Get Warmer

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This is a thing I wrote as part of a project my friend and I are working on; the idea is to take several of our favorite songs, in this case 'Get Warmer' by Bomb the Music Industry!, and convert them into stories/art pieces. I'm doing the writing, and he's doing the artwork for each story. Maybe when he's done with the artwork, I'll post it up along with this. I know this is pretty short, but for now, enjoy. This is just a warm up for later stories to come. Teehee.

Let me know if I've broken any rules or anything.

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WINTER:

The van kinda rocked back and forth down the road and the guys kinda laughed out loud at a joke somebody told. The head lights painted a bright vision of their immediate future, told them where they might end up if they took this turn or that one. In the distance you could see the lights of the town they all came from and the places they all knew so well. Twinkling like ambient orange and white lights.

Even though the group of teenage boys was piled into the van, each was bundled up against the cold weather. Despite this, a window was rolled down so someone up front could flick cigarette ashes. They all sang along to loud music that they loved, blaring from the speakers, music they had learned together over the course of over a year or so.

Snow had draped itself over everything, was glowing orange under fluorescent highway street lamps by the side of the road. This caused everybody in the van to feel stiff and frigid all through the Winter. Later they'd all talk it over, decide their bad moods had been a result of the snow. Even later they'd think about it on their own time and realize it hadn't been the weather upsetting them at all.

Back at home they all tried their best to keep warm in a basement where the heat was always broke. They told more jokes and talk about music and politics, life in general. One of them strummed a guitar and pretty soon they were all singing along again, singing to a song they'd all listened to not even an hour ago in the van.

SUMMER:

The group of young guys were back out on the road in their van that Summer, all the windows down and the wind whipping through their hair with such force that it forced them to squint to see. The bright blazing sun shone its light along the compact streets of their hometown, opened up seemingly hundreds of possibilities of places for them to go that day. Houses rushed by the van's open windows in a blur, created a tapestry of memories that were swiftly locked away.

A cigarette butt was flicked out onto the street and carried away by the powerful wind outside the van. Windows rolled down, music blaring, the small group laughed to itself in private jokes that few would understand outside their friendship. No one else needed to understand. Ambitions and dreams be damned, this was life! Town whizzed by in an instant outside, like so much else in their lives had before.

Someone said something that interrupted the song they were singing, caused those inside the van to erupt with laughter. To outsiders they must have looked like such a nuisance, like angry teenagers being rowdy and rude. But you could tell if you looked closer that that wasn't true. The guys were just having fun, riding around to pass the time until someone could think of something for them to do.

Heat eventually got to all of them when they ended up at the lake playing music. The world was rich with light now even as clouds rose and the sun set. The guys all sweat right through their clothes, were made to feel stifled and hot by the intense sun. Later they'd all hang out and complain about the lack of air conditioning, blame their stuffy moods on it. Even later they'd think about it on their own time and realize it hadn't been the weather upsetting them after all.

Even though a lot had changed for the group over the course of a few months, a lot seemed to be the same. They still had a good group of friends to hang out with during the Winter and Summer months, still had houses and families to go home to when they got tired of time spent with friends. They still stressed about things, big and small, that they had and hadn't done. And they still had the van, driving them forward whenever they felt stuck in time.

So maybe it sucked when the snow fell and no one felt like going outside, or when the sun beat down hard and made everything hot and tiring for everyone. Through it all the guys still stayed good friends. They hung on to the music they all loved and, later, they'd blame their bad moods on broken promises and bad dreams, or boredom. They'd each admit even later that, through it all, everything had been okay this year.

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Hi,

This was really good. It was sweet and conveyed a lot, but it was also simple and to the point. It was something that was easy to relate to, especially the part of moods being reflected in the seasons, and at the end there was a smile on my face. There really isn't a lot wrong with it, but I think that it could benefit if you went into more detail.

Right now, this doesn't have as much emotional impact as it probably could, seeing as how you don't go into much detail regarding the specific lives of the boys. What specific boundaries have they had to face? How are they similar, but different? What kinds of things have they had to get through together? How old are they? What are they dreams like? How did they come to meet? If you show us who these people are and give us a sample into their lives, they'll seem more real to us and it will be easier to relate, and it will also make this story more memorable and heartfelt in the end.

Otherwise, this was wonderful. Keep writing, and feel free to drop me a note if you have any questions/comments. Good luck with your revisions!

~ Elinor

All our dreams can come true — if we have the courage to pursue them.

-- Walt Disney




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Hi!

I really liked this. It was so simple, and I loved how you based it off of a song! I don't know why, but just the simplicity of this piece was amazing. You developed the characters without barely trying, which I thought was great, and the description in here was amazing!

Great job! Maybe you should write about what happened in Spring and Fall! ;)
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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Hi! :D

This actually sounds pretty similar to something me and one of my friends used to do. We'd pick a prompt, either a song or a picture or a quote -- anything really -- and then each write something based on it, and see what we each ended up with :) I'm at university and so, alas, I can't listen to the song that inspired this as of yet.

The van kinda rocked back and forth down the road and the guys kinda laughed out loud at a joke somebody told.

The kinda's here don't really seem quite right? I'm not quite sure how to envision a van that is only kinda rocking back and forth, or a group of guys that are only kinda laughing out loud at a joke. It seems to me like they'd be an all or nothing kinda thing?

The rest of that paragraph is actually pretty nice, although there is a little repetition of the word light. You've got some good imagery, and I really like the idea you've got going with the headlights.

Even though the group of teenage boys was piled into the van, each was bundled up against the cold weather. Despite this, a window was rolled down so someone up front could flick cigarette ashes.

Each of your sentences here starts of with the same sort of comparative clause, if that makes sense? Even though and Despite this, having the two of them together in such close proximity, it really does sound a little strange. I get what you're trying to say, they it's cold and they're wrapped up warm, but there's still a window open for someone's cigarette, I just think that it could be worded in a much better way, with a little more description.

There's some really nice descriptions throughout this, I think that most of them seem to be in the Summer section, while the ones in the Winter half are quite similar, and there just aren't as many. I think my main issue is that this seems quite passive and distant, and that we're watching it all in a bit of a detached manner, rather than being involved ourselves, if that makes sense? It's a little hard to really connect with any of the guys in this, we know that they have all of these dreams and ambitions and enjoy road trips and singing together, but we don't really know anything about them individually, or even how many of them there are ;) as a result it lacks a little of the emotional hook that really engages a reader, and can feel a little flat.

Regardless of that though, I really enjoy this. That feeling of change, of going somewhere new in life but still wanting to hold onto the old parts, in a way. It's nice :)

I hope that I've been of some use to you! If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on anything I've said or not quite explained properly, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot :D

-Tinny
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Thank you all for your reviews, I greatly appreciate it. If it helps any, this version of Get Warmer is only the second draft, and there will be a third and final draft based on your comments and my own complaints about the story. So thanks again.

It sounds like the biggest complaint is the lack of emotional impact, and I agree with that. I'll see what I can do and perhaps post the next draft up soon. I hope you guys'll read that as well when it is finished.

Oh, and little tin fish, the 'kindas' were in there as sort of a stylistic thing, because look at what you said directly after that;
It seems to me like they'd be an all or nothing kinda thing?

I know you were using it in a different context, but I like to write with that sort of style as though I am speaking directly to the reader. Besides that, I wanted to use the repetition of the word kinda to sort of 'underact' the actions in the story at that point.

Or maybe I was just BSing. Who knows.

Thanks yet again for your reviews, guys!




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First broken rule? Don't capitalize the seasons. It's just 'summer' and 'winter', unless you're referring to a particular thing like "Spring Semester" or something like that.

Indeed, I agree with the lack of emotion. And even if you did inject more emotion in there, I think it would feel a little trite. The thing is that your band of lackeys is kind of generic. A bunch of guys, a van, and music. Sounds like every self-taught guitarist's ideal little daydream in suburbia. But what you want as a writer is unique characters...memorable ones. Something not ever self-taught musician would think of.

Something that comes to the top of my mind is something I heard on a radio show called "This American Life." This band of guys, in the dead of the night, goes to the top of a hill in their van. One of them got a hold of the soundtrack to Space Mountain from Disneyworld and pops it in. It has the countdown, the sound effects, the air whooshes. Then they put the van in neutral, turn off the headlights, and as the soundtrack counts down (5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blast off!) they roll down this steep hill in pitch black...WHOOSH! round a corner WHOOSH! reel around a bend EEEEERRRRR!!! they accelerate straight down.

That's something memorable. I always talk about that to people whenever it's relevant. It's interesting. So try to think of something unique, something memorable. Something more than a generic "ah, the good ol' days."

I think the reason the others didn't get that you wanted to go for stylistic choice with the "kinda" is because that's the only evidence of a stylistic choice. If, throughout it, you used a colloquial kind of narration, it would come across. But otherwise, you start with the familiar 'kinda' and end with
Back at home they all tried their best to keep warm in a basement where the heat was always broke. They told more jokes and talk about music and politics, life in general. One of them strummed a guitar and pretty soon they were all singing along again, singing to a song they'd all listened to not even an hour ago in the van.

which is kinda just straight storytelling. So throw in some cuss words or something or devil-may-care words. Something that shows these kids really don't give a damn.




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So, everyone has pretty much said what I was going to say, but I just wanted to tell you that I really liked this piece. It was short and simple and sweet, and you did a really good job describing the general mood and environment. However, as mentioned above, it was kind of distant. So, yeah, just involve the readers a bit more, and you'll be fine :)
"Words can be like X-rays, if you use them properly–they'll go through anything. You read and you're pierced." -Brave New World by Aldous Huxley



Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt