Family Matters. Chapter 1.

This is a halfblood story, but almost all the characters are mine so I didn't really know if it should go in fanfiction. So here it is. Enjoy.... hopefully.



Chapter 1.

Jagger was snapping shut the clips on his guitar case when David spoke up from where he was packing away his drum set.

"Don't look now dude, but there's a hot blonde checking you out at 6 o-clock." Dave's vioce was quiet and when he glanced up at Jagger his lips twitched with amusement. Jagger knew who it was before she even spoke.

"Nice preformance you put on there." Jagger shot Dave an I'll deal with you later look before turning back to the speaker.

Lilly Lacker stood there beaming her braces-filled smile at him. A pair of thick purple rimmed glasses sat slightly crooked on her freckled covered nose and an orange beanie was tugged low over a tangled mane of curly hair. Lilly was, in the kindest way to put it, a nerd.

"Thanks." Jagger gave Lilly a quick smile as he stepped past her, or tried too. Lilly took a little sidestep so she was directly in front of him again.

Jagger sighed mentally, bitting back his annoyance. It had been like this for the past month. everywhere he went he was dogged by Lilly. It wasn't like he had never dealt with girls before. While Jagger definitly wasn't one of the rich kids in school or a straight A student. (Heck, he wasn't even a straight B student, thanks to his dyslexia.) With curly brown hair, blue eye and a ready smile, he'd managed to catch more than a few girls eye. Lilly was different though. She was impossible to avoid, couldn't take a hint, and either had skin like leather, or her motto for life was "sticks and stones."

Jagger had tried everything he could do to shake her, but with no success. Now as she stood before him, he couldn't help being relieved that this was the last day of school.

"Yeah, Lilly?" Jagger asked shifting his guitar to his other hand.

"I wanted to talk to you." For the first time in a month, Lilly looked uncomfortable. Messing with a charm on her bracelet, she kept her eyes on her hands.

Jagger waited for her to start talking, when she didn't, he cleared his throat.

"Okay, what about?"

Now Lilly cleared her throat with that weird little coughing thing she did that always reminded Jagger of feedback.

"I wanted to talk to you alone." She put special emphasis on the word alone and glanced at his band where they were on stage clearing up from the preformance. Jagger could tell by the smirks on their faces they were listening to every word.

"Well, I guess that's about it." Dave spoke suddenly, coiling a cord to one of the speakers. Finishing, he jumped off the stage. "We're gonna take off then." Walking over to Jagger he clapped him on the shoulder. "Later, man." Dave's face was serious, but his eyes laughed. Ignoring the smoldering glare Jagger was giving him, he nodded to Lilly and then followed the rest of the band out of the auditorium. Once they were gone Jagger turned back to Lilly.

She cleared her thoat again. "Do you want to sit down?" She asked, playing with a strand of hair.

"Thats okay," Jagger said glancing pointedly at the clock. "I'll stand."

"All right, then." She took a step back and started. "You may have noticed we've had almost all the same classes this year and that I seem to follow you around a little bit."

Jagger could barely stop himself from snorting. A little bit, he thought, more like stalking me.

She went on. "It's not an accident that our lockers are right next to one another or that I always end up at the same lunch table as you." She began to pace, her odd limp making her look extra jumpy. "We're connected, Jag."

Jagger interupted, not liking the way this conversation was going. "Lilly, just stop. I know what you're getting at, please, lets not go there."

"But...you can't...what..I don't understand..." Lilly seemed confused before blurting out. "Did your mother even know who your father was?" She stopped, seeing the look on Jagger's face. Jagger could feel his anger as it spread icy cold through his veins. Leaning towards Lilly, Jagger narrowed his eyes and when he spoke his voice was taught and electric.

"What my Mother did or didn't know is none of your business, Lilly." He spat out her name. "And whether or not she knew who fathered her son is even less your business." He brushed past her and this time she let him go. His hand was on the auditorium door when she spoke again. She didn't raise her voice, but Jagger heard her clearly.

"You're special, Jagger, more special than you could imagine."


Hope you enjoy the first chapter to my story. Please feel free to tear it to pieces. Thanks ~Dragongirl

Chapter 2. viewtopic.php?f=361&t=82635

Hey there.

the clips on his gitar case

It should be 'guitar.'

Her thick purple rimmed glasses slightly crooked and a tangled mess of what might have been curly hair was tucked under an orange beanie.

This line is almost a sentence fragment, and reads a bit choppy. Consider something along the lines of: "Her thick purple-rimmed glasses were slightly crooked, and an orange beanie covered a tangled mess of what might have been curly hair." (This is just an example, of course.)

Jagger sighed silently,

Sighs generally make some sort of noise. Consider using 'quietly' or 'mentally.'

While Jagger definantly wasn't one of the rich kids

It should be 'definitely.'

It's not an accident that our lockers are right next to one another

This is missing an opening quotation mark.

She began to pace, her odd limp making her look extra jumpy.

Excellent line.

when he spoke his voice was taunt and electric.

I think 'taunt' is supposed to be 'taught.'


I'm a bit lost, maybe because I don't know what the original canon is or maybe because it's only the first chapter, but it's definitely intriguing. Lilly seems like an interesting character, though I don't really feel that she is a loser. You've told us that Jagger views her this way, and shown us that she has an eccentric sense of style and an odd limp, but it seems like something is missing.

Also, Jagger's in a band, and obviously your narrator in the chapter; but he seems a bit flat in comparison to Lilly. Consider giving him a quirk (nothing drastic, or they'll both seem outrageous) that shows itself early on, so the reader will think, "Hey, I like this dude!"


*End nitpicking*

Overall, I liked it. Good first chapter. Already have some drama, a little bit of tension, and the reader is pleasantly puzzled. Keep up the good work!

Half-blood? is that the percy jackson style or something new?
1)Few spelling mistakes.
2)Try describing characters, voice tones, etcetera
3)Sounds interesting(especially if its the same hal-blood im thinking about

I liked it! Other than one or two spelling errors I think I have a pretty good impression of the characters. The descriptions were good, both the ones about physical appearence and about how Jagger felt about Lilly. I have a sense of time because he was happy it was the last day of school, which is something I usually don't include in my writing, but should. Great job!

I liked it, girl! Jagger sounds like a really interseting dude, and I love Lilly already. She has such a unique personality. Now, on to chapter number two!

Not bad. There are parts I will discuss before I get to the positives.
Ok- always spell as okay in literary fiction
the use of italics shouldn't exist in a novel form.
the main problem I had here was the use of telling instead of showing. it occurs quite often here. ie: when you talk about Lilly's appearance.
-Her thick purple rimmed glasses were slightly crooked and a tangled mess of what might have been curly hair was tucked under an orange beanie.
See here you're telling a reader, which is not what a reader wants. We must be given hints to help us form our own vision of the characters. Your emphasis on clothes works well to describe how she is a loser, and thus the appearance is important. Try this:
"A pair of thick purple rimmed glasses sat crooked atop the tip of her nose, half hidden beneath a tangled mess of hair tucked beneath an orange beanie"

It's subtle, but it takes us along the path of this character rather than laying everything out at once.

hot blond - believe its blonde.
sometimes in dialogue you have a character adress another and include a comma before the name ie. "hello there, John". other times you do "hi there lily." the comma approach is more appropriate unless its a single word response like "yes sir"

The characters here are interesting and fairly well developed. Enjoyed the humor and the sense of growing mystery that rose within this piece. They aren't major issues listed above, but they hinder what could be an even stronger piece. Aside that, it's a nice start. Well done!

Yes! Percy Jackson! You could basically say that I'm a nerd on this subject...but anywho! On to the reviewing

As the story in general:
I LOVED it This is really well written. I mean good descriptions, it flowed smoothly, and good grammar/punctuation (thank you!).

For following the Percy Jackson books:
Firstly, his protecter, Lilly, is ...the wrong gender. Satyrs are always males; always. (if you're wondering where the females come along, it's in the dryads/nyads). Now I understand that you already have her planned out as a female, and you've written a lot and don't want to change that, so I guess it doesn't really matter. But if you were to make this an official book or something, you should probably change it.
Oh, and I think I've guess who his dad is!

Nitpicks:
I did notice one small grammar point while I was reading.

"But...you can't...what..I don't understand..." Lilly seemed confused before blurting out. "Did your mother even know who your father was?" She stopped seeing the look on Jagger's face.

There REALLY should be a comma between "stopped" and "seeing". Otherwise you read it as though she stopped seeing the look on his face, as in she stopped looking at his face XD

But overall, I really like it! I'm gonna go read some more now!

Dragonette, about Lilly being the wrong gender. Yes I knew that satyrs are technically only supposed to be male when I wrote Lilly, but I figured as a writer I'm allowed to take creative license. Otherwise, whats the fun in writing?
Thanks to everone who reviewed this piece. ~DG