Honor's Gauntlet (1.2)

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This is a continuation of chapter one. Rated 12+ for alcohol use. While I appreciate any and all comments, I'm most interested in what you think of the story, the characters, the dialogue, etc. Thank you for reading!

Previously:
Spoiler
Zygrei, the crown prince of the empire, escaped an awkward social situation at a part by escaping into the parlor room, where other young men had gathered to play cards. He joined the game, and before too long the only players left were him and his friend, Rejkiv the Marquis of Eastmarch--stiff competition.


Continued...

The sky outside was beginning to color when Zygrei claimed the last cards from Rejkiv’s hand. He pocketed a few of the coins for the sake of hearing the metal jingle, but signaled his attendants forward to slip the rest into coffers.

“What are you even going to do with it all?” Rejkiv asked him, watching the coins clink into the chests.

Zygrei, watching the marquis, had to consider for a moment. “I don’t know,” he said at last, fighting back a yawn. “Any ideas?”

Rejkiv’s attention flicked over to him. “A few. But they’ll cost you.”

“That’s the point.”

“Not, I meant you’d have to buy the ideas from me.”

“At least that’d solve some of the problem.”

“A dozen crowns for the best of them. A bargain.”

“Six.”

The man shook his head and looked off toward the tapestries on the wall. “Eight. No less.”

Before his attendants could sweep the last of the coins off into the chests, Zygrei pulled a handful over the table toward him, counted, and then shoved him in Rejkiv’s direction.

“That’s only seven.”

“I’ll settle for an eighth less of an idea.”

The marquis tapped his fingers together for a moment and then nodded. After slipping the coins into his pocket, his face took on the serious look Zygrei had long since come to distrust, especially when they had both consumed enough stitch between the two of them to make an adult tiger stagger.

“Seven-eighths…you give all the coins to me.”

The attendants finished stuffing the coins into the coffers and Zygrei waved them off. “That would certainly get rid of them. But what would you do with them if that’s your best idea?”

“Seven-eighths of my best idea,” Rejkiv corrected.

Zygrei looked over his shoulder at the parlor’s huge window. His vision was fuzzy but the horizon line was now undeniably orange.

He stood to his feet and steadied himself on the back of his chair when his head spun. “Find our coats, please,” he said to his attendants as he walked over to where his sister was on the couch. Rejkiv, he noted, trailed right behind.

You can’t avoid the topic forever, Zygrei thought at the marquis, but even drunk as pond scum the man could dodge words, and so he let the idea go.

He focused his attention on his sister instead. She was asleep, her black hair half out of whatever arrangement she had had it done up in and half covering her face. The orange gown pants she had decided to wear—in playful opposition to the currently favored shades of blue and purple—were bunched up and wrinkled around her.

Zygrei shook her shoulder gently. “Anyi, time to go.”

It took a moment, but she shifted on the couch. Her eyes opened slowly. She blinked a few times, her gaze bloodshot and unfocused, and then finally looked at him. Her gaze flicked sideways toward Rejkiv beside him and she laughed.

“My brothers,” she said. Her words slurred together.

He did his best not to laugh, but even the thought of their mother being furious didn’t help. “Ani, it’s nearly dawn.”

“Mmm.” The corners of her mouth turned up in a smile that said she hadn’t heard a word, and she buried her face into the pillow.

Zygrei looked at Rejkiv. The marquis looked back and grinned. For the second time that evening, they understood one another perfectly.

“I suppose we’ll have to leave her for the chamberlain to find,” Zygrei said, mustering all the seriousness and articulation he could.

“Long walk. Pretty, though.”

Zygrei scratched his beard, intently thoughtful. “Is it six or seven miles from here?”

“Six to mine and eight to yours. Not short, as I said.”

“Looks like rain, too.”

“Snow, probably. Sleet all over.”

“A long, cold walk for sure…” Zygrei shook his head. “Shall we—”

“You wouldn’t dare,” Ani muttered. She propped herself up on her elbow long enough to glare at both of them, but her eyelids soon drooped and her elbow slipped off the couch edge.

“Sorry.” Zygrei crouched down and rummaged for her slippers “But it is almost day and if—where’s your other shoe?”

He had one in his hand and the other was nowhere to be seen.

“Lost it.”

He opened his mouth to ask how she could have possibly lost a bright orange slipper, but Rejkiv tapped his shoulder. When the prince looked up at him, he shook his head curtly. The nice brother, she sometimes called him.

Zygrei sighed. “Go ready the carriages,” he told his attendants, putting the one slipper onto Ani’s foot. He shook her alert wondering just how much stitch she had had.

“Come on, Anyi.” He scooped her off the couch and stood up, about to set her on her feet when she wrapped her arms around his neck. He stood still for a moment, rolling his eyes at himself, but decided to carry her anyway. She would have her way, he realized, and better him than the marquis.

Better Rejkiv than anyone else.

The ballroom next door was empty when they entered, except for the servants cleaning the flooring. Attendants dressed in royal and Eastmarch livery met them at the doors.

The leader of them—a man whose name Zygrei could never remember—stepped forward and bowed as his assistants held out coats. “Apologies, Your Majesties, Your Excellence, but Her Majesty’s could not be found.”

Zygrei considered that for a moment and then set his sister on her feet long enough to wrap his coat around her. She had always been small, and he had always been large, and he figured the result served her right. He managed to suppress a smile. Rejkiv, standing a feet away and fixing the fastenings on his own coat, was coughing, most likely to cover a laugh.

The attendants, bless them, kept straight faces as they opened the doors to the morning, but Zygrei wouldn’t begrudge them a good laugh once they were off duty.

He picked up the bundle of cloth with a girl inside and walked down the stone steps. It had been a cold spring so far, and the morning air bit through his silk suit, but before long, they were at the carriages.

Zygrei set his sister down again and helped her inside.

“My friend,” the marquis said, standing there beside the door. “I know what you’ll be doing with your hard-earned coins.”
Zygrei glanced at him with one foot on the carriage step.

“Buying her a new coat and shoe.”

The prince shook his head, stepped inside, and sat down, ready to sleep the entire ride back. But reputation or no, he knew his manners, and he looked back at Rejkiv, entirely unsurprised to see him still standing there with one hand on the door frame.

The marquis nodded his head. “Good nigh—”

“Won’t you ride with us, Eji?” Ani muttered.

Zygrei looked at her quickly. She was still mostly asleep from the look of it, but her eyes were open and she was looking intently at the marquis from where she sat in the carriage corner

Not so drunk after all, he thought, relieved. He looked back at Rejkiv, very much curious as to what he would say.
The marquis shook his head. “I’ll put you out of your way.”

“It’s already past dawn anyway.”

Rejkiv glanced at him

“Ani,” Zygrei said, curious now to what she would say, “his carriage is—”

“It could follow us.”

“She makes a fair point.” He regarded his friend, trying his best not to be amused and not succeeding. Stitch had a way of messing with one’s sensibilities.

But ever the master, the marquis glanced at the sky. “The sleet and snow were no lie. Won’t be responsible for keeping the coatless heir of the empire out of doors for longer than necessary. Good night, Your Majesties.”

“Morning,” Ani said tartly.

Zygrei nodded at his friend and the man, after clicking the coach door shut, walked away. Not long after, the carriage lurched and began to roll. He looked out the window as Lady Devaya’s estate faded from sight.

“Do you care so much for him?” he asked.

“Hm?”

“Did you enjoy the party?” He looked back at her, expecting her to be half-asleep again against the window, but she was upright, hands folded neatly in her lap, watching him with a barely restrained smile.

“It was fun.” She grinned, eyes sparkling in the dim light from the lantern overheard, and then her look soured. “But only because you took me. Kilvran never lets me have any stitch.”

He laughed right out loud, at both the words and the pout with which she had said them. “Our dearest brother wouldn’t know stitch from snowmelt.”

“Oh he does now.”

Zygrei eyed her sharply. “Does this have something to do with—”

“Why he refuses to be the least bit social?”

He shrugged.

“Maybe.”

“Oh?”

“Most of it was his doing. I just…encouraged Lady Vahkasha to challenge him. Not my fault that he lost.”

He grimaced and looked back out the window. “Ah, Ani.”

“My point is, he’s no fun.”

“He loves you probably even—”

“Promise me, Zygrei,” she said, her voice suddenly sharp. “Promise me you and Eji won’t leave me alone like that ever again.”

He grimaced and closed his eyes. He had been back three days and had thought the threat of this conversation past. “I tried to come home.”

“You didn’t try hard enough.”

Zygrei let out a long breath and then met her glare. “The snow in the pass…”

“Doesn’t matter.” She crossed her arms, though his coat hid most of the movement.

“I did everything I could to get back here.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He could think of nothing to say to that. For as long as he could bear, he held her glare, but before too long, he believed her. “I didn’t try hard enough,” he agreed with a sigh.

When her glare did not abate, he returned to looking out the window. Snow had indeed begun to fall, true to the marquis’s word. You would know how to make her laugh and forgive us, he thought at his friend, now miles away in a different part of the city.

The snow flurries strengthened as the road wore on and the wind began to whistle around the carriage. Zygrei rested his head on the glass, letting the cold numb the headache growing behind his temples from the stitch and who knew what else.

Ani abruptly got up off her bench and came to sit down beside him on his. She wrapped her arms tightly around him. “I just missed you so much, Zyggy. Promise me you won’t leave again.”

He returned her embrace. “I bet I missed you more.”

“No.” Her voice was fading with fatigue once more. “Eji missed me more. He told me so.”

Zygrei took that in and then picked his words carefully. “He did? When?”

“Dancing.” She paused for a moment and he listened intently. “You must not have had any good dancers in the east. He asked me five times.”

“Five? You should have shared him.”

“Hm?” Her voice was barely audible now.

He shook his head and decided he would get it out of her in the morning. “Nothing.”

The carriage began to tilt upward with the incline in the road. The shouts of gatekeepers and the gongs pierced the wind, and he wondered how he possibly forgotten the thrill the sound still sent through him.

Five months, he had been gone in Eastmarch with the marquis. First, as a short vacation like so many others before. Then, as an extended vacation because of Lady Mikka. Then the heavy snows had begun. And then—

“Zyggy?”

“Ani?”

“What are you going to do about the kidnappings?”

Zygrei looked down at her quickly. Glasses of stitch had done as intended and driven the matter out of his mind, but the thought that she of all people knew—knew despite the party and all the letters that reassured her he was only visiting marquis—sobered him significantly. “What about it?” he asked, trying to keep his voice unaffected.

“Eji said you only came back because you had something to tell the Council.”

Damn him.

He made himself laugh. “He was only trying to make me look bad. I suppose he told you he brought presents too, and—”

“Already gave me one.” She held out her arm up into the lamp light, and his humongous coat sleeve fell down to reveal a sparkling bracelet of silver and amethyst.

Damn him elevenfold.

“I brought better.”

“Really?” Her voice lost all shreds of fatigue for a moment. She looked up at him with such excitement in her eyes she might as well have been five again.

“Of course, little sister.” He kissed the top of her head. “Now go to sleep.”

She smiled and closed her eyes. Within minutes, she was asleep with against his shoulder.

He grimaced again and looked back out the window. He put his head to the cool glass again and then, glad she was still so easy to distract, drifted off into sleep himself
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.




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Dude.

Your dialogue.

*swoons*

For real, I did a whole lot of gushing in the last bit and it's going to carry on here. For real, I had like next to no idea what these characters were talking about, what situations they were discussing, state positions, really anything beyond their immediate preoccupation, but I was fascinated. I wanted to know more. I wanted to spend more time with these characters and watch them talk and be people here.

I got much more of a sense of the individual characters here. Still a little fuzzy with the names, but much, much better than last chapter. Some of it was that I got to see them actually interacting, playing off each other, showing their differences and identifying themselves. And it was lovely. The dynamics worked so well, the relationships were so wonderfully defined without you dumping about them. So much showing. I just... Gah. *dies*

Seriously, I loved the dialogue (and the little bits of descriptive action that accompanied them) so freakin' much. I could go on for ages.

Story-wise, I don't have much critique. This is obviously winding up to something and I have been hooked already by the characters and even if all they did was sit around playing cards for the rest of the story, I'd probably still read it, so I am content to sit and wait for the story to kick off with conflict. Pretty much, my critique still stands where it did in the last review, in that the beginning is really slow. That it took so long to get to the juicy bits is not good. The juicy bits are indeed juicy, but if I were to open a book and read a page or two of dried up bits, I'm not going to guess that the juicy bits would exist at all. Hook me a little earlier with this fantastic dialogue I keep ranting about.

Very nice. Very, very nice. Gryph want more.

Feel free to drop me a line!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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DUDE. I lost a shoe the other week... sill can't find it. It's pretty awkward. It's a little black flat and I only lost one of them. In any case, just be aware that if you see a little black flat on campus which is sized seven, it's probably mine. So you should pick it up and bring it to me. And yes, I am an idiot. Too bad it isn't bright orange... still! I only lost one shoe! It's pathetic.

Anyway, now that you know this... I think Anyi is a bit of a twit and Zygrei is a bit of a twit too. He's too nice to his younger sister, darn it! Always spoils her ROTTEN. So, I am not quite happy with him. I'm a bit concerned for her, because she doesn't seem to have enough social etiquette either... really, letting one guy dance with her FIVE TIMES without knowing if she has any regard for him? The rumors are going to go crazy. Or, at least they will. Because I will start them.

YES, I WILL GO INTO YOUR STORY AND DISGRACE ANYI.

I have to admit that I love the Russian characteristics of their names... it makes me happy!

Anyway, carry on, please! *munches popcorn*
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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hahahahaa! Two very different reviews there, eh? haha!

Snoink? I want some popcorn too! *sigh*

Rach, I loved this. Ani does seem rather spoiled, and like Snoink, I kept thinking "Five dances? Do you know what that means??" haha, have we all read the same books?

When she said, "My brothers'" I was slightly confused. I guess maybe they are more friends than I originally thought, and she considers Eji a brother? And if Ziggy is that protective of her, how could he not know what she was doing all evening? The Lady was keeping him too busy...?

Well, I'm really enjoying the build-up of this and I can't wait to see what you come up with next.

Keep using that keyboard!

Tanya :D




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*Puffs chest* Here I go!

May I want you in advance that this is most likely to be a complimentary OMG, I LUVU!!! UR SOOO GOOOD!!! passing comment rather than a review? Ah well, at least I'll be able to show you what you're doing right, eh? You're too good, that's the problem. *Eats Rachael's face, then feasts on Ribbit's left leg.*

I have to totally be a sheep here and support what the other guys have said. I love your dialogue! In the first chapter, it was when the dialogue kicked in when I really got hooked to the story. So yeah, you totally have some awesomesauce skills when it comes to dialogue. Even though I am still a bit unsure about whose name belonged to who in the previous chapter (that's more of a Skinsy's an idiot problem than an actual problem), I could tell who was speaking because of the dialogue, you know? The same goes for this chapter. When it comes to the subjects of the dialogue and what the characters were actually on about, admittedly, I was a bit lost. For some reason though, I didn't care and I couldn't stop myself from reading on... Weird. :P

The only pathetic little negative thing I can think of about this is completely personal anyway because I'm, well, I'm rather slow. It does sometimes take me a few reads of a paragraph or sometimes even a lie to really understand what's going on and what you're saying. The only time when this could be a problem though was if you were writing this novel for thirteen year old kids or just dumb people *cough* me *cough* or something, and I highly doubt you are.

The only one technical kind of thing that may be causing some confusion is the length of your sentences and use of commas. (It feels so wrong to talk about grammatical stuff with you. So wrong.) You do have quite a few long sentences, but on the other hand, I know that's your style. At times though, I do think you could maybe cut the odd one a bit short here and there. As for commas, I just find that you sometimes have a big amount of them in one sentence and it can look a bit cluttered now and then. To be honest though, I think that's just a me problem and you know way more than me about commas, so you can probably just ignore me right now... as I fade out... into nothingness...

Like Tanya said, I'm really enjoying this build-up and I'm very interested in seeing what's coming up throughout the rest of the novel. I'm definitely looking forward to the next part, that's for sure! Awesome job, Rach and Ribbit! I know this review was dodgy, but hey, you need to write in a suckish fashion. It's not my fault. >.<

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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I read it because 1.1 was very good.

This, of course, matched 1.1, if not surpassed it. I don't have much else to say, except it seems that you're a bit slow going with their development.

The kidnapping thing at the end had me confused, and I'm guessing that it was a plot peeking through, but I couldn't really tell. Honestly, in order to perpetuate anything beyond the banter and cool dialogue of your characters, there's gonna have to be more emotion. Then again, you're doing so well as it is, so don't really change anything. But, try to remember the forces behind everything the characters are doing and give us more of a taste of that in coming segments.

I loved it! Make sure to show more of what's driving these characters in your next chapter, perhaps with background, or even meaningful dialogue.




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Minor confusion. Rejkiv is not her brother, correct? Because he likes(?) our MC's sister (and our MC isn't thrilled about it). Right? Those are the vibes I'm getting right now, but I'm not sure if Anyi thinks of him like a brother, or he actually IS her brother, which would be, um, gross.

Yeesh, Anyi, keep an eye on your nonessential clothing items, why don't you? ;) Also, I think I have a better sense of her age now.

So Rejkiv is not their brother. Good, because he and li'l sis are kinda cute together, in a 'this is going to irritate the MC' kind of way. Again, love the dynamics between these characters, and the way you bring them across in the dialogue and the MC's narrative. Very good job showing rather than telling. No signs of an infodump. ^^

Kidnappings? Anyi's gonna get kidnapped, isn't she? Of course she is. Maybe... Sorry, I like to predict things whether they really happen or not. My family hates watching movies with me. XD

Me likie your writing. Immensely. Excellent job, I want to read more, I'm intrigued at conflicts to come (kidnapping, friend/sister love drama, the mysterious Lady Mikka, etc. etc. etc.) You're doing a very good job of feeding us the information gradually, letting us sample just enough to whet our appetites without shoving the whole dish down our throats, and I look forward to the rest of the meal. :) *sorry for the extended food metaphor. XD Sleep deprivation... Yeah.*

Basically, good job! Tell Ribbit I approve. I shall return. XD
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




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Hey there! Sorry it's taken me so long to get here. I blame my short attention span. Like seriously, I read it over a week ago, and I've come back to review it like five times, but each time I keep getting sidetracked, whether of my own doing or someone else's. Like, just before I reread this I clicked on your name, went to your profile about to go to your portfolio, but I saw someone had asked a question about your contest, so I clicked on it to make sure that there wasn't something there that would serve me well to know. After that, I half forgot about this and clicked my My Feed out of habit and somehow ended up on a blog and after that... EDIT: It is now a trip to Walmart and three "How I Met Your Mother" episodes later.

As you can see, it's a miracle I get anything done. But enough of my babbling.

First of all, you're still amazing at dialogue, and something that has immensely to do with dialogue: body language. You make it easy to see what people are doing as well as tying in their actions and such with their dialogue, making it come alive. It really adds to the whole affect.

“Seven-eighths…you give all the coins to me.”

The attendants finished stuffing the coins into the coffers and Zygrei waved them off. “That would certainly get rid of them. But what would you do with them if that’s your best idea?”

“Seven-eighths of my best idea,” Rejkiv corrected.


This part seemed unfinished - actually, that's something I've noticed in a lot of your dialogue. You get them talking great, doing things great, but when I think there should be a few more lines, a comeback or something, you just sort of have them move on. Here, I feel like Zygrei should give a retort or something, and maybe Rejkiv responds to that. Or maybe not. Maybe something like "Even so, what's to say about the rest of them?" Okay, bad example, I don't create your characters. But you get my point? The way it ends here, after we understand just how much they do banter, it's a little awkward and stilted and jarring (and yes, I do enjoy using three words to describe it). Also, this could just be me (and probably is) but I keep feeling like Rejkiv should explain what the last eighth of his idea is (and yes, I'm obsessive enough to think there's actually something there).

Anyway, babbling again.

You can’t avoid the topic forever, Zygrei thought at the marquis, but even drunk as pond scum the man could dodge words, and so he let the idea go.


When, above this, you mention Rejkiv following Zygrei to the couch his sister is at, I think nothing of it; after all, they've been together the entire evening about, and obviously they're friends, so is it that noteworthy that he does this? Sure, but we don't really catch that. So when you write his thoughts like that, I was very confused. I thought I'd missed something, but after a few read-throughs I realized you were talking about Rejkiv and Anyi. And even once you realize this, excluding the disbelief gained from delayed understanding, it still seems wrong. After all, have we seen Rejkiv put off the conversation? I don't remember if you did in the last chapter or not, and anyway, if you're going to mention that I think it'd be best if you brought up something like that again. Because I honestly don't remember him avoiding the topic.

“My brothers,” she said.


Am I the only one that, when it's become obvious she likes Rejkiv, she calls him her brother? I mean, that generally doesn't give the impression that you want to date someone. Sure, she's known him for a long time and he's become almost like family in that sense (I'm just assuming this, since these are the vibes I picked up; and if I'm correct, then excellent job portraying their relationships without bluntly pointing them out, and if not, then well, I guess you have some revising to do) but that doesn't mean she's going to go around calling him her brother. And maybe I'm putting too much emphasis on this point (it didn't actually stick out that much when I read it, but then again at this point I was focusing on the whole "love" aspect of this things so yeah) but I thought it worth thinking about.

The nice brother, she sometimes called him.


And here, once again, is the brother thing. Maybe that's what you're going for, but it's sort of confusing me. I'm almost positive they're supposed to be pulling up the love interest card here, but a tiny bit of me, at least initially reading this, wants to say maybe they're related, though with all you've written that seems sort of preposterous. Still... I'm probably way over thinking this.

Zygrei considered that for a moment and then set his sister on her feet long enough to wrap his coat around her. She had always been small, and he had always been large, and he figured the result served her right. He managed to suppress a smile. Rejkiv, standing a feet away and fixing the fastenings on his own coat, was coughing, most likely to cover a laugh.


Something I've noticed you do a lot is trust the reader to understand what you're getting at without coming forth and just telling this - which is a good thing. People that overwrite really need a good swift kick. But sometimes - like here - it feels like there's just not enough to follow. Okay, we understand she must look hilarious after reading it, but for just a split second we have to stop and think and realize that's what they're laughing at. That takes us from the story. And if you're like me and read mostly at night when you're tired already, and then you come across something you just can't put down, well, thinking isn't your strong suit. I'm not saying go through everything and tell us everything that's implied - but for spots like this, just inserting a line, or even half of a line, can make all the difference (something like "He managed to suppress a smile at the sight of her swallowed-up body"). It's still implying a lot, which is good, but it directly links his smile and her ridiculousness-looking. And yeah, once again, probably bad example. But does this make any sense?

Better Rejkiv than anyone else.


This confused me. I thought Zygrei disapproved of anything that might happen between Anyi and Rejkiv. Does he think this because at least the marquis knows her? I'm just a little confused so... yeah.

Okay, this review has gone on long enough (and by this, I mean my rambling is on a new level, probably). Basically, excellent chapter, enthralling, a few confusing parts but for the most part enchanting. If any of this didn't make sense (which it probably won't have, considering I'm rambling and babbling and all that lovely stuff) then drop me a line (or wall post) and we can chat this right up, m'kay?

loveness, ultraviolet <3
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

~asofterworld.com




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I would save the hardest for last... And it's currently 12:35 a.m. I apologize in advance if this is all meaningless gibberish/garrulous praise.

“Seven-eighths…you give all the coins to me.”


-Sounds like half an idea to me. *snide comment*

“My brothers,” she said.


-This leads to confusion later...

He did his best not to laugh, but even the thought of their mother being furious didn’t help.


-That's an odd counter-thought for a grown man. He's twenty-something, right?

He shook her alert wondering just how much stitch she had had.


-Two separate sentences would be better, perhaps? (But it's just fine the way it is.)

She would have her way, he realized, and better him than the marquis. Better Rejkiv than anyone else.


-Is it just me, or do those sentences completely contradict each other? I get the feeling that the italicized part is trying to suggest something, but I'm just not getting it.

Rejkiv glanced at him


-Missed a period. Thought you might want to know.

“Morning,” Ani said tartly.


-Even though she may not be that drunk, she doesn't seem sober enough to be tart about anything.

“Our dearest brother wouldn’t know stitch from snowmelt.”


-Another brother. Brother.

“Oh he does now.”


-Comma after "Oh"?

For as long as he could bear, he held her glare, but before too long, he believed her.


-That felt odd. Like you took a verse from a nursery rhyme and stuck it there.

Her voice lost all shreds of fatigue for a moment.


-Perhaps my sleep deprived brain is too slow to follow all these changes, but she's starting to come off as bipolar. She went from sleepy/drunk to alert to sleepy to excited. (Just something to think about.)

Within minutes, she was asleep with against his shoulder.


-To sleepy. Which reminds me...

He put his head to the cool glass again and then, glad she was still so easy to distract, drifted off into sleep himself


-(another period) I would suggest something like "He put his head to the cool glass, glad she was still so easy to distract, and drifted off into sleep himself." Or just take out a couple of words.

Now to what you actually wanted. I'm getting some seriously mixed signals about Zygrei. One second, he seems somewhat fun and youthful, and the next he strikes me as some sort of unpleasant royal type.

Same for Ani, but not personality wise - it's the bipolar thing I mentioned earlier.

A good constant, however, seems to be Eji. As far as I can tell, he's a trustworthy, amiable guy. If you're friends. If not...

Again, your dialogue was great.

I got a bit confused with names and such, as well as the whole brother thing. But it's now 1:04 a.m. I wouldn't put much stock in my views right now...

Overall, this was very good. Great job. :)




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Aaah. So I was halfway through this, then my computer crashed. I always feel the second attempted review is never as good as the first. Still.

I. NITPICKS (again, sorry, must be done!)

Zygrei thought at the marquis, but even drunk as pond scum the man could dodge words, and so he let the idea go.


How does pond scum get drunk? It had me wondering.

“Anyi, time to go.”


Okay, half the time he seems to call her Ani, the other half, Anyi. I know some of the roots of your world/names are Russian and they're the divils for changing names but... it's a little disconcerting.
But ever the master, the marquis glanced at the sky.


Ever the master of what?

He put his head to the cool glass again and then, glad she was still so easy to distract, drifted off into sleep himself


... there's a missing full stop at the end. :P

II. OVERALL

Like others before me, I like your dialogue a lot, it flows well, it's full of those little quips that make a story. However, I'm wary about this as a first chapter. It introduces Zygrei, Ani/Anyi and Rejkiv very well, but next chapter you abandon all but one of them for a little girl. This isn't a bad thing! But there's so little plot in this, as it appears to me. We understand that Zygrei has been away and that there have been kidnappings but before that there's just an awful lot of banter and card-play. Which is enjoyable to read, but I'm not sure how much of an insight it gives into your story.

Also, with respect to continuity, Ani/Anyi is up at breakfast the next morning to go to the shoemaker's. She seems rather well. Considering a) the late night and b) the amount of stitch she's drunk, I'd assume she'd be in a worse condition. I don't know. Just something to think about.

Also- just in regards to the fact she lost one shoe... the first phrase I ever learnt in German was "Where is my other shoe?" because I always managed to lose just one. This is an extremely relatable situation...

Mostly though, wonderful.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything (and maybe if you post more? Please?)!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind