My Guardian Dog 2 - Rewritten!

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Ok guys. I hadn't originally wanted to post this edited version because many of you have read it already. But I need feedback and motivation and who better than you?


Spoiler
Where we left off: Shanna, night shift clerk was almost robbed by one of her trusted customers when her guard dog Riley came to the rescue. :D


Chapter 2

“Shanna, can I ask you a favour?”
I turned at my boss’s voice, rubbing the band-aids on my arm. The cops had called him during the night to let him know about the attempted robbery. I’d insisted I was fine, but they had equally insisted.
He’d arrived in a panic and had remained with me at work for the remainder of the night. As he approached me, he was jittery, as if high on adrenaline.
“What’s up, Boss?”
He pushed his glasses back up his nose. “Look, I know you’ve had a rough night, but Travis hasn’t shown up yet and it’s half past seven.”
I snapped my head to the left and sure enough, Riley was sitting on the sidewalk, alert and tense, his head whipping left and right. He was looking for his owner who’d never been late before.
I turned my head back to my boss. “That’s unusual. I assume he hasn’t called?”
David shook his head. “No, and I was wondering if you’d take him home with you.” When he saw both my eyebrows shoot up, he added quickly, “We can’t leave him here; we don’t know if he’ll think he’s still on duty and we can’t have him going all ‘guard dog’ on us.” His green eyes pleaded with mine. “Please? We have cats at home, and I don’t know who else to trust. He knows you already.”
Biting my lip, I turned back to Riley. He looked brave and beautiful out there and I felt a tug at my heart; nobody should be forgotten or left alone. “Ok, but I need his food.”
David practically ran to the back as I made my way outside to Riley. “Listen boy,” I said, as I crouched beside him. “Travis isn’t here and we can’t leave you at the store, so I’m bringing you home with me.”
As if he completely understood my words, he whipped his head and met my eyes. I searched his steady gaze. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise.”
He rose on all fours, his tail wagging slightly, ears perked. His head was cocked as he regarded me, telling me without words that he trusted me.
“Has anyone ever told you that you act very un-dog like?” I muttered, as I rose from my crouch.
Riley seemed to grin at me. Before I could comment, and possibly make a fool out of myself, David walked out with a container of Riley’s food and his bowls. “You sure you don’t mind?”
“Nah, he won’t be any trouble.” I looked down at the big dog whose body reached my hip. Would he fit in my small car? Probably. I opened the back door and Riley jumped in right away. I settled myself in front, started the car and threw it into drive.
“Shanna, wait! I forgot to give you your mail.” He handed me a couple of envelopes through my open window.
“Thanks David! See you tomorrow.”
I noticed Riley looking at the mail scattered on my passenger seat and I smiled. “Curiosity killed the cat, Dog.” I smirked when Riley growled low in his throat. “What? Don’t like cats?”
He ignored me and I felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe he was just feeling abandoned and needed the familiarity of my voice. I could offer him that.
“Wondering why David gave me some mail?”
Slowly, Riley turned his massive toward me, his nose barely touching my shoulder. I glanced in the rear view mirror and met the dog’s gaze.
“You want the short version or the long one?” Riley cocked his head. “Okay, short.” I sped up as I hit the highway and cracked a window open so Riley wouldn’t suffocate in the back. “Let’s just say my parents were rather strict when I was young and wouldn’t allow me to go to the library or watch television or movies. It was years before that was allowed.”
I glanced at Riley before returning my gaze to the road. “Six years ago, I started dreaming rather vividly of magicians and gods, of worlds that didn’t exist and the people who lived in them. I didn’t tell my parents about the dreams because I knew they’d freak out. I wasn’t allowed a creative thought of my own: never mind vivid creative dreams.”
I was quiet for a moment, remembering my past. I hadn’t had a bad childhood, but a difficult one nonetheless. My parents seem to constantly make up new rules for no obvious reason.
I shook my head, gathering my thoughts. “The only time I seriously argued with my parents was several months into the dreams, when I thought I was going crazy. I needed a break from my life, from my parents and our house. I told them I wanted a job, and I started looking for one without their blessing.” I took the exit a little faster than usual and Riley yelped when he hit the door. “Sorry, Riley.”
I turned left at the stop. “I found the job I now have and I’ve been working there for five years. I started writing my dreams down on paper, and after a few months, I bought myself a laptop. I finished the book, found a literary agent renown for her discretion and sent her my first novel.”
Riley released an excited yip as I parked the car, grabbed my purse, the mail and his food, and then let him out. Thankfully, the landlord didn’t mind pets in the apartment; although I wasn’t sure she meant I could bring the King Kong of dogs home.
He ran in a circle before turning to me, ears pricked, head cocked. “More?” I asked, smiling. “Well, she accepted my story and found an editor right away for it. She also sold the three other novels I sent her and I have to admit my books have been selling fairly well.”
I led Riley into my first-floor apartment. I dropped my purse on the small bench in the hallway before heading for the kitchen to feed the dog. I felt a hard nudge in my leg and I spun around, “Hey!”
Riley had the mail tucked delicately inside his mouth which he had raised toward me as an offering. “Oh man! You bring the mail?” I smiled. “Do you fetch slippers, too? Fetch my slippers, boy. Fetch!” I made a shooing motion but he obviously didn’t get what I meant. I looked from the envelopes to Riley, then back again. I shrugged. Who knew what his habits were with his owner? Maybe he had to retrieve the mail or newspaper. Maybe he had to water the plants and mow the lawn.
I smiled at the mental image of this huge dog up on two legs pushing a lawn mower. Riley cocked his head, then nudged my leg again. I laughed. “Okay, I get it; I’ll open my mail.”
I scanned the letter quickly, a smile tugging at my lips. “She’s given me a deadline for my newest story,” I murmured, then looked over the letter. “She loves the proposal I sent her.”
I felt a silly grin on my face. It never got old, selling my ideas. I absolutely loved writing. “You see,” I told Riley in a conspiring whisper, “my full name is Shanna Cameron but I gave myself a pseudonym for my writing using the first letter of my name and last name. And so I go from Shanna Cameron, clerk in a gas station, to Shayna Cambridge, best-selling unknown author!” I laughed delightedly. “Ingenious, isn’t it?”
Riley jumped up excitedly, running back and forth, barking wildly. I cocked my head at the dog and realised, as he spun in circles trying to catch his tail that this was the first time I’d seen Riley actually act like the dog he was.
“Dog, you are weird,” I muttered.
I stretched and yawned until it felt my jaw was going to unhinge itself. “My identity is a secret: you mustn’t tell anyone.” I giggled, reached over and pat his head. I groaned low in my throat at the silky feel of it. Tentatively, I lowered my hand, caressing his neck and beneath his ears. Riley made a low sound that strangely resembled a cat’s purring.
“You like this, don’t you boy?” I murmured. Working my shift was a lonely experience, I knew that from the start. I longed for companionship but what I got was vicious degenerates whose idea of a good time was peeing on my car and throwing garbage cans at my window. The fact that they fuelled my writing was one of the reasons I stayed there. But if my career kept picking up, I wouldn’t need to stay there very long.
When Riley whined, I realised that tears were blurring my vision. If I was crying over something as stupid as my job, I really needed to head for bed.
With a last pat, I reluctantly pulled away from Riley and led him back out, waited until he’d done his business and offered a small prayer of thanks that I didn’t have anything to scoop up.
I headed for the shower, took a quick one and came out wearing my nightwear: a t-shirt and baggy shorts.
I didn’t particularly want Riley in the room while I was sleeping. I was afraid he’d wake me up if he roamed. But when I tried closing the door, he whined and pawed at it and I just didn’t have the heart to keep him out. He was probably as lonely as I was.
“Come on, then, but you lie down and don’t make a sound. And I really hope you don’t snore.” If worse comes to worse, I’d shoo him out.
The last thing I heard before falling blissfully asleep was the sound of Riley’s heavy breathing.




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Wifey!

I'm really happy you posted this. I was kind of aching to read some of you writing for a while so getting another glance at your rewritten novel is awesome. Okay, so I don't have very many nitpicks, in fact I don't really have one at all. I was going to say that maybe the whole 'explaining' the background information of your character was a bit telly but then again, it was a story she was telling to Riley so it's good.

So yeah, this is going to be a totally waste of space but who cares? I liked it before and I like more now and your writing always has this weird thing where it's just the right pace for me. Not too fast, not too slow...you get what you need down while applying description and all that fun fluffy stuff. :)

Also, is it weird that I keep picturing you as the MC of this? I see you sitting down and talking to Riley, I see you driving the car and being there in that gas station. xD I try to stop myself but I can't. So yeah...

Anyway, this was good and I want moar! MOAR! 8D

Sorry about this terrible review. It's not a review at all...but it's something to let you know that I was here.
xD

^.^)b
Much love
-Wife
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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That's really good! haha but what's stupid of me is that I read this before any of the other chapters heheh. I was too impatient xD
Now after reading that, I can't wait to read the rest :D You're a great writer

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So why not make the best of what we've been given with the short time we have on earth?
I like to live every day to it's fullest. (: And writing helps me do that...




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I will forever love this chapter as you posted it on a special date. ;D

Dunno if it's the fact that I've had, pfft, not many hours sleep, but it took me a minute to get what you were saying with:
I’d insisted I was fine, but they had equally insisted.
I wondered what they were insisting about, and remembered you were still talking about ringing the boss. I’d insisted I was fine and they didn't need to ring him, but they had equally insisted. Or I'd insisted I was fine, but they had equally insisted on ringing my boss. Or something like that. :/

“What’s up, Boss?”
Would she call him "boss" and not his name? I've never ever called my boss "boss". Haaa, also reminds me of the corny villain characters: "yes, boss".

Num, num, num.... AHA! I found it. (: (Was gonna mention this before when you first sent the chapters, but I couldn't see it anywhere.)
That’s unusual. I assume he hasn’t called?”
I have nothing to say about this, really, though... Except it so sounds so formal that it's quite funny...

That's all I've got for nit-picky pickiness, but I dunno if I was just swept into the story and missed anything else. XD One thing, remember when we were talking about how I thought that Shanna could've just put Riley in a supply closet or something--I'm so cruel--until Travis arrived and how you could've made it clearer that she HAD to take him home and I've forgotten what you said which cleared it all up...well, you didn't add it in here, Tanya!! ): And I can't remember what you said, but it made sense. :/ Damn, my memory is so shocking.

Um, I'm really running out of new things to say, Tanya. XD You already know that I love this, and it's amazing and such, so I'm just gonna leave you with 80% nitpicks and 15% nag aaaaand 5% loff. (: Though when you go posting chapter six it'll be 100% love. (: xxx
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

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Hereeeeeeeeee's Skinsy!

Okely-dokely, I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be, but hey, Ill give it a shot.

I think this is really neat, Tanya! :) I'm so tempted to read the non-edited version of this novel, but I'm trying to resist because I hate knowing what's going to happen... If I read the old version of this, I'll end up hating myself for it. Mind you, are you sure if you're going to post the rest of the edited version? If not, I probably will read the old version... but I really want you to post the new version! But hey, it's your call.

I really like Riley in this. He's so cute. :3 I also think you've done a great job with Shannah and Riley's relationship. Even though Shanna is all, 'I dont' want to take the dog home,' we can tell that she's actually rather fond of him. It's really sweet. I also like how she talks to him like he's human because it reminds me so much of my neighbour... She has a dog, and half of the time, I swear she thinks it's her boyfriend or something. Kinda creepy, but amusing. Obviously, your grammar and technicality stuff was spot on, and overall, a good piece!

As for nit-picks... the only real one I have for you is actually something Punk said. Even though it is being done through dialogue, I'm going to have to be a horrible person and disagree with Punk by saying that I think the part where Shanna explains her family life and such to Riley is a bit too telly for me. It felt like you had Shanna say it to Riley so that us readers get to know her quickly or something. I'm not sure what to suggest. I guess you could do it so that instead of Shanna giving all of her information to Riley in one big speech thingy, you could maybe just give it to us in small doses. You could add some of the information we get here into the first chapter even. If you really feel like you want us to know about Shanna in this one chapter though, then you could maybe just sprinkle it on us instead of all at once... if you get what I mean.

To be honest though, this isn't a huge problem, and I don't personally find revealing a character's background in one part a huge problem or anything. It's just that you may get other people who aren't keen on it. In the end though, it's your call, so do whatever you think works best. :)

Oh, and also, as for Emma's disappointment in you not saying why Riley couldn't' have just been shoved in a supply closet, which I suppose could be true... even if it is a little animal crueltyish. You could always do something as simple as mention how they don't want to leave the dog there in case someone else came and robbed the place or something, then the dog could get hurt e.t.c. Just something like that would be fine.

Awseome job, Tanya!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins
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Hey Mum! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to reviewing.

All right, so the main nitpick I have has already been mentioned I believe -- the part where Shanna tells Riley about her background. It's all very convenient and doesn't give the reader much to discover on their own regarding Shanna. It's a basically a cleverly concealed info-dump.

Plus, do people really talk that much aloud? To animals, or themselves? This may just be the quiet introvert part of me, but to regale an animal about my life just seems unlikely, no matter how human-ish the animal may seem. Again, I don't know if more talkative people would do that.

Anyway, that's all I've got to say. I'm really looking forward to seeing how different this story goes! I'm sorry if I sound harsh at all; believe me, I'm not looking for any schadenfreude from this. ;)

Love you! <3
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I'm the kind that pays better.
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A little late, but better late than never, eh? :3 So let's get to it, then!

I snapped my head to the left and sure enough, Riley was sitting on the sidewalk, alert and tense, his head whipping left and right.

'Snapped' is such a strong word, it makes the action sound really exaggerated and that doesn't fit it this situation. I think something like 'glanced' would fit better. I imagine her sitting there, pretty exhausted, and glancing over at where the dog sits, forgetting that his owner, in fact, hasn't shown up to get him.

“Shanna, wait! I forgot to give you your mail.” He handed me a couple of envelopes through my open window.

Why does he have her mail? That just seems really strange to me. Wouldn't she receive mail at her house/apartment/wherever she lives? There was a mention of Shanna telling why she was getting her mail from him, but then she never got that far in her story. Or she left it out. I want to know! Haha :)

I can't begin to describe how much I like this chapter. I love the change from the last draft to where she takes him home now. It gives their relationship (even if he's still just a dog right now) some time to develop a bit more. Plus, it gave a great way for her to give some background without infodumping! Yay no infodumping!

The only thing I can think to complain about is I feel this chapter could still use some fleshing out. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I want to see more interaction between Shanna and Riley in this scene as well as more interaction between them and Shanna's apartment. If that makes sense. xD Really, I feel like this chapter could handle being slowed down a bit, and we could see some more good showing description/action.

Again, love this chapter, love Riley and Shanna, love you. :3

Great revision, keep writing!

-Lauren-
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Rawr! I am here! :D

Okay, this was definitely not as intense, so you will be happy that I will not have a heart-attack soon. Or something like that. ;)

Anyway... this may just be me, but I think I've read wayyy too many romance novels that have to do with writers who get agents and all the jazz, so I am kind of hoping that her being a writer has something interesting that will add to the plot -- too often, it's not this way and it drives me crazy because it seems like such a gimmick.

In any case, something else that was weird for me was the switch between getting robbed and then how she is now. I mean, she's had time to cool off and everything, but it seems weird that she's so nonchalant about everything... maybe that's just me? I would probably wonder and pray for Eric though and be unhappy with what happen. There would be no stories about misunderstanding stories coming from my lips, in any case!

I really really love Riley. I think he's adorable. And I love how he shifts in this chapter from work dog to happy dog... I've seen service dogs on their time off, and they act just this way! It's adorable.

I'm not sure why this is in fantasy novels yet... I am assuming these dreams are more than dreams? ;)
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