow in the news, laughing and smiling. I wouldn’t sleep tonight.


-(Comma) as well as (comma after happily). There's a tense problem in the last sentence. The way it's used in conjunction with "tonight", "would" means it hasn't happened yet, but this story is in past tense. I know the narrator is saying it like she knows it, but it can still be misinterpreted. (It needs a change.)

*bursts* The chemistry between Jonah and Tide is fantastic! I was really able to feel that they are great friends, and ended up hating Hannah every time she tried getting in the way. Really, the highlight of this chapter is where they're together on the couch, with him drawing. I felt like I knew them, like I knew what they thought of each other as though this were the tenth chapter instead of the second. For them, you characterization was absolutely amazing.

You had some small problems with the dialogue, but it was mostly grammar-related. Watch out for it anyway.

That flashback was unsettling, mainly because it wasn't clear if it was a flashback at all. Interesting conflict there, but I'll keep my comments to myself until I see what you do with it.

I knew I'd end up coming back to this -- the relationship between Jonah and Tide was masterfully written. If you could develop other relationships in the same way (like Laynie and Tide) you could probably fuel this whole novel on them. (That's a really hard thing to do.) Talking about Laynie, she's a bit flat at the moment. Considering that she's Tide's best friend, you want the readers to know who she is. To tie this back, it would definitely be good to develop Tide and Laynie's relationship, and show what their friendship is all about.

Finally, I loved this chapter. It was a step up from the last one, and really got the story moving.

Great job. :D




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thatoddkid's already got all of my points and grammatical nitpicks for this chapter so this review is kinda pointless. I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I'd read it!

This chapter was definitely more interesting than it's predecessor and seemed to pick up the pace a little. The flashback confused me a little, it was hard to tell exactly what it was; especially at the beginning. Try to clean that up a little.

Ahgving said that, your characters are interacting with each other quite well but I'd like to learn a little more about Laynie. She seems uninteresting, more of a background character at the moment which shouldn't be the case. See if you can work on that.




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Chapter Two
We turned the corner into Laynie’s driveway and my mouth dropped open. Her driveway was full of cars, none of which I could really see since it had grown dark outside during the drive.
My cheeks burned and I started to jump up and down again. why were her cheeks burning? I’d guess embarrassment, but that really doesn’t fit in this situation.
“Surprise!” she yelled. “Movie night!”
I laughed and squealed, grabbing my bags and nervously walking to the door. Laynie jogged ahead and went inside, no doubt telling people that I had arrived. I walked through the mud room, and looked down at myself, making sure that I had all of my things. My hair hung in my eyes and I brushed it back, tucking it behind my ear.
When I looked up I screamed and dropped my things. Jonah was there, his face flushed just as red as mine. He grabbed me and squeezed me with all of his strength, I buried my face in his shirt, holding him to me with every ounce of will that I had. His body was warm pressed against mine. Whenever I had seen him before, we had always left space in between, a few inches for distance, a few inches to remind people we were just friends. But not this time, every inch of him pressed against every inch of me in a hug that nearly brought me to tears. I closed my eyes and held him. I really love how you went into detail with the hug
We pulled apart, but kept our hands on each other’s arms. The hug had lasted longer than most hugs should, but felt like it had only been a moment. Jonah winced and smiled.
“Jeez, Tide. You almost blew out my ear drum this really confused me for a second, because my thoughts were still on the hug. I completely forgot she screamed (in surprise I guess) and so that was what he was referring to here. Honestly, I would change this line to something else. .” He laughed. I blushed and then backed up, looking down at my things that had ended up in a heap on the floor. Jonah helped me pick up my bags and take them into the dining room. Then we walked to the living room which was filled with people, not a single spot available on the furniture or the floor. Jonah and I stood next to each other, our arms so close to brushing that I could nearly feel his skin there on mine.
“Hi, Tide!” everyone yelled from their places and then continued to jabber among their groups and to me. Everyone was there. But as much as I loved all of them, Jonah and Laynie were my priority. Laynie made herself comfortable on someone’s lap and motioned for me to go away with Jonah. Hannah, Jonah’s girlfriend, stood in the middle of the room, her eyes on Jonah, on me. She smiled at me, not a gesture of kindness but one of acknowledgement and almost smugness, and then turned back to talking. Jonah edged out of the room. I followed.
He held out his hand and I looked at him curiously.
“Sketchbook.” He said. “And pencil, if you would.”
I scuttled back into the dining room, dug through my bag and brought him what he wanted.
He flipped open my sketchbook, which was mostly filled with lyrics, math problems and doodles, rather than actual sketches.
“You still have these?” Jonah roared with laughter as he pulled out some of the sketches he had done for me. We had done one of them together on a piece of notebook paper. The front side was my own creation, the back side was his. I had drawn Jonah in a banana suit getting attacked by gorillas. On the backside, Jonah had drawn himself in the banana suit, with an assault rifle in hand, blowing holes through one gorilla and the other being hung in a tree. It was morbidly hilarious.
He flipped open to a clean page and started to draw.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“Something that Hannah and I started. I’m teaching her how to paint.”
“Is she any good?” I asked.
“Eh.” He shrugged. “She drew the lighthouse on the one we’re doing together. I think I should have done it.” He laughed.
I smiled a little to myself. Art would never be something they could really share. Art belonged to Laynie, Jonah, and I. It was something we loved, just as we loved music.
“What’s the color scheme?” I asked as a comfortable silence fell upon us.
“Dark purples and reds. A few greens in the water.”
Jonah continued to sketch, his lines quick and precise. He shaded and scribbled. I loved watching him. He was curled up on the chair by the computer desk as I sat comfortably with my back against the desk, my head resting on his knee.
“Why haven’t you told me that you’re coming to town?” he asked. His eyes fell on me, a liquid, inky blue in the dim light of the computer screen; it was the only light in the room.
I could hear Hannah in the room over, still chatting away. She came into the room and I quickly jerked away from Jonah. She laid a possessive hand on Jonah’s shoulder, sheand looked down at what he was sketching.
“Oh! That’s the one we were working on together!” she said, her voice animated. I imagined her painted fingers turning into claws in Jonah’s shoulders. My jaw clenched and I plastered on a smile that only Jonah would know was fake.
“Yeah.” Jonah said. Smiling up at her. His smile was real enough, but wasn’t genuine. My heart twisted in my chest. She ran a hand through his hair and then walked back out of the room just as quickly as she had come.
I scowled after her and then dropped my head onto his leg again. “How’s that going, anyway?” I asked, not really interested, but thinking it polite to ask anyway.
“It’s okay. She’s leaving tomorrow for New York. We spend a lot of time together. A lot.” He added on the end.
I laughed out loud. “You hate spending time with people all the time.” I said.
“Yea, I know. It’s weird. I can hang out with you and Laynie all day, but if I’m with the guys or Hannah, don’t tell her this or I’ll kill you, but I sort of just get bored. Not that I don’t like being with them, but it’s just so much easier being with you and Laynie. I don’t have to talk with you guys.”
“I know.” I smiled into his leg. “It’s like we can spend hours together and never say a word.”
He looked away from his sketch, staring at me point blank with a small smile on the corner of his lips. I gripped his leg and I could only remember one other time that we had been this close. The image here was just a little odd, what with Tide smiling into his leg and gripping it x) They seem just a little too intimate, and it almost has me thinking that Jonah is cheating on Hannah in a way.
*****
Laynie’s garage was warm and I sat on the couch, Laynie’s hand was in mine.
“You need to tell him,” She said.
Jonah sat in the chair opposite of, his eyes trained on me, his jaw clenched and the muscles in his neck strained.
“I can’t,” I whined, tears welling in my eyes.
Jonah knew already. By the way I had been clenching my stomach and how I felt sick and tired all of the time. He knew, but I had to confirm it.
I slid off the couch onto the dirt-caked floor and wrapped myself around his leg I think Tide has a leg fetish lol. I buried my face into his knee, letting my tears fall freely. I grabbed his hand, and pressed it to my forehead, begging him to either lend me his strength or crush me where I sat. He brushed my hair back and squeezed my hand.
“Just promise me that you won’t hate me, kill me, or leave me.” I told him. “I’m so sorry.” I shook my head, tears continuing to fall.
“Tide, I’m not mad at you. Just tell me.” He spoke softly. I hugged his leg tighter. Anchoring him to me, begging him not to leave.
“I’m an idiot,” I said. “I’m just an idiot.”
“No you’re not,” He said, just as softly as before.
“Yes, I am. I made stupid mistakes that I wish that I could take back. I’m so sorry,” I sobbed.
I felt Laynie’s hands on my back, soothing me and urging me at the same time.
And then it spilled from me, the words stone-cold and dreadful. “Laynie and I have been talking about it for a few weeks now, and I haven’t wanted to psych myself out so we’ve really been monitoring it all…” I started. “We think I’m pregnant.” I sobbed again and turned away from him, not wanting to look at him, too scared to see the disgust written on his face.
Jonah lifted my face to look up at him, his eyes full of warmth. “I know.” His voice was just a whisper. He brushed away my tears with a calloused thumb. “Have you told your mom yet?”
“No,” I choked out.
“Well first things first. You need to confirm it. Go get a pregnancy test, figure out if you really are pregnant before you start to worry. If you are, we’ll all tell your parents. If you’re not, we’ll act like none of this ever happened.”
I nodded.
“And if you are, I’ll be there. We’ll figure it out.”
“James won’t help,” I said softly. “Laynie and I already told him that I had been worrying. He didn’t care.”
“Fuck James, Tide this seems a little odd to say, since Tide actually has fucked James x) Wouldn‘t he realize what he just said and be embarrassed by it?. I swear, when I get my hands on him...” His jaw clenched and I felt his arm on me tighten for just a second before he realized that his touch might hurt me. "They'll take me to jail for what I'll do to him."
I believed him when he said this. Jonah was good-natured and calm. Never had I seen him angry-- irritated maybe, but never angry. He had told me that only once had he hit someone, and when he had he’d broken their nose, given them a fat lip, and they’d been sent to the hospital.
Knowing this made me scared, but made mealso feel safe there next to him. Nothing would hurt me if he was there.
Laynie’s mom yelled for her from the house and Laynie got up from the couch and went to her mom. I lifted myself from the ground and moved to the couch, stretching out my legs and laughing a little from my legs being asleep.
Jonah got up from his seat and moved to sit on the arm of the couch next to me. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders; I wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my face into his side.
“Do I smell bad?” He asked, pushing his weight down me to make me smell under his arm. I laughed and squealed, pushing him away. I breathed in the scent of his shirt, his chest.
“You smell good.” I smiled into him. We sat there laughing, our limbs intertwined. Laynie walked in with her phone in hand. She still had her eyes trained on her phone.
“My dad texted me.” she said, and then looked up. She looked taken aback for a second, confused as to why Jonah and I were so close. She looked at me, her eyes knowing everything without me saying a word.
*****
“You do realize she’s going to want to kill me now, right?” I asked, fiddling with a loose string on his jeans.
“How do you figure that?” he asked, still shading slightly but nearing completion on the sketch. this sentence is sounds off
“Well. First of all, we didn’t turn the lights on. Second, we’re in here alone. And third, she’s probably wanting to slit my throat for not being ten yards away from you.”
“Nah, she wouldn’t. Well, maybe. We should probably go in there before she has a bitch fit.” Jonah laughed a little and then sat the pencil down on the computer desk. The computer screen darkened and Jonah jiggled the mouse to bring back our source of light. I gasped a little as I glanced down at his ten minute sketch. It was a light house scene, the kind of scene that left you thinking about what it would be like to stand within the page and be overwhelmed with the beauty that it held.
We stood up then and made our way to the living room where everyone was watching Jurassic Park 2 but talking about Air Bud.
“No more vanilla pudding cups for you!” Emmet yelled in a harsh voice as we walked in.
“Jonah!” Mitch yelled, getting up from his spot on the couch to hold Jonah's hand and smack his butt in that weird way that they had. I sat down on the chair that Laynie pointed at, flipped my legs over the arm and laid back. Jonah was approached by Hannah, making Mitch move back to the couch without a word and wide eyes. I tried to say something, but thought it better to keep my mouth shut. He grabbed her hand, which sent a little bit of a jolt through my chest, and then he guided her to a free spot on the floor, which happened to be located in front of my chair. Jonah sat right in front of me with Hannah to his right. He held her hand and we watched Jurassic Park 2.
“I love how much filming has changed since the nineties,” Tan said.
Emmet glowered at him. “This is clearly a two-thousand film!”
Jonah leaned his head back on my thigh and stuck his tongue out at me. I brushed my fingers through his hair, messing it up and we both laughed. Hannah squeezed his arm and laid her head down on his shoulder. I stiffened up, unsure of what to do now.
Jonah fake yawned, stretched his arm over his head and then reached back to pinch me.
“Ow!” I yelled.
Everyone looked at me, unsure of what to say.
“Stubbed my toe.” I mumbled and glared bullets into the back of Jonah’s head.
Jonah choked a laugh at my lame excuse and continued to pick on me throughout the end of Jurassic Park.
Hannah continued to push herself closer and closer to Jonah. I wanted to gag a little and laugh at how insecure she was. She gave up with a sigh as Jonah and I continued to mess around. She whispered in his ear, he looked at her, and then back at me for just a second.
“I think it’s time we head out, we’ll see you guys later.” Jonah says, helping Hannah up and giving people hugs.
I got up, waiting for my hug which was a given thing with us.
“Hey, Jonah, hug me.” I laughed.
But he didn’t. Hannah pulled him out the door without a word to me. My heart sunk into the pit of my stomach.
For another three hours, the rest of us walked around town in the dark and laid down in random people’s yards.
Tan groaned. “Can’t we just go sit down on Laynie’s porch? The chiggers are eating me alive.”
I agreed with him and swatted at my legs, trying to stop them from itching so much.
Emmet looked at us like we had oranges growing from our heads. “What the hell is a chigger?”
Tan and I took turns explaining what exactly a chigger was and where the expression came from. Emmet continued to not understand and made fun of us for it.
“Well, Emmet, at least we have those nineteen nineties films.” I grinned smugly.
Everyone laughed, even his girlfriend, who usually stays relatively quiet.
He ran at me full force then, tackling me and pretending to strangle me. I yelped loudly, laughing and screaming into the night sky.
“Who’s out there?” a gruff voice asked from the doorway of the house whose yard we were sitting in currently. The lights flicked on and before I knew what was happening, I was back on my feet running down the street, hooting and laughing all the way back to Laynie’s house.
We had been sitting on the porch for a while when Megan, another girl from our group who was also leaving for New York in the morning, got a phone call.
“Hello?” she answered.
Everyone sat still and grew quiet.
“Yeah, I can talk. We’re all just sitting around here.” She laughed a little.
Tan asked who it was, his motion of his lips was exaggerated, his voice no more than a slight whisper.
Megan put the phone to her chest for a second, “It’s Hannah, and she needs to talk to me privately.” Megan got up, looked at me for a long second, and then walked around the house to have her private conversation with Hannah.
Laynie and I made eye contact for a second. She quirked her head to the side, questioning what this was all about, I shrugged, completely unsure of what was going.
Around three in the morning, all of our guests were gone and we were curled up in her living room trying to get to sleep but still unable to stop talking.
“Guess what else?” Laynie smiled.
“What?” I turned around to face her. I was on a mattress on the floor; Laynie on her couch which she claimed was hot and uncomfortable in the summer.
“You have another surprise in the morning.” She said matter of factly.
“Is that so?” I laughed a little, unsure of what this surprise could be.
“Yup. And it may possibly be better than the one tonight.”
“No. Way.” I said with my snob voice.
“Yes way. Our dear friend Jonah is coming over to jam in the morning.” Laynie said happily and then rolled over on the couch, leaving me to wallow in the news, laughing and smiling. I wouldn’t sleep tonight.


This chapter was very easy to read. No bad grammar mistakes, good pace. It held my attention all the way through.

The only thing that felt a little odd was how jealous Tide got when she saw Jonah and Hannah holding hands. Not that she shouldn’t feel jealous, but she felt surprised too. I mean, surely she would realize that the two of them probably kiss each other and hold hands all the time, being boyfriend and girlfriend and all that. I don’t get why Jonah doesn’t break it off with Hannah now that he realized Tide’s feelings for him. He seems like a bit of a player that way, letting Tide snuggle up with him while also holding Hannah’s hand, and talking to Tide about Hannah behind her back. I don’t know, Jonah just doesn’t seem like someone I can trust. Maybe I’m biased because my name is Hannah lol. But if you put yourself in her shoes, wouldn’t you be a little protective if you saw your boyfriend playing around with some other girl? I think I would be. And Tide tries to make her seem like a bad person for it. That’s just how I see it, but the other reviewers seem perfectly ok with the relationships going on here. Just giving you another end of the spectrum x)

Listen to theoddkid btw his review was amazing.

Well I’ll go onto the next part to see how this all plays out :D
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae