Bone Queen

Spoiler

This is a poem that I don't really like. Give me your opinion but don't crush it, ok? Thanks

Bone Queen

Her frail, white body glides
across the snow cold room.
Pale grey eyes watch you,
waiting for something.

An ash grey dress clings to her,
tattered and frayed.

She extends a thin white hand,
reaching for you,
reaching for your heart.


P.S....

Spoiler

If you like it, press the Like button, please??? *Adorable puppy face*

This poem intrigues me. You say you don't like it, but it's absolutely brilliant! Short and simple, descriptive with a great attention grabber. This reads like it could keep going and I want to read more! It builds up so much and leaves the reader hanging a bit, but isn't that the art of poetry? It doesn't have to make sense, or be completely spelled out. It only needs to be something worth reading and this for sure is! Never stop writing!

Dude. Dude. You did it. You just did it.

You made my day. Descriptive, chilling, haunting, amazing.

Love it okay? Forget about dislike for a second because this is awesome. Capeche?

It's so strange because I rarely see these types. It's so short, yet so descriptive in few words. I love that you wrote this. It grabs my attention, though the title kinda had me saying what, and it spits you out like you're nothing. I want to know more about this person. I want to know more about why you wrote this. I want to know the person who is the "Bone Queen", but I know I never will. You should not even add any more description because otherwise it would ruin that grasp on the reader. This is a great poem and I can't crush it. It's too powerful, way too powerful. It sends chills down my spine rereading it.

Good job. This is possibly one of the best poems I have ever read, including professional poets.

hmm what i think... I L♥VE it

Shrieeeeeeeeeek.
Creepy. I'm looking over my shoulder right now to make sure there's no skeleton lady behind me. I love the descriptive, simpleness of it. Kind of beautiful in a bone chilling way. What got me first was the title, because it's awesome, and then you sucked me right in.
Sar-sar

Whoa! This is really sweet. You do a great job at building up anticipation in a very short, evocative words! I love this! It's short and awesome, and everybody'll love it.

I like this. But I think it's just the beginning. I like it so much that I want to know more. Why does she do what she does, who is she, who does she target, what room is she in? So many questions! And it's good to leave some stuff to the reader's imagination but I think that your description is so vivid that if you wrote more of this, you'd put a really great image in my head, and not just an image, but a story, and that would be awesome.

Hi! Ok, so I clicked on this piece because the title really intruiged me. I had no idea where it was going. And I still don't. I don't know how it relates to the title: ok, so you've got a description of a possibly skelatal (?) woman but you haven't told your reader why she is important, what the purpose of the poem is ect.
I don't dislike this - don't get me wrong, you've written it well and it flows nicely - but I just feel it's something and nothing. An Okay poem stimulates a readers interest yet effects them in no way. A good poem stirrs emotion. A great poem takes your readers into orbit. I'm sad to say that, for me, your poem fell into the first catagory. I was intruiged, yes, but once I'd read it, I felt no spark, no chill down my spine.
Now I suppose I'm just rambling. I'm sorry for being harsh, and believe me, I don't question your ability as a writer, but I think that you just need to take your original concept and re-write this so that you clarify purpose. I'm sorry! I'm going to follow you to make up for it! Keep writing, and, if you need absolutely anything, don't hesitate to PM me or leave a comment on my wall. Thanks, keep writing!
~ Amelia

lalala had to come back still love it i keep going back to it lalala its awesome

Creeeeeepy, I like it. I guess I don't have much to say since everyone who liked it already said it for me. This was very awesome, and I want more!! It's really good as it is, and I don't think you need to add anything, but I just wish it was longer!!

Thanks so much for all the great comments and reviews you guys! It really means a lot to me

-Alzora

I didn't get this at all. Just an image of a skeletal, corpse. What were you aiming for with this poem? This was not clear as I was reading the poem. Also I don't think you should have put that spoiler because that implies to the reviewer or reader that it was just a half-hearted attempt at writing in which case it should not be posted, well in my opinion. I think if you really threw yourself into the poem, then you could relay what you want the reader to feel. This didn't happen as I was reading the poem. I hope you don't find this review negative and you look over your poem. Or not, this is just my opinion. I really think you have something that could be really good here. Good luck and happy writing!!
-Popatemyheartxx












87/

Hrn. Dun listen to pop. -_- (No offense to him.)

I don't think this really needs a deeper meaning. It could have one, it could be expanded upon, but it's just fine the way it is. It's expressive and you show, you don't tell, which is something you'll hear over and over and over again in the writing community, so fantastic job.

I don't actually like ghost stories, but your imagery here is great. Good job.

Why does the ghost have grey eyes, though? *checks spelling* Yeah, you misspelled grey. (Don't worry, I do it all the time. Had to ask my friend how to spell it just last night.) Gray is the hair on your head, grey is the color. For some reason. I don't actually know why, exactly, but that's what she said (no pun intended.) ((I should find out why.))

*is tempted to quote entire thing, but that would be noobish and unfair*

On the whole, this was hauntingly beautiful. I didn't start looking over my shoulder, but I'm not into ghost stories, I don't watch any horror movies, and my senses are kinda dulled from lack of sleep right now, so......

Good job. And I know the feeling of disliking your own work, but you're good. Remember that.

Oh, and just so you know, replying in the comments doesn't notify the people who've reviewed your stuff. Clicking the pretty little pm button on the side or replying on their wall does, though.

Wow, I am absolutely stunned at how many things I love about this and they're all in such a short space! First and foremost, I am a huge huge fan of motifs that allow the reader to take as much as they can manage from a piece. For example, your motif of color (as you use color in every stanza and usually to a very powerful effect) gives me so much room for deeper understanding of the poem. See, in my eyes, the fact that you repeat white and grey paints a picture in my mind of a wintery, almost dream like place. But then, as we abrubtly (and surprisingly eerilly) discover, this person (if she is a person and not something... creepier) and place belong in a nightmare! That is wonderful! I cannot fully describe how much I enjoy that. Beyond that as a whole the rhetoric in this piece is wonderful, and the descriptions manage to be so vivid in such few words. To me, those things show a truly great writer. I really really enjoyed this piece, and I'll be looking forward to reading more of your work.

Hi, here to review for the contest! Well, here we go!

Her frail, white body glides
across the snow cold room.
Pale grey eyes watch you,
waiting for something.Good imagery, but I don't see the bony-ness; if anything, I see more of a mysterious, eery ice princess or something.

An ash grey dress clings to her,
tattered and frayed.<3 <3 <3 GREAT! I don't know why, but I love this short part.

She extends a thin white hand,
reaching for you,
reaching for your heart.Good. It sounds very matter of fact, as opposed to creepy, if you ask me. But maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I did like this poem, but didn't see the creepy-ness that others saw in it. But good job!