Family Matters. Chapter 2.

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Well here is the next chapter of my story. If you haven't read the first chapter, you might want too. Please tell me what you think about this. Feel free to tear it apart. :)

Chapter 2.
Jagger walked into the apartment where he and his Uncle Leroy lived. Setting down his guitar, he let the last of his anger slip away. He shrugged off his backpack and tossed it on to the couch. Checking his watch, Jagger frowned. Leroy should have been home by now.

Leroy was his mom's younger brother and he was only ten years older than Jagger's sixteen years. Before his mom had died of cancer, Jagger had never met his uncle. Now, almost a year later, It was hard to imagine a time he hadn't known Leroy, Jagger thought as he stuffed a pizza box into the trash, loaded the dishwasher, and used a golf club to scoot a pair of boxers that had been on the living room floor for a week towards his uncle's room. His hand was on the knob when he heard something crash on the other side of the door. Maybe Leroy was home after all. He knocked.

"Leroy, you in there?" No one answered. Jagger shrugged. Hooking the boxers on the end of the golf club, he started to push the door open. Before he could open it all the way, a women appeared. Laying her hand on the edge of the door she stopped him.

"Did you need something?" Her tone was flat. Her perfectly manicured nails clicked on the wood as she tapped her fingers impatiently.

Jagger felt as though some one had disconnected his brain as he looked at the lady before him. She was beautiful. Dressed in a black pin striped skirt that ended at her knees and a cream colored silk shirt with more than a few of the top buttoms undone, her wavy, raven black hair fell just passed her shoulders and was off set by mint green eyes. Full, dark crimson lips formed into a small frown and Jagger found his voice.

"Who are you?"

The women sighed, as though bored with Jagger already."My name is Sophie, Leroy and I have some business to take care of." She smiled as she said the word business and Jagger could help but notice her incisors were pointed. A shiver ran down his spine.

"Business?"

She smile again with her lips closed this time, and Jagger's breath caught in his thoat. "Yes, just a bit of paper work to look over. Now, why don't you let..." She had been closing the door when she trailed off. Breathing deeply through her nose, she open the door wide. Her eyes suddenly intent and scrutinizingly on Jagger.

Jagger shifted uncomfortable under Sophie's direct gaze and looked past her into his uncle's room. His heart sped up as he caught sight of Leroy. Eyes closed, face drawn and pale, his uncle was slumped against the bed. He was so limp he reminded Jagger of a pile of clothes.

Jagger tensed as Sophie reached out and toughed his cheek gently, her fingertips icy. As their eyes met Jagger could tell she knew he 'd seen his uncle. She ran one finger lightly along his jaw line and when he jerked away, she chuckled, a soft low chuckle that scared Jagger terribly. He struggled to keep his face emotionless as she stepped out of his uncle's room and shut the door behind her with a click.

"What did you do to Leroy?" Jagger asked, a rising uneasiness in his gut. Desperately he hoped this was all some kind of mistake that could somehow be explained away, but even as he thought that, he couldn't bring himself to believe it. There was something about this Sophie that wasn't normal.

"Oh, Leroy?" Sophie smiled wickedly. "I was feeding on him." Then she began to change.

Jagger backpeddled away from Sophie as her skin paled to a blue white and her eyes became bloodshot and red. Her teeth sharpened and fangs grew from her gums. Finger nails changed to claws. Her legs shifted form as one turned to bronze and the other reshaped into what Jagger could only describe as a donkey leg.

Jagger backed into the kitchen as she advanced, her gait uneven. He bumped into the counter. The bar stood between him and the living room and Sophie blocked the enterance. He was cornered. Desperate, Jagger spotted the handle of a kitchen knife sticking out of the half filled sink. It was only a few feet away, but he was afraid of what that Thing might do if he made any sudden moves. Maybe he could distract her.

Throwing all the disgust into his voice that he could muster, Jagger addressed the monster.

"What the heck are you?" He inched closer to the sink.

"Ohh, I can't believe it." Sophie squealed. "I got one who doesn't know anything. Well lucky for me, it's so much more fun when they aren't know-it-alls." Jagger slid nearer to the knife. Sophie had come to a stop. Laying a finger aside her nose she mused. "Hmm, where to start? I suppose your question is a good a place as any." She studied her two inch long, razor sharp nails. "I am an empousia. Formed from animal, bronze, and ghost. I exist to feed on the blood of young men." She paused and looked up from her nails. "Will you go for the knife already?" Jagger froze. She went on. "Oh, come on, you didnt really think I wouldn't see you going for it?" She laughed and Jagger dove for the kitchen knife.

Pulling it from the sink by it's handle, he flipped the knife so he was gripping it by the blade. Drawing back his arm, he threw the knife as hard as he could. It left his hand and time seem to slow down as he watched it turn end over end and fly point first into the empousia's chest....And then kept going! Jagger blinked stupidly as the knife went right though the empousia, hit the wall, and then clatter noisily to the tile floor.

Sophie sighed as she look down at the gash the knife had torn in her blouse. "I liked this shirt." She pouted, starting after Jagger again."Ok," Her voice took a teacherly tone. "Lesson number two, normal weapons can't hurt me. Only a weapon made from celestial bronze can kill me, and FYI, weapons like that aren't just something you can pick up at an army surplus." She smiled sympathetically. "Tough luck kid."

Then she lunged at him.

Jagger reponded with instincts he didn't even know he had. Ducking under the monster's reach, he plowed his shoulder into her stomach, driving her back. Pinning her against the wall, Jagger wrapped his fingers around her neck.

"Lets see how long you last without air." He hissed though clenched teeth. The empousia's eyes flicked towards the front door.

"Someone's coming." She gasped. Tightening his grip, Jagger glanced at the door. When he looked back, his fingers loosened of thier own accord. He still held Sophie, but no longer was she a white, fanged creature. She was once again the lovely business women. Her green eyes pleading and tearfilled. Her deep red lips, slightly parted, revealing straight white teeth as she gasped for air, each time with less effert. She was so beautiful. She began to go limp and Jagger couldn't take it any longer.

He released her. Sophie fell into his arms, chocking and sucking in mouthfuls of air. Her head lay on his chest and as her breath came back her arms crept around his waist. When Jagger tried to step away, her grip tightened. In a second his head hit the tile and he was on the floor, Sophie was on top of him. Eyes blood red. Fangs barred. This time her fingers were curled around his neck.

"Lesson number three," She whispered, eyes crazed. "Never, ever, give an empousia a second chance to kill you 'cause you won't live to regret it."

Jagger's field of vision narrowed as whiteness sept into the corners of his view. Sophie's lips moved, but he couldnt seem to hear what she was saying. A sharp point appeared in the middle of her chest and Jagger wondered where it came from. Sophie seemed surprised to see it too. She opened her mouth as though to say something and dissolved into a cloud of dust. Jagger was still trying to figure out what that meant, when the world turned the rest of the way white and then dipped into blackness.


Hope you liked it. ~ Dragongirl

Chapter 3. viewtopic.php?f=361&t=87013
Last edited by Dragongirl on Sat Jan 14, 2012 10:37 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Once again, good chapter! There were only a few little mistakes that I noticed.(The knife flew into her chest, and *kept* going!) And I figure, if you're like me, what happened was your fingers got ahead of your mind on the keyboard. (Mine do that all the time, so I usually wind up correcting typos for ten minutes.)
It isn't schizophrenia when you write about the voices in your head and get it published. That's talent.
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hadn't ever --- had never
a week, towards ---- cut the comma
though, bored ----cut comma
shifted uncomfortable --- uncomfortable
she chuckled.
A soft low chuckle that scared Jagger terribly
---- combine both sentences with comma or semicolon.
"what the heck are you?" ---that's the most disgust he can muster? not a " what in f&^k's name are you?" or something of that sort? :)
"O come on" - oh, come on

I prefered this version, even though it had less focus on character it flowed fast and felt fresh and it gave a decent little fight. I'm not sure what's going on exactly as I've never heard of the piece this halfblood thing is based on.
I enjoy the main character, pretty interesting, though I admit it is moving a tad too fast for its length. Animal, my piece, moved almost too fast despite John and the Tall man not meeting till 9 pages in. Feel like it needed more buildup, but if you can bring in moments of clarity that allow a reader to catch their breath and characters to develop then you shouldn't have a real probllem.

I liked the villain but felt her lesson thing was a tad cliche. Not only has it been done before it doesn't make sense that she pretty much list out ways for him to kill her, rather it reads like the narrator explaining plot points to the reader,which is never good.

That said its def improving as the piece goes on and you have an interesting setup with a solid MC and good action. well done!




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Hey, Dragon-sis. Dragonette here to review your story :D

This. Was. Amazing! Once again good grammar, description and flowing of the sentences. You did a really good job on the description when you made Sophia appear weak and helpless. And it gave the MC beating heart, made him real. Showing weakness. A lot of the time people try to make their characters invincable, having them kill people/creatures with no problems and no second thoughts. So that was good. Although you could add a bit more of that. I mean, if you came home to find a fanged creature in you parent's bedroom, what the heck would you be thinking? And you can spare to put so more meat on the chapter; I mean, if you go home and read a book, their chapters are a bit longer then you would think when writing. So don't be afraid to add some words in here. The more, the merrier :D

And my only nitpick is:
"Who are you?" The women sighed, as though bored with Jagger already.

"My name is Sophie, Leroy and I have some business to take care of." She smiled as she said the word business and Jagger could help but notice her incisors were pointed. A shiver ran down his spine.

The first paragraph makes it look like the woman was the one asking the question. Because "the woman" is the first noun that is coming directly after the words spoken, everyone assumes that she is to one speaking. So be careful of that. If I were you, I would put that sentence in the next paragraph like this:
"Who are you?"

The women sighed, as though bored with Jagger already. "My name is Sophie, Leroy and I have some business to take care of." She smiled as she said the word business and Jagger could help but notice her incisors were pointed. A shiver ran down his spine.
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