Ashes and Teeth: The Revision

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Here is the revised version of my story. Please let me know if you catch anything else. Thanks!

Ashes and Teeth

H. C. Smith

Darkness shrouded the land. Shadows swelled into towering cathedrals. They swept across the earth and up the trees and mountains. The darkness was an entity, a presence that had settled over the wilderness. It was alien to Wendy Grimm, like a pilgrim from a foreign, unknown land.

Wendy stood in the darkness alone. Fingers of the talking winds snatched her dress. Her long, dark hair rippled around her face. All was dark and silent. Deathly leaves fell from the darkness. They clung to the grass and dirt. As the moon ascended in the sky, shadows and leaves fell at her feet.

She was not afraid, but was wide awake, as if her senses were heightened by the darkness. Blood boiled in her veins with an anxious fever.

There was something about the unfamiliar darkness that called to her, and she had an unexpected desire to call back to it. There was a name on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to speak. However, Wendy did not know who would be in the woods to hear it.

Wendy did know one thing. She was there for a reason; to find Ethelred.

Rather hesitant, she called out to him. “Ethelred!”

Her voice was borne through the forest by the wind like a vapor. Wendy felt a subtle shift in the air. She was unsure of what she had done and waited apprehensively.

Suddenly, a voice behind her came to life, as if it had been born from the air and darkness. It was a beautiful, but chilling voice. It rang like haunting bells. “Wendy.” It spoke her name.

Wendy whirled around to see Ethelred Antonescu emerging from the shadows. His white face stood out against the darkness. Ethelred had a tall forehead, a bony face. His round, chiselled jaw was motionless, along with the curves of his lips. He was as she remembered him: unblinking, ageless, and immortal. He was a beautiful statue, born from the air and shadows.

His skin was white like ashes. It emitted an iridescent light. His long, blonde hair fell around his face to the collar of his dark military jacket. The moon glinted off his boots.

Wendy leaned toward Ethelred absentmindedly, but then faltered. Her arm was outstretched to him, but her fingers had curled back. They glimmered darkly. His irises flashed like polished onyx. She looked upon him and she glanced at the shadows at his back.

Wendy felt an icy breeze upon her, but realized it was not the wind at all. It was Ethelred’s breath.

“Ethelred.” Wendy breathed. Her feet were rooted to the ground.

He nodded and flashed a bewitching, taunting white grin. “Wendy, what are you doing out here alone?”

Wendy lifted her face to him. “I came to find you.”

Ethelred said in a charming, classic voice, “Good. I wanted to be with you.” In a flicker, he was but inches from Wendy. The fragrance of his skin was disturbing to her. He smelled of roses and blood. It contorted her stomach and she turned her face from him.

Ethelred’s fingers brushed across her arms delicately like spiders. She cringed at his touch and said in a shuddering whisper, “You’re so cold.”

Wendy found his eyes. They were searching her, drinking her in. “I see you’re wearing the dress I gave to you. Do you like it?” His beautiful lips curled. He ignored her remark.

It was a red lace dress. Its slim straps barely clung to her thin shoulders. The dress fell in a billowing skirt around her knees. She was also sporting brown leather combat boots.

“It’s beautiful.” Wendy said hesitantly. Her brow furrowed. Ethelred smiled.

Ethelred touched a finger to her lips. His fingers were like ice. “You’re beautiful, Wendy.” She shivered. “You’re nothing short of angelic.”

Wendy narrowed her eyes. “Don’t talk to me about angels.”

Ethelred’s face was so close to hers that she could feel the coldness of his skin sinking into her bones. “Why not?”

“Angels are religion’s thing.” Wendy said in a whisper. Religion disgusted her.

The dead silence hung painfully between them. An itch crept up Wendy’s spine.

Then, from the stillness, Ethelred spoke. “Wendy, may I ask you a question or two?”

Wendy nodded. “Sure.” She clawed at an itch on her neck.

“This is just out of my curiosity.” Ethelred said. He clasped his hands behind his back. His brow arched. “But I would like to know this: do you believe in God?”

Wendy’s heart stopped. God? What did Ethelred know about God? Wendy had known Ethelred for a long time, and he was no religious man. “God?” Her eyes narrowed.

Ethelred gave a curt nod. “Yes, dear. You don’t believe in angels. But, do you believe in God?”

Wendy shook her head. “No.” Her eyes were intently focused on Ethelred, trying to read his reaction. She thought she saw a smile creep up on his lips.

“Alright. Another question.” He said in a hushed tone. “Do you believe in the Devil?”

Wendy was bemused by his question. Weren’t God and the Devil in the same category? If one did not believe in God, then shouldn’t it be obvious that they do not believe in the Devil? Wendy thought it was a trick question. “Should I, Ethelred?” She was irritated.

Ethelred chuckled darkly. After a long pause, he answered: “Yes.”

The moment the word was expelled from his lips, a gust of wind rushed through the woods. The trees moaned under its weight. The leaves stirred at Wendy’s feet. As the darkness gathered around them, Wendy could not help but sense something ethereal about it all.

Wendy was agitated. A chill raced up her spine, her skin tingled. Anxiety was slowly feeding her fear. “Why should I?” The excited winds pulled the breath through her lips.

“Because I am the Devil.”

Wendy’s eyes widened. “Have you lost your mind?”

Ethelred stood motionless. His eyes shimmered with a wicked gleam. He did not answer, but in a flash, his flesh turned black and dissolved into dark smoke by unexpected witchery. He vanished and the mist whirled around Wendy. Her skirt whispered around her knees. Wendy's heart raced. Was she hallucinating? Had she gone mad?

Wendy spun around on her heels and saw the column of smoke solidify into Ethelred again. Shrouds of shadows drifted about him. “Do you believe me now?”

Wendy was speechless. Her lips parted in bewilderment.

Ethelred lifted his arms and by some form of sorcery made a blazing fire ignite from the air. She could feel the rush of heat upon her face as the flames erupted from his finger tips. Wendy held her arms in front of her face and backed away from the flames. The fire cast away the shadows for only a moment.

When the flames dissipated, the darkness rushed back around Wendy, and she was cold again. Ethelred laughed wildly. “Do you believe me now?”

Then, in a blink of an eye, he disappeared into the wind without a trace. Adrenaline charged through Wendy’s veins like fire. She whirled about, her eyes searching frantically to catch a glimpse of Ethelred.

“Do you believe me now?” It was a whisper in her ear, closer than her own breath. She screamed.

Suddenly, a sharp pain forked through her body like lightning. Wendy gasped and tried to escape, but Ethelred’s powerful arms held her in place. Something cut into her. It felt like razors slashing the flesh on her neck. She squirmed in Ethelred’s grip and shrieked.

Wendy finally managed to tear herself free from his grip. She whirled around to face him and her hand flew to her neck. Hot blood seeped through her fingers. Ethelred had bitten her.

Her blood was smeared across his chin and mouth. His lips were curled back, revealing his razor-sharp teeth, protruding from his mouth like nails. Ethelred’s eyes were cloudy like those of a dead man. His knees bent, his back arched, and he leaned forward. He was a beast, ready to pounce.

“Ethelred! Stop!” Her hands were in front of her, but she knew she was no match for Ethelred. Tears fell from her eyes. Horror shed its wrath through her body. She was going to die.

An inhuman roar ripped from his chest and with power and force, he lunged.

“Ethelred!” Wendy shrieked. She saw a blur of white ashes, glimmering eyes, and gnashing teeth.

Ethelred took her throat.



Wendy gasped and bolted upright in her bed. Air rushed into her lungs. Wendy’s hand was at her throat. She was damp with sweat. Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. Her pulse was racing. Locks of hair were stuck to the back of her neck. Tears sprung in her eyes and she blinked them away quickly.

It had been a dream. A nightmare.

Wendy looked around her dark room and waited until she stopped trembling. She reached over to her bedside table. She found a match and lit a candle. When light crowded the room, she was relieved. Then something caught her eye.

Across her sheets and her pillow was a dark, shimmering crimson stain. It filled her eyes with its presence. She covered her mouth with a hand to keep from screaming. It was blood.

Wendy quickly touched the skin of her neck. Her fingers brushed over something wet and jagged. Her flesh was upturned and scarred just below her ear. Pain ripped through her nerves when she touched the wound. Wendy began to tremble again.

“Oh my God.” Wendy breathed. She knew what it was.

Bite marks.
Last edited by Cole on Sat Sep 03, 2011 2:53 pm, edited 14 times in total.




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I loved this. The revisions made it even better, and I have my fingers crossed for a novel!

Just some quick notes first:
The first time when I mentioned the stuff about 'air and shadows', I didn't know it was a reference to Satan. Haven't really read the Bible myself. So if people get the reference, it's a great point. Just make sure that new people understand the reference.

The name-- Ethelred Antonescu. Antonescu is Romanian? I didn't know that. Now it makes more sense.

Now onto the review!

The moon glinted off his boots.
I really like this sentence. I don't know if it was in the original draft or not, but I like it. Just small details like that make the scene more real.

Wendy found his eyes. They were searching her, drinking her in. “I see you’re wearing the dress I gave to you. Do you like it?” His beautiful lips curled. He ignored her remark.

Wendy wore a red lace dress. Its slim straps barley clung to her thin shoulders. The dress fell in a billowing skirt around her knees. She was also sporting brown leather combat boots.
First, I have to say: 'I see you're wearing the dress I gave you.' How else would he know she was wearing the dress he gave her? It seems a little redundant. Second, when you say 'Wendy wore a red lace dress.' I think I would tweak it to instead be 'It was a red lace dress.' We can kind of figure she was wearing it.

Wendy’s heart stopped. God? What did Red know about God? Wendy had known Red for a long time, and he was no religious man. “God?” Her eyes narrowed.
Thanks for the explanation! Makes it a lot clearer.

Wendy shook her head. “No.” Her eyes were intently focused on Red, trying to read his reaction. She thought she saw a smile creep upon his lips.
I would suggest 'a smile creep up on his lips.' or 'a smile creep to his lips.' 'Upon' just doesn't fit with the sentence.

Wendy was bemused by his question. Weren’t God and the Devil in the same category? If one did not believe in God, then shouldn’t it be obvious that they do not believe in the Devil? Wendy thought it was a trick question. “Should I, Red?” She was irritated.
Thanks again for the clarification. I wasn't sure if she was saying it confusedly, seductively, or irritatedly. (Are those -'ly's even words?)

A chill raced up her spine, her skin tingled.
I think the comma needs to be replaced with a semicolon, since both of the parts of the sentence could stand alone.

Red lifted his limp arms and by some form of sorcery made a blazing fire ignite from the air.
Sorry, but I think limp usually is associated with a dead person's arm, meaning there is no strength in it. I find it hard to believe that Red is weak in any aspect.

Then, in a blink of an eye, he disappeared into the wind without a trace.
I read this and think of those really old movies where if someone had to disappear, they would stop the film, the person would walk off, and then start the film again with no dramatic disappearence whatsoever. Is that the move you're going for?

It felt like razors slashing the flesh upon her neck. She squirmed in Red’s grip and shrieked.
You really like using the word 'upon', don't you? I would replace it with just plain 'on'.

Wendy finally managed to tear herself free from his grip. She whirled around to face him and her hand flew to her neck. Hot blood seeped through her fingers. Red had bitten her.

Her blood was smeared across his chin and mouth.
We can kind of assume he bit her from the beginning of the next paragraph.

Horror shed its wrath through her body. She was going to die.
Sorry, but huh? I get that she was going to die, but how does 'horror shed its wrath'?

Her heart was beating furiously in her chest. Her pulse was racing.
Same thing, different wording.

She reached over to her bedside table. She found a match and lit a candle.
It would flow better if the period was replaced with a comma and 'and' or a semicolon.

Across her sheets and her pillow was a dark, shimmering crimson stain. It filled her eyes with its presence. She covered her mouth with a hand to keep from screaming. It was blood.
I think that we can assume it was blood, not fruit punch. Telling us isn't necessary.

Wendy quickly touched the skin of her neck. Her fingers brushed over something wet and jagged. Her flesh was upturned and scarred just below her ear.
If the blood on the bed is shimmery, how is the cut already scarred? Sorry I didn't catch that in the first draft.

This story just keeps getting better and better! Can't wait for more!
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Hmmm... that was the the most interesting tale of...this nature... that I have ever read.

So, I have to ask, is the the devil, Red, a vampire or just... acting like one?

I got chills when he started talking about God! I must say I love the way you introduced to concept of angels, God and the devil. Using the fact that the devil believes in God was very interesting!

Keep writing,
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
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Hi HaydenSmith!

This reminds me of a story I wrote several years back, so I am a bit partial to the topic already! :)

Okay... just a couple of things!

1. Why is Satan so ready to show off his identity? I mean, why would he want to? He has everything he wants... he has deceived her in every possible way to follow him and she does so willingly. In effect, he has completely turned her away from God. Why does he want to possibly spoil this?

2. Why is fire used and why does the devil possess fire? One of the reasons why fire is so commonly depicted in hell is because it is a symbol of God's manifestation of love. Because of His love, he burns through the sins, if that makes sense. That's why you have God burning all the bits of the vineyard that don't produce fruit... that's why you have tongues of flame descend on his disciples. So, fire is a very Godly symbol. Why would Satan possess this and, moreover, control it?

3. How does she even stop this torment? This is more of a personal nitpick, but one time a couple of years ago, I heard all these weird voices, and I swear I thought I was going to go insane because they were inside my head and they were NOT nice at all. And the more I begged and pleaded for them to go away, the louder they became. It was only when I thought, "Oh God, help me!" did the voices suddenly become silent... like, spooky silent. It was eerie, but it was a miracle and such a beautiful, beautiful thing. So, the torment only stopped through God. What makes him stop here?

Anyway, interesting story. It'll be neat to see what you do with it!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Hey, Snoink! I’m glad you liked my story. I’ll answer your questions:

1. Why is Satan showing his identity? In my larger piece, I make this clearer. He does this because he wants Wendy to put up a fight. He sees it as a game. He wants Wendy to try to pry herself from his grip, and at the last moment, when she has hope, he will smother her. Crush her.

2. Why does the Devil posses the ability to manipulate fire? I just saw it as a form of witchcraft. I’ve always seen fire as a Godly thing. The thing is, Satan wants to BE God. Have you noticed Satan has his own Trinity? Satan, the Antichrist, and the False Prophet (But, of course, it’s not an equal Trinity. Satan is always in power). Satan tries to make himself into God. Why not use one of God’s symbols and corrupt it?

In the larger piece of mine, one of my characters, Reverend Sirius, comments on the vampire-like creatures in my story called “Them”: “Blood is such a powerful symbol in Scripture. It seems only appropriate that They would come to pervert it and turn it into a symbol of lust.”

3. How does Wendy release herself from the torment? I never thought she did. When she awakens from her nightmare and feels the bite marks on her neck, and sees the blood, I feel like it’s only just begun.




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Yay for answered questions! :D

1. You should definitely write your larger piece then! And, he seems to be a pretty lame demon after all... they're only powerful when they have the cover of deception on them. If they don't have deception, they have truth, and... well... that sucks for them, doesn't it? ;)

2. Yeah, but why would Satan have control of fire, in such a magical way? That's my problem... it seems that he is a divine being when really he is a deceiver.

3. Being stuck in a dream world is worse, I think... in any case, now she has the opportunity to get herself healed and stuff. I say he can do better, lol!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Don't forget that Satan is a divine being. Satan wasn't altered when he fell from heaven. He is still the most powerful of God's angels. He is still the most glorious. Satan's power isn't just in decieving. Satan has unimaginable divine abilities, as all angels do.

Also, Ethelred doesn't just exist in Wendy's dreams. He's real.




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I don't get it though... where as Satan in the bible, as the fallen most power angel, or did I miss something big? It doesn't seem quite accurate. I mean, I know he's in the Qu'ran, but in the bible? Where?

And, even IF Satan is the most glorious being, etc., etc., there is no way in hell (pardon the expression) that he could ever match up with God, ever. That's completely impossible.

And yes, real is one thing... but in dreams, we are completely vulnerable. The physical realm is the one where people are connected with each other through love, and that makes his power a lot more powerful to use -- as long as we have love, we're okay. It's complete isolation (especially with the vulnerability in the dream world) that makes it that much more terrifying.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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Who did you think Satan was?

I never thought Satan equalled God in any form or way. However, Satan BELIEVES he is better than God. That is what began the war between good and evil. God is infinitely more glorious, more loving, more good, more holy, more powerful, more beautiful, more merciful, more wonderful, more mighty than Satan. But, Satan is very powerful. I think it foolish to deny his ability, not in a "worship his might" sense, but just to beware it. Satan is the destroyer of mankind. He is the one who has stained God's children with sin. It is his power and beauty that gave him pride, that made him vain.

The Bible calls Satan by many different names. Each name has a slightly different meaning. The many other names for Satan give a fuller picture of who Satan is and what he does. There are more names for Satan in the Bible than for anyone else except Jesus Christ.

Accuser
Adversary
Angel of Light
Angel of the Bottomless Pit
Anointed Covering Cherub
Antichrist
Beast
Deceiver
Destroyer
Devil
Dragon
Enemy
Evil one
Father of Lies
God of This Age
King of the Bottomless Pit
Lawless One
Leviathan
Liar
Lord of Air and Darkness
Lucifer
Man of Sin
Murderer
Roaring Lion
Ruler of Demons
Ruler of This World
Son of Perdition
Son of the Morning
Star
Tempter
Thief
Wicked One

From Isaiah:

How you have fallen from heaven,
Lucifer, son of the morning!
You have been cast down to the earth,
you who once laid low the nations!
You said in your heart,
"I will ascend to the heavens;
I will raise my throne
above the stars of God;
I will sit enthroned on the mount of assembly,
on the utmost heights of Mount Zion.
I will ascend above the tops of the clouds;
I will make myself like the Most High.”
But you are brought down to the realm of the dead,
to the depths of the pit.

...

And, by the way, this is just a story. It's simply religious fiction.




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I know, but you know me. I like to pick apart things to death. Also, I don't doubt that he is powerful... trust me! You do not mess with demons. At all. But, at the same time, it seems like he can't be that powerful, as long as we put our trust in the true Advocate, aka Jesus Christ.

So, I don't know... with regards to your story, if that horrible thing was happening to me, I would call out for anybody whom I think would be able to help, and that would definitely be God. So, by putting Wendy through such intense suffering, I am not sure why Satan would actually want to do this. Have you read "The Screwtape Letters" or seen the movie "Bedazzled"? In those two pieces, Satan rejects putting them through real suffering... instead, he relies on the tedium of every day life to really make things bad and to tempt those to reject their lives into something fake -- after all, he is a deceiver. For me, when I am the most in pain, I am the closest to God... it is when pain isn't real that I start concentrating on my own imaginary woes and get farther away from God, if that makes sense. And I know many other people feel the same way. So it's just odd... why wouldn't Satan just continue the dream so she feels out of her mind and doesn't seek help from anyone who may love her, because she thinks she is crazy?

And, in the bible, the serpent isn't actually categorized as Satan, so I am not sure how that quite works. If he were a powerful angel, why would he want to stoop down to be a serpent's level, if his primary fault is pride? I am not sure that Satan is all of those people and I think it may just be a translation that groups those demons as Satan. >.>
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I see where you're going. : )

I know what you mean about the story seemingly to be out of Satan's character. These aren't based on my own personal experiences, but I have encountered what I believe to be demons in flesh. I have been confronted by wicked forces, and Satan is very real to me. I think that's why I express it so candidly here.

For me, the focus of this story is faithlessness. If you do not believe in the Devil, it won't save you from him.




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For me, the focus of this story is faithlessness. If you do not believe in the Devil, it won't save you from him.
An excellent point.

why wouldn't Satan just continue the dream so she feels out of her mind and doesn't seek help from anyone who may love her, because she thinks she is crazy?

I have a question, if you woke up from a dream with bite marks on your neck would you think you were sane?
I have some strange freakish dreams at times, (at times I wake up in pain... I guess what they say about pain being in the mind is true) but I don't believe that what happened in my dreams is reality regardless of the pain. I understand some folks think dreams are reality but most of us don't. So why would the woman believe in God, the Devil or angels simply because of her dream? (Especially if, as Hayden implies she might know 'Red' in real life not just in her dream. If she knows him personally she is not going to believe he is the Devil after she wakes up. Would you?)

For the record, it is not Satan's goal to make people not believe in God. His goal is one, to make people believe he is god and two, to prevent as many people as possible from accepting the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

Just my opinion, but I think Hayden has done a wonderful job of giving us a fictional story about faith (or the lack there of) to make us think. What he portrays the devil or God as can't ever compare to reality anyway. That being the case I think he did very, very well.

Keep Writing,
~FW~
http://www.isiseiyr.com
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This is really good. I like how he says that she should believe in him right before he reveals himself. One thing I wondered...does she know Ethelred personally in her real life? Had she actually been given a red lace dress? Or was her dream just creating imaginary fantasies which your sleeping mind can't help but believe? Or something in her mind was creating them...
Anyway. Good story. Awesome wording and pace. Very captivating and powerful. basically, it's champion. :]
--Shackled




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Congratulations on third place! Here is your review prize!

First of all- the ideas are the best things about this piece. I can already see that the ideas you have about the character Ethelred and his Satanic qualities have already triggered some intriguing comments and debates in the review section, and that's a fantastic thing. Some of the best stories are the ones that get people thinking and discussing with their friends.

Although, it is a little vague- Ethelred seems to lack motivation for tormenting Wendy, other than because he's Satan and therefore evil and because it's fun. I understand completely that this is part of a larger piece, make no mistake, but if that's the case then you really should write this larger piece (or, if you already have, I apologise profoundly and will attempt to seek it out to answer your questions!).

That's not to say Ethelred isn't a poor character; anything but. Before he transforms into this beast, I presume it's meant to represent his "true form" as the Devil, his maliciousness is subtle and delicious. He's a smooth talker, one of those villains that you "love to hate", simply because their badness is so entertaining. And then his schizophrenic transformation into this horrible creature is wonderful; you really get a sense of how wild this character is.

Having said this, you shouldn't accidentally make the protagonist a weaker character because of how effective the villain is- you've managed to escape this very well by making Wendy quite a strong character, but you must watch out in future for villains that are so good that they make the hero less interesting.

Overall, this was thoroughly entertaining, and very scary and suspenseful. A well deserved contest placing!
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