Letter To Nate

Nate, you're cool and everything,
you seem real swell.
But there's a secret we've hidden,
something I ought not tell.
Jabberhut told me I'd be killed,
if I ever let this out.
But I reckon you really have to know,
just promise you won't shout.

Meshugenah said that Snoink said
that Grif thinks you need a hair cut.
I disagree, though, I think you're rad,
like in that photo - were your eyes shut?
There's nothing wrong with long hair,
I know because I have it too.
I'm not saying you're a girl or anything,
If anyone said that, well, I'd pity the foo'.

What I'm trying to say is that,
you're pretty cool, Nate, I'd even say
swell.

Hey Penguin,

Totally just giggling to myself here.

I really enjoyed this, very funny and well-written as everything else you write. It unfolds nicely and the tone is perfect. I especially enjoyed the second stanza. The language used is perfect and it flows very well. I really loved the suspense of:

"Meshugenah said that Snoink said
that Grif thinks".

Your use of rhyme is also really great.

A pleasure, as always.

Jas

I struggled to remember then how to like a work! But anyway, this is real cool and too fun to review seriously. I mean there's a few little nit-picks like you used swell twice and you didn't mention me But to be honest, it's a real swell poem my dear xxx

Oh also I'd add a 'to' on that second line so 'I ought not to tell' just as I think it would flow a little better. And maybe change the syntax of 'If I ever let this out' to 'If ever I let this out'. I think the emphasis there is stronger.

hehehehe this is cute it made me giggle. i thought the secret was something terrible, but it wasn't. hehe good job

Keep on Writing
-Roxy

I liked it! The ending kind of died off because it didn't end in a rhyme, but otherwise, it was really good. Funny too.

Nate, you're cool and everything,

This is a good first line; I like how it leaves the reader hanging at the very end. It draws the reader in as now one is interested in what will follow the seemingly inevitable, 'but.'

you seem real swell.

You continue to build up mild suspense here. After the first line, I was expecting this line to begin with "but," but instead you offer up a mild surprise. This can throw the reader off, but I think you pull it off well. However, I'm not sure I would've ended it with a period. If you're going to use punctuation in a poem, you have to follow proper grammar, and proper grammar calls for a comma at the end of this line.

But there's a secret we've hidden,

Now the "but"! You also continue to build up the suspense with the "we've". Good show.

something I ought not tell.

At this point, the suspense is beginning to get somewhat off-putting. As a reader, I'm almost screaming myself, "Just get on with it!".

Jabberhut told me I'd be killed,

I like the double reference here to Lewis Carroll's Jabberwocky and to YWSer Jabberhut. By making the reference, you're saying that Jabberhut has razor sharp talons and hunts at night.

if I ever let this out.

Again with the suspense. At the beginning of the poem, it was cool. But now I just want to know, what is "this"? Consider eradicating this line as it seems unnecessary and is mildly annoying.

But I reckon you really have to know,

Know what? Again, the suspense schtick is wearing thin.

just promise you won't shout.

This is an odd line to throw in, especially as this is supposed to be a letter. Normally, if someone shouts upon receiving a letter, you're far enough away to be safe. This line as well seems unnecessary.

Meshugenah said that Snoink said

Interesting references here to yiddish and hybrid animals. I'm not entirely sure if I understand the references though. In any case, you repeated said unnecessarily. While readers do normally just gloss over said, you still shouldn't repeat it so close together.

that Grif thinks you need a hair cut.

Beginning lines with "that" just seems improper; there's something almost vulgar about it. In this context, "that" is completely unnecessary and distracts the reader. Begin with "Grif," and the morality of this line will improve immeasurably.

I disagree, though, I think you're rad,

Earlier you said "swell," and now you're saying "rad." I like the use of words here not in the normal vernacular. It gives your poem a distinct voice as well as introduces a sort of cool retro vibe to it.

like in that photo - were your eyes shut?

The reader is not familiar with "that photo." However, you can avoid this error by just saying "the photo." It comes off sounding more poetic as well.

There's nothing wrong with long hair,

I like how you describe the photo here without going overboard in the description. Let the reader paint the picture. Good show.

I know because I have it too.

I know "it" is just referring to "long hair," but in this context, it seems like "it" is referring to something like a disease. As the reference is ambiguous, consider changing "it" to "long hair." This is also a good opportunity to throw in a metaphor comparing the length of your hair.

I'm not saying you're a girl or anything,

I don't entirely understand this. Plenty of guys have long hair, and while it's not something I'm particularly fond of, it's not particularly girly either. Also, what does long hair having to do with eyes being shut during the photo? You seem to be throwing in a lot of random lines here.

If anyone said that, well, I'd pity the foo'.

You continue here with words no longer in the normal vernacular. Although the decades you're referring to all over the map, I like it. Keep up the retro vibe.

What I'm trying to say is that,

Again with "that." I swear, that word should be considered a vulgarity. It's almost never necessary, and it certainly isn't here.

you're pretty cool, Nate, I'd even say

I like the passive aggressive tone in this poem, and you heighten it with this line. However, the line is broken. You should've combined it with the line following this one.

swell.

Swell is an unusual word, and it's important enough to not only feature twice in the poem but even to devote a whole line just to it at the very end. I think that greatly softens the passive aggressive tone as well as heightens the retro vibe, but I think you do so at the cost of the poem. Swell is a swell word, but it's not very poetic and the imagery associated with it is disgusting to say the least.


Overall
It's an interesting poem and I like the form, but due to the large amount of unnecessary words, it seems like you wrote this in 10 minutes. If you continue to work on this, I'd suggest removing 50% of the words, then concentrate on making better use of your existing comparisons to mythological creatures (Jabberhut, Grif, Snoink), and to Yiddish (Meshugenah).