Out there

Spoiler

My first attempt at a sonnet. Please tell me what you think.

I’ve been to cities that never close down,
Sydney, New York, Paris, London, and Rome.
I have seen many a city and town,
All of them are my haunt, but none my home.
Great sights I’ve seen, such wonders to astound,
Things to make one in amazement exclaim.
Across the world diversity abounds,
But everywhere there is one thing the same;
People are haughty, proud, cruel, and mundane,
Their novelty, you’ll find, is nothing new.
Self-centered, greedy, tedious, and vain,
The world is full of people just like you.

This one immortal truth I’d have you know:
You will find bastards everywhere you go.

Spoiler

Not too happy with the title. Suggestions, anyone?

Cynicism in a poetic style which is typically romantic; fun.
I love it. And yes, iambic pentameter is, in the words of Bernard Shaw "babyishly easy", so you have to make sure you do something special with it. I like the ideas in this and I'd say you probably pulled it off.

Firstly, things I liked:

Their novelty, you’ll find, is nothing new.

Great line.

This one immortal truth I’d have you know:
You will find bastards everywhere you go.

Nice strong ending. I like how you beat around the bush a little for most of the poem, then just summed it all up so bluntly.

Secondly:
As you know, I can't do structured poetry, so I couldn't say how good or bad this is purely as a sonnet, what I will say is,

I’ve been to cities that never close down,

This is the first line of that song they sing on QANTAS ads. That might be okay, but as a consequence I had the tune of that song playing in my head for the rest of the poem. You might want to change it, you might not. Up to you.

Not too happy with the title. Suggestions, anyone?

I can't really think of anything good, but an oxymoron of some sort would be nice. 'Diversely Mundane', or something like that?

Hope that was in some way helpful!

- Em

Thanks Em

Yeah, the first line is taken from the QANTAS ad on purpose. It's supposed to make you picture the scene of those kids in white at Uluru or Norfolk Island or somewhere else pretty, to make the you think it's going to be a nice piece. Then BAM! Cynicism!

Ah, I see. It did do that, just a little too strongly. I had to re-read it when I managed to get the tune out of my head, since that tune and iambic pentameter aren't exactly the best of friends...

So true.
I like it,
I dont think i can fault it in any way

I like this a lot. I especially like the last line. I don't know much about flow and how that all works, but it reads very nicely and easily. Good work.

Karz, form poems are ridiculously difficult. Nice try, but you're not there yet.

A few suggestions: rhythm, meter, rhyme. Look at those. Figure out what you're really trying to do. If the title is an annoyance now, it tells me the entire piece is halfway submerged in ice water and is drowning in the air. That's not a state poems want to be in, and they howl viciously with furious envy when we just walk away from them and they have to limp around like a beaten chicken.

The true death of the poem is within the final two lines. Message me about this poem and we can talk later. Sorry about my lateness in getting back to you.

First off, the idea was great. I can see the passion you put forth with this piece and admire that greatly.

Walker here, with that review I promised!

So, I'm going to jump straight onto the things that could be improved upon instead of beating around the bush, if that's okay with you!

1: Hard and soft syllables

Now, I love that you tried a sonnet. Its a poem structure that has boggled my mind for many and year and is one I still have yet to even somewhat understand, let alone master, though tried I have. I adore the sonnet, but for someone like me to write a sonnet would take.. weeks.

The biggest problem I found with your piece is that you don't balance between soft and hard syllables. In the act of using iambic pentameter, you created sentences that were... well, not as strong as they could be when the syllable counts are meshed nicely. For instance;

All of them are my haunt, but none my home.

I highlighted the hard syllables, or the ones that generally impact and draw a harder sound from the mind. To create a more enjoyable and less sporadic line, you should try and go with something that spaces the hard and soft syllables equally, such as;

ex. There was a place I liked to go at night

Can you see the difference? If you read them out loud, does one sound like it flows better than the other? If you can see the difference, that's a good sign. I would like to see you really working on this aspect.

Overall

Your topic was interesting and your diction was something I also found to be something I enjoyed. The problem was, as a piece of structured poetry, this seemed a little weaker than your previous stuff. Not saying it was bad, just that iambic pentameter can be a bit frustrating and an infuriating process.

Keep working and I'll keep reading. Whether or not this was your best, you're still a brilliant poet in my books!

~Walker