Dusk: Chapter 2

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Chapter 2 - Blood Red Canvas

I pressed my back to the cold steel of the door and  took a couple of deep breaths. Trying ever so hard  to steady my  now frantic heartbeat. After a couple of seconds (when was convinced that I could move around without hyperventilating) I slowly got to my feet, picked up my flashlight, tossed my bag over my shoulder, and took a good long look around. The light from my flashlight cut through the darkness revealing to me the contents of the small backroom.

The right side of the room was a complete mess. Paintbrushes and tubes of paint lay scattered across the small metal shelves. Blank canvases were leaned sideways against the concrete wall while wooden easels teetered dangerously on broken legs, threatening to fall at any second. It was a neat freaks worst nightmare come to life. Thank god I wasn’t one of those people.

The right side of the room was the one that caught my attention. It was much more clean and organized than the left. There were no paintbrushes or easels or lose tubes of paint. But in there place sat at least a dozen square. They were different shapes and sizes but were each covered by a white sheet of fabric.

“God I hope these are what I think they are,” I thought to myself, as I walked up to the closest square and pulled back the sheet.

Indeed it was. Under the white fabric, inside a large black frame was one of the abstract paintings the Studio was set to show this week. Jackpot. The painting was not the one I was looking for but it was a good start and let me know I was in the right place.

So with that I began the super long process of searching each of the covered paintings. After uncovering about half a dozen I was no closer to the  finishing, than I was five minutes ago.

I was just about to give up when something in the corner caught my eye. It was partially covered by a thicker white cloth then the other paintings. But someone must have not noticed that one side had fallen off and was now in view. Silently I walked towards the painting, all the while silently praying that this would be the painting I was looking for.

With one hand on my flashlight, I grabbed the edge of the sheet and pulled. The white cloth fell silently to the concrete floor and I couldn’t help but grin, as my light fell on the canvas.

I had found it. The painting I was looking for, the “Red Phoenix”.  Now it was time to get to work. But it was only when I got closer to look at the piece I was about the switch, that I realized how abstract it really was. Now I’m not that much of an art buff but this painting had me down right puzzled.

Bright color brushstrokes trailed downward towards the bottom of the canvas creating two long wing-like archs of red and orange. A small circle (which I would assume was the head) sat on top of a long line that trailed down past the end of the “wings” and stopped about 5 inches before the bottom of the canvas. where it split into five lines that shot downward in all different directions.

I saw a bird, that could have been a phoenix but right now I wasn’t so sure.

“Honestly I thought that it would be better than this,” I couldn’t help but think. But then, that’s when my eyes locked on the paintings background.

Unlike the blindingly bright colors of the image on the front of the painting, the background was cooler and darker. The dark gray and blue-ish sky gave the flying “phoenix” more depth and in the distance I could see purple and dark blue colors of what looked like a streak of lightning descending from the heavens. But the thing that caught my attention most of all, was a small line of text. They were so small that you couldn’t read them and yet, these words gave me a bizarre feeling.

An eerie feeling that fluttered around in the pit of my stomach.

But, with the shake of head, I tuned it out and got to work. After quickly and quietly pulling the back off the frame, I sat the canvas on top of three paintings stacked near the wall. I reached into my bag and pulled out the blank poster paper that I had bought from Staples on the way here. Unrolling the paper, I took one more glance at the painting. Marveling at it one more time. When I felt a sharp pain move across my thumb.

Paper cut.

“Shit” I thought to myself, dropping the poster and sticking my bleeding thumb into my mouth.

Sucking my thumb, (don’t even think about making a joke about that) I crouched down to pick up the poster and was about an inch or so from the floor, when I noticed it. Sticking out from underneath the white piece of paper was a rag. It was old and wore but one thing stuck out in particular.

A dark red substance, that dotted the entire surface of the cloth.

My heart skipped another beat as I bent down further and plucked it from off the floor, pushing the poster aside.

“It's gotta be paint,” I said to myself, turning over the cloth and examined the splotches of red on the fabric. “Someone probably was wiping the paint off their fingers and dropped the cloth on the floor by accident. That's all it is. Unless.....

My eyes slowly worked it's way down to my hand. Where the a red liquid, of the same color as the one on the cloth, was trickling down the side of my thumb.

Blood.

I gave a slight shriek, and dropped the cloth onto the ground, where it landed without so much as a whisper. I really needed to get my outbursts under control.

I slowly began to back away from the cloth when the light from the moon, trickled through the windows and illuminated the concrete floor. And there, leading away from the cloth was a trail of red droplets.

Blood droplets.

My heart kick-started into machine gun mode and was (once again) furiously hammering away at my chest.

“It's probably some animal that got in,” I told myself, my voice shaky and unsure “I'm pretty sure that that is what it is.”

But in my mind I knew that the odds of that were pretty much non-existent.

Any animal that jump about a story into the air, could squeeze through a tiny opening in the window, and not make a sound had to be the smartest and most skilled animal on this planet. And sadly not many of those lived in Downtown Los Angeles.

I was trying to sort out what could have done this when a low sound echoed through the still air of the backroom.

I froze, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.

It's the wind. It's just the wind!!! I practically screamed in my head.

But in that same second, I heard it again.

A sound that shook me to the core. Not the wind, but a low throaty groan, that was soon followed by a loud clang as something metallic struck the concrete floor.

I jumped, and watched as a small can of paint roll out from underneath a nearby shelf and came to rest at the the tip of my foot.

“Don't do it!!” the voice in my head said. “Finish the job and get out of here".

But even as my inner self practically screamed at me to get out of this room, my body did the opposite. My feet, seeming to move with a mind of their own, followed the crimson droplets that glistened in the dim light.

The trail took me to the far side of the room, where canvases, paints, and other types of art supplies lay scattered clumsily across the floor. This portion of the room was close to pitch black and it was only the clouds pulled away from the moon, and it's light shined brighting through the skyline did he appear to me.

He was sitting on the concrete floor, his back propped up against a fabric canvas. He had to be no more than seventeen years old, but the moonlight streaming in through the skylight hardened them making him appear much older.

His hands lay at his sides and his head tilted back, giving his long hair a silvery glow. Shadows were cast onto the lids of his closed eyes giving him the appearance of a statue, just cut from a slab of marble. It would have been a beautiful picture for a photographer to take except for something that made my breath catch in my throat.

Smeared across the once white canvas was a streak of red. Not paint but blood.

The same blood that had stained the tattered rag I had picked up.

The same blood that had formed the red droplets on the concrete at my feet.

The same blood that was now dripping from the chest of the moonlit boy.




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Well I haven't read chapter one so this is based only on the impression I get from reading the chapter. As I say to all my reviewees - feel free to ignore anything I write. After all, most of it will only be my personal opinion. XD

koinu160 wrote:Chapter 2 - Blood Red Canvas First off - good job in naming the chapter! I actually decided to review based on the name!

I pressed my back to the cold steel of the door and took a couple of deep breaths. Trying ever so hard to steady my now frantic heartbeat. After a couple of seconds (when was convinced that I could move around without hyperventilating) I would remove these and maybe make it a subordinate clause as brackets can look off putting.I slowly got to my feet, picked up my flashlight, tossed my bag over my shoulder, and took a good long look around. The light from my flashlight sounds repetetive cut through the darkness revealing to me the contents of the small backroom.

The right side of the room was a complete mess. Paintbrushes and tubes of paint lay scattered across the small metal shelves. Blank canvases were leaned sideways against the concrete wall while wooden easels teetered dangerously on broken legs, threatening to fall at any second. It was a neat freaks worst nightmare come to life.Lovd this! Is there a technical term that you could use instead that people would understand? Thank god I wasn’t one of those people.

The right leftside of the room was the one that caught my attention. It was much more clean and organized than the leftLittle switch-a-roo there!. There were no paintbrushes or easels or loose tubes of paint. But in there place sat at least a dozen squares. They were different shapes and sizes but were each covered by a white sheet of fabric.

God I hope these are what I think they are, I thought to myself, as I walked up to the closest square and pulled back the sheet.Thoughts don't need speech marks, unless they are thought out - loud.

Indeed it wasthey were (plural). Under the white fabric, inside a large black frame was one of the abstract paintings the Studio was set to show this week. Jackpot. The painting was not the one I was looking for but it was a good start and let me know I was in the right place.

So with that I began the super long process of searching each of the covered paintings. After uncovering about half a dozen I was no closer to the finishing, than I was five minutes ago. Five minutes seems a short time to be so melodramatic about. Maybe you could change this simply to ' I was no closer to finishing than I was before.

I was just about to give up when something in the corner caught my eye. It was partially covered by a thicker white cloth then the other paintings. But someone must have not noticed that one side had fallen off and was now in view. Silently I walked towards the painting, all the while silently praying that this would be the painting I was looking for. Watch the repetition!

With one hand on my flashlight, I grabbed the edge of the sheet and pulled. The white cloth fell silently to the concrete floor and I couldn’t help but grin, as my light fell on the canvas.

I had found it. The painting I was looking for, the “Red Phoenix”. Now it was time to get to work. But it was only when I got closer to look at the piece I was about the switch, that I realized how abstract it really was. Now I’m not that much of an art buff but this painting had me down right puzzled.

Bright color brushstrokes trailed downward towards the bottom of the canvas creating two long wing-like archs of red and orange. A small circle (which I would assume was the head) sat on top of a long line that trailed down past the end of the “wings” and stopped about 5 inches before the bottom of the canvas. where it split into five lines that shot downward in all different directions.

I saw a bird, that could have been a phoenix but right now I wasn’t so sure.

Honestly I thought that it would be better than this, I couldn’t help but think. But then, that’s when my eyes locked on the paintings background.

Unlike the blindingly bright colors of the image on the front of the painting, the background was cooler and darker. The dark gray and blue-ish sky gave the flying “phoenix” more depth and in the distance I could see purple and dark blue colors of what looked like a streak of lightning descending from the heavens. But the thing that caught my attention most of all, was a small line of text. They were so small that you couldn’t read them and yet, these words gave me a bizarre feeling.

An eerie feeling that fluttered around in the pit of my stomach.

But, with the shake of head, I tuned it out and got to work. After quickly and quietly pulling the back off the frame, I sat the canvas on top of three paintings stacked near the wall. I reached into my bag and pulled out the blank poster paper that I had bought from Staples on the way here. Unrolling the paper, I took one more glance at the painting. Marveling at it one more time. When I felt a sharp pain move across my thumb.

Paper cut.

Shit I thought to myself, dropping the poster and sticking my bleeding thumb into my mouth.

Sucking my thumb, (don’t even think about making a joke about that) this is a nice thought, but doesn't seem to fit well. Try re-wording it if you can.I crouched down to pick up the poster and was about an inch or so from the floor, when I noticed it. Sticking out from underneath the white piece of paper was a rag. It was old and wore but one thing stuck out in particular.

A dark red substance, that dotted the entire surface of the cloth.

My heart skipped another beat as I bent down further and plucked it from off the floor, pushing the poster aside.

“It's gotta be paint,” I said to myself, turning over the cloth and examined the splotches of red on the fabric. “Someone probably was wiping the paint off their fingers and dropped the cloth on the floor by accident. That's all it is. Unless.....

My eyes slowly worked it's way down to my hand. Where the a red liquid, of the same color as the one on the cloth, was trickling down the side of my thumb.

Blood.

I gave a slight shriek, and dropped the cloth onto the ground, where it landed without so much as a whisper. I really needed to get my outbursts under control.

I slowly began to back away from the cloth when the light from the moon, trickled through the windows and illuminated the concrete floor. And there, leading away from the cloth was a trail of red droplets.

Blood droplets. Repetiton seeing as you've just used the word 'blood' on it's own.

My heart kick-started into machine gun mode and was (once again) furiously hammering away at my chest.

“It's probably some animal that got in,” I told myself, my voice shaky and unsure “I'm pretty sure that that is what it is.”

But in my mind I knew that the odds of that were pretty much non-existent.

Any animal that jump about a story into the air, could squeeze through a tiny opening in the window, and not make a sound had to be the smartest and most skilled animal on this planet. And sadly not many of those lived in Downtown Los Angeles.

I was trying to sort out what could have done this when a low sound echoed through the still air of the backroom.

I froze, the hairs on the back of my neck standing on end.

It's the wind. It's just the wind! I practically screamed in my head. No need for multiple punctuation

But in that same second, I heard it again.

A sound that shook me to the core. Not the wind, but a low throaty groan, that was soon followed by a loud clang as something metallic struck the concrete floor.

I jumped, and watched as a small can of paint roll out from underneath a nearby shelf and came to rest at the the tip of my foot.

“Don't do it!!” the voice in my head said. “Finish the job and get out of here".

But even as my inner self practically screamed at me to get out of this room, my body did the opposite. My feet, seeming to move with a mind of their own, followed the crimson droplets that glistened in the dim light.

The trail took me to the far side of the room, where canvases, paints, and other types of art supplies lay scattered clumsily across the floor. This portion of the room was close to pitch black and it was only the clouds pulled away from the moon, and it's light shined brighting through the skyline did he appear to me.

He was sitting on the concrete floor, his back propped up against a fabric canvas. He had to be no more than seventeen years old, but the moonlight streaming in through the skylight hardened them making him appear much older.

His hands lay at his sides and his head tilted back, giving his long hair a silvery glow. Shadows were cast onto the lids of his closed eyes giving him the appearance of a statue, just cut from a slab of marble. It would have been a beautiful picture for a photographer to take except for something that made my breath catch in my throat.

Smeared across the once white canvas was a streak of red. Not paint but blood.

The same blood that had stained the tattered rag I had picked up.

The same blood that had formed the red droplets on the concrete at my feet.

The same blood that was now dripping from the chest of the moonlit boy.





Drum roll!! I loved the end of this chapter, the only real overall nitpick I have is to watch your repetition. Other than that good luck!




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Hello!

I find you have an interesting story premise here, and your character's voice was awesome. However, I caught way too many grammar mistakes and missing letters for me to really get into this.

Take this sentence for example:

It was a neat freak's worst nightmare come to life. Thank God I wasn’t one of those people.


Corrections in red.

You have a lot of these mistakes throughout— mostly commas and apostrophes. I'd take a look at this article for various punctuation marks and their uses. Once you've read the article, go through and start correcting what you see doesn't work. Also keep an eye out for double spaces, which are a bit of a problem and visually distracting.

Next, the missing letters/words. This sentence:

But, with the shake of head, I tuned it out and got to work


"Shake of my head" would be correct.

Another thing that got to me was your lack of italics for thoughts. This tends to be a stylistic convention, and clarifies thoughts from dialogue. I mistook several lines of thoughts for actual dialogue, because of the quotation marks surrounding them. Also, when working with thoughts, it's redundant to say "thought to myself" because you're automatically thinking to yourself, unless you're a telepath or have multiple personas fighting for a mind.

Overall, this wasn't half bad. I liked how the chapter progressed the plot forward and your character's voice was good, as I mentioned before (although it's a bit unclear what the narrator's gender is. But my confusion could be because I've not read the first part), but it was really distracting to have some pretty basic grammar errors and missing words/letters scattered throughout. Reread this a bit more in-depth before posting, maybe waiting a week, to catch those off bits before posting. If it sounds off, rework it!

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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I'm back!

Again with the parentheses here. You can take them out. They aren't necessary.

(don’t even think about making a joke about that)

Mmm, except maybe for this one. It threw me out of the story, this breaking of the fourth wall. I honestly didn't think about it until she said something and instead I was just left wondering how she knows I'm here. There's a difference in first person narration between a character a)being aware that they are telling a story and b) directly addressing the audience. This was the latter and it just felt odd.

Where the a red liquid, of the same color as the one on the cloth, was trickling down the side of my thumb.

This almost seems a bit of a stretch. I know that you're trying to set up the blood here and I applaud you for using the blood from her finger as a comparison (seriously, I don't know why that makes me so happy, but it does), but really, why doesn't she just continue to assume it's paint? What makes her suspicious? I mean, she's in an art studio, it's a rag, which painters use a lot, and it's red, which a lot of paintings have on them. Why does she immediately have suspicion about it? It seems to me she should be more concerned with the fact that it's still wet, which implies that someone's been there very, very recently/might still be there. Blood and paint dry fairly quickly. She might be in a heap of trouble, even if it isn't blood.

My suggestion? Smell. We have more than one sense and blood does smell different from paint. And you've got a large amount of it here, so she might be able to smell it. That and the fact that it is still wet could really put her on edge.

It's just the wind!!!

We just need one exclamation mark. We get it. She's frantic. More than one looks silly.

I'mma agree with the previous two reviewers about italicizing the thoughts. As is, they are punctuated like dialogue, but putting them into italics instead would let us know, yes, these are thoughts she's thinking to herself, rather than something she's saying out loud.

I liked this. I'm still confused as to what exactly she's doing and why, but I liked it. The voice still has me hooked and see? We're getting to the captured person! It's been revealed!

Third verse, same as the first: feel free to drop me a line if you have questions/comments!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green