Pain

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain
That pounds on the roog Roof, on the house, on the door,
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to be able to tell
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well Comma
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing And you wonder you teasing? I think you meant your teasing.
Has moved her to tears?

It's not just the teasing.
There's so, so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You, when in teasing, open your mouth to speak. Comma instead of period.
Hold your tongue, listen well, and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends.

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's as obvious as the rain
That pounds on the roof, on the house, on the door
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to be able to tell I think you should change it to "so hard for you to tell"
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One cross, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder if your teasing
Has moved her to tears?

The change in the rhyming pattern on the first stanza to the second stanza seems kind of awkward to read. Because of the rhyming pattern in the first stanza, I expected something to rhyme with "tell" at the end of the second line (in the second stanza) but it didn't. It was just kind of awkward to read.

It's not just the teasing.
There's so, so much more I think the repetition of "so" adds an awkward syllable amount to this line
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You, when in teasing, open your mouth to speak.
Hold your tongue, listen well, and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends. I think you need an additional syllable somewhere in the last line, it feels too short

It's not just the teasing,
There's so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her truly dearest of friends.

animekaratepup said:

How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain it's as obvious as the rain, comma
That pounds on the roof, on the house, on the door repetition is a bit odd, wait... it works(:
Obvious than the beating rain. [color=#FF0000]more obvious? or worse than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

Why does it seem so hard for you to tell comma,
When a girl is teetering on the edge? teeter, what an odd word (sorry, off topic!)
You see, depression's like a long, dark well comma,
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge period.
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong repetition once again. it adds emphasis, so it can stay.
To send her down, down, tumbling along period.
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing
Has moved her to tears?

It's not just the teasing,
There's so, so much more Again with the repetition.
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends period.

This poem is not as long as the reviews I've been writing. O.o

animekaratepup wrote:How can you not see the pain?
For me, it's obvious as the rain
That pounds on the roof, on the house, on the door
For me, pain is so often more
Obvious than the beating rain.
So tell me, why can't you see the pain?

animekaratepup wrote:Why does it seem so hard for you to tell
When a girl is teetering on the edge?
You see, depression's like a long, dark well
And when circumstances push her out on that ledge
It only takes one tiny nudge
One crosss, one dirty look, one little perceived wrong
To send her down, down, tumbling along
That dark, friendless path, where no light appears
And you wonder you teasing
Has moved her to tears?

animekaratepup wrote:It's not just the teasing,
There's so, so much more
That worries her, frightens her, causes her grief.
So just remember that before
You open your mouth to speak;
Hold your tongue, listen well and I'm sure you'll see then
This girl may come to regard you
As her dearest of friends.

One cross (I took out an "s" here), one dirty look, one little perceived wrong

And you wonder your teasing

That worries her, frightens her, (Added a break here)
Causes her grief.