Like Sisters

We take our lemonade out onto the porch, sitting in our respective rocking chairs. They are ten years old, and the white paint that was once so sparkling and clear has long since faded. Despite the fact that the sun is deep in the horizon, it's still in the mid-nineties. I feel the hot air creep against my arms as I take a sip of my lemonade. I can't help the feeling that I've traveled back in time. Lillie and I would do this exact thing that we're doing now; take lemonade or iced tea, sit down and watch the sky. Sometimes our parents would join us; their rocking chairs on the opposite end of the porch. There's still one sitting there, for Mom. Dad's was packed away a month ago, after he died, but it's been at least December since I've been here last. Cameron was born in January, and I've had to spend nearly all of my of time at home since then, taking care of him. Adam is at home now, watching him so I could come out for Lillie's graduation. We have a half hour until we have to leave for it. My mom's inside, getting ready, probably packing whatever she can into the cardboard boxes that fill our home. When Dad died, she told us that she couldn't stand living in the house alone (too many memories) since Lillie's going to the Illinois Institute of Art, in Chicago, for college.
I look at my sister now, holding her cup limply in one hand, gazing into the distance. Her light brown hair is pulled into her loose bun and her gray eyes seem faded, without their usual luster. Wherever she is, it's not here. “Nervous?” I finally ask her, smiling a little.
“I guess so,” she says. “It's just so different...I won't be a high school student anymore. It's kind of a lot, then I'm going to be living in Chicago for at least four years and that's just so different from...here.” She throws her free arm up and gestures to the grass and hills that surround us. “I'm going to miss nights like these.”
“Yeah. You're going to have so much fun, though. And you'll be doing what you love and are good at.” I never went to college, which is what I regret the most. Even though I just turned twenty-one, taking care of Cameron is my number one priority, since Adam needs to be away, working. And because of it I'm expecting that we'll get married soon. I don't feel dumb or uneducated (I was a straight A student in high school and probably could have gotten into a really good school) but if I went to college, I could have probably been so much more than what I am right now. I'm just happy that my sister is going and taking advantages of her opportunities and talents.
“Evie?”
“Yes?”
“It's really a beautiful night,” she says. “I never want this moment to end.”
I respond with a smile and take another sip of my lemonade. “Why not?” As I wait for her response, a bit of hair falls in my eyes and I push it behind my ears. Except for our hair (mine is dark and wavy, while hers is light and straight) everyone has said that Lillie is like a miniature version of me. We have the same eyes, same skin, same body type.
“I just have a feeling that everything's going to change after tonight. Not that a lot hasn't already changed, but...”
I don't know what to tell her. I feel stupid because I'm the older sister and feel like I should offer my sister good advice before one of the most important milestones of her life, but I have nothing. “Just live in this moment. Really live in it.”
“Promise you'll come visit me in Chicago? Take Cameron too. He is the most adorable thing.”
“I will. I will as often as I can.”
She's about to say something when our mom comes out on the porch, wearing a green cotton dress that I've never seen before. Her hair is like mine, dark and curly.
“Where'd you get the dress?” I ask.
“I saw it the other day, and it was on sale, so I said why not?” Her voice is tired. She turns to my sister. “You should get on your cap and gown. We have to leave in ten minutes, and I want to take some pictures with you and Evie.”
“Okay,” Lillie says, darting into the house.
“Where does time go?” Mom asks me. “I remember when you were the one graduating. And now it's Lillian and you're a mother...that I still can't believe.”
“I only wish Dad...” I can't continue, but I think Mom knows what I'm going to say. I only wish Dad was still alive so he could see Cameron grow up, so Cameron could remember him.
“You know how sick Dad was,” Mom says. “With Cameron, I think you made his last few months as marvelous as they possibly could be...he talked about him so much, but what he always told me is that he was sad he was never going to see him grow up...never see Lillian graduate...”
“He would have loved it tonight, that's for sure,” I respond.
Then Lillie comes out the door, in her cap and gown, which are blue in color. We go out to the lawn and my mom pulls a camera out of her bag. We take all kinds of different pictures; there's one that's relatively plain, one where we're making silly faces, but the mutual favorite of Lillie and I is the one that she takes of us hugging, our smiles, both wide.
“They're all really nice,” my mom remarks. She puts the camera back in her bag and looks at her watch. “Six thirty. We should probably start heading over.”
“Okay,” I say. As we get into the car, Lillie and I both take the backseat.
“You ready?” I tell her.
“Sorta.”
“Your father would be really proud of you,” Mom says from the front. “Live the next few hours, live them as much as you can.”
“And when you're on stage,” I add, “be careful not to trip.”
This makes her laugh, and as we ride in the car, I can't help but think about how beautiful everything is, how simple and full of life and peaceful this moment is. And I think of everything that's sure to come in the in the future, and how I'll go back to now time and time again. I close my eyes and look up into the skies, toward heaven. We're thinking of you, Dad.

Was this just a short story? What I mean is, is this the end of it? If this is the end it was just..okay. You wrote this really well, but as an overall conclusion this might leave the reader feeling nothing. This would be a lot better as the beginning of a novel.
But you did a really good job. I liked the characters and the way I could easily imagine them and what they were saying. It was.. natural. I liked it.

Hiya, Elinor! Sorry I'm kind of late.

Okay, I'm not going to do a full nit-pick session, but there are a few awkwardnesses that I think you should probably look at. I can't really point all of them out, because some of them are really small, so I suggest just reading through the whole piece slowly, out loud or under your breath--that usually works pretty well for me to find the stumbling blocks. Real quick, here are a few that I noticed:

Dad's was packed away a month ago, after he died, but it's been at least December since I've been here last.

That's an awkward way of phrasing it, methinks. Also, I don't think you need to say "since he died." That's implied, and we;ll figure it out soon enough anyhow.

When Dad died, she told us that she couldn't stand living in the house alone (too many memories) since Lillie's going to the Illinois Institute of Art, in Chicago, for college.

This one feels like you're cramming too much information into one sentence. Do you need to say that there were too many memories? Do you need to say right here that she's going to go to the Institute of Art in Chicago? I'm going to talk more about this issue later on.

I respond with a smile and take another sip of my lemonade. “Why not?” As I wait for her response, a bit of hair falls in my eyes and I push it behind my ears.

Firstly, saying "I respond with a smile" implies that she's not going to reply verbally, but then she does reply verbally, which was a little confusing (at first I thought her sister was saying it). Also, you have a repetition between "respond" and "response" that I don't really like.

I #FF0000 ">feel stupid because I'm the older sister and #FF0000 ">feel like I should offer my sister good advice before one of the most important milestones of her life, but I have nothing.

The repetition of "sister" and "feel" doesn't really add anything here.

Like I said, those are just the bigger ones that jumped out at me. There's a lot of odd phrasing and stuff like that scattered throughout the piece--I highly recommend you comb through it carefully.



Overall, I thought this was sweet. It was a very "Elinor" story. ^_^ You had a nice sense of nostalgia and closeness going throughout the whole thing and while (as mistie says) it feels more like a scene than a full short story, it works well that way. It's not a hugely profound piece, but it's a sweet telling of a moment. Kind of like a snapshot of these peoples' lives. Nicely done.

I think my main issue with this piece is that I'm not really sure what the point of it is. Because of the ending, I'm lead to think that you really want it to be about the father--about people carrying on with life after the death of a loved one. And that is a theme throughout, but I still didn't feel like it was the main thing that I'd walk away with after reading because there were so many other elements as well. With a piece as short as this one, even if you just mention something a few times it seems like a major part of the piece. I suggest you think over what you were really trying to say with this piece and either expand on that or strip away everything else--or a bit of both.

One great way of doing this, in my opinion, would be to try having as little external information as possible. By that I mean, information that isn't just the telling of the scene. Basically, info-dumps. I feel like you give us unnecessary globs of information that don't really do anything other than slow down the scene and distract us from what the characters are doing. If you have too much information, it makes me think about that side of the story and ask myself questions like "why couldn't Cameron and Adam come along to the graduation?" which aren't really important to the story--I shouldn't be thinking about that kind of thing, because it's only distracting me.

Really consider what your readers need to know and what you're just telling them for the sake of telling them. You may want to have the latter (it's your call) but I, personally, would say for a piece like this that it should be as in-the-moment as possible, with plenty of flashbacks and whatnot but not too much telling. I really think a piece like this would be better if you let us infer as much as possible about back-story details. Don't worry if things are unclear--that would be (in my opinion, of course) better than having too much information. For instance, these two lines say pretty much the same thing, so I think one of them could be eliminated:

Cameron was born in January, and I've had to spend nearly all of my of time at home since then, taking care of him.

Even though I just turned twenty-one, taking care of Cameron is my number one priority, since Adam needs to be away, working.

Also, think about really having all of the narrator's thoughts be what she would actually be thinking if she wasn't narrating a story. Make all her thoughts be for her, not the reader. For instance:

Her hair is like mine, dark and curly.

Would she really notice that her mother's hair was like hers? I mean, she already knows that, doesn't she? Wouldn't she notice more the way her mother had done her hair on that particular day? Like, "her hair was swept elegantly off her face" or something? You could sneak in the fact that they have the same hair if you really want to, but I think portraying Evie's actual reaction to the hair should be a bigger priority.

Lastly, I'd like to address the ending. Of course, this will all depend on how you try to capitalize on what's most important, but I can't help but think that this piece would do better without the last paragraph. If you ended with "be careful not to trip" it would be a nice way of showing that the family is getting on with life without the father, rather than telling it to us. Plus, I think that would make a really strong ending... but that might just be me. ^^

EDIT: Oooh! I forgot to say something. The title. Why? Of course, titles are completely up to you--but this one made me think that it was about good friends who treated each other like sisters, so I kept expecting you to say that they weren't actually sisters. You don't have to change this, of course, but I thought I'd mention it.

I hope this has helped somewhat! Please do let me know if you have any questions or anything. I'd love to discuss this with you, if you like.

a

Hey Eli! Alright, so I like some of what you have here and it's not a bad piece of flash fiction, but I struggle somewhat to find enough of interest to hold my attention. There's not much going on plot-wise and while the tone of the piece is very nice and flows wonderfully, there's not enough strong description for it to work as a piece of purple prose. And to be honest, that's the only way you'd get away with having so little plot. A few suggestions and comments:

The Title

Alright so I think you need to work your title in more. I was a little confused at first because they are sisters so it took me a moment to get passed the expectation that this would be about two friends. I sort of gather that you mean the persona is feeling that sisterly bond in a particularly strong way. But maybe you could actually refer to the title at some point? Have her think something along the lines of how they're like sisters? Of how sometimes being sisters is just a word but for them it's more than that?

Line-By-Line

We take our lemonade out onto the porch, sitting in our respective rocking chairs. They are ten years old, and the white paint that was once so sparkling and clear has long since faded. [Over these ten years, right? That doesn't sound right. It can have faded, but not long since. Long since suggests they've been there at least thirty or forty years and it's a bit of a romancism anyway.] Despite the fact that the sun is deep in the horizon, it's still in the mid-nineties. I feel the hot air creep against my arms as I take a sip of my lemonade. I can't help the feeling that I've traveled back in time. Lillie and I would do this exact thing that we're doing now; take lemonade or iced tea, sit down and watch the sky. Sometimes our parents would join us; their rocking chairs on the opposite end of the porch. There's still one sitting there, for Mom. Dad's was packed away a month ago, after he died, but it's been at least December since I've been here last. Cameron was born in January, [Nooo. You're too early in for throwing all this information at us. Aim instead to create atmosphere and a general feel for the story. Save the information for later or not at all. I'd rather learn nothing and enjoy the ride than get a list of details.] and I've had to spend nearly all of my of time at home since then, taking care of him. Adam is at home now, watching him so I could come out for Lillie's graduation. We have a half hour until we have to leave for it. My mom's inside, getting ready, probably packing whatever she can into the cardboard boxes that fill our home. When Dad died, she told us that she couldn't stand living in the house alone (too many memories) since Lillie's going to the Illinois Institute of Art, in Chicago, for college. [Not too fond of this opening paragraph to be honest. The beginning was nice, with them sitting in the chairs, but everything after that I think could be cut. It's all details and none of it is interesting detail to be honest. A thought or two about the missing chair, fine. But keep the explanations short.]

%u201CYeah. You're going to have so much fun, though. And you'll be doing what you love and are good at.%u201D I never went to college, which is what I regret the most. Even though I just turned twenty-one, taking care of Cameron is my number one priority, since Adam needs to be away, working. And because of it I'm expecting that we'll get married soon. I don't feel dumb or uneducated (I was a straight A student in high school and probably could have gotten into a really good school) but if I went to college, I could have probably been so much more than what I am right now. I'm just happy that my sister is going and taking advantages of her opportunities and talents. [The dialogue and story were going nicely until this part. Here you ruin your flow again. A few quick, snappy sentences that tell us her regrets is fine but this self pitying monologue does nothing to endear us to her or to entertain us.]

This makes her laugh, and as we ride in the car, I can't help but think about how beautiful everything is, how simple and full of life and peaceful this moment is. And I think of everything that's sure to come in the in the future, and how I'll go back to now time and time again. I close my eyes and look up into the skies, toward heaven. We're thinking of you, Dad.

Dialogue

No problems here. The characters really start to come through in the dialogue, much more than they do anywhere else, though Lillie seems a little under-developed. But basically a thumbs up for your dialogue.

Characterisation

I was a bit back and forth with your persona. Sometimes I liked her but at other times I felt she was being self pitying and that she was a little bland, a little lacking in emotion. The problem is that there's so much factual stuff given away that the emotions get trampled underneath it. Instead, you need to think more about what she's feeling than what she needs to tell the reader. Lillie seemed nice but not much more than that. I think it's quite tough to convey 'normal' characters in such a short piece as there isn't the space enough to discuss all the little details of who they are or show every nuance of their dialogue. With dynamic characters it's far easier. However, you could show us a few more things about Lillie. Does she feel guilty about leaving her sister around? I didn't feel any tension in the piece, except perhaps with the mother, but maybe there should be some between the sisters too. Partings can be difficult and often awkward. This one was a little too smooth perhaps. The mother was pretty well defined so there's nothing I'd advise there.

Making an Impact

There has to be something about each story that's amazing, even if in a quiet way, and that will stay in the reader's head after they've finished the story and maybe even keep cropping up over the next couple of days. Sometimes it's a description. Like, just writing this reminds me that a piece I recently reviewed opened with a beautiful description about a crane that also make a strong point on philosophy. Sometimes it's a character that your reader just falls in love with so much that without even meaning to, they replicate parts of him/ her in their own work. It can be anything to be honest. Even just a small detail about the plot. This piece didn't really have that for me. I think there's potential for it in the death of the father and the way their lives have continued despite that. The removal of his chair, continued use of the others. You need to pull it together a little more though because I was still looking for a focal point after you'd told the reader of the dad's death. It wasn't structured in such a way that I was aware that this was a major event. It just gave it like it was one of the other facts. I think once you've worked on that though, you'll have your angle.


Well hopefully that will give you a few ideas! Feel free to drop me a pm if you've got any questions,

Heather xxx

Hi El!

So, I hate to say it El, because I love your writing, you're seriously very good, but this is boring. I think that the main reason why this is boring is because you've written so many stories about death and sorrow, at this point it's like "STOP!" and I know you're realizing this too, because of the conversation we're having right now, or were having. In fact, the only death story I really like of yours is Annie, and I think it's because you're expanding it, and I'm getting to know the characters more and more.

And here we are to the main point I want to bring up, and a point I've probably brought up to you before: your characters are so flat, so boring, so cliche, so fake. Prime example:

I never went to college, which is what I regret the most. Even though I just turned twenty-one, taking care of Cameron is my number one priority, since Adam needs to be away, working. And because of it I'm expecting that we'll get married soon. I don't feel dumb or uneducated (I was a straight A student in high school and probably could have gotten into a really good school) but if I went to college, I could have probably been so much more than what I am right now. I'm just happy that my sister is going and taking advantages of her opportunities and talents.

This entire paragraph I would like you to delete. While reading it I just wanted to punch her in the face. I know who you are Elinor, which makes writing this review so hard. Because you are this girl, saying the nicest and sweetest things. However, I don't want to read about a character that's like this. Maybe as the mentor of the story, but not about the main character. You already have yourself figured out, and so does this character. I want to read about a character that has problems that will be fixed. And I don't want to read about how optimistic she is even though her father just died.

What I want to hear about is the entire families troubles with this. I want one character telling the other to grow up and stop being such a baby (but perhaps in a more adult-like manner. xD) I want a child to ignore the family. I want everything to fall apart and then eventually be put back together. And that's the main problem with your works, there's always a problem, but your characters never really seem to act like there's a problem. Seriously, just work on character development.

The end was cute, however typically in stories when the character looks at the sky and thinks or says something, they're having a revelation, changing, something interesting is happening. In this, there's no revelation, there's no change. The characters are acting and thinking the same thing as they were in the beginning. There's really just no plot, and the end really shows readers this fact much clearer than you'd think.

All in all, you can definitely do better. El, you're an amazing writer, but you have to step out of these shallow death stories you're stuck in, which you're doing now, and I'm proud of you for that. <3 you can do so much better than stories like this, and I'd like to see it, you'd like to see it and YWS would too! And I'm only being this harsh because I loff you and know you have the potential. ^^

Keep writing,

Classy