Ice Ambassadors: Chapter 1 (Edits!)

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
Spoiler
One of two simultaneously written NaNo novels, from November of 2010. Crazy month, but I got both done. This is the one that turned out semi-decent, but it still has the level of quality you'd expect from writing at a novel at warp speed in a single month. Hopefully I'll be able to edit as I go, and post some more chapters (maybe the whole thing?) on here, but if you come across something that's really awful, that's probably why. XD

Winner of the First Chapter Contest by Lauren2010 in June, 2011!
Edited 8-21-11


“Hide your discomfort. Show no judgment. The best expression for an ambassador is one of pleasant indifference.”
~
Ambria leaned over the wall, watching the paper fragments flutter down to the sea. The watchmen knew better than to disturb her; this wasn’t the first letter she’d disposed of in such a manner after finding that her instructor had fled in the night, off to Felltree, or Tire, or their country estate. They always left such tidy letters. So delicately worded. Due to your unorthodox style of learning, I feel that you may benefit from the instruction of another ambassador, with interests that more greatly coincide with your own. It seemed almost a pity to throw the careful words into the waves.
Almost.
That’s seven in one year, Ambria thought bitterly. The paper disappeared against the water’s foam. Perhaps I should just accept that only one person could’ve helped me complete my training, and he’s gone now.
This time it had been the silverware. It was always the mealtimes that tripped Ambria up. The very places where an ambassador had to be most careful. Places where your choice of fork could save your life or start a war, and Ambria could never remember whether the six-pronged fork was for the melon dish or the leafy salad.
I’ll never get out into the world. Not with my training only half-finished. The salty sea wind made her eyes water, but she was not crying. Ambria could only hope that the silent guards were coming to the same conclusion from their posts on the otherwise deserted North Wall.
Click. Click. Click.
The familiar taps of wood on stone made Ambria scrub at her eyes and take a deep breath. She knew without turning that Eldiana was behind her, leaning on her staff with a sour expression as she stretched out her leg.
“If I keep up this pace,” Ambria murmured, “the Council will never dare to give me an assignment. They’ll probably expect me to shatter peace rather than maintain it.”
“If you’re done here, you should get back inside,” the old woman. Ambria supposed the gruff old woman had never been one for doling out sympathy.
“Just another moment, please,” she said, eyes fixed on the horizon. She frowned. In the short moments since Eldiana had arrived, something had appeared. Something small and rigid, following the waves to shore. “What is that?”
Eldiana approached the wall, hand on a knife at her belt as if a little thing like that could stop whatever Ambria had spotted.
“It can’t be a boat.” Ambria’s frown deepened. No boat ever came from straight north. From the islands to the northeast and northwest, yes, but never from straight north.
“It is,” Eldiana said slowly.
“But it looks like it’s coming right from the Sea Wall.” Ambria leaned further out over the wall, squinting. Eldiana’s staff hit her chest a second later, knocking her back.
“Watch yourself,” the bodyguard said without looking at her. Ambria pressed her lips into a thin line as she smoothed the front of her dress.
The guards were starting to notice the tiny shape, too, muttering among themselves.
“It is a boat.”
“Came right from the north. Right through the rock, like a ghost.”
A chill went down Ambria’s spine, but it had nothing to do with the thought of ghosts. Only one kind of ship was supposedly able to pass through the sprawling semicircle of rock along the coast.
“Pirates?”
Eldiana shook her head. “Boat’s too small. And they’d never dare to attack the capital’s harbor. This is no raid.”
“A request for amnesty, then?” It wasn’t unheard of for desperate men to appear on Wallcoast’s shores looking for mercy, though to Ambria’s knowledge none had found any. The city’s guards had a strict policy concerning the treatment of pirates.
“Perhaps.” Eldiana stepped back from the wall and stretched her bad leg with a grimace, supporting her weight with the staff. “Whatever the case, the guards will handle it. We should leave. Let them do their work.”
Before she even realized she was doing it, Ambria shook her head. “I want to go see.”
Eldiana looked less surprised than Ambria felt.
“As your bodyguard, I have a responsibility to keep you safe,” she lectured. “Letting you run off to talk with pirates of unknown motivation seems like it would be taking that responsibility and using it to rub the mud off my shoes.”
“Who said I wished to speak with them?” Ambria asked. “I only want to see. And wouldn’t it be just as irresponsible to dismiss the threat entirely?” A few of the watchmen listening in chuckled.
The limber old woman raised an eyebrow. “Even if I go investigate, that doesn’t mean your presence is necessary.”
Ambria clasped her hands together. “I just want to see.”
She really wanted to see. She hadn’t met anyone from far-off lands since her father’s death. She missed the strange clothes, the odd foods, the unfamiliar habits and ways of speaking. At least pirates would be something different.
“You’ll stand back,” Eldiana said. “Far back.”
She nodded and hurried toward the carved steps down to the beach, before Eldiana changed her mind.
“Ambria, slow down!” Eldiana cursed under her breath. “This leg of mine…”
Coarse sand crunched beneath Ambria’s feet, tiny shells cracking under her shoes.
She picked her way along the beach, trying to hold down her rebelling hair. A small cluster of soldiers were already present, turning to nod respectfully as she approached, not that she deserved it. Any respect they had for her was because of her father, not anything she’d done.
“Miss Goodhost,” one said in greeting. She responded with a dip of the head, as she’d been taught, before she stared out at the boat. It was closer. Much closer. And definitely not very big. No wonder it had taken so long to spot it, especially with the sky as overcast as it was.
“Pirates?” she asked.
“Seems likely enough,” a soldier answered. “You may want to step back when we bring her in.”
She nodded and retreated a few steps. Eldiana joined her a moment later, glaring, but standing just as tall as any of the uniformed men. Soon the boat was close enough that four of the soldiers waded into the surf and approached the vessel.
It wasn’t a ship meant for long distances. Just a little dinghy, really, riding low in the water under the weight of crates, and heavy blankets of animal skin, and a knobby little man with a poxed face and not much hair on his scalp.
He raised an oar to the soldiers like a nobleman making a toast, and it wavered a bit as he teetered back and forth in his seat. “Now then, gents, be careful with me lovely!” Ambria could only assume that he was speaking of his abused little craft.
“Landed on the fine shores of Wallcoast, then, have I?” The pirate grinned. What few teeth he had were an awful shade of yellow. “Good, good, good!” His bloodshot eyes focused on Ambria and Eldiana. “And this is the welcoming committee? Two lovely women of the highest caliber, along with a fine bunch of strapping young gentlemen, all come to bid me good fortune?” He let loose a great, honking laugh, apparently unaware he was the only one who found any humor in the words.
The men hauled the dinghy up onto the beach, and it settled with a scraping cry of distress. The pirate staggered, nearly losing the oar as his other hand jerked into the air and sloshed the contents of the bottle he held. That struck him as funny, too.
“I’ll need to see--” He paused, a cloud of confusion rolling across his face. “Somebody. Yes. I’ll need to see somebody important, right away. Ya’ see, I’ve got some cargo with me what needs to be seen to. Matter of fact, why not send the women over to see to ‘em? They seem like the right ones for the job!” He laughed again.
Ambria felt her mask of calm crack. Disgusting. I take it back. Pirates aren’t the ‘different’ I was looking for. She might’ve thought they pulled him from an alehouse in the slums, had she not known better.
“Still want to see?” Eldiana asked wearily.
A twinge of irritation fixed the mask back into place. Ambria nodded.
“Lucky for you lot I lost favor with my captain,” the knobby man said grandly, raising his hands high and spilling more of his drink. “Now that I’m looking for some lodgings that are more… landish, I’m willing to part with some valuable information.” He hiccupped. “Information about an unheard of country – that nobody’s heard of! Beyond the Sea Wall, and the sillyswimmers’ stones. Off at the tip of the world!”
Ambria blinked. A new country?
Eldiana shook her head. “He’s a raving drunk. Come, Ambria.”
“Just one more minute,” she said softly.
“The tip of the world!” he said again, eyes closed. Either he was picturing it, or he was on the verge of passing out. “Full of the finest craftsmen you’ve ever seen! The most beautiful cities, built of ice and snow! The most beautiful women!” He doubled over, laughing so hard he couldn’t continue.
There was a clatter as someone else came down the stairs to the beach. Someone in a hurry. Captain Gorrom stalked past Ambria, sword drawn. Before she could even piece together what it was that he was going to do, he dragged the man out of the boat and threw him down onto the sand.
“For crimes of piracy against the nation of Wallcoast, you have been sentenced to death,” the captain said with a face of stone.
“Look away, Ambria,” Eldiana whispered.
She couldn’t have obeyed even if she’d wanted to. It was over too fast. The man’s honking laugh ended too suddenly, cut off by steel severing his vocal cords, along with the rest of his thin, knobby neck. The taste of melon and bile rose up in Ambria’s throat as she turned away. Captain Gorrom used a handkerchief to wipe off his blade, frowning.
“I despise pirates,” he drawled, and many of his men nodded sagely. Fury stirred the contents of Ambria’s stomach as she tried not to think about what she’d just witnessed.
“You-” she stammered, fixing her eyes on the captain’s face so she wouldn’t have to look at the body, or the blood, or… “What have you done?”
“Carried out his sentence,” he said simply.
“In front of her?” Eldiana said, folding her arms.
“You know as well as I do that any pirate who dares set foot on our shores consigns himself to immediate death,” Captain Gorrom replied.
True enough. But that didn’t make it any less awful, nor did it remove the smell of blood from the air. Calm yourself, Ambria. Calm. Hide the discomfort. She forced the mask back into place. Like father always said. You’ll see worse, in a barbaric nation, or during a time of war. Just stay calm. She focused on the smell of the sea, and Eldiana’s perfume of Inuatine spices.
“Take his cargo,” Captain Gorrom said to his soldiers. “Take anything valuable – chances are, he stole it from us in the first place – and clean it well. Burn what’s left. I don’t want any of their parasites making their way into our population.”
“We could’ve at least questioned him,” Ambria muttered, crossing her arms in front of her churning stomach. “About this ‘nation’ he spoke of.”
“You believe him?” The captain laughed. “He probably recognized that ambassador’s mantle of yours and picked the lie he thought would let him live the longest. How many of our men do you think he’s gutted without a second thought?”
Ambria pulled the short indigo cloak closer around herself and pressed her lips into a thin line. “But-”
“Oh.” A soldier’s startled utterance broke into the argument. He clutched the animal skin he’d picked up, staring at what rested in the bottom of the boat. “C-captain Gorrom? You’d best see this.”
Ambria rushed forward to look along with all the others gathered on the beach. Her mouth opened, but no sound came out.
There, sleeping among the furs, lay two perfect children. Not from Wallcoast, and definitely not from the pirates.
Last edited by silentpages on Sun Aug 21, 2011 9:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1360
Reviews 27
My God, this is one of the best novels/stories I have ever read. I'm not exaggerating, either. It's right up there with Harry Potter, for me.

I honestly can't find anything wrong with this. I love every aspect of it. It's got the perfect amount of character development, plot complexity, and introduction.

I am just in LOVE with this story, and I would definitely buy this book, if it got published.
"The core of the human spirit comes from new experiences."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1425
Reviews 8
I have to agree with dancingmangoes. This is a really great work. It's really intriguing, and I can't wait to read the next chapters. I'm already starting to love your characters, especially Ambria, and none of them seem flat -- in just this one chapter, I can already see their depth and complexity. So, keep up the amazing work! c:

Just one little grammar nit-pick:
Just a little dinghy, really, riding low in the water under the weight of crates, and heavy blankets of animal skin, and a knobby little man with a poxed face and not much hair on his scalp.
The stars twinkle,
The waves fall,
The flowers bloom,
And the girl saw it all.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2246
Reviews 50
Interesting story ! I wanted to read the next chapter. Many questions were left in my mind. Like what does the 2 child look like? The new country? Oh ! Im excited for the next chapter. You write like a veteran. I love this one :)

And I commend you with the character development. Their personality shine in this story. The plot is very inteesting !
One of my favorites :)
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities

Paul Zione




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 9692
Reviews 3900
Yay! We love Nano and the opportunities it gives us, right? :D

Anyway, this was fun! General impressions? Ambria is an idiot. I don't really like her at all... she seems really sulky and spoiled. "Oh, woe is me! I don't get to go off to exotic countries and stuff!" Welllllllll. :P

But, she does seem to be a spirited individual, so it should be interesting to see what happens. :)

(Also, Ambria? LISTEN TO YOUR BODYGUARD. Geez.)

I like how the guards are active participants in this novel and reacting to their surroundings. It makes me happy! I always kind of wondered what the point of having guards was if they seem to blank out and just stare at the distance. However, at the same time, I wonder if they would be a little more active with the boat? I am thinking cannons and stuff, especially since boats are a rarity and not generally a good thing... obviously, they wouldn't use it all the time, but wouldn't the guards know how to use it?

Also... I want to find out who these children are. For me, the scene was reminiscent of when Malcolm Reynold's opened up Simon's cargo... whoops, right? ;)

And... um... general nitpick? I want to see more reaction from Ambria about the death... and I want to know where he stabbed him. It's fun stuff, that is!

Now... chapter 2? :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 42011
Reviews 922
Gonna be a bit of a broken record a few times here, but I gots a review for you!

I’ll write her a delicately worded, heart-breakingly sincere apology note. Later.

This made me lulz. Though I did have to wonder, why didn't Eldiana try harder to stop her. Sure, Ambria might be younger and headstrong, but if she was really serious about her job as protector, why isn't she stopping the girl? And if she isn't capable of stopping her, why is she a bodyguard at all? Seems like this is kind of lax here.

I second Snoink: I loved the guards in this. They weren't just set pieces in armor. They interacted with the environment, showed a little bit of collective personality and generally were amusing background action. It was rather refreshing and fun.

Also seconding Snoink: Ambria didn't really react all that much to the death. I mean, it sort of fell in a really weird spot between being really traumatic and being matter-of-fact. And I wasn't sure which it was supposed to be. Has Ambria seen anyone die before? If not, I would imagine that she would react rather strongly. "Awful" seems like a real understatement for it. What are her thoughts on it? Does she understand the sentence? How does she feel about it? You can understand the concept behind something and agree with it, but seeing it take place in front of you can be completely different. But she doesn't react all that much which makes me think that she wasn't all that shocked. But then she describes it as "awful". So how does she really feel about it? Flesh this out a little more. The pirate (and really, we don't actually know if he was really a pirate at all. didn't the guards bother to check at all?) wasn't there for very long, but we was quite the one-scene wonder. I found myself warming to him and his death just blew by so quickly with no fanfare that I was literally having to back up and reread to make sure I'd seen that right. Slow down a little?

This intrigues me. The world set up and the events in motion have me curious to see what happens next. Also, NaNo novels are always *nom*worthy. Looking forward to more!

Feel free to drop me a line for any questions/comments.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2685
Reviews 46
Silentpages...I have to say...I'm jealous!
This piece was friggin amazing. When I saw the outline I was like, "Politics and Pirates? That's too randomly stupid."
Okay. I feel really bad for thinking that.
You're style of writing is great. Very clean, easy to understand...and at the same time, it adds just enough description. You are very talented!
And next, I think you have a good story starting out. It's giving me the 'Pirates of the Caribbean' feel to it without ripping it off. I'd love if you kept me posted!

--Lollipopper
Yeah, that's Hedwig staring at you determinedly.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 370
Reviews 541
Hey Silent! Thanks so much for entering the First Chapter Contest!!

She picked her way along the beach, trying to hold down her rebellious hair. This was revenge for getting it cut, she was sure.

This struck me as a tad odd, particularly the part about getting it cut. Unless I missed something, this is the first mention of a haircut through the entire chapter. So, here it just doesn’t make sense.

Other than that, I don’t have any other nitpicks. The writing was quite good and kept me engaged the whole time I was reading. The only other problems I really have are concerning Ambria and Eldiana.

First, Ambria. She comes off as the typical spoiled young girl of high rank. She seems rather ungrateful of her opportunities which causes her to act in such a way that she can’t keep a teacher for the life of her. Then, she runs around disobeying orders from those who try to protect her. As it is, she comes off as a flat, clichéd character. Of course, I’m hoping this is not the case and she shows herself differently over time. She does seem very spirited, which is fantastic, but I’d like to see her fit her societal role a little better. She’s training to be an ambassador for a reason, and I suspect they don’t just let anyone do so. Basically, I’d just like to see some more depth from her character.

And then Eldiana. I’m a little confused as to why she plays the role that she does. She’s supposed to be Ambria’s protector, yet she seems to have absolutely no authority over Ambria’s decisions. She’s also physically incapable of restraining Ambria, or chasing her down. Which makes me wonder why she’s been given the job of a protector. I would imagine the protector of someone as important as an ambassador would be able to, well, protect them. I do enjoy Eldiana’s character though.

Overall, it’s a good first chapter! I like the ending, it’s a great hook! I’m interested to see where this plot goes with these two little children. Great job! And thanks again for entering the contest!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-
Got YWS?




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Silent, tis me!

I always hate reviewing for someone who's so eloquent, because I feel like everything but. Seriously.

(Concentrate on the story, Tanya!) Right.......

LOL, Silent, this was great! For some odd reason, I thought I was the one who'd reviewed the original piece, not Lauren. And before reading (And during) I couldn't figure out why you'd change it. Then I read the other reviewers' comments and I understood.

I think you did a great job at toning her down. Made her more human. She cried because she's left behind, yet again. She can't figure out what needs to be done. It's great because we can all relate to that. You watch the Royals on tv, and their lifestyles are so different than ours, but they make it look effortless. Ambria's the perfect example that at some point, these perfect people had to learn.

Very nicely done.

I'm on the fence about Eldiana. Part of me really wants to know why her handicap isn't addressed in this chapter, part of me is willing to go with the flow. At first, I thought it was derogatory toward Ambria: she got a lame Bodyguard because she was a lame Ambassador. But that's not right, is it? Because, as she mentioned, she is respected because of who her father was, so she wouldn't end up with Eldiana out of spite. So, maybe, she's like a mother figure to her?

Anywho. I'm really not all that bothered by Eldiana: I trust everything will be explained.

And now I'm really curious and I really want the second chapter to be up. Go, edit!

Tanya




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6915
Reviews 115
Hey there! I picked this off of the Team Watchmen review list. Go Team! :)
I've never really reviewed fantasy before but I'd love to give it a try.

Since this is fantasy, you are obviously creating a whole new world that the reader is not familier with. Because this is the case I think you should take some time to introduce the world and characters. Obviously, not so much that it is boring but just enough that the reader is given context. Just keep in mind that the reader knows next to nothing about this world.

That being said, this was great! I can't really come up with anything in the way of critiques besides my confusion at the beginning. The twist at the end has me pining for more! Happy reviewing!
"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes."
The Little Prince



There has never been a sadness not cured by breakfast food.
— Ron, Parks & Rec