Two loves

Ok so I feel like this is ok at first but it slowly gets weaker. I wasn't happy with this because I was trying to show emotion through using description but it just didn't work. I don't really know what to do with it. Also instead of crinkle in the line about toes it was cringe I do believe. Oh well help would be taken with grace.

Orange walls hug my back,
bruising my spine
as my motions shift
steadily rocking.

Knees gently knock
against my jaw
as my toes crinkle
and grip the floor.

A hot mess
stains my garments,
reminding me
of what I'm now missing.

My glazed eyes stare
blankly at the pumping vessel
laying on the linoleum
in two pieces.

I grab thin air,
reaching for the hands
of my previous lovers
now so far away.

They fought over
the very thing
that lies in front of me
broken.

They wanted my full heart,
but neither could have
everything I had
to give.

I could never love one
and forget the other,
so their hands now bear the blood
of my severed heart.

Now I have nothing
but this empty valve
lying at my toes
waiting for the last beat.

Waiting to end it all.

Hey flowerchild!

Okay, so I need to run off to class soon (gack!) but I think the reason why you think the beginning is good and the rest isn't so good is mainly because the beginning is where you have all the interesting imagery, whereas as you continue on with the rest of the piece, it starts to resort to cliched images. For example:

Orange walls hug my back,
bruising my spine
as my motions shift
steadily rocking.

VERSUS

They wanted my full heart,
but neither could have
everything I had
to give.

So, you have this description of abject, torturous pain in the very beginning there with really vivid and interesting imagery, and then as you continue you start talking in the same sort of cliched way about not being able to give anymore. Now, you started with a torturous pain... why not continue this same sort of idea? Make it hurt all through the ending. If you do this, I definitely think that you'll be a lot happier with the outcome... and really, that's the important thing, right?

Best of luck!

Well hello there, Flower!

Okay, I am going to say right off the bat that you were right about what you said in the spoiler. The beginning has some wonderful description in it but it really tempers out near the stanza that starts with “they fought over.”

I’m really on the fence about whether I’m all that found of this at all, actually, Flower. The main reason is that love poems have begun to make me all ugh-y on the inside unless they’re really well done. One I always go back to when it comes to a favorite love poem is Explosive_Pen’s poem These Words Don’t Fit because of how it’s really a love poem that never says love. (Well she say’s lovely once but still.) And the problem with love poems is that love is a very difficult emotion to master the writing of. This means honing in on the little details more than anything to make it a successful poem. Don’t start off with the imagery of walls. Start with the powerful image of a heart, physically ripped in half by this pair of lovers. From there, pan the image out at the lovers and finally at the narrator. It’s a way of making the same journey, hitting all of those points, but doing it all in reverse.

Another thing I was wondering about but wouldn’t the title be better suited to “Two Lovers” not “Two Loves?”

Still, happy writing, Flower, and if you have any questions, you know how to reach me!
*snugs*