Deceitful Intent Chapter 4

TAKING THIS DOWN, IF ANYONE WANTS TO READ MY WORK, IT'S ON WATTPAD

I often avoided the library. It was full of dusty books, nerds scrambling to finish typing some report, This is only an opinion but I wouldn't use a comma: don't need to follow it if you don't want.and old librarians who only wanted silence. That was not my type of environment. But Rephrase the sentence so it doesn't begin with But such as Yet, apparently today it was my flavor of the week Michelle…Megan…Melinda…M-something worked at one of our town’s libraries after school. So here I was following her around as she shelved books.

“So, aren’t you excited about later?” Marissa? asked as she stocked some shelf full of biographies.

“Totally,” I rolled my eyes and checked my watch.

“Me too, I bought this tiny bikini yesterday.”

“Uh-huh, great. Listen, we need to push this an hour back.”

Maria? faced me and crossed her arms. “Why? Is there another girl you’re hooking up with in a secluded Jacuzzi?”

I wish, I thought to myself. “Look…Melissa…”

“It’s Mara,” she corrected with an obvious attitude.

“That’s what I said,” I shrugged. “I just have a prior engagement. It’s family related. As soon as I’m done, I’m yours. You’re
you hit return instead of space so place it back with the other ^^the only thing that’s important to me tonight.”

Miranda? seemed to weigh my response. I checked my watch as she was thinking it over.

“Well, okay,” she smiled.

“Good, I’ll see you at nine Miley.”

“It’s Mara.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“You know, you’re lucky you’re cute, or else I wouldn’t be hooking up with a boy who couldn’t remember my name.”
Meredith? teased as she lightly tapped the tip of my nose with her finger.

Now was the time to compliment her back, just to make sure she wasn’t going to be freaking out over my lack of knowing her name.

I eyed her silhouette; she was a senior and one of the more scholarly ones at that. She was almost my height, making her at least 5’11” whereas I was 6’3”. She had milk chocolate skin that glowed sexily in the sun, a beautiful yet serious face, hair that only fell to her ears and lips that weren’t too thin yet weren’t too juicy either. As for her assets, she hadn’t really had any. She was a lean girl with small breasts and a small ass to match. Why was I going to sleep with her? In all honesty, because I could.

“I’m sorry about that; perhaps I should call you amazing or beautiful, because that’s what pops into my head every time I see you. I love the color of your skin and how smooth it looks. I like your smile because it makes me smile. I like your figure because it says you care about your health. I like how you always know the answers in pre-calc but you’re not snooty about it, and you’re always willing to help anyone’s who stuck. I think of all these factors and I focus on that, not just a simple thing as a name. So, please, forgive my…forgetfulness.” To sell it to the fullest I took her hand and kissed the back of it and gave her some of the official ‘Evan Cartier’ charm.

Maxie? beamed and blushed for me. “I’ll see you later, Evan.”

These girls were too easy these days. “Right,” I waved as I walked away. She wasn’t worth the effort, but there was a Jacuzzi involved, so why not?

I went and got in my car as I dialed Mia’s? best friend’s number. It was two for the price of one tonight.

“Hello?” she had a squeaky voice that made me wince.

“Samantha, it’s Evan, we’re going to have to reschedule to ten-fifteen tonight.”

“Um okay, but my name’s Shakira,” she replied in her annoyingly squeaky voice.

“Whatever,” I hung up and tossed the phone at the passenger seat. That was the problem with girls, they expected you to know and remember things.

All I knew was that I would be with one girl who had a Jacuzzi and then I’d be with another girl a little while after. After all that, what else mattered?

Well this was rather amusing; mainly because the boy can't remember for the life of him the girls he's dating and deceiving lols. Makes me laugh. Anyways this was really good job haha. Keep up the good work I can't wait for more!!! Keep up the good work!!! Hope to read more soon!!! May you receive many helpful reviews and Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3

Hi, Grandison, I'm Sarah. I haven't read the other chapters but I didn't really go into the story much, just the grammar and a few things about Evan.

Nitpicks:

But apparently today it was my flavor of the week Michelle…Megan…Melinda…M-something worked at one of our town’s libraries after school

This sentence doesn’t make sense. The first part doesn’t fit in with the end. I think it’s the “flavor of the week” part that bugs me. I think you left out a word somewhere in there.

“So, aren’t you excited about later?” Marissa? asked as she stocked some shelf full of biographies.

I know your MC doesn’t know what her name is but maybe by just putting M in for the name it will work. This will make it look neater and it will make sense.

Maria? faced me and crossed her arms. “Why? Is there another girl you’re hooking up with in a secluded Jacuzzi?”

Again just put “M” for the name. The random M-names with question marks look odd.

Miranda? seemed to weigh my response. I checked my watch as she was thinking it over.

Okay, guys are kinda dumb occasionally but not this dumb. She just told him her name. He should be able to remember it now. It’s getting a little insane with the forgetting of the names, unless he has a medical issue.

“Good, I’ll see you at nine Miley.”

Comma after nine if you are going to keep all these names in.

“I’m sorry about that; perhaps I should call you amazing or beautiful, because that’s what pops into my head every time I see you. I love the color of your skin and how smooth it looks. I like your smile because it makes me smile. I like your figure because it says you care about your health. I like how you always know the answers in pre-calc but you’re not snooty about it, and you’re always willing to help anyone’s who stuck. I think of all these factors and I focus on that, not just a simple thing as a name. So, please, forgive my…forgetfulness.”

Wow, this is a really long compliment…for some one who doesn’t really even like this girl he’s not doing that great of a job of saving himself. Read this out loud. If some one said this to you or you said it to some one how do you think you would react? I’d probably laugh. It’s like he’s trying to hard.


Overall:
I didn’t read the other chapters but I wasn’t impressed with your MC…he seemed very cliché taken to an extreme level. There are things you can do to fix this. Add back stories, obviously he’s been with a lot of girls so make him think of them? Or make him think back to bad relationships, one night stands, whatever. It’ll make him seem like an actually person instead of this random guy who is awful with names to the point that if he forgot my name that often I would probably think there was something medically wrong with him. That’s coming from someone who didn’t read the rest, so I don’t know if you explained this, why he forgets names, in another chapter but if you didn’t I would seriously think about doing that in this chapter.

I hope this wasn’t too harsh. I'm blunt but I hope it helps you with your rewrites. If you have any questions or concerns please PM me(:
~peanut~

I read it. It was entertaining once more! The characters are growing on me, although I'm starting to think that Evan is more outgoing than I thought.

No nitpicks. Be sure to keep the names with question marks, because it's hilarious and engaging; don't make "M" 's or anything like that.

A criticism: Try to develop your characters in unique ways so that, like peanut said, they don't become "cliche." If he's gonna be frisky, at least explain why. Is he never satisfied? He can't just have one girl? Is he ever guilty for breaking so many hearts? These are just fuel for thought.

Hey there again!

So, this chapter was.. a little of a disappointment. Because I thought Evan was a little stronger person(from the other chapters) to forget names. It seems to have a negative effect on the characterization. Is he really that indifferent to the females he hooks up with? I pictured him a little better than this.Character wise, don't overdo the 'I'll pick any girl.' It can get boring. Make him have a little more dimension than this.

And like someone else mentioned, while the M-name? is a bit interesting the first couple of times but after that it is plain annoying. My head wants to skip past these words.

So, you're description of her needs work. Don't describe her height like that. Show it to us. You need to show us how she looks. While saying choclolaty skin is fine the use of 'sexily' in your text is awkwardly phrased. So, be sure you work on that.

So, in this, we're getting to know what Evan does but I should like to see more of his relation with the sister. And also, I would like this to move a little faster and get to see what actually happens when the principal's kid arrives.

Cheers.