Perfect Waters

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There's an old house that sits on top of the hill on Old Springs Street. It's abandoned, although the mailbox still sits at the end of the driveway with the letters B T O N and part of an S still painted on it. It used to say BURTONS, the last name of the old man and his wife that used to lived there. In my school, there had been a rumor going around that the house was haunted. I had known that wasn't true. There were no such things as ghosts. When I confronted some of my friends about their lies to the younger kids to make them scared, I got pulled into a dare to spend a night in the house. I never regretted my night there. Not once.

When I entered the house, an old pillowcase filled with necessities slung over my shoulder, I was instantly aware of three things. It was dark, the house was essentially empty, and it stank. I mean that it stank really, really bad. I almost ran out the door and forfeited the dare. There was no way I could stay in there one more minute, never mind a whole night. I realized I had to, though, for the sake of my reputation. If I was too chicken to do this, I would never hear the end of it. So, I grappled in the darkness for my matches (thoughtfully added to the bag of necessities) and lit one. With the light, I was able to see most of the room I was in. It appeared to be a living room. There was a fireplace at one end of the room, and a single, antique chair at the other end. I thought that there was no need in exploring the house and chancing crashing through the rotting floorboards, which would probably end up with me having a broken neck. I settled myself down on the floor nearest the doorway I had come in. I leaned back on the floor, saved from dirt and debris by the blanket I had brought for the night. I held up another match and took a better look at the room, this time making many observations. I saw a lot of things about the house I did not like. There was no way I could see that it would be possible for me to go anywhere but down the small path I had already crossed from the door to this room without some chance of injury.

My gaze shifted to the walls and I saw something that would change some of my perspectives forever. Hung on the wall opposite me was a painting. The colors were vivid; the scene was magnificent. It was a painting of a river, in the middle of what seemed to be the most beautiful forest I had ever seen. I got up and leaned my torso toward the other end of the room, craning my neck to see it better. I couldn't get my fill of the painting from where I was standing. I tried to convince myself that it was just a painting, that it wasn't of any great importance at all. But, curious child that I was, I couldn't resist getting up and making my way slowly and carefully towards the painting, checking the footing beneath me each time I took a step. It took longer than any real adventurer would have taken, but I got there all the same.

When I got all the way across and looked at the painting, I noticed something very odd about it. There was no dust covering it, no sign of decay or fading, or anything really to suggest that it had been in the house when the Burtons were alive.

“Nice paintin' ain't it, kid?” A voice said suddenly from behind me. I twisted around, my senses instantly kicking into “fight-or-flight” mode. The source of the question was an old man, a bum by the looks of him.

Now, don't get me wrong, my parents raised me right, I had heard the warning, 'Don't talk to strangers' time and time again, bu the unexpectedness of this situation drove that clear out of my mind. It took a second for me to find my voice, but when I did I asked him,

“Who are you?” My voice was surprised, higher pitched than I would have liked, but I was proud of myself upon noticing that the words came out without quaking or a single stutter.

“Mph. My name's an irrelevant piece of my existence. All people ever care about from me are my stories. I'm a storyteller, see. That's what I do. But if you want, you can call me Bill.” He walked across the room as he said this, without any visible concerns about the stat of the house or the floor and just sat down in the lone chair.

“Like I said,” Bill continued, “I'm a storyteller. And I just happen to know the story of that very painting.” He looked at me expectantly. I stared dumbly back at him.

“Well?” He asked. “Do you wanna hear it or not?” I couldn't see anything threatening about him. Besides, if I had left then, I would have lost the dare. So I sat down on the floor, making sure it was safe first. Then I said to him,
“Alright.” And he began the tale of the river.

“If this were about one hundred years ago, this house'd be in the middle of a huge forest. Now, this part of the forest, where Ol' Springs Street is now, was untouched by humans. In fact, there were no predators at all in these parts. They say the bears and the wolves favored the animals that bordered the forest rather than the ones deep inside the heart of it; I think it was somethin' else. You see, there was just somethin' about the heart of this particular forest. Somethin' special. The trees grew tall, the briars were weak-rooted, and the animal life was well provided for. The grass was green as all get-out and the rain never came carryin' a storm. Now, the reason I think the heart of the forest was so special was the river in that paintin' right up there. You see, the artist who painted that didn't even come close to doin' that river justice. It's waters sparkled and shined like nothin' you ever seen before. The water was clear, cool, and pure. The wildlife got its very life source from that river.

That is, until the humans started goin' and doin' things to learn more about this world. It was inevitable that they would find their way to the forest, and they never gave an inch till they had the whole thing explored. Which means that they eventually came to this place of peace.

Most of the men were explorers, men who only cared about discovery, wanting to tear apart everything to discover how it worked and it was made of. But among these men was a young woman, one of the explorer's daughter. Her name remains a mystery to all but a few, but what she did when they reached the river was known by all who came to the town they ended up foundin'. She painted that picture hangin' there on the wall. She had already been known for her artistic abilities, but that painting was her masterpiece, even if she never came close to matchin' her inspiration's true appearance. But it was a good thing she captured the image of that river. Cause when those men brought others, and they started to build a town around the river, things changed.

See, the men thought that the river would always supply water to them and their descendants. But as time went on, they realized that rains were nonexistent. Over time, the river dried up. But during that same time, wells were dug and other means of getting water were created. The river ended up gone, and eventually forgotten. Except when people saw that paintin'. When they saw that, the townsfolk remembered a story that their fathers had told them, one about a beautiful, cool, clear river that was the cause for settlin' this town. They also remembered the stories that were told about the big storm that the town had soon after the riverbed had flattened out.

The river's gone and can never come back. Life thrives nonetheless. Not the life that had been here before, but it's life all the same. I can't help but feel that some things should be left untouched. Now, just about every inch of this world has been mapped, explored or lived in by some human or one of their contraptions. But who knows? Maybe there is somewhere out there that man has yet to discover.” He got up from the chair and stretched his arms out wide. “Thanks for lending me your ear, kid,” he said and walked out of the house.

My thoughts reeling from the story I had just heard, I walked back to the blanket I had laid on the floor, never really caring or paying attention about where I stepped. As I laid down, I was still amazed by the fact that once my hometown had been very possibly the closest thing to a Garden of Eden since the original. I fell asleep that night, my dreams filled with images of my imagination's take on the lost river and the forest surrounding it.

When I left the next morning, I took the painting with me. Before I made it back to my house, I was approached by my friends who had dared me to spend the night in the Burton house. They asked me if I had seen any ghosts.
“No,” I stated. “No ghosts.”

The painting now hangs on my bedroom wall, right above my bed. I look at it every night before I close my eyes. Maybe Bill was right. Maybe there was someplace like the heart of the forest, with something pure like that river in it. Part of me still wants to be the one to find it. But a bigger part of me wants to leave it alone, if it does exist. Besides, I keep smiling to myself, I can always visit that place, and the river in my dreams and imagination. Those two things have never let me down. Not yet at least, and I very highly doubt that they ever will.




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Hullo! I see you're new to the YWS, so here's a big welcome aboard. If you ever need anything, please let me know. :]

First off, let me just say that I'm not going to do any nit-picky "change the wording here" kind of stuff in this review. I figure you can find typos and such (of which there were a few) by yourself, and I haven't really got the time to do it for you just now. but if you want me to come back and point out the technical errors, just PM me or post on my wall and I'll be back in a jiffy.

That said, I really like this piece! It was an intriguing read, and it certainly kept me interested all the way through. Your beginning caught my attention, I have to say. It was very strong. I also loved the ending. The conclusion was sweet, but realistic. It felt like the kind of change that could actually come over a person--it wasn't too sudden or drastic, but it was still profound. Nicely done. I also think you did a good job with telling the old man's story. His voice was believable and his story was interesting and realistic. I'm really intrigued by that old man, actually, but I'll get to that a little later on. ;}

First, let me talk about the things that I think could use improving. Like I said, both your beginning and your conclusion were very strong--in my opinion, it's the middle that could use the most work. But I think it sagged a little in between. The description of the house in the first paragraph was good, but I found all the detailed imagery in the second a little bit tiresome. It started to feel a wee tad like an info-dump: a sort of list of information that you wanted to get across to the reader, so you gave it to them in one big chunk. I think if you broke this up a bit, you'd be a lot better off--chop it into bite-sized paragraphs, and add a bit more action in between the descriptions. I don't mean action like chase scenes and near-death experiences (unless you want that, of course!)--I mean little actions here and there, like your character walking into another room, or putting his hand through a cobweb. You do a bit of this, but I think you could use some more to make the descriptive passage less intimidating.

I also found all the foreshadowing that you did in the beginning a little off-putting. There was a lot of "this would change my life" kind of stuff. A little of that is fine, but you had a lot in those first three paragraphs and it got tiresome. I know you were trying to build suspense by giving little hints about how this affected him, but I think you over-did it a bit. Getting rid of some of that and cutting to the chase quicker would, I think, be a good idea.

The old man's dialogue is good, and he tells a nice story, but I have to say that as interested as I was I found my mind wandering a little while reading. It may help that I'm sleep-deprived, or that I was distracted, or whatever, but I think you could also use to make it a little more captivating. It's like what I said about the second paragraph: if you mix things up a bit, it will help keep your reader's interest. So here, I think you could really make the dialogue come alive if you added in some descriptions of what the old man is doing while he is talking. Does he gesture with his hands? Does he move his mouth a lot? Does he make facial expressions? Does he show emotion? These types of things would help make it feel like I was really there with him, rather than just reading about him.

Okay, now for the old man himself: I got the sense, when reading this, that it's possible he isn't real. He could be a ghost or an imagination. Of course, he could be perfectly flesh-and-blood, too... but I somehow like to think he's not. In any case, I really loved that sense of mystery and I think you could use to play it up a bit more. Maybe make your main character wonder if the man was real? Maybe, when he says "no ghosts," make him pause a moment? Or maybe not. It's just a thought. ^_^

Overall, really nice work. This was an interesting read--you have a lot of talent. Please PM me or write on my wall if you want to talk about anything I've brought up. I love hearing what people think of my reviews, even if they don't agree with anything I've said.

I hope this helps!


a




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Hmm! This may just be me, but I found this pretty confusing and a bit strange.

When I heard that the house smelled bad, I thought at first that this must be because something died in it. What can I say? Death smells sooo bad! However, then you talked about Bill, the old man and he seemed pretty alive? So I'm not sure what's going on there, lol.

Why does he believe Bill, by the way? I mean, what validity does the story have and why should he trust Bill?

Why doesn't the main character consider not going into the house, saying that while it's not haunted, it has a bunch of gross things in it, plus it's dilapidated? I would consider that grounds of not going into a house! I mean, if the house is rotted through, that's a total safety hazard.

Also, so the main character goes inside of the house, finds this old guy who tells him this story, steals the picture, and leaves? I don't know... that seems a little bit weird to me. Why wouldn't he be even slightly unnerved that there is an old guy in the house who finds him after he's sneaked in? I don't know... it just seems weird to me that the main character is never unfazed.

Anyway, definitely weird and definitely horror! Not sure what I think about it... the guy being unfazed though makes it ten times creepier than usual though.
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Hi, Cannoncomplex here

Okay, the story you presented started off with a bit of the haunted house dare theme were the boy want to prove that there was nothing wrong except that it stank. Afterwhich, you introduced a second character who tells the boy about the "Garden".

I will start off with characters:

the boy started off a someone who is in himself. Okay, he doesn't believe in ghost in the BURTONS and he will prove it. This follows through to the point where he meets the guy. At this part, the 1st personality began to shed and he is somewhat in awe at the story told by the guy.

As for the guy, there is a senseof vagueness in him especcially when he introduce his own existence which is a clue that he either the ghost or just some weirdo. there was definetley some suspiscion to the guy that he wanted to be call Bill and that he came to the boy just for a story. Was it his intent or was there some purpose behind it?

As for the story been told, i skin read it a bit since the plot itself is a destruction of a forest and how a woman manage to portray it. Okay, there is the concept of a story within a story but I ask: what for? The story began with the intent of a ghost story but ended up with an environmental feel to it? There was a reference to the ghost near the end but it wasn't much. It would have been better if the boy would have look for the guy or what his actually identity is?

In summary: the story seem to start off as something but soon leads to another, thus tehre is a sens eof confusion on what the story is bringing? What is the theme behind this?
Lain Iwakura: If you're not remembered, then you never existed.




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Haunted houses and dares are a little overdone, but you managed to make it interesting. I agree that you sounded a little like you moved from ghost stories to environmental awareness. What was the point you were trying to make? Were you trying to say that human's shouldn't go prowling around?

I would have liked to hear more about the town at the begining so the audience could make a distinction between the paradise Bill told about and the normal city the humans made it to be. Also, how could Bill know all that stuff that happened a hundred years ago? Was he himself the ghost? That's kind of what I got from it, but if that's the impression you wanted then I think you need a few more hints to make readers get that Bill was a ghost.

You mentioned the Garden of Eden which would have been cool if you implemented it in more. You could make it interesting and even add a forbidden tree, and have a whole symbolic mystery all correlating with the Garden of Eden as your fallback. Just an idea.

Overall I liked it, but wanted just a tad more info in some places.



I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec