The Devil's Pocket Watch (1)

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Some say that freedom comes after graduating High School – that wasn’t the case for Kristabel Westchester, who spent her entire life waiting for the day when she would be handed the key to unlock her chains. Growing up in a controlling family wasn’t her cup of tea. However, her wishes for freedom are granted when she meets an escaped convict – from Hell, a demon named Crosse. He hands over the key to her chains all right, but at the price of her mortal life. Well, there’s no greater freedom than death, right?


Chapter One

Sleeping Potion

The hooves beat against the ground as Kristabel moved the horse into a gallop. Her horse’s breathing increased as they made their way across the dirt track. Adrenaline coursed up her veins and quickened her breath. She saw the first hurdle she had put up approaching in twenty feet.
“Faster, Pacific,” she urged the horse. Feeling the morning wind blow into her face and tangle into her hair, she tightened her grip on the reins and squeezed her legs together to put slight pressure on Pacific’s sides. Pacific’s front hooves took off and Kris’s heart nearly stopped as she went midair. Everything went quiet for those mere seconds besides the breath she sucked in.
Pacific touched down on the other side of the hurdle and the shock of grounding pulled Kris back into reality, forcing her held breath out her lips. A grin extended over her face as she continued to gallop slowly.
“Nice jump, Pacific,” Kris complimented, “good girl.” She walked Pacific to the gate. With her foot she opened the lock after three failed attempts and pushed it open, allowing Pacific to walk onto the grass field. She sighed, petting the horse’s mane as she looked around the ranch. The Westchester family had a large home and that land that went on for acres. However, in that home of riches and light, she preferred her horse and her field where things were that much simpler.
The morning was a bit foggy but it wasn’t anything bad that Pacific would have a hard time walking in. She would have hated it if it drizzled though. The sky wasn’t exactly clear; the sun rays still had a difficult time penetrating the thick clouds above. A frown played over her lips as she realized it was going to rain today. The clouds had been sniffing all week and it was about time they cried some tears.
This means no riding until the grass dries, she thought.
Tucking her strands of loose hair back into her helmet, she turned to look at the woods behind her house. From the corner of her eye she made out a figure standing next to one of the trees.
“Whoa.” She halted the horse. Looking over her shoulders she pressed her lips together, and then jumped down. With a tilted head she made her way back to the where she saw the figure. Putting her hands on the fence that separated her home from the woods, her eyes roamed the area.
Pacific nuzzled her nose against Kris’s shoulder. “I swear I saw someone here,” she said to the horse. “Hello is anyone there?” she called.
No answer.
“That’s weird…maybe I’m just seeing things. I blame having to wake up this early, you know. My head isn’t fully functional right now.” Kris smiled at her Dunalino colored horse. Pacific’s color reminded her of the soft sand when she went to the coast of California when she was twelve. So like the ocean, she named her horse Pacific because Sand or Sandy just didn’t cut it.
Petting her long nose, she leaned in and rubbed her cheek against Pacific’s warm head while holding her gaze on the trees.
---

“Darling, you weren’t kidding when you said you’d wake up early to jump with Pacific, did you?” Henry set his newspaper on the table and looked up. Lifting his mug, he took a drink from his coffee.
“No, I wasn’t kidding,” she answered, walking into the kitchen and sitting down on the chair across from him. Her hand reached over and she began to butter her toast. “I wanted to see how Pacific would do with morning training. You know I don’t have time to ride anymore since exams have started this week and with mom being in the hospital.” She took a bite.
Henry forced a smile, setting his cup down. “Don’t work yourself too hard. Take a break from your equitation hobbies and focus more on your school work or you’ll be too burned out to do either of them correctly.” Henry picked at his rectangular glasses and showed her a warm smile.
Suddenly the bread tasted sour in her mouth. She knew her father didn’t mean her harm and that he was just thinking about her overall well-being and future but at times, that’s all he ever seemed to pay attention to. “I think I’ll be able to manage myself just fine.” She did her best to keep herself from making it sound impolite.
“Kris, I really don’t think it’s a good idea. Drop riding for this month and focus on your studies. Junior year is important, remember?”
She bit her lip, her hand clawing the fabric of her vintage skirt. “Okay.” She took in a breath, knowing that if she made a fit about it now, it’d only make a scene in front of the house assistants and maids. “I understand.”
Of course she always seemed to be the one understanding things. The last time she spoke her mind was during her tenth birthday party when she made a fuss over getting a present she didn’t want. The party guest began to talk then, about what kind of spoilt brat Henry had raised. She was just ten but age didn’t matter to those sophisticated people.
In the circle of her family’s friends and relatives, children were raised to obey elders. Her entire life had been controlled by her father. She was pretty sure he had a notebook somewhere which had all the details to her life written down years before she was even born.
“I’m afraid I can’t give you a ride to school today, sweetheart. Do you want to take the truck since your car broke down?” Henry asked, sitting up. One of the house maids came in and cleared away his plates. He straightened his tie and pulled on his overcoat. “I think you should just drive yourself to school with the truck, I know you’re not accustomed to it but tell that Daniel to give you ride if you’re really not up to it.” He picked his briefcase off the counter. “Love you,” he said, kissing her forehead before leaving.
“Love you too.” She straightened her back and continued to eat her breakfast. Everything tasted bad.
---

Kris watched her feet as she walked down the crowed hallway of her private academy for girls. Rich girls such as herself didn’t go to public schools and instead were obligated to wear these ridiculous skirts in the cold and act like total snobs, complaining about little things like how Wallgreens cropped their photos incorrectly and that they should’ve just hired a professional. Were there even professionals for that?
Someone shoved her shoulder and she looked up at tall blonde girl.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she said in a soft voice. She ‘sounded’ sincere but her eyes told a different story.
Kris smiled, fighting the urge to narrow her eyes and glare. “It’s alright,” she managed to say. She turned around and continued down the noisy hallway towards her science class. Sometimes she wondered what public schools were like. Were they even louder? Did boys and girls kiss in the hallway like they showed in the movies and was there gum underneath every desk? Did girls in public schools always act like there was some competition going on between all of them based on family income? She groaned silently to herself.
I’m so getting out of this place, she told herself, and graduation equals independence.
She walked into the chemistry class, taking her seat which was on opposite side of room, next to the window. Kris opened her binder, looking up at the tubby teacher as he checked off names every time someone came into the class. The way his nose twitched every few seconds gave her the creeps. She wondered if it was some sort of muscle defect in his nose and wondered why he didn’t get it fixed.
Kris’s gaze turned to the window. Outside, the rain had slowly begun making its way down, forming little bubbles on the glass. Cars made their way down the street and the sidewalks were empty except for one person. Her head slanted as she made out a woman standing across the street with a red umbrella. Her face was hidden but she knew the woman was looking at her.
With a gasp, she pushed her chair back and stood up. It was the same person she saw earlier this morning next to her home.
“Miss Westchester, is something the matter?” Her Chemistry teacher asked, standing up from his seat – his nose twitching more ferociously than before.
Kris looked at him and then back outside but the woman was gone. Was she really just seeing things lately? “I-it’s nothing. I’m sorry,” she muttered, sitting back down. The last time she freaked out like that was when she was ten and swore she saw the boogeyman under her bed.
The other students stared at her but then resumed their chit-chatting.
Rubbing her head, she wondered if it was the fact that she hadn’t been getting enough sleep lately which was causing her to hallucinate about this stalker woman. There was just something about her imaginary friend that sent spiders running up and down her back.
---

Raindrops spattered on the pavement. In a daze, Kris watched the ripples in the puddles while listening to the song of the season. Spring time was one of her favorite times of the year. The countless days of rain felt like the entire world was being cleaned like a muddy child being given a fresh bath.
Inhaling the earthy scent, Kris tightened her hands around her grey umbrella.
She pictured herself throwing away her umbrella and jumping down the steps, immersing herself in the music notes that the rain sang. She’d look at her hands and watch as the droplets splashed against her palms, as the water ran down her hair.
Lighting snapped her out of her daydream. She peered up and down the street, waiting for Daniel. He was the new stable boy her father hired to take care of her horses when she didn’t have the time. It was nice knowing that no matter what, her Pacific had someone to take care of her all day long.
With a tilted head, her eyes wandered up towards the grey sky. The thick clouds squeezed together like a mixture of thick pudding. Kris could hear the far off thunder rolling in the clouds and every time it crackled above, her shoulders cringed together.
Finally, a black truck pulled into the school’s front entrance. Quickly, Kris skipped down the stairs, dodged the puddles and made it to the car. She pulled open the door, closing her umbrella. The leather inside began showing dark spots while she attempted to stuff her backpack, umbrella, binder and herself into the front seat.
“Let me get that for you,” Daniel offered, taking hold of her backpack and setting it in the tiny back seat.
“Thank you,” she replied. With a smack, she closed the door and let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks for coming, Daniel. I’m sorry but I don’t like riding in the bus.” She strapped on the belt as Daniel rolled out of the entrance and onto the street.
“No, it’s alright.” Dan faced her for a quick second and then shifted back to the road. He wasn’t the best looking chap in the world but he did have his own quirks that made him attractive. He had nice brown hair, whatever he was using, it was working. His nose wasn’t crooked or weird but nice and straight and the way his thick lashes shaped his eyes was the perfect touch. He was wearing some jeans and a white shirt that said “I’m lost, please take me home with you”.
“Say, where are you headed Miss Kristabel?” he asked in his faint country accent.
“You can just call me Kris,” she said, smiling, “I know it’s a bit of boyish name but since we’re around the same age, I don’t think there really is a need for formalities.” She caught herself. “Except for maybe in front of my parents, you know, and other guests,” she stuttered. “Then I think it’s appropriate that you call me Miss Kristabel.”
Daniel laughed and caught her in his green eyes. “Well in that case, you can just call me Dan. Except for when we’re in front of the elders, then I think calling me Mr Daniel is quite appropriate.” A boyish smile showed over his lips.
She smiled at his poor humor. This was much better than the conversation they had this morning when he dropped her off. She was too upset to talk to him properly so the ride was silent and awkward.
The windshield wipers made squeaking sounds as they wiped the rain down the glass. She sat on her hands to keep them warm. Even if the heat was on, it didn’t seem like it was warm enough.
“So um, are you headed home or something?” Dan asked. “I know one of the housemaids mentioned something about you going to the hospital after school or something.”
“Ah, yes. We have to go there…”
“Alright then,” he said with a smile, turning the truck onto the highway.
The rain pounded harder on the windshield making sounds like fists hitting glass doors. She watched herself in the car’s side mirror. Her image wasn’t clear but she could still make out her main points. The mole under the right side of her lip. The grey floral headband that made her look like a child. Honestly she was sure she was the offspring of a cabbage patch doll and Velma from Scooby Doo. Her brown hair was long and straight, no bangs or layers, it was totally even and boring but that was how her father liked it. Unsophisticated, delicate, boring yet beautiful and young, a daughter her family dreamed of. Holding up that dream however, was a tough job.
---

“How are you mom? I’m feeling fine today. A bit of disappoint and a bit of happiness. Sometimes I’m not really sure if I’m really feeling what I’m feeling. I fake so much of my life that I have a hard time knowing what’s real and what’s not.” Kris looked down at her Heather.
Her mother’s brown hair spread over the white hospital pillow. Her face was pale and she looked like she was resting with her eyes closed…for six years. When Kris was eleven her mother got into a car accident on her way back from the clinic. The car that hit her was a truck and since that incident, she became afraid of driving large vehicles.
She took her mother’s hand and squeezed it, intertwining their fingers together. “I miss you mom. I wonder if things would’ve been different if you were around. Maybe you’d understand me more unlike dad. He’s not a bad guy but sometimes he just doesn’t understand me.”
She watched her emotionless face. It was hard, knowing that her mother was alive but dead at the same time. If she woke up one day, what would she remember? Would she know that she came to visit her every single day for the past six years? That she combed her hair and cleaned her face, would she remember feeling all of that? They were coming back again, the tears that always came up whenever she visited. She missed her mother’s touch and word and would give anything to bring her back from this vegetative state.
“Please wake up soon,” she said and then stood up and walked out of the room. Her heart was stammering inside her chest. More than a hundred times she told herself to not thinking about these things but she did it anyway. She passed the doctors, nurses and Dan who was holding two cups of coffee in his hand. He didn’t notice her though.
She went downstairs and quickly pushed open the front door, walking out. She breathed in the cool air, lifting her head to the puffy dark clouds which had grown heavier. The raindrops had become thicker. They dropped from the sky like falling glass shards and made sounds like a dozen chimes hitting the ground.
Tears fell from her eyes just like the raindrops. Giving up at holding herself up, she sat down on a ledge. After all these years, she figured it’d be easier seeing her mother and thinking about her but all that came across her mind were what ifs. What if she never woke up? What if she was going to be stuck in this state forever, missing everything and everyone?
A tap on her shoulder pulled Kris’s eyes up towards a woman.
“Have this,” she said, handing over a handkerchief, “wipe your tears.”
Graciously accepting the pink cloth, Kris let her hair fall over her face as she wiped the tears away. Sniffing, she tried to pull her snot back up her nose but it wasn’t going anywhere.
A small chuckle bit at the tip of the woman’s tongue. “It’s alright, you can keep the handkerchief,” the woman replied.
Thankfully, she wiped her nose and once she felt like she was presentable she looked at the woman. She was a very tall lady, like a model and had skin like the sunset on a beach.
“Thank you very much.” Kris showed the upmost gratitude through her words.
The woman took a seat next to her and left only a few inches of space between them. “You’re welcome, dear.” She smiled and met Kris’s eyes.
The woman was utterly gorgeous that even girls would get lost in her deep chocolate eyes. It was like falling into a pit of soft, fat-free fudge. The woman’s nightly hair was wavy and thick, full of lush and shined like silk even in the murky weather. However, there was something odd about her.
“What’s bothering you?” The woman asked. If vanilla had a voice, it would be hers. Kris decided it was her hallucinations at work again and waved it off.
Kris’s hands tightened around the handkerchief. “M-my mom’s in a coma.” It was weird talking about it. Normally she wouldn’t have mentioned anything to a stranger but again, there was just something about her.
The woman put a hand over her mouth. “I’m…I’m so sorry to hear that.” She frowned and folded her hands across her lap and looked across the busy street. “There are times where life seems a bit unfair. Sometimes it snatches away the things you hold so dear even though we’ve never done anything bad, the ill things in life still find us.”
“You’re right…” I know that feeling better than anything else.
“But even if those bad things find you, be thankful that you still have a life to live and air to breath.” She faced Kris and rubbed a hand over her back. Normally, she’d feel weird if a stranger did that but it felt nice that someone, a stranger, cared so much about her troubles. “Your mother is still alive, her time is being cut but if you keep faith, one day she’ll wake up and she’ll be so happy that she still has the time that she has, trust me.”
Kris nodded, wiping her nose with the cloth again. She must have a part time job as a religious figure or something, she thought.
Her eyelid felt heavy. Maybe it was the stress that she just cried off that made her tired all of a sudden.
“Time…that’s the most important thing a person has. Without it, nothing is possible.”
“Yes,” Kris said even though she wasn’t quite sure what the woman had said. “Um, for your words of encouragement,” she said, fighting her drowsiness, “can I have your name so I can thank you?”
The woman showed her extravagant smile. “Lavira.”
“Thank you, Miss Lavira.” Kris tried to stand up but her body felt weak. Finally pushing herself up, she took a step but every muscle screamed in protest. Suddenly her mind went blank, her vision blurred and she fell into what seemed to be a dark endless pit.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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Nuuuuu! Don't fall asleep! =O


I looooove this. Write more! ;D
You fit motion into it very nicely. (Like, the car-ride.) And you are very good at human emotions and normal conversations. (Sometimes in stories, the conversations seem a little weird and awkward, but yours was awesome.)

Peek up a bit on your grammar though. You missed putting a few commas before your and's and but's. (They're easy to forget. Believe me. XD)

Message me when your next one comes out. I'm excited.
~Chelseam2

Insane, and, ba-da-ba-ba-ba, I'm lovin' it!




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Hey Pink! Just a few nitpicking things first, and then we'll start getting into the meatier parts!

“Let me get that for you,” Her father offered, taking hold of her backpack and setting it in the back seat.


The "Her father" should actually be "her father" with no capitalization.

His jaw was straight and he shared the same dark honey colored hair and blue eyes as her.


Either draw this description out a little further or get rid of it. It seems a little awkwardly placed as it is.

Grandma had cancer, was going to die and only had a limited amount of time to live.


The parallelism is really bad here...

Okay! Now let's talk about Mary Sue! Er, I mean Vanessa! No wait... yeah, Mary Sue is appropriate too.

PinkShearwater: "Uh oh... this is a bad way to start off the review."

Snoink: "Mwhahahahahaha."

No, but seriously. I'm trying to think of a flaw about Vanessa. The only ones that are coming into mind is that she doesn't think she is very pretty and she wishes she spent more time with her family. Oh, and she's kind of socially awkward. And... those aren't really flaws. It's kind of like Bella's flaw of being clumsy. Uh huh.

Now, if this socially awkward part is because she is a queen bitch and she is extra mean to everybody, then I can kind of see how this could be a flaw. And, if the reason why she doesn't think she's pretty is because she is insecure and actively puts people down and uses this as an excuse for hatred... yeah, that's a flaw. And if she was bitter and cruel to her father for not spending time with her (maybe not as bad as how everybody is to that one steel guy in "Atlas Shrugged, but somewhat close), then I can see how that can be a flaw. BUT. As of now, your character doesn't seem flawed at all, and it's driving me crazy!

This doesn't mean that perfect characters are bad, of course. But, in general, characters should be like a fine wine... and yes, I should probably just steal a glass of Bordeaux now, lol. But, fine wine should be rich and complex and develop in your palette like a symphony of taste. So, don't just make a perfect, insipid character, or else she'll be extra acidic and sickly sweet with no real flavor or body. XD

So, yeah. She's very much like a Mary Sue. Of course, if there is a reason for this, you are awesome. However, I kind of really want her to see her kidnapped and tortured by demons at this point since she's disgustingly perfect.

AND YES, I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. But you knew this already!

Continue on! I adooooooooore Lavira so much. She's my second favorite character, behind Crosse! But that's largely because she drinks wine even worse than Crosse, and that's SAYING something. Still, the to of them are totally the dream team. I want them to be evil together! :D
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Though I very very much enjoyed Crosse and Lavira, I don't think I can say the same for Vanessa. To me, she seems a little too perfect, and it's a little annoying. I can't find anything wrong with her! She doesn't mind bullying, she dresses like a nun.... kinda, she prays at church and she's even rich! I mean, it didn't even seem like she was frustrated when her tires were slashed (which, if it were me, I would have TOTALLY felt like punching someone. And I definitely would have thrown a few cuss words into my thoughts here and there)
At this point, I'm actually kind of glad that Lavira is kidnapping her or something! If that makes me a horrible person then so be it! Pahaha but seriously. (Pssst, was the handkerchief drugged or something?)

Once again, your description was very good. I really liked it and your story was very well written. I'm very thankful that this site has so many good authors (unlike fanfiction) and I'm really enjoying this story :)

She was used to things like that. Being an easy prank or an easy to-be-bullied-person, that is.


I think you should rephrase that last sentence. Maybe say something like "She was an easy person to prank, as well as being easy to bully" or something, because "Being an easy prank or an easy to-be-bullied-person" sounds really awkward haha.

Yesterday, someone had come into the school’s parking lot and actually stabbed holes in her car’s tires.


Again. I would have TOTALLY cussed that dude out! Pahahaha but that's 'cause I'm a meany ;)

“Are you tired?” she asked.
“A little bit…oddly.” She swore she was feeling fine a minute ago.
The woman scooted, closing the distance between them and pulled Vanessa’s head onto her shoulder. “You can sleep, darling. I’ll wake you up in five minutes. Just rest your eyes for a bit.”
Vanessa nodded and allowed herself to lie on the woman’s shoulder.
“Can I ask you for your name?”
“Lavira…” the woman replied in a whisper.


Ahhh I love Lavira! x) there's just something about her that I really really like! I hope to see more of her soon, so I will go check out the next chapter, now! :)
If there's a 50/50 chance of getting something wrong go for it anyway because there is also a 50/50 chance of getting it right

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity. ~Edgar Allen Poe




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Hey bro/sis-in-law! Long time no talk! :)
Just noted you posted this, I haven't read the prologue, but I think it'll still be okay to review..so on I go!

All right, I actually have no nit-picks. Weird. :P

I gotta say, I do agree with the others about Vanessa's personality. She does seem a little too perfect, especially if she's a rich person..they're usually not so nice; think they have rights that other people don't and so on. So if her tires got slashed or whatever, I'd think she'd be royally pissed XD

Aside from that, I was a little skeptical of Lavira. I didn't read the prologue, so I don't know who or what she is, but..I don't know.. with the title of the story being "The Devil's Pocket Watch", I kind of expected Lavira to be a demon or whatever trying to kidnap Vanessa, the defenceless little girl. So I might be totally off, but the fact she's okay with having some random stranger sleep on her is kinda weird, lol.

And that's pretty much all I have to say. I didn't have any other problems with the chapter. I liked the flow of the chapter, it was a real easy read, and it was well written. Way to go :D !!
Got a story you'd like reviewed?
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Punctuation is the difference between "Let's eat, Grandma" and "Let's eat Grandma".




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Wifey, tis me again!

If my sister hadn't mentioned reading chappy 1, I wouldn't have known it was out. But here I am!

Okay, Vanessa is obviously a problem, unless you're quite alright with that. If that's the case, then yay! You did a great job! What bothers me is the fact that she was putting herself down so much. She hates herself, hates her haircut, her clothes. At least, I think she hated all that. Did she?

If she does, why doesn't she change? It's obvious she can afford it. If she doesn't mind looking so different from everyone else (Which is a problem because wall flowers tend to try to blend in) then why does she sound so morose about it all?

Other than that, your descriptions were good and yes, I agree with Snoink: Lavira is awesome. I'm trying to figure out which Sin Vanessa is....Hmmm...

I'm so glad you've decided to rewrite this. It is quite good and original.

Keep using that keyboard!

Wifey.




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Hellos!! Let's get this party started, because I so want to read this!
***************

The countless days of rain felt like the entire world was being cleaned like a muddy child being given a fresh bath.

Wow. I liked that sentence, read it more than once to savor how you simply but strongly played with words.

He always had a knack for being late. She couldn’t necessarily blame him for it either. Work had taken up most of his time since he took over the family’s clinic after her grandmother.

Those are three sentences: Two short and one of an average length, but I think it might be great if you merge the last two sentences together with a "because" or something. I saw a connection between the two sentences and, as a reader, saw that it would be better with a "because". That's just me, though!

The thick clouds squeezed together like a mixture of thick pudding.

This one made me laugh out loud- I loved it. Where do you get such amazing expressions?! Now, every time I look up at a cloudy sky, I'll think of pudding.

His jaw was straight and he shared the same dark honey colored hair and blue eyes as her.

It's very nice how you merged the description of Vanessa and her father in the same phrase. It made it simple and I liked it a lot.

She was used to things like that. Being an easy prank or an easy to-be-bullied-person, that is. It was her fault for being the small town, timid girl that she was. Not to mention her sense of fashion went as far as floral skirts and collared shirts with headbands. She was like the mixed offspring of Velma from Scooby-doo and a cabbage patch doll. It wasn’t very attractive to the eyes of High schoolers which made her a target for cruelty.

Dear God! Stop making me laugh!! If she's such a cute person, why would Crosse want anything to do with her? Wow, the prologue is doing a great job with making things exciting! I LOVE THIS PARAGRAPH!!
“Vanessa, as much as I care about Grandmother and as much as I know how much you care about her, you still have to pay attention to your studies. Junior year is a very important year.

It's nice how you tell us the details gradually throughout the chapter. You know, there are novels where the MC tells you this: My name is *** and I'm ** years old. I'm a Junior in high school and it's very hard to deal with my studies while I have to visit my sick grandmother in the hospital every now and then. Seriously! There are novels like that and they aren't fun to read!

There was only two other people there. One was a man who had his hands together while muttering things – prays possibly.

Hm.. I think "Praying possibly" isn't necessary, because we know he must be praying while he muttered words with hands held together. If you want to mention that he's praying, maybe you could say something like: "... a man who was praying, having his hands together and..." But that's just what I think, sis.

The woman could’ve been a model for all Vanessa knew.

Brrr! I'm going crazy here! Is it Lavera? Please, don't say it's Lavera. (Yes, I review while I read this for the first time, so I have NO idea what's going to happen!

“Lavira…” the woman replied in a whisper.

No!
*************************

Why are you doing this to us? Where is the next chapter, woman? Post it, post it now, for the love of God!
I'm not joking. I seriously am so hyper, excited, interested and very very much anticipating what's coming next. I honestly have no words to describe what I just read, it being simply mind-blowing to go through.
Your details graciously and gently were given to us as though you had some sort of map to tell us what was going on in Vanessa's life. Do you know how much it usually takes for a writer to introduce his MC? It took me about three chapters to explain the life of my MC, but you told us all the necessary things in the right time.
I can't help but wonder about the reason behind Crosse's need for Vanessa. She seems to be a wonderful person and that's making me confused over the issue. Confused in a good way, though!

Pink, for real, write the next chapter fast and I do beg you to tell me when it's up. Pleeeease.
I love you, girl. I love you a whole load of unbearable love, if that makes sense. O.o''
Lol!!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Pacific’s front hooves took off and Kris’s heart nearly stopped as she went midair. Everything went quiet for those mere seconds besides the breath she sucked in.
Pacific touched down on the other side of the hurdle and the shock of grounding pulled Kris back into reality, forcing her held breath out her lips.

O.o How did you make me see and feel what you just wrote? I can feel my breaths escaping my lungs while I read that part!

Tucking her strands of lose hair back into her helmet

"Loose" instead of "lose".

“Whoa.” She halted the horse and jumped off.

I think we need a comma in the end of the quotation.


...kind of spoilt brat Henry had raised

"Spoiled" instead of "spoilt".

In the circle of her family’s friends and relatives, children were raised to obey elders so everyone she knew were like robots who spoke when spoken to or fakes who looked like angels but when the lights turned off, they were spoiled rock stars who enjoyed partying. Unfortunately, she had become the one who spoke when spoken to.

Oh, I like this paragraph. The first sentence is slightly too long, but I like how you allowed me to see the nature of most of her society. (Wow. I wrote a lot of 'of' words here. Lol)

Kris who looked like the mixed version of Velma from Scooby-Doo and a cabbage patch doll.

I'm very glad you kept this sentence, because I love its funny simplicity.

********************
Alright, let's get this party started! You changed many things here, even Kris's personality. But let's go through this bit by bit....
First of all, I like the girl here. Vanessa used to be a soft girl who LOOKED weak most of the time, but had some strength in her, but Kris is much different. There is a nice conflict, while she struggles to prove herself and do what she likes, while she meets obstacles that ban her from doing so. I liked both Vanessa and Kris, but I think Kris will serve the storyline better.

Hm.. I only think that you've introduced so many characters in this chapter. We met the mother, the father, Dan and Laura. Yes, you surely gave us very good and fulfilling hints about each personality, but I felt as though the chapter was slightly crowded. I honestly don't know if you could give up one of those characters, but I did feel like Laura wasn't very necessary.
Now, I don't know how the rest of the novel will go on, but Laura didn't seem very important in that chapter. Does that make me look like a bad person?

I liked how you let us see her mother and allowed us to get to know her, though. I know she's in a coma, but that made me feel sympathy towards Kris and it's certainly better than merely mentioning the mother in the former first chapter, if you know what I mean.

One more thing! How did Kris know that the woman in the beginning of the chapter was the same woman outside school? The colour of the umbrella, maybe? You could clear that up, if you wish.

Overall, I think Kris will work with you more flexibly than Vanessa would. I liked the chapter so much, but I only wasn't a fan of crowded characters, that's all. Other than that, I do think Kris is a very great character. So, I only have one tip from me, the poor reader and friend: Make the chapter more concentrated on Kris, because Laura stole some attention from our MC here. @.@ I don't know why I'm not fond of Laura- she didn't do me anything wrong!
:D
I liked it and thank you so much for keeping all the beautiful sentences I loved in the previous chapter. I still am fond of those phrases and I do like that chapter a lot!!
I'm back to my YWS after months of disappearance, hoping that I'd gain the immunity of books and quills against the harmful realism of our world.

In case this made no sense, I'm just saying that I'm happy I'm back!




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Yo, Dad! What's up? *don't say ceiling* :lol: Anyway, Shrubs here to review.

“And that sucks. You know that riding is the only thing I like doing and now he wants to take that away. Apparently it wasn’t enough when he got upset when he found out I had
B
lack-eyed peas and Usher on my iPod.”


“How are you, mom? I’m feeling fine today. A bit of disappoint and a bit of happiness. Sometimes I’m not really sure if I’m really feeling what I’m feeling.


First of all, I would have to commend you for the outstanding scene you wrote for the horse and Kris. You wrote actually like a thorough professional and there was a clear picture in front of me as I read through it. I had recently read a novel with horse-0riding as one of its backdrops and I think you did a better job than what that that writer did, so an applaud goes to you. :D I would have admit that while I read your work, I was caught up with a twinge of jealousy since I wondered if I'd ever be able to write that good. You guys make me jealous. :wink:

Secondly there was something that I noticed you did every time you started a new part. I've quoted them in the spoiler below and then you'll be able to recognize it or else I am here to explain it anyway:
Spoiler
“Darling, you weren’t kidding when you said you’d wake up early to jump with Pacific, did you?” Kris’s father, Henry, set his newspaper on the table and looked up. Lifting his mug, he took a drink from his coffee.



I fake so much of my life that I have a hard time knowing what’s real and what’s not.” Kris looked down at her mother, Heather.


“Kris!”

Hearing her name, she turned back. Laura, her childhood friend, smiled at her and caught up to her by squeezing through the crowded hallway.
If you haven't understood why I have quoted these lines for you then I'd explain it. Every time you started a new part and had new characters to show you were always telling their name and their relationship with Kris. it's almost like spoon feeding the readers. Even if you do need to tell their relationship, I doubt you'd need to tell their names so soon. I mean, for her mother, knowing her name now wasn't necessary and if you've put it here, it's making the story look repetitive, so just watch out for sentences like these. What you need to sometimes do is twist the story and write it to make it a bit different and if you are always dashing the purpose straight forwardly, then it might not brew up your readers' interest and might damage his thinking power. Just don't come to point so soon, and don't try naming every possible object as soon as he/she makes an entry. I hope you get what I mean.

Other than this, I'd like to say that you've showed that all the high society girls are supposed to be dull and sophisticated. But there are many stories wherein the characters are rich spoilt brats. I don't want you to make Kris one of them but don't stereotype and show that the all the people are supposed to be like that. There are many who stay like that even in front of the people.

Also, you actually waited so long to tell us what exactly had happened to her mother. I am not sure if it was on purpose
or not, so I'll leave that up to you. And when she would be talking about her mother before she never seemed to be worried or there was never any kind of emotion inside of her. It was just like she named some grocery item and that was it. No feelings, no emotions. All these things actually indicated that you wanted to make it a surprise, but I think emotions should be there. Even if you show it in a concealing manner.

Other than that, I think your descriptions were perfectly toned in this chapter and neither did you overdo them and neither did you completely avoid them, so good job. I liked the descriptions in the last chapter also, but there was a same pattern so that's what I meant to say. I am just curious to know right now how this character, that is Kris, has committed a sin and how would she be punished. Also, I was wondering if you'd show each of the remaining five people in so detail, for if you would, it would be a great ride. :)

Hope this helps,
Shrubs

Keep Writing
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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It's meeeeeeeeeee!

Hai.

Okay, so I'm pretty sure you've edited this quite a bit since a lot of the reviews. I think you've done a really great job too! I didn't find Kris (used to be Vanessa, I assume) too perfect of anything. Unless I'm completely oblivious to everything, I'd definitely say you've done a good job of editing her character. Granted, she isn't stand-out amazing or anything, but she's interesting enough to read about. For me, anyway. All in all, really good job here, Punk.

Okay... critiques... (I'm bad at this part) I don't really have any major critiques really, but I do have one or two little things I picked up while reading this. The only thing near a bigger critique is probably the fact that, at times, parts of this felt a bit telly to me. You seemed to be giving us quite a bit of information and sometimes it felt too much like you were telling us rather than showing us. The way you sometimes told us about Kris's life, for example. The dialogue between Laura and Kris when they first see each other in school is a good example. Even though it was dialogue, parts felt like they were too... staged, I guess... My God, I suck at explaining.

Basically, it kind of seemed like you had Kris saying this stuff to Laura so us readers got some information about things rather than a general friend speaking to friend conversation. I may be a bit paranoid about this whole, to be honest, and knowing me, it's probably not a problem at all... but I thought I'd mention it because it did stand out to me a little. Honestly though, I think you're pretty much okay. Besides, this critique is probably completely useless anyway because I've explained it so badly. In fact, I'm purposely avoiding to read it back because I know I'll just confuse myself. >.<

Something else that bothered me a little is the scene with the mom (I'm using the Americaland word 'cause I'm cool.) It just seemed a little too... brief and stale for me, I guess. Some of what Kris thought and her dialogue showed that she was emotional about the whole thing, but I didn't really get emotion from it. The main reason for that, I think, is because it was so short. The scene that followed where you had Kris crying and all that jazz was perfectly fine, but it's when she was actually in the room with her mom (I smile whenever I type that because my computer underlines it as a spelling error) that bugged me. You may not want to make it longer because you're worried the chapter will drag on, but please don't think that. I mean, seriously? Have you seen the length of my chapters? So yeah, just a little something to think about. :)

The only other issue I have is only minor. Basically, when Lavira comforted Kris at the end, I was kind of surprised that Kris didn't get at least a little bit suspicious of her. She'd spotted her twice already and seemed worried and shocked about it, so I'd have thought Kris would have remembered her face. Mind you, if she only got a few glances of Lavira, I guess she wouldn't have recognised her as such. If so, I think you could maybe at least mention a familiarity in Lavira, but not so much that it worries Kris, I guess. That's not a huge issue at all, but yeah, have a think about it. ^_^

All in all, a really good job, Punk! I'm intrigued!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Hi, PSW! :D

I like the beginning of this, but there's something about referring to her horse as 'the' which just doesn't seem quite right, I think that you could quite easily bring Pacific's name in a little earlier, although I guess I can see that you might have been worried about getting pronouns mixed up with them both being female.

A grin extended over her face as she continued to gallop slowly.


A gallop isn't slow?

Kris smiled at her Dunalino colored horse.


I get that dunalino is an equine term, but I think with things like that you've got to hit the balance between terminology and what your readers are going to know. I have no idea what kind of colour that is so I had to hit it up in google, and even then it only returned ~40k results, which really isn't that many in the grand scheme of things.

Her head slanted as she made out a woman standing across the street with a red umbrella. Her face was hidden but she knew the woman was looking at her.

Kris seems to tilt her head a lot ;) I think it's one of those actions that we all fall into at times, something interesting so we'll crook our head (goodness knows I do it too). Also, it seems a little hard to believe that even though she's sitting by the window, she's able to tell that the figure is watching her through the rain and the traffic and across the street with a face that's hidden.

Also, I'm not sure if you've mentioned this earlier and I've just been dense and missed it, but has Kris been seeing the figure for a while now, or just these two times? If it's the latter, it seems like she's getting a little too paranoid in a short space of time (although I guess it's not paranoia if they're actually out to get you! :P)

Kris looked down at her Heather.

It just sounds to... I don't quite know the word for it, possessive? I think it sticks out to me because it's the same way that Kris was referring to Pacific (her Pacific) like she's a possession or an object, rather than her mother.

She was a very tall lady, like a model and had skin like the sunset on a beach.

Like the sunset on a beach? I don't understand D: the first thing that comes to mind is that mixture of oranges and purples and pinks that you get, but I get the feeling that it wasn't quite what you had in mind.

The woman was utterly gorgeous that even girls would get lost in her deep chocolate eyes. It was like falling into a pit of soft, fat-free fudge.

If it's like her eyes are meant to be delicious and decadent, why fat-free? Unless it's some kind of product that we don't get over this side of the pond. (Is a fat-free fudge even possible?)

Finally pushing herself up, she took a step but every muscle screamed in protest. Suddenly her mind went blank, her vision blurred and she fell into what seemed to be a dark endless pit.

At the moment, this ending just seems a bit too clichéd. Muscles screaming, endless pit of darkness etc. I don't know, in my experience passing out is actually quite a soft affair and most of the panic comes when you suddenly wake up on the floor and find that you've nutted your head on something.

At the moment, this all feels rather bloated and moves slowly as a result, like the story is dragging its heels. The way some things are phrased reminds me of what I'm like when I'm in an exam and I start wording things in the manner that is going to take up the most space possible. It seems like you mention a lot of little details which while are interesting on one level and show that you've put a great deal of thought into the world you're creating and the back-story for your characters, they also slow everything down and take some of that snappy rhythm and flow that you want to keep things going at a nice pace. I get that this is a pretty slow chapter, but it just seems like it's been taken a bit too far.

In relation to that, I'm one of these people that doesn't like there to be too much description of characters, far too often I'll have built up an image of what they look like in my head, and then the author goes into detail about what they look like, and that illusion is shattered. I would keep that kind of description to a minimum unless it's something that's a readily important or identifying feature.

There are some other things that just don't seem to add up quite properly either; from what her father says it sounds like Daniel and Kris already know each other, and while he's described as not being "the best looking chap in the world but [with] his own quirks that made him attractive", this again seems like the pair of them are already acquainted. This doesn't really marry up with the conversation that they have in the car, as it seems very much like a first meeting with all the formalities of names and whatnot.

Anyway, I hope that I've been helpful and what not :D I've the terrible feeling that I've been very negative, but you've still got me very much hooked into this story (I'm quite excited about getting to meet Crosse again). If I've not explained anything well enough, well, I'm sure you know the drill ;D


- Tinny
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)



“And how shall I think of you?' He considered a moment and then laughed. 'Think of me with my nose in a book!”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell