Will You Fly With Me?

Okay. Wow.
Really, to get inspired by a picture and to write it into a poem and to actually say how you feel about it is really nice.
Sometimes, for me anyways, when I get inspired by something, I just never find the exact words to describe it. So, since you've done that there, you've just earned five stars from me!

Okay, so, back to the poem. I found this:

When you translated your feelings into words, it is obvious that some parts will go a little... blah. Even for the most awesomest poet on YWS. There was a little bug in the middle. (But I may be wrong, my minds not vrey clear today. Sniff. So if I am, excuse me.)

What I really loved was the ending. The pictures. I must say, that was a good and smart finish to an amazing poem. (To show where you've got inspired from always helps people know what you're talking about and what excatly it is.)

I'd really like to hear more from you!

-Natasha.

Icy here to review for you!

Firstly, I have to say well done for being so inspired by these images! I love the fact that you can just look at them and get such a good poem out of them.

I often find that when I try to do things like this it doesn't really work, as I can never get the images onto paper properly.
Agreeing with Justtrying at this point, I think the middle is somewhat lacking, although not being very experienced in poetry I can't really describe how ...

On the whole though, a really good poem and I'm completely jealous of your skills!

Keep writing!

Hey I really liked your poem! The idea of flying has always fascinated me. (I'm so jealous of birds!) You really put me in the scene. My only criticism is the flow and rhythm. A few verses seemed kind of forced, if you know what I mean. Other than that, again, awesome job and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

Hey I really liked your poem! The idea of flying has always fascinated me. (I'm so jealous of birds!) You really put me in the scene. My only criticism is the flow and rhythm. A few verses seemed kind of forced, if you know what I mean. Other than that, again, awesome job and I look forward to seeing more of your work.

First off, Make the pictures smaller, they're difficult to read and would be more effective when visible all in one row.
Now, onward to the poem!

If I were to offer sky,
and moon and dark so true,
Would you let go of your fear,
and let my wings hold you?

I’m reaching as far as I can,
but I need your hand to hold.
I’ve so many things to whisper,
please listen to them told.

If I were to offer love, You used 'were' I love correct grammar. Woop woop
and hope and trust so pure, I think you should describe things that convey the meaning of these emotions rather than just coming out and say them. Show don't tell!
would you dive midair with me,
‘till all else becomes a blur? the rhythm is.. off in this stanza

Feel the wind
sweep through your hair. , comma instead
Touch the sunshine,
breath the air.

Push off your cliff, I don't think 'your' fits in this stanza since it interrupts the 'togetherness' concept.. did what I just said make any sense?
leap from your tree,
take my hand and
fly with me! awww cute ending

Good luck and keep writing my fellow YWS-er.
-KatTrain

double post!

Hi there! Haha, I haven't reviewed anything in a while, so please forgive me if this isn't all that great.

Anyway, onto the review.

I really liked this poem. When I read through it, it almost sounded like something you would find in a poetry book that you would have to analyze for a class assignment or something. Very well-written. The rhyme scheme was constant, and the rhythm to which it is to be read was constant and flowing too. Even for the best of poets, that can be very hard to do- you know, if they write poetry with rhyme and rhythm- so you did very well.

There are a few nitpicks though.

If I were to offer sky,
and moon and dark so true,
Would you let go of your fear,
and let my wings hold you?

I'm reaching as far as I can,
but I need your hand to hold.
I've so many things to whisper,
please listen to them told.

If I were to offer love,
and hope and trust so pure,
would you dive midair with me,
'till all else becomes a blur?

Feel the wind
sweep through your hair.
Touch the sunshine,
breath the air.

Push off your cliff,
leap from your tree,
take my hand and
fly with me!

Okay, so you see how I bolded the first letter of every other line? You capitalized most of them, but there were the one or two that you left in lowercase. I know this seems stupid, but it'd look much nicer if you kept the capitalization of your lines constant. If you're going to only capitalize every other line, make sure to do it for every stanza.

The last two stanzas are by far my favorites. They're beautiful, lyrical almost. The only stanza, really, that bothered me at all was the second one. I don't know, but something about just bothered me. Like, I like how it's different from the first and third stanzas and helps set them apart. That's awesome. Really, I think the only issue would be the first line of it.

I'm reaching as far as I can,
but I need your hand to hold.
I've so many things to whisper,
please listen to them told.

That red part is the only issue really. Something about it just doesn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. Maybe try rewording it or something? I went through and did a syllable count, through the whole poem. The whole poem, with the exception of the last two stanzas, seems to revolve around six or seven syllables, but that first line of the second stanza has eight. Maybe that's it? Other than that, I really like that stanza and how it stands alone and helps the poem flow. Just work on that one line, and it could be perfect.

Overall, I really liked your poem, especially considering you said it was a "spur-of-the-moment" sort of thing. I like how you used a picture of your own to inspire your poem. That shows great talent. On a side note, the picture is pretty epic too.

Anyway, this is a great poem. Keep it up, and I hope to maybe see your work in poetry books and such in the future.


-Emily

Wow, I really like this! It's so cool you're basing it off your own art work! Brilliant!
My Favorite part:

Feel the wind
sweep through your hair.
Touch the sunshine,
breath the air.

I really liked the images this put in my head from the way you said things

"If I were to offer sky,
and moon and dark so true,
would you let go of your fear,
and let my wings hold you?

I’m reaching far as I can,
but I need your hand to hold.
I’ve so many things to whisper,
please listen to them told.

If I were to offer love,
and hope and trust so pure,
would you dive midair with me,
‘till all else becomes a blur?

Feel the wind
sweep through your hair.
Touch the sunshine,
breath the air.

Push off your cliff,
leap from your tree,
take my hand and
fly with me!"

love love love it


part that ment the most to me was:

I’m reaching far as I can,
but I need your hand to hold. ( i got ya cold hands )
I’ve so many things to whisper,
please listen to them told. ( always )

If I were to offer love,
and hope and trust so pure,
would you dive midair with me,
‘till all else becomes a blur?

and i really do hope you trust me ... that's something that I hope i can offer to everyone I know

Wow that was sooo neat and creative!! I thought that it was a great way to show how inspiration can come from anything in life <3 keep writing!

After reading your poem here, I am at loss of words. This was beautifully written and even better with a picture to go along. This was inspiring and I absolutely loved it!!

I like it. The second stanza's rhyme seems a little forced, but that's about it (hold, told). Other than that, I really liked this little piece. Good job and good luck!

Wow, this was really great. Simple but Sweet! The rythm and flow worked wonderfully and so did most of your rhymes. All though, in the second stanza, the last line seemed a bit forced.. I love the structure of this piece, and you've managed punctuation so... ehm. Well, the imagery was great too. So overall.. GREAT!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Daisuky, if not look bad, you got 14?
It is truly amazing, not just the ability to create, inventiveness and imagination, but also the ability to infect that energy, that desire to fly. I felt happy with your poem, and look forward to reading works well.