Shattered

Removed by Author.

Hello there!

So, I really want to like this short story, but something about it just falls short. You have an intriguing premise that should promise a lot of conflict and tension between the two characters, but there isn't really that much payoff. We don't feel anything for the two characters because we know so little about them, and because there isn't a lot of detail you don't get to reinforce any sort of information that would give the story more of an impact. I think you have a good basis and with some revisions you can make this into a really good story.

For instance, we see the daughter is unhappy, but we don't see how the father is apparently rubbing off on her. He doesn't appear to be forcing her to follow a certain path like you suggest. I would drop more conversations between the two that both hint how they feel. For example, the daughter could show how she is interested in acting but the father could say something like, "honey, you like physics too, don't you?" Or they could even have a conversation about this before she decides to major in physics because her father forces her to. That would make things a bit clearer, since the first few paragraphs of the story are very confusing, and the ending wouldn't seem as random.

I understand that this is short, but I still think that you could incorporate a bit more character development into it, maybe get into the daughter's head for a little bit. Don't be afraid to flesh this out -- give more than just a one paragraph explanation about why the father doesn't want her daughter to be an actress, and don't info dump either; rather, try to incorporate his views through his dialogue and actions. I would do the same for the daughter, but maybe go more into why she thinks physics is boring and what exactly about acting draws her in.

One more thing; I don't know if this just me, but the ending came across as unrealistic to me. If she is in college, she isn't exactly going to have the money to be going off to a different end of the country and going to a new college without the support of her parents. I don't care if she does this, but she has to have some kind of support, or maybe something else happened to her?

Overall, this is good, but it could benefit from some fleshing out. Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I really did like this. =)

~ Elinor

I agree with the person above.

This is very intruging and then you get to the end and..splat. It just dies. Maybe if you spaced it out more? Give it more of an ending?

What got me was the first paragraph:

Audrey wrote:Rufus held out hope, even when he had to call the housing office to open the door for him. He held out hope even when her keys were missing from the hook, and her purse was gone from the table. He held out hope even when he opened the university issued bureau to find nothing but the smell of her perfume. He lowered his head. She was gone.

You say he held out hope until the 3rd to last sentence then you say- "He lowered his head. She was gone."
Don't you think that it changes quite quickly? Maybe you can describe it more...get into how he started to lose hope. No phone calls? Whatever works..

And then you have your characters. I think the girl should be developed more. Give us a sense of WHO she is. What does she act like, look like? Give the readers and image to work with. Same with the father...

This piece was very good though I liked it a lot. With more character development and maybe a longer more clear ending, you have a great piece here.

Good luck, continue writing.
-Brie

I really like the first three lines. I agree with the other reviewers in how you need more information, like when she actually starts feeling forced into it, and stuff like that.

I think it would have been better if their was more description on the characters appearance, because I didn't really know what to imagine while I was reading it. it was a good story, but I couldn't really think about the character because I didn't really know that much about him or her.

I really liked this, but I think you could put more into it. Does he just give up at the end? Or does he decide to follow her to New York and apologize?

I hope this helped!