He Didn't Luv Me Back

I've got to move on I can't stay in this state of mind.
If you want me you know what to do.
I've got to move forward can't let you get in the way.
I took a chance with you, but you turned me away.
Truth be told I was hurt and in sorrow
I still care for you though, but you i'm done with the chase
I would be a fool to try and change your mind, that would be a waste of time
I somehow don't blame you though, what prize would I be
You probably wouldn't wanna waste your time with a girl like me
Our worlds are different, two spheres that don't touch
You know how they say 'so the lion fell in love with the lamb' well the lamb fell in love with the lion
What's the difference? The lion didn't fall back
What a stupid lamb to fall in love. What a smart lion not to fall back
Why would I fool myself into thinking you would wanna be with me
There are plenty of other beautiful girls out there, so why would you choose me

Honestly... this didn't touch me at all. I like the idea of the lamb falling in love with the lion, sure, that works, but you need to be more creative in your presentation. Right now I feel like you're laying all your thoughts bear without acting bringing any artistry to the table. Don't tell us what's going on, show us the emotion behind what's going on and make this... I don't know-- angsty and self-centric and try expanding into an emotion, a concept, something human that we can feel and relate to and cry over with you.


Right now what I feel is a rant at someone that hurt you and a false attempt at acceptance and insecurity and passive aggression and not much else. If you really want to make a strong poem about any of this, you need to allow yourself to be focused on those feelings rather than the person that created them. Obviously, they're a part of this, but there's a difference between writing a poem about how THIS happened and THIS happened and it made you feel like THIS and a poem about how broken and twisted and absolutely abandoned someone can feel. Incorporate it, yes, but don't focus just on the relationship or how someone looks, at least not without genuine humanity and relatability to back you up in it.

Just some thoughts. Let me know if you have any questions.

I understand the message you're trying to convey, but I feel like you could do so much MORE with this topic. As the previous reviewer said, the lion and the lamb aspect is good, but it's also very cliche. Put your imagination to work! Make the wheels turn! Dig deep into your heart and soul and find raw emotion and pour it all onto the page. Show, don't just tell. By just telling, you're not letting the reader become connected with the piece, they're just listening, not feeling along with you. Make us feel, give examples, extreme description, raw emotion.

Good luck and keep writing!
<3 Sara.

I understand what you are trying to say but I think you should add a little bit more detail. I understand the emotion you have but I think you could describe the feeling a tad bit more. Overall it was a good writen message. I like how you used how you feel. But how about more description.

Hey Ebony!

Aww, I am sorry things didn't work out that well with your relationship! *snugs* Heartbreak can be a terrible thing sometimes, and I'm sorry that you had to go through with this. This unfortunately proves that hatred is not the opposite of love... apathy is. And apathy is just awful, especially when it comes from someone you really care about. My advice is have fun with a bunch of your friends and having deliciously unhealthy food... my favorite break up food is definitely a chocolate milkshakes and french fries! They are definitely the best.

Anyway, with this poem, it seemed like you were just trying to get something off of your chest. It seemed more of a rant with line breaks than a poem. Mind you, that's okay! It's good to rant and get all the poison out because... well... it's going to come out some way or another and it's best to come out in writing form since I am pretty sure punching holes in your walls is definitely not productive, even though it definitely sounds tempting!

Now, if you want to make this poem more poetic, you can do a couple of things. For instance, you talked about the lion and the lamb... yay for biblical symbolism! Anyway, what you can do, maybe, is to draw out an image of the lamb coming to the lion... kind of like a biblical scene... but the lamb gets devoured. Or something. And then that can be a metaphor of your heart in the relationship. So, that might be something you can try!

Or, you can try something else... right now, it seems scattered, like you half want to console yourself and you half want to accuse him. If you focused it up a little (for instance, turning the poem to an accusation) it would be so much more powerful!

In any case, keep your chin up, beautiful! If your avatar is any indication of what you look like, you are definitely a very attractive woman and the guy that gave you up or wouldn't take a second glance is a fool and/or blind. You can do so much better than him -- and you will! So wipe off your tears, sip some chocolate milkshakes and munch some french fries (because, really, chocolate milkshakes and french fries are the best break up food ever) and keep your chin up! Things will totally get better.

Hi Ebony.

Reading this poem, all I get is an immense wave of self pity and it's way too strong. I agree wholeheartedly with Perse and Snoink. It is very scattered, at the beginning you say that basically you're sad because he doesn't love you and you wish he did, but then towards the end you tell us that he was smart to not love you, but there was no break, no indication of the sudden change of mind but "What a smart lion".

Also, please get rid of the crying emoticons, they're just useless and honestly make me want to not read your work. You should also clean up your grammar a bit, the poem feels like a monologue in one long breath, not a poem.

I really admire what you're trying to get across here- I like the bit about "two spheres that don't touch", but the poem would have been so much more enjoyable if you'd executed it a bit differently. Instead of just one big whiny sobfest, tell me how ANGRY you are that your love isn't returned. How much it hurts you. Don't whine about it with changing perspectives. Why shouldn't he love you? You didn't give a reason.

Hope I helped!

-B

P.S., change the title. It's a poem, not a text.

One: Get rid of the smilies! Changing the font color and adding smilies is just... really amateurish and isn't the way to make people take you seriously as a writer.
Two: It's two blocky. If you leave your lines to run off, then readers won't be able to find the rhythm.
Three: Luv is a no no. Love, is the correct spelling. Unless you have a specific reason for spelling it Luv (example: for enrichment purposes and such), DON'T DO IT.

This didn't feel like a poem to me, and you managed to work the emotion out of something that should be really heartbreaking. Try to turn this into a short story and remember to add descriptions! I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh, but I'm trying to be as constructive as possible.

Overall, you have a good idea that would really intrigue people if you pulled it off. Try it again, PM me if you have any questions. And if you do decided to redo it, I really would like to review again. I think you have a good idea here. You're definitely on to something.

I want to thank you all for for advice and constructive critism. Im not really good at writing poetry and this was the first poem I ever wrote. I wrote this like three or four years back. I think my poetry wrting has got a little bit better since then. Im going to publish one of my recent poems tell me what you think. Oh and the lion falling in love with the lamb part. Well I was really obssessed with the twilight book series then..lol. Still is and thats where I got that part from. I didnt even realize I put that in till I finish writing it.