Shadows

Think. Think way back. Think way back to your childhood. Now, try to remember. Remember those dreadful nights when you heard something crawling in your house. You would slowly, silently, pull the covers up to your chin while you cowered in anticipation of the next noise. You wait, and you hold your breath, and you ever so slightly shift in your bed, and you wait some more. Then it happens. The bump.

The bump, however silent it may be, resounds over and over in your head. A soundless scream comes out of your mouth. You rip the covers off of your bed and you make a mad-dash to your parents’ bedroom. You jump as high as you can in an attempt to land smack in the middle of their bed. You gasp for air while you attempt to get out the words “Mom!” and “Dad!” Your heart is about to jump up through your throat and out of your mouth. You feel a river running from your eyes down your cheeks and onto their now soaked comforter.

You beg them to let you sleep in between them for the rest of the night. An attempted explanation of your sudden outburst falls to deaf ears. Your parents just say “It’s alright, dear. Let’s go put you back to bed.” You feel your body be picked up by your dad. He carries you back to your room, holding you tight. He lays you down in your bed, then slowly and comfortingly pulls your covers up to your shoulder. “Sleep tight,” he whispers. Then he walks away and disappears in the darkness.

Now to this day you have always wondered what it was that caused you to cower in fear so many times in your childhood. Time for an explanation.

Creatures caused (and still do cause, for that matter) the bumps in the night. These aren’t creatures like rabbits, raccoons, birds, etc. These are beasts that fear the light and thrive in darkness. They live to haunt and terrorize. As soon as the lights go out, these creatures appear. They writhe, they crawl, they climb. Green eyes glint in the darkness. Pans get moved, dishes get knocked over, and you can hear the pitter-patter of their feet as they make it all over your house.

Even your parents would sometimes hear these bumps late at night. Your mom would say “Honey…I heard something. I’m scared.” Your dad then proceeds to rub his eyes, stretch, and silently tip-toe into the main part of the house. He flicks on the kitchen light: nothing; dining room light: nothing; living room light; nothing. He then goes back through the house, turning off each light one by one. The kitchen light, dining room light, and living room light all fade into darkness. As your dad turns around to walk back to bed, tons of green eyes glint back at him and watch him leave.

Hi there!

So, this was a really neat short story. You had a powerful atmosphere and were able to convey your image well. Your use of second person was excellent - saluting you for that. Although this is short, this was able to convey a lot of emotion and depth. I didn''t really have the monsters-under-the-bed scare when I was a little kid, although I was afraid of the dark! So this makes me think back and relate to "you" if it had actually happened. Have you ever read Calvin and Hobbes? Sometimes Calvin (who is six) imagines monsters under his bed, and his dad comes, always irritated- this is kind of what this reminded me of.

I guess that my main comment with this would just be that it feels a bit empty. Nothing really happens, and conflict is only implied at; I would like to be able to see where you can take this! You've got a neat premise. Okay, so the creatures are making noises. What are they eventually going to do? How is the kid going to be able to convince their parents that monsters really are there? Is there a kind of twist where they think they mean harm but they're really friendly (somewhat in the style of Monsters Inc.)?

I would also try to flesh out the characters more; right now, the parents could exist in any sort of story; it's okay if you want to be vague for now, but this really just needs something to make it stand out and be remembered. Although it's very well-written, I don't see myself coming back this as a favorite to read it or really remembering it. It's just about monsters, so you need take that, expand it, and make it your own. I go back to Monsters Inc.; the reason it was such a successful movie is it because it took a common childhood fear and grew on it, inserting memorable characters. Maybe you could describe what the monsters look like, where they're from and how they got there.

Anyway, that's all I really have to say; I hope that this doesn't seem too harsh, because you're a talented writer. Keep it up, and good luck with your revisions - feel free to drop me a note if you have any further questions.

~ Elinor

Wow, that was a really cool ending. I don't know what it was about this, but it seemed really artistic to me. Although I have to say, the title was what drew me in.

The description of the monsters and the scenario in general was great, and overall I just loved the simplicity of it. Great job, I really liked it!

Hey there. ^-^ So this was a pretty cool short story. You seemed to be very creative in the way you put everything into perspective. There was such a great mood to this as well. It was sort of eerie, although set in the idea of a home at nighttime where everything should generally be safe.

I think even though there were some many cool points to the way this was written - which was generally very clean - it might have been a little too simple in some way. It had its depth, but as Elinor put it, it's a bit empty in the aspect that there's not very much more going on other than the generalization of nighttime creatures mocking children's fears.

Don't get me wrong, I sort of like what you did here, I just think you could have probably done a little more with it. Gave it some more character. Something. Maybe make the setting a little more luminous and interesting. Make it seem as though the creatures are watching at all times as the telling of their existence is being brought up the way you've done it. But that's just an idea. I usually like to see more creativity with things like this. Especially with the description of the little creatures. I think you could have been more creative with that, added a little more to it in order to make things interesting.

But anyway, overall this was still very cool. ^-^ I like what you did with it, but hopefully my review will give you something to maybe think about or work on. I try to be as honest and helpful as I can with these things. (:

Hey,
I noticed you were new to YWS, and I just wanted to wish you good luck with your future writing and encouragment to review other's writing as well. my only nit-pick, without repeating the other reviewers that have already read this piece, is that the repitition in the beginning is bland and boring. I would just get rid of the: Think. Think way back. Besides neither of these are complete sentences anyway. If you have any questions or need another review feel free to ask

Have a great day,
Tiffany