Angry

Spoiler

Okay. Deep breath. This is senseless, shapeless, and I'm not even sure you can call it a poem. But I like it a lot. I don't really know why. I'm not even sure I should post this, but I'm going to. Since I don't know what the heck it is, I have no idea what I'm looking for in reviews. But I'm sure you guys will have plenty to say. So here we go.

Well, now I'm mad.
I just wrote a really
emotional, heartfelt piece,
and you still don't get it.

You're going to be absolutely fine.
Every fear you have will be disproven-
if that's the word-with time.
But my fears can only be true.

I am going to be alone
for the rest of my life
by choice. That's right,
it's my choice

but it still pisses me off.
Because I live in a
happy place, where there's
only sunshine and butterflies,

and it still sucks.
It's like life hates me,
the universe is against me,
and Murphy's law is just for me.

Life sucks and then you die.
That actually pretty much
sums it up. Except he's
too young, and I love him.

So, yeah. I'm angry.

Spoiler

Does this even make sense? I don't think it does. I still like it.

Well hello there, Supreme Ruler! This be the mark of the Bamboozle reviewer! Beware!

Actually, I think I rather like this! It’s definitely different and it reads weird but in a good way. I think the reason I actually enjoyed it so much is the fact that it comes from a very solid and natural voice and it expresses what the narrator is feeling very directly.

However, I have to quote Snoink on what she said about one of my poems: “You keep on repeating yourself so that this poem seems more like a dog chasing its tail than an actual poem. Figure out what you want to say and then say it. That doesn't mean you can't finesse it to show your desperation of the apparent hopelessness of it all. It just means that, if you want to show the desperation, we have to be impacted by your words.”

The only difference here is that you’ve managed to write a poem that seems like a dog chasing its tail and still made it feel poetic. You’re saying that “this sucks” and “this pisses me off” in different ways but it’s really the same thing over and over again so it can feel a little wearing.
Hone in on what you want to say and then say it.

There is one line in particular that I wanted to point out though:

the universe is against me,
and Murphy's law is just for me.

Outside of the fact that “me” is a bit repetitive, I love this line. It’s abstract and makes a huge impact without directly saying what you’re saying. Keep that in mind when you edit this. Cut it down to the parts that have the most punch. Shave it down and put this poem on a diet. I like the voice in it and I like what you wrote but how you put it into the poem is just very iffy.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave me a wall post or whatever!
Happy Writing!

~lilymoore

I am not really going to go much into the aspect or structure of this poem simply because you were very emotional when you wrote it, and I'm sure you are pretty much still in that emotional state. So, for now, I'm just going to speak on the topic at hand.

You're not going to be alone all your life. Trust me. I guarantee it. Boys, often enough, suck. Especially at that age level, so don't think too much about it. This is usually around the time when girls mature to a certain age where they are capable of having a decent relationship (nothing serious, of course! But I'm sure you understand my meaning). That being said, its also the time when we see the difference in maturity levels from boys to girls.

So, in all honesty, don't get upset over not having someone yet. You have a lifetime, and relationships really aren't all they're cracked up to be. I'm sure you'll realize this soon.

But if you want to keep all these emotions as a poem, try and really fix this up. I'm sure the next person to review this will easily help with structure. Sorry I couldn't have been more useful.

~Walker

i read your poem and it made me smile. wether that was your intent or not i don't know, but keep writing.

Yeah... I have to agree with Janika here, lol. I know you were very impassioned when you wrote it, but for some reason it seems pretty funny to me because the voice is so cute. So, when you talked about wanting more than sunshine and butterflies, and yet you still said that life is pain and then you die, it was kind of like, "D'aw. New, unrequited love and a clueless boy." I am pretty sure that wasn't your intention, but it ended up being that way!

Anyway, I think if you were to revise this, I would probably go for the more humorous route... I mean, if everything is sunshine and butterflies, it's easy to see how this sort of frustration can be humorous -- this is the stuff that romantic comedies are made of!

However, if you want to go a more serious route with this, you're definitely going to want to make this writing a lot more tighter and angrier. It shouldn't just be about a simple misunderstanding (which is what this poem, in effect, is). It should have a much greater gravity to it. So, you wouldn't say something like, "Oh, I'm going to be lonely for the rest of my life!" or whatever.

Self-deprecating might work better here? One of my favorite songs, called "Send In the Clowns" is about an older woman who misses what she believes is the last shot of romance with someone who she JUST realizes that she loves. And she makes fun of herself through the entire song and she makes it seem like this heartbreak -- which is very genuine to her! -- is merely a farce and something for entertainment value only, to the outsider. So, she says, "And where are the clowns? / There ought to be clowns. / Don't bother / They're here." And in doing so, she calls herself a clown and belittles herself. And it's tragic because you're like, "Noooo! It's not over yet! You'll be okay!" when you hear the song, but it's heart-breaking at the same time.

...okay, I babbled too much. Hopefully that helps! If you have any questions, feel free to bug me.

I loved this. It made me smile and I felt it and it was awesome.

My only nitpick is....

Every fear you have will be disproven -
if that's the word - with time.

(Added some spaces near the dashes)

Other than that, congrats! I felt your emotion and I saw no other problems with any of the grammar. And, your flow was really good.
So, great job!:D

Keep writing,
Alzora

Wow. You must have been really really pissed off when you wrote this. It's good that you've put it down in words because that really does help when you need to get stuff out of your system and I hope that it made you feel better, if it didn't, well...some people go through absolute hell and come out ok in the end.

I thought that it was a little too, "woe is me", and you don't need to feel like the world hates you. Cancer patients and people with MS are allowed to feel like the worlds hates them but we mere mortals who do stupid things like falling in love have only ourselves to blame i'm afraid.

So lecture aside I thought the poem was an ok read but I wasn't so keen on it. It was a rant that didn't go anywhere. I don't really know what I could suggest to improve on because it seems like yo uhave the same problems with structure that I do. Good effort, keep writing, meet some irish people, they'll show you that life is really just a massive party you just need to see it that way.

Well, I guess it is kind of formless and shapeless, and rhythm-less, and you probably can't even call it a poem, and there are a long litany of things wrong with it, but I like it. Keep Writing!