Swan Song (9)

Dear Diary,

Iluve is in big trouble! Lin tried to wake up the little girl, but she was asleep, so I told Lin that Iluve had put some of Daddy’s medicine in and Lin got really mad at her and started yelling at Iluve.

I feel really bad. Daddy never yelled at us unless he was afraid that we were going to get hurt. One time, he yelled at me to not touch the hot kettle. I didn’t touch it and I didn’t get hurt, but he only yelled when he was afraid for us. I know that other mommies and daddies yell at their children, but I didn’t think Lin would because she was always so nice to me.

Now Iluve is really mad at me and Lin is mad at both of us. She said that if something like that ever happened again, we should tell her so that she could handle it.

While the little girl was asleep, Lin bathed her and put her in some clean clothes. We don’t have many clothes left. I only had one dress, since I couldn’t pack any when Eurodities and I left, and that dress was destroyed because of everything else that happened, so Lin threw it out. I am wearing Iluve’s clothes and Iluve is wearing Lin’s clothes. None of the clothes fit properly, but Lin promises that she’ll find some fabric and sew us some new dresses soon.

~

Dear Diary,

The little girl woke up this afternoon and Lin is talking with her now. Iluve and I tried to listen to their conversation, but we could only hear the little girl’s voice. She doesn’t want to give out her name, she only wants to talk to Daddy, and she has something very important to say to him. She says that if Daddy is not all right now, she can come back later, but she would like to talk to him soon because it is a very important matter.

Lin brought me in for a bit because she thought the little girl might talk with me, but the little girl seemed very scared of me. I don’t know why. I think it’s because she knows I am cursed. She asked me if I had a cousin and I said no. Then she seemed very worried and asked if she could leave, but Lin wanted to talk with her so now they are still talking.

I am with Daddy now. He is very quiet and I don’t want to wake him up.

Maybe the little girl wants to talk with Daddy because she knows that he will help her. He is a good daddy, so I am sure he would help her.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin doesn’t think she has a home because she doesn’t smell good at all. We don’t have a lot of room for another little girl, and besides, Lin said that the little girl didn’t seem to like us anyway. So Lin offered to take her to an old widow’s place so that she could help out the old widow. The little girl agreed to that, so now they are going to the old widow’s place.

Daddy has been sleeping a lot lately. Lin says that it’s because of the medication, but he will be better soon.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin seemed really upset when she came home today from the flower shop. She didn’t say why, but she kept on looking behind her back. She locked all the windows and doors and she made sure to close the fireplace. I don’t know why she is so nervous. I hope she feels better soon!

~

Dear Diary,

Lin says we aren’t to go outside at all today or open the windows or anything. She is very nervous. I wish we could. It is so beautiful outside that I think it would be a sin not to open up the windows.

Daddy is still really sleepy. He still can’t move without help and he’s very confused. He asked me where Granid was again. I wish he would stop doing that.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin says a strange man keeps going to the flower shop. She says he doesn’t say anything, but he just looks at the customers. People are avoiding going to the flower shop because he is very scary. I hope he leaves soon.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin is at the flower shop, so I am watching Daddy today. He woke up for a little bit and he seemed really confused, so I stroked his hair and sang him a couple songs. I think that calmed him down. He asked me where Uclepidies was, but I didn’t know what he was talking about. I am worried.

I told him that Uclepidies was safe, but I don’t think he really understood me. He went to sleep afterwards and he hasn’t woken up yet.

I am glad Lin is coming home soon.

~

Dear Diary,

I am so upset! Iluve said that Daddy won’t get better. She said his heart stopped and that’s why he’s so sick. She says he’ll never move properly again.

I hope she’s wrong. I don’t know what I would do if Daddy could never move properly again. We used to make dinner together, and it was so fun. If he can’t move, then we’ll never make dinner again.

No wonder Iluve is mad at Daddy for stealing all of Lin’s money! If Daddy can’t move, then Lin will have to take care of all of us and it will be very hard. I am very worried. What if Lin finds out about him being so hurt? I hope she will be very nice to us.

I will offer to work. I know I won’t make as much money as Daddy, but maybe I can help, especially when Daddy is so hurt. That way, Lin doesn’t have to feel so burdened.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin says that Daddy will get better. She says his heart stopped, which is why he is so sick now, but he will get better as long as he is treated right. She says her own daddy had something similar happen to him, but he was able to move after several Feedings. I asked her how he was now, but she said she didn’t know because her daddy had disowned her, but she thought he was still alive.

I think that must be sad to have a daddy that doesn’t want you anymore. I asked her why her daddy had disowned her, and she said that it was because she wouldn’t marry any man that showed her anything less than respect.

She said that when she had first met Jerno, Iluve's daddy, she had fallen in love with him because he was very nice and treated her with gentleness and respect. Though her own daddy hadn’t trusted him, she trusted him absolutely and did whatever she could to please him. Shortly after he started wooing her, she found out that she was pregnant with his child.

She was very afraid to tell her daddy about it because she knew he would be very angry with her since he did not approve of the match at all. Because of this, she decided to tell Jerno first. She thought he would support her, since he had been so nice to her before, but she was wrong. When she told him, he grew very angry with her, called her a lying whore, and hit her when she was trying to explain herself because of her lying mouth. Then he disappeared.

She was very heartbroken, but there was nothing she could do, so she told her daddy what had happened and he was very mad at her. Since Jerno had disappeared, she could not marry him, but her daddy assembled a group of men who she could choose from since she had to marry or else she would live in disgrace as a fallen woman. Her daddy gave her a big dowry, since she was ruined, and many prestigious men came to woo her. However, when she met them, she realized most of them were cold men who only wanted her for her daddy’s money. They had many mistresses and spent a lot of time with courtesans and did not need her any way, except to look merciful for supporting such a ruined woman and for the money that she would provide for them. They would not care for her or her child, and it broke her heart. She tried to talk with them and develop a relationship with them that was civil, but she realized that by doing this, she would ruin her life far more than Jerno ever could and doom herself to a loveless life.

If she rejected her suitors, she would be disowned and have nothing, but if she accepted a suitor’s offer, she would become nothing. For a long time, she struggled with this dilemma. She hoped a suitor would come who would love her, but her daddy pushed her relentlessly to choose, since her belly was rounding with her child quickly. There was not enough time to wait, so finally she chose none of the suitors. Her daddy was very angry at her decision and he disowned her.

I thought it was very mean of him and I was very mad at her daddy, but Lin told me not to be mad. She said she was mad at first, because of how much she suffered when she first struggled with supporting herself, but she said that through this suffering, she learned so much and she is so grateful for the experience, even though it hurt. She said that it really made her appreciate everything that she had and she is glad for Iluve, even though she is sad that she had to bring Iluve into such a hateful world.

Eurodities said something similar too, about bad experiences becoming good. It made me feel homesick. I don’t know where she is, but I hope she is all right. I hope she’ll come by soon. Archondid and she were talking about how Lin would be such a nice wife, so I am sure they would be really pleased to see what has happened, though I don’t think they’ll be happy to know that Daddy is so sick.

Maybe Lin’s daddy will want to see her now that she is married and there is no disgrace. That might be really nice. Maybe he’ll even give her the dowry that he offered before so that we won’t be so poor!

Lin and Iluve are talking right now about the flower shop, so I don’t want to interrupt them, but I will ask Lin about working soon. That way, Lin won’t change her mind about Daddy and think he’s just after her money. He can’t work right now because he is so ill, so I can work in his place, until he feels better. That way, Lin won’t be mad at Daddy.

~

Dear Diary,

I talked with Lin today about working and she told me not to worry. She said that she understood that Daddy was very ill and she was willing to work through that difficulty. Sometimes, he hurt her feelings, but she knew that it was the illness talking and not him, so she didn’t mind. She said she wanted me to rest, because I was just a little girl and she wanted me to enjoy myself. Then she gave me a big hug and said that I had gone through so many difficulties already and the least she could do was to help me through more. It made me cry, but she was there and she held me. It was really nice.

With the money she had earned, we would be comfortable, and though we might have to sacrifice a bit, we would be all right. She said that if I wanted to help, she would teach me how to look after money and budget. That sounds fun and I would love to help, so I said yes. She said she would teach me soon.

The little girl came back to check on daddy and to give back Iluve her clothes, but she left when she heard that daddy was still sick. She still seems very scared of me, but she seemed like she was doing better. She didn’t look as hungry. Lin says there is something strange about the little girl, but she won’t say what.

Tomorrow, Lin will be getting furniture. She says that while she wants Daddy to help choose the furniture, he seems to be really sick and she wants us to be comfortable while Daddy is recovering. I am glad. It will be nice to sleep in a bed again.

Lin says that she’ll teach me about money and budgeting once the furniture comes in so that way she’ll have a nice desk to teach me on. I think that will be very nice! I asked her if she would get new storybooks too, since the only one we have is very mean, but she said that storybooks were very expensive and we didn’t have enough money right now to spend on those sorts of things.

I wish we did. I think it would be nice to have as much money as we needed. When we were living at home, Daddy had everything he needed because he had such a big store and we could take what we liked if people didn’t buy it right away. We were very lucky! Now, we are not so lucky.

~
This is the revised Hoas's story:

*

Dear Diary,

Something strange happened today. I was alone with Daddy and then the little girl came back. She asked me if Daddy was better and I said he was, but he wasn't ready to speak. So then the little girl asked if Lin or Iluve were around, and I said no. Then she asked if she could come in because she wanted to speak to me alone. I didn't think anything bad would happen because she has been in our home before, so I agreed and let her in.

Then she asked me again about my cousin. I told her that I didn't have a cousin. So then she asked me whether I knew if I was born legitimately, because maybe I had a cousin that I didn't know about. I was upset, so I asked her why she kept on asking me these things and then she apologized. She said that my cousin cursed me and she needed to talk with my daddy and me and beg for forgiveness, otherwise, she would be cursed forever. I was very upset by this, so I told her that she must be mistaken because I had no cousin and maybe she had mistaken me for someone else.

She said,"You are Solea, correct?" When I said yes, she said, "And your father. He is the father of both Granid and you, is he not?" I said yes, of course. So then she gave me a low bow and said, "You do not recognize me because of my curse. I am Hoas."

I was really, really surprised and I thought she was joking at first and being mean, but the more I questioned her, the more I was sure that she really was Hoas because she knew things that nobody else would know. So I asked her, or him, what had happened and she told me her story. She said that a woman came to him in a dream and had cursed him to be a little girl. When she woke up, at first she thought it was just a dream and he wasn't really a little girl, but then she realized it wasn't a dream. So she snuck out of bed before his wife and children would notice, and ran away.

The woman in the dream told him that she should go and apologize to us before she would undo the curse, so she has been trying to apologize to us ever since. She says he has been looking for us for a long time, but she wasn't able to find us at first because Daddy got sick and we were evicted. Then she says he got sick too. She says that the only reason why she learned that we were alive was because she looked at one of the newspapers floating around before she used it as a blanket. She says he saw the marriage notice and tried to find us.

She says she has had a very hard time as a little girl, and she says that she is sorry for taking advantage of me. She says she understands what it's like to be desperate and hungry and cold, so she is sorry for making me do things that I shouldn't do. She says that, at the time, she thought that I didn't mind what he did, but now that she has been hungry and cold, she understands that what she did was wrong. She says many people have taken advantage of him and she has been very hurt, but she let himself be hurt because she was so hungry that she would have done anything for food. She says she will never do anything like that to anyone ever again and that all she wants to do is be with his wife and family and love them as best as she can.

After she said all this, she fell to my feet and kissed the floor and begged for forgiveness. It felt strange. I forgave her at once, of course. Daddy was not mad at him, so I won%u2019t be mad at him, and besides it seems like she has suffered much. But she did not turn into a man after that, which she was very disappointed in. She asked if she could see Daddy, but I said no because he was very ill, and then I described what had happened. She seemed really upset. She said all this mess was her fault and if she had only respected the boundaries, everything would be fine and there would be no problem.

I didn't know what to say to this. She is right, in a way, but I don't think that she can be responsible for everything. Sometimes bad things just happen.

She said that the widow that we had placed him with was fine and she treated him kindly, so at least she is safe and sound. She gave his best wishes to my family and then she left.

I don't know what to think of this. It seems so strange. I don't think that I have a cousin. I think the dream lied. The woman who said those things seems to be very wicked and cold, so I think she might have lied. Maybe the dream wasn't real, but if it wasn't, then why would Hoas be a little girl?

Maybe the little girl is lying and she's not really Hoas. But I don't see why you would lie about that sort of thing. She didn't ask anything from us. We gave her things, but not because of who she was. She had no reason to lie.

I wish Daddy was feeling better. I have so many questions to ask him, but he is still asleep.

I will not tell Lin what happened today. She doesn't like Hoas, so I think the story would upset her very much.

~

Dear Diary,

The expensive medicine that the last doctor gave us that seemed to work is only alcohol. Lin found out when the furniture mover knocked it over and she smelled it. She is very upset right now.

I don’t think Daddy is going to get better.

Cheers!
Quite a helly long chapter you've got here, but it's quite the length you'd find in a real book. I haven't read many of the previous chapters, I prefer to go for topics that have no posts yet, so my knowledge over the whole matter is just this one chapter. There isn't much for me to point out in grammar, more accurately nothing, so I'll start with impression.

At the beginning the whole deal looks like a story told through a small girl, the simple sentences and way of describing matched the feeling of a "child's storytelling", just one would have to imagine a quite pretty wise kid to write diary like that. I'm not really sure of the age, so my image of the girl was jumping forth and back as your sentences at times were quite beyond a normal capability of a small kid, then at times so simple I could imagine a really small kid. It just seems I really lack that detail in my mind.

Most of the diary notes were quite realistic, they weren't really long, they had enough information a kid would remember and could write down, so they really had a childish feeling and I could hear a small girl's voice in my mind, however, when I got to that huge diary notes I had sometimes to let go of the childish atmosphere and be an observer, especially in Hoas arc. At those moments I just had to be a reader of a fiction book, because the length and depth of details were not really exceptable from a small girl in just one day of hearing, let alone a normal person - we do not have such an awesome memory. Don't look surprised at me, I just try to feel the atmosphere. At those huge diary notes I was just a reader, I knew this is a novel and I couldn't really feel the atmosphere of a small girl's world anymore - I just read, seeing a much more depthful and wise mind behind all this writing, no longer the girl's.

The arc about Dad's stopped heart was still not that troublesome, even though the atmosphere was disappearing, many words used and sentence build made me smile just to imagine how childish it is at times, but I completely lost the atmosphere when I got to Hoas' arc. That is not something a common sense of mine believes a small girl could write after hearing so much in a short moment, I left her mind and was kind of "listening to a different narrator".

Aside all the atmosphere deal and whatnot, the chapter gives off quite a... Well, childish, yet mysterious and a cruel, dark appeal. From reading it just once, I expect some real mystery to be solved soon, a good way or a bad way. However, I do not feel like rereading it; it doesn't have that kind of grasp, but after going through all those small arcs and then reading the finishing line about alcohol, I'm not any resistant to read more. That last arc with alcohol kind of grabs one mind, it made me think over a few scenarios, it does make one interested to read more - so I think the chapter is finished well.

Although I do not have the luxury of reading much more to understand your whole story better, I hope this small insight of mine on this one chapter will be of at last small help. I really think you're up to something interesting, this could have a certain degree of potential, even though I have to shamefully say, this isn't any kind of masterpiece. I'll be looking forward to seeing another chapter of this so I can establish my overall opinion better. Best of luck at writing! You've got what it takes to be a really good writer, as the time passes I'll expect to see you appear elsewhere than just YWS.

Best regards,
Kyou~

Snoink, tis me!

Okay, well, this was an interesting chapter. Interesting in many ways. As in Hoas' adventures. My issue is actually something Kyou mentioned.

Sometimes, Solea sounded very very young. Very childlish. Her thoughts were maybe a step above a toddlers' and that's being generous. Other times, her diary entries were lengthy and profound. Considering how Lin's always watching out for her, would she really tell Solea that her father called her a whore? And why does Solea know what a Whore is?

Also, did I misunderstand or did Lin say that her daddy or Solea's daddy would be fine after a couple of Feedings? Weren't feedings only for Black Swans? Or did I simply misread that whole part?

Have you decided whether some of the journal entries would be made from some other point of view? I can't wait to see where this is headed so keep up with the great work!

Tanya

Wow this chapter was filled with a lot of things.
I mean, wow. Hoas freaking turned into a girl?
Who is her cousin? Her father has a sister? I'm so confused!

Okay, I remember I once said something about her voice staying the same and never actually really growing up. She's a year older now and after experiencing all that she's experienced I think it's right if you upped her level of thinking a little bit. I'm kid of a bit tired of listening to the same voice that never really changes a bit.

I have a lot of questions so hopefully you write the next part soon. I'll be waiting to read it. Sorry about this review being rather short, I don't have much else to say. The dreams were really interesting and I'm glad Hoas learned his lesson by walking in the same shoes as Solea. There's no better way to learn something than doing it yourself. lol

-Pink

Holy crap! That chapter is really long! :O It's like amazingly freakishly long! Pahahaha but this time I didn't feel like jumping ship, so it was okay I was seriously surprised when you said that little girl was Hoas O.o but then I read about everything that happened to him and my first thought was "YES!!! HAHA!! Bastard! ;P" but then my second thought was ".... Why are all of the tailors pedophiles? O.o" oh wow this was long and tiring to read. I had to stretch after I was done!! :O but it was very well written and I'm glad that Solea's diary entries are getting longer.

I really hope her father gets better soon! He's making me nervous. And he's paralyzed because of a heart attack?! :O You seriously hate this girl, don'tcha?! :O You're evil ;P lol

I'm finally seeing the Bastard Princess story being tied in here! But I never expected the evil witch to be Solea's imaginary long lost cousin O.o very interesting.

Lin says that Daddy will get better. She says his heart stopped, which is why he is so sick now, but he will get better as long as he is treated right. She says her own daddy had something similar happen to him, but he was able to move after several Feedings. I asked her how he was now, but she said she didn’t know because her daddy had disowned her, but she thought he was still alive.

There are two thing I see wrong with this paragraph. First of all, wouldn't things like memory loss, paralysis, and the way her father is confusing people be more consistent with a stroke, and not a heart attack? I don't know, I've never had either and I'm not a doctor/medical student but all of these things seem more consistent to brain damage (though I could very well be wrong). The second thing is where it says "She says her own daddy had something similar happen to him, but he was able to move after several Feedings." there's something I don't get here. You're talking about Lin's dad, right? Does that mean that Lin's dad is a Black Swan? Because only Black Swans have "Feedings" right? Or did you just mean a general "feeding" like food? ... For people? Or did I just confuse myself?

I'm kind of sad that this is the last chapter you have posted at the moment! I hope to read more soon!

Haha, don't worry! I'll add more soon!

He did have a stroke! But I think I was trying to avoid medical terminology here to maintain a more fantastic feel, so it's just described as his heart failing. Which is kind of true because a stroke is when the brain doesn't get enough blood. A bad thing! And it's caused by high blood pressure and stress. Poor Daddy! D:

Also, I KNOW. Here, you get the feeling that witches aren't really evil and that people are just being silly and then BAM. WTF? Maybe there's a reason why Daddy never talked about his sister...if he actually has one at all! Maybe evil witches actually exist! Maybe this is intrinsically tied in with the bastard story! Maybe this is the reason why she's cursed! Maybe...!

Or maybe I am misleading you, lol. BUT. I promise, in a couple of chapters, I will do my best to tie up all the loose threads with each other. But Daddy has a whole lot of explaining to do.

You two bring up good points about Solea being too good of a writer, lol. I know I used to tell these kinds of awful stories to my sister when I was this age (but with more torture and less sex) so I know it's possible to retain these stories! Remember, this is an idea I started when I was eight. XD But to write them down? That's a little more difficult. However, there is a reason for this! And, I kiiiind of want to spoil it now, but it'll be revealed in a couple of chapters, so I suppose you can wait. But trust me on this and stay tuned!

As far as whether the diary format is going to end soonish (as I kind of hinted at in the official club of this novel, which you should totally join if you have gotten this far and you haven't joined this club already!) I am pretty sure it will in a couple of chapters. You'll see why. Hopefully, it'll make sense when it does, lol. That doesn't mean that Solea's not going to be a huge part of this story -- clearly, she is! But, there is something kind of big coming up and it would be much too frustrating if you were only confined to her perspective.

Gah, these people can not catch a break, can they?

He asked me where Uclepidies was

Black Swan?

She said his heart stopped and that’s why he’s so sick.

She says his heart stopped, which is why he is so sick now, but he will get better as long as he is treated right.

These two lines, which say basically the same thing, are within sentences of each other. Just a bit repetitive that. Yeah, nitpicky, but there you go. I noticed.

Dude, was not seeing the "Hoas is a little girl" twist coming at all. So I guess that his subplot wasn't really wrapped up at all? On the edge of my seat about this...

Erm, even with the note about her doing her best to write down the story as best she could, I still found Hoas's story a bit specific. I mean, there was literal dialogue remembered. I just sort of realized that (and congrats to you for it taking me this long to notice) there is hardly any dialogue in here. It's just Solea going "they said this" and "she said that" type thing. It works just fine. So dialogue (like in the fairy-tales) stands out. And here, she is telling about something she presumably only heard once. For her to remember the specific dialogue enough to put it between quotation marks seems a bit odd. Also, again (you're probably sick of hearing my broken record tirades on the subject) there goes the sex mentions again. I don't have a problem with the sex being mentioned (though Hoas is seriously a disgusting freak for talking about those parts of his dream to a little girl he had molested already) but again, Solea is pretty innocent. Why no questioning? (I'll probably stop mentioning this sooner or later. I think I might be beating a dead horse.)

~GryphonFledgling

Gah, these people can not catch a break, can they?

He asked me where Uclepidies was

Black Swan?

She said his heart stopped and that’s why he’s so sick.

She says his heart stopped, which is why he is so sick now, but he will get better as long as he is treated right.

These two lines, which say basically the same thing, are within sentences of each other. Just a bit repetitive that. Yeah, nitpicky, but there you go. I noticed.

Dude, was not seeing the "Hoas is a little girl" twist coming at all. So I guess that his subplot wasn't really wrapped up at all? On the edge of my seat about this...

Erm, even with the note about her doing her best to write down the story as best she could, I still found Hoas's story a bit specific. I mean, there was literal dialogue remembered. I just sort of realized that (and congrats to you for it taking me this long to notice) there is hardly any dialogue in here. It's just Solea going "they said this" and "she said that" type thing. It works just fine. So dialogue (like in the fairy-tales) stands out. And here, she is telling about something she presumably only heard once. For her to remember the specific dialogue enough to put it between quotation marks seems a bit odd. Also, again (you're probably sick of hearing my broken record tirades on the subject) there goes the sex mentions again. I don't have a problem with the sex being mentioned (though Hoas is seriously a disgusting freak for talking about those parts of his dream to a little girl he had molested already) but again, Solea is pretty innocent. Why no questioning? (I'll probably stop mentioning this sooner or later. I think I might be beating a dead horse.)

~GryphonFledgling

Hoas is the little girl. That was unexpected. Like Fledge said, it's hard to believe specific dialogue would be remembered from Hoas's dream, as 1. Hoas probably wouldn't remember word for word, and 2. Neither would Solea. But then again, she's proven to be very mature for her age in the last nine chapters. Actually, I've forgotten how old she is. Seven? Eight? Nine?

I don't have specific nitpicks for this one. Onto the next!

As a sidenote: I am probably going to make Hoas's story a lot more general and vague soon, lol. I'll put the full story later off, when Hoas actually gets the chance to tell it. ^_^

Hi,
Good job.
Farewell,
A.

Just a note, this has been revised!