Being Beautiful Hurts

Hey Shadiqua!

Okay, first of all, this is really, really bright and unreadable! I don't know about you, but when I read my stories, I really like it when it's black on some sort of off-white or light gray. It makes it very readable. So, consider changing the format here.

Okay! Now for your story!

I want to read more! I mean... what's going to happen to her?! And him!? She's probably in high school still. Three weeks pregnant isn't a bad thing really. She may be feeling slightly sick and stuff, but she wouldn't be showing, so maybe she can graduate high school without being too humiliated by the experience.

Also, Damien? Come on! Asking if its his? Not cool. Damien strikes me as pretty immature, lol. I don't think he's her sweetheart at all! He seems to be scum of the earth to me! D:

Anyway, the fact is that you need to continue more! And, you need to post it in black text. It's really hard to read as it is now!

Hi!

First off, I'm going to agree with Snoink that the color here is a little bit distracting. People expect to see black (or at least dark) lettering, so if you do anything else it's sort of like you're trying to make a point of doing things differently, and I don't think you are. Plus, it's kind of hard to look at. >.<

Other than that, I think you're off to a good start. I like that you're already starting to give us a sense of your characters. This is really short, and you've already managed to connect me with both her and Damien. I already understand her situation and I already feel for her. It's not easy to do that in so few words, so very good job!

I can't really say much about this, because it's so short, but one suggestion I have would be to make this less technical and more emotional. It's a prologue; I assume there will be many more chapters after this, so I'd make the prologue be about connecting the reader to your character emotionally and leave the technicalities for later. For example, we don't really need to know just yet that Damien is a Quarterback, and what school he goes to. We can figure that stuff out as the novel progresses. If you put it in the prologue, it just sort of clogs things up with unnecessary information.

Also, your descriptions feel a little bit like they'd rather be in third person than first. I know you want to give the reader a good idea of what your character looks like, but try and only include things in this that the character would actually be thinking. For example, if you were in her situation, would you be thinking about what color your hair is and what you look like? Maybe a little, I guess, but I don't think that would be the first thing you describe. Once again: I'd rather see the prologue be more about the emotions. You can get to the technicalities later.

Overall, nice! You're off to a good start. I recommend not posting the rest in pink, though, because it makes people not want to read/review it. xD

Feel free to PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions! Best of luck.

a

Hi! I have to say that this was a good start to the story. I don't know what everyone's talking about with your text and all. It was just as easy to read as black and seeing as pink's my favorite color, it made it all the better. Please continue!

I actually really enjoy the pink font. I feel like it gives off an essense (s.p) of her age, her life maybe. I dunno, I could be wrong. But I really reeeeaaally like this. PM me when you post more!

Love and other things,
fictionfanatic