Reomi Prologue

Its temporary guys, I just want to be reviewed. Just constructive criticisms okay?


The time has come when Lois should leave Hecrenesia. He has no power to display at the Academia. When such is the case, they will discover the secret they are keeping by his mother. He is no ordinary Reomi: an elemental controller.

“Neah, you need to come with me. I don’t want to leave you alone here. What if they hurt you? What if...”

“Son, you must go alone, you need to hide. Once the Council of Five discovered that you leave Hecrenesia and went to the forbidden dimension...” Then she smear her tears by a piece of green cloth and said, “I am sorry that you need to suffer from this” Slowly, Lois drew near and embraced his mother.

“It is not your fault,” Lois whispered.

“Neah, I am concerned about you being left here and I am somewhere in other dimension instead of protecting you!” He hugged his mother firmly and kissed her rosy cheek.

“Don’t worry, your father and I will take care of everything. Now, prepare yourself” Neah slowly unfasten the stiff embrace of his desolated son.

It is no ones fault. It is the system of Hecrenesia, which states that no different type Reomi should be involved with each other. His father, Jiduo is a Wind Type Reomi who lives in Egiseous – the floating land expanse in Hecrenesia---and his mother, Neah who lives with Lois in Aquaca---territory of all water type Reomi. Ethibya, Tiropaea and Nororia also make up the whole Hecrenesia.

Lois has no water type power, nor wind. Neah thought that if the Council of Five will discover it, they would also discover the truth behind Neah and Jiduo. When that happened they will all sentenced to die.

The time has come for Lois to leave Hecrenesia. He has no power at the Academia. They will discover the secret that he and his mother, Neah, are keeping from them. He is no ordinary Reomi: an elemental controller.

“Neah, you need to come with me. I don’t want to leave you here alone. What if they hurt you? What if...” (Why does he call his mother by her first name?)

“Son, you must go alone, you need to hide. Once the Council of Five discovers that you left Hecrenesia and went to the forbidden dimension...” She wiped her tears on a piece of green cloth and said, “I am sorry that you need to suffer from this.” Slowly, Lois drew near and embraced his mother.

“It is not your fault,” Lois whispered. “Neah, I am concerned about leaving you here where I can't protect you!” He hugged his mother firmly and kissed her rosy cheek.

“Don’t worry, your father and I will take care of everything. Now, prepare yourself.” Neah slowly untangled the stiff embrace of her desolated son.

--->It is no ones fault. It is the system of Hecrenesia, which states that no different type Reomi should be involved with each other. His father, Jiduo is a Wind Type Reomi who lives in Egiseous – the floating land expanse in Hecrenesia---and his mother, Neah who lives with Lois in Aquaca---territory of all water type Reomi. Ethibya, Tiropaea and Nororia also make up the whole Hecrenesia.

Lois has no water type power, nor wind. Neah thought that if the Council of Five will discover it, they would also discover the truth behind Neah and Jiduo. When that happened they will all sentenced to die.<--- Is this the author's note? You should explain all of this in the story, and not in a note at the end. It gets very confusing if you don't. And I've just realised, is the first paragraph an author's note too?

Lots of grammar and tense (past, present, future) mistakes. The dialogue is also a bit stilted. You should expand more, in-story, about why he has to leave, instead of leaving it in a note at the bottom.

This story has potential, though. c: The premise is interesting, and more people would read it if you fix up your grammar a bit, and perhaps make it a bit longer. It's kind of short, even for a prologue.

Hey paulop!

Okay, so basically the review that silverkey gave you was really, really good and you should follow all the grammar advice she gave you! It's really helpful. To me, it seems like most of your problems comes from using an improper tenses, so you may consider looking up the tenses. For instance, you're using the present perfect tense for your opening paragraph and two closing paragraphs whereas the rest of your work is in past tense. It makes it a little difficult to read, so you're definitely going to want to study up on that!

I would also probably get rid of the first paragraph... I think you can convey the fact that he is leaving adequately enough through the description of them saying goodbye. As far as the last two paragraphs go, I agree with her that it seems more like an author's note than your actual story. As such, I might consider getting rid of them.

You seem to have an interesting world here! Dimensional travel, elemental magic, etc. It's kind of like a cross between science fiction ideas (such as dimensional travel) and fantasy (such as elemental magic) so it'll be interesting to see which road you take there.

Also, poor son! Hopefully, he'll survive the travel... I wouldn't trust going across multi-dimensions! It just seems like a bad thing to do!