Stuck in a Dead F**k

Stuck in a Dead Fuck.
Put it down to bad luck.
Pull it, make it grow,
Drive it fast, make it slow.

Give me reason, Give me why,
Give me peaches, give me pie,
Give me love, Give me funny,
Give me sugar, give me honey.


Dirty
Twisted
Bring me down.
Laugh at, spit at.
Filthy clown.


Make me pure like 1st May
Say “I love you”, make the day.
Tear me up, i n c h by i n c h.
Angry mob, bloody lynch.
I’m not living, I must be dead.
Sleeping with a corpse,
Then kick me out of bed.

Hello!

I don't mind depictions of sex or anything, even if they're graphic, but I found this really boring. Maybe that's because I was expecting something much graphic, and this wasn't it? In any case, it seemed kind of silly, like you were trying to introduce all these "dirty" concepts through innuendo, but there really wasn't anything there in the first place. Also, it looks like you kind of tried to introduce the concept of necrophilia? Yeah... it didn't quite work. Either that, or you tried to introduce the concept of petit mort. But, in that case, your narrator is awfully cruel, lol. I mean, why would you kick someone out of bed for having an orgasm? That's just mean.

Anyway! My advice is, if you want this to be graphic and 18+, then make it graphic and don't dance around innuendos. Also, be more clear what you mean by death. And, if you want to make this more nasty (which I assume you do)? Make it "spit out" instead of "spit at." Even that little change makes it way more graphic.

Best of luck!

.........the conservative side of me is wondering why I even bothered to click on this, the paranoid part is hoping my parents won't see it, and the part that prefers reviewing poetry over pretty much anything else just doesn't seem to care all that much. So. Here we go.

............I'm not even gonna comment on the imagery, I have no experience........

Interesting what you did with the emphases there. I kinda like it.

Ok, I'm sorry, this isn't a very good review. I keep... yeah. *cough*

I’m not living, I must be dead.
Sleeping with a corpse,
kick it out of bed.

To me, I think it would flow better if the middle line were "I sleep" instead of "sleeping", but I could be very well be wrong. (It would still fit, with the way you worded the line before it.

Anyway, it was a pretty good poem, and I do hope you get another review from someone who *coughcoughcoughetycough* actually..... likes...... *runs away*

Anyway. Um. Okay, I'll just stop typing now. (Sorry I couldn't be more helpful.)

Alright, so I’m going to deviate from the idea of necrophilia and assume you’re talking about the slang term dead fuck. Given that, it makes a bit more graphic sense? Either way, it’s not all that cohesive or interesting, and it reads off like a set of song lyrics—and if it is, then I could move this to the Lyrics Section for you. But anyway, let’s hit a review.

So your first stanza is basically as sexual as the entire poem gets, but it doesn’t make sense within itself, given that you just start spouting off phrases to make rhymes and rhythm. So you’re stuck with a girl who won’t respond to you—I apologize, but it’s not making me feel bad or excited or whatever you want out of me. I want you to reconsider lines three and four and make them cohesive—tie them into the first two.

Stanza two is just…what is it? It’s like a weird grocery list that needs some trimming. You have some space to make more cohesion here. If you want a dirty poem, put more dirt in. If you want a poem on necrophilia, then put more skeletal imagery in.

The bolded space, which I imagine is a chorus, goes further off-track. It feels like a Lady Gaga song at this point, and needs shaping up. Anyway, at this point, I’m really thinking that you meant these to be song lyrics—so yeah. Contact me if you want it moved!

Stanza four gets back to your original idea. I’d change “1st May” to “1st of May” for your rhythm. Your play on “i n c h by i n c h” is just about the most sexual thing in the entire poem, and it’s the only thing that gives strong connotation to a phallus. You could’ve hit that in stanza one, but you used ‘it’, which is a bad pronoun to use in the first place, no matter what you’re writing. Vagueness is awful—remember that.

Aaaand you wrap things up by wanting to get this girl who is not responding to you out of your bed. Congratulations. I’m a bit disappointed because none of this really produces anything but a glimpse of a story and a grocery list. Tie things up and make them coherent to your central theme. Right now it’s just very gray area. Add dirt, remove dirt, talk about what you mean.

Be intentional.

Let me know if you have any questions or comments, or if you want me to move this for you (if it is actually a set of lyrics).

-Lumi

To simply put it, it was somewhat boring. I expected something much more grotesque and interesting. I actually expected a necrophiliac image because of the title...Maybe you meant something else, but I'm not sure what else it could be.

You warned the people not to click if they didn't like sexual images and shit, but then I clicked on this and I didn't really get any of that. Not that I was looking forward to it, I mean I'm not a horny pervert, but I just thought it would be interesting to read something different, but what I got didn't impress me.

I'm very sorry, I'm not trying to diss you or anything, but I think you should re-write this and feel the poem within you. Don't worry so much about having to rhyme, just at first make it flow and make it have meaning. Then, re post it, and I would love to read it.

I dont know what intruged me to read that but since i did i am going to review it.

First: I didnt really get it at all i mean it didnt make the reader feel anything at all.
Second: What was the second stanza about? Did u just add in a bunch of words that ryhme.
Third: Overall i didnt like this at all. You might want to rethink the whole the whole thing.

Sorry if I wasnt much of a help

Hello,
to start out--i liked the idea of this. As twisted and strange as it may be, it has great potential. It sort of reminded me of a perverted Edgar Allen Poe type thing. It's creepy but sexual. Like I said, it's strange. I'm gonna comment stanza by stanza just becasue I feel it'll be clearer.

First stanza:
I like the hidden perversions hidden within this. It's explict but reserved at the same time. It's just something that each person has to depict and make there own imagery out of it. I particularly liked the last two lines of this stanza.

Second stanza:
I didn't understand the purpose of this stanza. But I think it still belongs here. I don't know. It's very confusing. I would want it to stay here but I think you should make your intentions for it more clear. Just say what you were meaning to say and don't beat around the bush.

Third stanza:
This, I think, could be eliminated completely unless you clarify and give it more of a purpose. I like it but at the same time it feels out of place.

Fourth stanza:
I think that you should say "1st of May" instead of "1st May" just for rhyming purposes.
Also, I like the imagery in the fourth line. It gives it a creepy depth.
The ending's a bit off for me. But I'm not sure how you would change it.

I hope this helped at least a little bit. Please feel free to PM me comment on my wall if you want to discuss anything further.

Good start and always keep writing.

-Lexi

Honestly I didn't see much imagery. And I also think it could have been more detailed. More...emotion. It had a lot of emotion in it, but I felt that what you wrote was just written for the hell that it rhymed most the time.
I still liked it and thought it was...interesting.