Reomi: Prologue [new]

Spoiler

Im new here. And I am also new in writing.

I am a Filipino who wanted to write a fantasy novel in English. Fantasy is not well loved by Filipinos so if I wanna be discovered I need to write in English. But the problem is, I find it very difficult and I cant express some good ideas in English. Please help me !!

Tears submerged Lois’ eyes when he woke up that morning. This is the time. He thought. Memories filled his mind; of friends, family, and identity. Now he had to leave all of these behind, and cross to another dimension, not only to protect himself but his parents too.

He rose and put on his ragged jimuno, and made his bed before finding his mother, who was preparing all the materials needed for the portal spell.

“Neah, you need to come with me. I don’t want to leave you here alone. What if they hurt you while I’m gone? What if-”


“Son, you must go alone, you need to hide. Once the Council of Five discovers that you have left Hecrenesia, and gone to the forbidden dimension...” she wiped her tears on a piece of green cloth and said, “I am sorry that you need to suffer from this.”

Lois hugged his mother; once again, tears soaked his cloud gray eyes.

“It is not your fault,” Lois whispered and looked at his mother’s pale face. He saw her despair in the tears that fell from her deep blue eyes.

“I am concerned about leaving you here where I can't protect you!” He hugged his mother firmly, kissed her cold cheek and stepped back from her.

“All of these preparations are worthless; they will definitely find and kill me, not just me, but you and Jiduo too. We can’t control our destiny!” Lois yelled

“No, we will not lose you! We will do everything for you to stay alive!” Neah said, convincing herself

“What about you and Jiduo? If the Council of Five discovered that you have broken their law, they will sentence you to death! And I won't even be here to protect you!”

“Don’t worry, your father and I will take care of everything. Now, prepare yourself.” Neah pleaded.

The time has come for Lois to leave Hecrenesia. He has no power to present to the Academia. They will discover the secret that he and his mother, Neah, are keeping from them. He is no ordinary Reomi: an elemental controller.

Here to review as requested!

I really loved this, I think your idea is great, and the characters seem really interesting, especially their situations. It wasn't boring, and you made me as the reader, want more. Yes, you have a few grammar problems, but those can easily be fixed

(Also, this is tons better than your first one, well done! ^_^

Nitpicks:

First off, I think that you could really expand on this prologue, at parts it seems like you're dumping loads of information on me at once, and at others, I want to know things. This is a fantasy world right? What does it look like? Is it big, small? How does he feel right now? Is there anything else to the council of five, except who they are? I get that Neah and Jiduo shouldn't of been together, but, why is that so? What is this forbidden dimension? Shouldn't he be a little reluctant to go, seing as it's 'forbidden'? Does that mean there are bad things there? He says 'while I'm gone' does that mean he's coming back? Just answering a few of these questions, and adding a bit more detail could make it much better

iampaulop wrote:Tears submerged Lois’ eyes when he woke up that morning. so, he wakes up and suddenly starts crying? I don't know about you, but that's never happened to me XD how about something like 'Lois woke with dried tears on his cheek' or something like that, to suggest he cried himself to sleep/cried the night before?
“This is the time.” he thought.
Memories filled his mind; ofhisfriends, his family, and hisidentity. Now he had to leave all of these behind, and hecross to another dimension, not only to protect himself but his parents too. for me, this is too much info in just the first paragraph... ah, kind of better now [color]

He rose and [color=#FF0000]put on his ragged jimuno, and made his bed before finding, andhis mother, who was preparing all the materials needed for the portal spell. I don't know, but for me the word 'spell' seems a little childish in this context, maybe do some research and find out other names for the word?

“Neah, you need to come with me. I don’t want to leave you here alone. What if they hurt you while I’m gone? What if-” why does he call his mother Neah, and father Jiduo? Is it a Reomi thing? Whatever it is, make it clear.

note: you seem to have a lot of talking heads (no tags) it's all right to have a few, but try to add some more here and there.

“Son, you must go alone, you need to hide. Once the Council of Five discovers that you have left Hecrenesia, and gone to the forbidden dimension...” she wiped her tears on a piece of green cloth and said, “I am sorry that you need to suffer from this.”

Lois hugged his mother, once again, tears soaked his cloud gray eyes.

“It is not your fault,” Lois whispered and looked at his mother’s pale face. He saw her despair in the tears kept on that fell from her deep blue eyes.

“I am concerned about leaving you here where I can't protect you!” He hugged his mother firmly, kissed her cold cheek and walked away from her. walked away seems too, final, try 'stepped back' instead.

“All of these preparations are worthless; they will definitely find and kill me,not just me, but also you and Jiduo too. We can’t control our destiny!” Lois yelled looking at the bright sky outside their window.

“No, we will not lose you! We will do everything for you to stay alive!” Neah said, convincing herselfas she held Lois’ arms and embraced him again.

“What about you and Jiduo? If the Council of Five discovered that you have broken their law, they’ll definitely sentence you to death! And I won't even be here to protect you!”

“Don’t worry, your father and I will take care of everything. Now, prepare yourself.” Neah pleaded.

The time has come for Lois to leave Hecrenesia. He has no power to present to the Academia. They will discover the secret that he and his mother, Neah, are keeping from them. He is no ordinary Reomi: an elemental controller.

It is no ones fault. It is the system of Hecrenesia, which states that no different type Reomi should be involved with each other. His father, Jiduo is a Wind Type Reomi who lives in Egiseous – the floating land expanse in Hecrenesia---and his mother, Neah who lives with Lois in Aquaca---territory of all water type Reomi. Ethibya, Tiropaea and Nororia also make up the rest of Hecrenesia.

Lois is no water type power, nor wind. Neah knows that should the Council of Five will discover it, they would also discover the truth behind herself and Jiduo. If that happens, they will all be scentenced to death....

There

Keep up the writing!

~Tinkem

Thanks for your wonderful review! I told you, I cant express myself in English medium. I am also not a good English writer...

Yes, you have a few grammar problems, but those can easily be fixed

THATS NOT FEW ! hehe... but that will help me if I really wanted to pursue this impossible dream. THANK YOU !!

At least I have an idea...

Whooooops. I critiqued the wrong one. xD

Anyway, now I am on the right one! And yes, it is tons better! Good job editing. Also, you're not that bad at English. One of my friends is much worse than you -- and we grew up in the United States together! So no complaining, lol.

All right, now what you might want to work on now is describing the people as they speak. You have a lot of dialogue here, but what are their facial expressions? How do they move? How do they say these things? Are there any thoughts that come into their heads while they say these things? Little things like that will help add depth to your story and make it really nice and much more approachable as a reader -- always a good thing!

Now, as far as the actual story goes, I have to wonder if he knows what sort of dimension he's going to... does he know or is just a random chance of where he ends up? If it's a random chance, then he'll probably be a lot more apprehensive of leaving, and that would definitely add to the drama factor of it all!

Anyway, keep writing! In one post, you have improved so much -- I can't wait to see what a couple more posts would do.

You've improved very much. c: I don't have much critique to give that the others haven't already given. P: Just a suggestion: I think you can do without the last paragraph and just explain the details contained there in later chapters, for two reasons, one: it gives it more of a mysterious feel, and leaves the readers on a cliffy and wondering why Lois is different and why he needs to leave; two: it's a bit of an infodump and ruins the flow of the paragraphs a bit.

So go go go, and write! I can't wait to see what happens next.

Tears submerged Lois’ eyes when he woke up that morning.
This is the time. He thought.
Memories filled his mind; of friends, family, and identity. Now he had to leave all of these behind, and cross to another dimension, not only to protect himself but his parents too. Oooh, this sounds cool!

He rose and put on his ragged jimuno, and made his bed before finding his mother, who was preparing all the materials needed for the portal spell.

“Neah, you need to come with me. I don’t want to leave you here alone. What if they hurt you while I’m gone? What if-” He started.


“Son, you must go alone, you need to hide. Once the Council of Five discovers that you have left Hecrenesia, and gone to the forbidden dimension...” She wiped her tears on a piece of green cloth and said, “I am sorry that you need to suffer from this.”

Lois hugged his mother; once again, tears soaked his cloud grey eyes. ('gray' is hair color, 'grey' is everything else.
Also great job of fitting in a description of his eyes

“It's not your fault,” Lois whispered and looked at his mother’s pale face. He saw her despair in the tears that fell from her deep blue eyes. Now, you've used that too much. The eyes thing - I mean.

“I'm concerned about leaving you here where I can't protect you!” He hugged his mother firmly, kissed her cold cheek and stepped back from her.

“All of these preparations are worthless; they will definitely find and kill me, not just me, but you and Jiduo too. We can’t control our destiny!” Lois yelled He seems to get angry a little quickly... Hopefully he's just hot-headed (if he is, be sure to display that trait more in the rest of the story too).

“No, we will not lose you! We will do everything for you to stay alive!” Neah said, convincing herself

“What about you and Jiduo? If the Council of Five discovered that you have broken their law, they will (I took out the word 'definitely' here) sentence you to death! And I won't even be here to protect you!”

“Don’t worry, your father and I will take care of everything. Now, prepare yourself.” Neah pleaded.

The time had come for Lois to leave Hecrenesia. He did not have a power to present to the Academia. They could discover the secret that he and his mother, Neah, are keeping from them. He is no ordinary Reomi: an elemental controller. (You might want to add something onto the end here... 'He will leave this dimension to keep himself safe.' Or something like that)

It is no ones fault. It is the system of Hecrenesia, which states that no different type Reomi should be involved with each other. His father, Jiduo is a Wind Type Reomi who lives in Egiseous – the floating land expanse in Hecrenesia---and his mother, Neah who lives with Lois in Aquaca---territory of all water type Reomi. Ethibya, Tiropaea and Nororia make up the rest of Hecrenesia.

Ok, so, interesting start to your story.
But, the end of this doesn't really make sense. You dump a ton of information on us about the world that Lois lives in.
Writing is all about showing, not telling. You should take this out of the prologue and have Lois tell it to some (trusted) person later on in the story so that we know why he must leave. Or, you could have him think about why it is unfair that he had to leave. Or have him wonder about how his family is doing, and then think about how it's unfair that he had to leave...
There are tons of possibilities.
Other than that though you need some more imagery in it.
What does the house look like? What does his mother look like? He should be preserving her face in his memory so that he'll never forget her. So, that gives you an excuse to tell everyone what she looks like.
Great job overall though.
I think you did great for only speaking English as a second language.


Keep writing,
Alzora

okay! I've read and I luuuuv your concept, but I would still like you to expand on this land. The names are original, I LIKE THAT! as for your spoiler, me AND my friend agreed you should think about writing that situation down for a story idea for later. A world forbidden to believe in fantasy and magic, or something along those lines. You had just a few grammar mistakes, but that's alright. Other than that, I would take in what Tinkembell said. It's nailed to a tee.
~ <3 Skittles
P.S Keep writing! And never give up on something you love to do !

I think you have a really good start here! The story is definetly interesting and kept my attention. You also showed a lot of emotion through the dialouge. With only a few lines I was connected with the characters. My only real suggestion is to add more description in here. I think someone else already mentioned about adding in more detail about how the characters are talking and what they are doing as they are talking. Just so that it is easier for the reader to see/ play out in their head. Also, I think you should describe the character's physical appearance. Considering this is only a prologue it's not that big of a deal, but I think you should for sure mention it in the first chapter. You don't have to go into great deal, because let's be honest that can be really boring... but just basic stuff. You could also give a little more information about what exactly is going on because it was a little vague, however that was mostly what I kept my interest. I wanted to keep reading to figure out what was happening. So, I wouldn't add a whole lot, but maybe a few more details here and there.
I saw that you already corrected most of your typos and as I was reading it I thought it was very well-written
I just have two suggestions:

“I am concerned about leaving you here where I can't protect you!” He hugged his mother firmly, kissed her cold cheek and stepped back from her.

At this part it is the mother speaking right? I thought it was the son at first because it said "he hugged his mother" so I figured after he said that he hugged her. I would just reverse it to: She hugged her son

“No, we will not lose you! We will do everything for you to stay alive!” Neah said, convincing herself . (Period)

Overall, I think that this is an excellent start! You have a good story line, and I'd love to see how this plays out

Hello iampaulop,

I'm here to review as promised! Although this is a little off topic I would just like to say that you were very clever to put up the spoiler which told us a bit about yourself. That helped us to understand a bit about you and it was nice to hear a message from the author!

I think you genuinely have a very good beginning that introduces the topic and theme of the story very well. I like the length and vivid yet thorough prologue. It is a very interesting story that invites the reader into the story and makes us all want too read further. Make sure that rest of the story is this descriptive and good to read.

I am going to let everyone else cover the nitpicks and just give you a bit of constructive criticism that can be applied to the whole story and not just a few sentences. I think the paragraphs were very short and could have been expanded and made more complex and just covers more of the topic. Except for that though this was very good and I think you should definitely keep writing.

From CuteJackRussell

Hey! Paul, Sorry to review this late but here it is...

Your start is a bit wrong, I get the crying part but you never wake up and start crying. You maybe crying and then you fell asleep in that state. You could write something like the M.C. had swollen eyes when he woke up 'cause he cried before he fell asleep.

Tears submerged Lois’ eyes when he woke up that morning. This is the time. He thought. Memories filled his mind; of friends, family, and identity(how can memories fill someone's mind with his own identity, you should probably change that word, it doesn't sound right) . Now he had to leave all of these ('this' is the correct word)behind, and cross to another dimension, not only to protect himself but his parents too.

This is the time, he thought.

This is the correct version of the above-grammatically correct.

she wiped her tears on (with)a piece of green cloth

The grammatically correct word here is 'with'.

Neah said, convincing herself.

Never forget the basic punctuation mark while writing.

Other than the basic grammatical mistakes, the piece was really interesting. You just need to work on your grammar and we are here if you need any help. You should concentrate on descriptions too. This was just the prologue and it was very short too, so I can't give you a lot advice on descriptions but I will definitely see to it when you post the next chapter. Hope this helps you...

Keep writing...

-Rooh-

Hey there,

Sorry for the short review

However there is not a lot I can add to this, other than I really like the way this is heading and the emotions you have here are good The start is good and your ending pretty cool, it leaves you wanting to read more

Can't wait to see how the story develops

Okay, I just finished reading, so I have a few things to say.

The first thing; I really liked it. Your idea seems interesting, and I'm a bit curious as to where you will take it. I do have a few things I wanted to mention though. Hopefully you'll find them helpful.

First, I found that I was a bit confused about certain things. You speak about the council of five as if the reader should know who they are. Now, I'm not sure, but are you planning to explain this later, and the mention of them now was to leave the reader curious? Just a thought. I'm also unsure about the law that Lois has apparently broken.

Okay, one final thing:

iampaulop wrote:Tears submerged Lois’ eyes when he woke up that morning. Someone probably already pointed this out, but this sentence is a bit off. Unless he started crying because of a nightmare and this woke him up, of course. Though, it doesn't seem to be the case here. Maybe say something to imply that he fell asleep crying, or he'd been crying during the night and had fallen back asleep. This is the time. He thought. Memories filled his mind; of friends, family, and identity. Now he had to leave all of these behind, and cross to another dimension, not only to protect himself but his parents too.I'm not sure why, but I really liked the last part of this paragraph.

Anyway, it was quite enjoyable, and I hope you continue, because I would really like to read more. You know, for someone who's writing in a second language, this is excellent. Keep up the good work!

Oh, and I hoped this was helpful.