Water Under The Bridge Chapter Three: Brooklynn

Brooklynn—
Anna is having a low blood sugar—something we both know all too well.
I’ve been a type one diabetic since I was nine. My pancreas shut down on me one day, making me sick as hell. I was thirsty, tired, nauseous, moody. My symptoms went on for almost a month before my mom took me to the doctor…my life changed, I changed, everything changed.
Anna’s problem is the opposite. She makes too much insulin and often goes low a couple hours after eating or—like right now—if she’s had too much caffeine or sugar. Since the day we both went low at color guard practice, we’ve joked we should just stick our pancreases in a blender and maybe it’ll come out healthy.
As she fumbles for glucose tabs in her locker, I notice her hands are sweaty and shaking. I push her aside, snatch the bottle off the shelve and snap the lid open. I hand her three of the sour chalky tablets.
“Thanks.” She takes them. “I’ll be okay. I shouldn’t have had all that…the strawberries and tea…that probably has sugar in it and a coffee this morning. It just spikes me, and then I drop really fast.”
I nod. “I know. Just chillax.”
But what I don’t say…what I will never say, is that I am jealous of Anna as she stands there sweaty and dizzy. I don’t feel my lows anymore and it’s my fault. Highs just scare the living crap out of me now. It’s been one year, five months, two weeks and four days since I became the New Brooklynn. And I have to keep that up before it all goes to hell again.
I can’t say any of this…so I close my eyes and focus on helping her.
Anna pops another glucose tab in her mouth and rubs her eyes hard. “Tell me more about—about this kid.” She says, but I can tell she’s getting wobbly. We both slide to sit on the floor, backs up against the wall. “Do you even know his name?”
I shake my head. “I told you everything I know…but I want to know more.”
“Me too.”
“And how about you and Ryan, I saw you talking all alone!” My voice edges to an excited squeal, but that damn pump is beeping in my pocket. I pretend it’s all good.
She shakes her head, but I’ve already seen the color rise to her cheeks. “You like him,” I continue. ”I know you like him. I saw the way you watch him march when we stretch.”
For the last two and a half weeks, the marching band and the dance team have practiced together. They march and play awesome music; we flip, spin, twirl ribbons, wave flags and cheer. And the whole time, Anna has had her eye on Ryan—and vice versa.
“Okay,” she admits, with a weak smile. “I do…you have to admit he’s pretty cute.”
“I dunno. But it’s great that you like him.” The pump beeps twice again, and I decide to see what it wants. Shit, my bolus didn’t go through. A wave of temptation washes over me…do I just cancel it? Do I just cancel it? My eyes mist over.
Anna nudges me. “Hey, you okay?”
I snap out of it…but the tears are about to fall. “Y-yeah. Um, I think the canula is kinked. I’m gonna go see if I can fix it. I’ll, um, be right back. F-feel better.” I get to my feet…I realize I’m shaking. One tear slips out—I make a beeline for the bathroom.
Thank god no one is there. I rush into the handicapped stall and fall to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. Curled up against the wall, pump in hand, on the edge of weak and strong. That damn pump beeps again: asks if I want to continue with the bolus.
I say no. For the first time in one month, one week and two days I say no.
I cry some more…I am so weak.

Okay, so this is gonna start kind of slow...Each character will get a chance to speak from their POV and their conflicts will come out. There is not a central conflict, per say, but each character must help the others overcome their personal burden that is holding them back from progressing forward as a young adult. They're all in high school. Anna and Ryan are sophomores, Brooke is a junior and Shawn is a senior

I read it. Emotion is always excellent, because words can only go so far.

I don't understand diabetes, though. If you put the disease's references into an elementary-level vocabulary, then the non-diabetic readers will be able to understand it, too.

Other than my debilitating lack of understanding concerning diabetes, this chapter matched the others in quality, so no comments there. Keep up this calibre of writing, and it'll be in the local library's teen-fiction section in no time!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Words will fail you."

Thanks a ton! I'll be sure to try and explain things a little more. This was originally posted in a forum of people who understand diabetes, so not as much explanation was necessary. Do you think I should I do a footnote type thing, or just incorporate the information into the text?

Definitely not footnotes! It'll be hard to incorporate explanations of diabetic terms into your text, but if you do it, people will understand it better.

Ooh! Suggestion. What if you described her surprise from learning about her condition (maybe in a flashback). That way, the setting could be a doctor's office, and the doctor could explain the disease's effects. From there, you could launch into an in-depth understanding of the characters' emotions (by showing their reactions).

You don't have to do this, of course, but if you gave a textbook rundown of the disease, people would get bored, so stay away from footnotes or scientific discourses. Just show what it's like emotionally and, along the way, explain the disease's effects with common figures of speech.

Ooh! Suggestion #2. What if you described diabetes's effects using dialogue between diabetic and non-diabetic characters. For instance, she could explain her condition to a fellow student, etc.

It won't be hard. In fact, I think I did that later in the text. And the second suggestion will show up later on, but I will for sure explain it. There is a reason she isn't telling her friends!

Again this goes in the order of the text. I hope this helps.

A low blood sugar--?

What? I think you are missing a word.

You are telling us about Brookelynn. That’s good but to add more to the story you could describe how she feels, what she felt like when she was nine, things like that. It’ll give us more incite to your characters.

…my life changed, I changed, everything changed.

“My life changed. I changed, everything changed.”

I can’t say any of this…so I close my eyes and focus on helping her.

Maybe say “so I take a deep breath and focus on helping her” because closing her eyes wouldn’t help.

Color guard! That’s what they are in…I didn’t know that until the 3rd chapter. I think something wrong with that(; And I also didn’t know that Ryan was in band. Make sure you put this stuff in earlier. It’s not that you don’t tell it’s that you keep talking about things like color guard and you do it too vaguely. Again with the pump, I don’t know what that is! Tell me I need to know(:

Medical terms, what is a canula, a bolus? I don’t know any of this stuff. Letting us know this stuff in small doses is a good thing but tell us specifically what all the things dealing with their problems are because more than likely you are going to have to bring it up again and the readers need to know about them. The bolus thing is important obviously because she cancels it. Is it like her insulin? Does she have a tube-y thingy? I don’t know what it’s called…my brain froze but I think I know what it is. But then again I’m not sure and that’s not what you want to happen.

Ages. Yeah, we need to see them in the writing. Don't rely on a footnote especially one that is three chapters in to tell us what grades they are in. I think you mention Shawn's age but I might just know it because I read that back story. Make sure you say or drop hint. I know I've said that before but I want to make sure you do it(;

Overall I want to see where this goes because as you can tell I have no idea about these diseases and the difficulties of living with them. That’s another reason I like your writing because you are reaching people about stuff that they have never thought about.

I was sure I mentioned color guard earlier! I'll fix that. Is it important to know that Ryan is in band earlier than that? Medical terms: I'll work on that. I forget not everyone is the medical nerd that I am, so I'll go through and try to define things. It's just different to do from Brooke's POV than 3rd person, because she wouldn't do that. Ages! Yeah I'll do that. I didn't realize how much I relied on my footnotes until now!
and thanks for the complements. I'll edit so I can clear up any confusion, and fix the grammar things. Thanks for reviewing

This was pretty good, but certainly not as good as previous chapters. In short, it could be made better by being made more clear. I was struggling to understand a good portion of it, and I'm willing to bet so was a large portion of the other readers. Here are some things you could clear up.

My symptoms went on for almost a month before my mom took me to the doctor…my life changed, I changed, everything changed.

The ellipsis should be replaced by period. the sentences around it should be modeled around this change, but the important part is that you put a period there, as the "..." confuses readers, and makes them pause to figure out what you are saying.

that probably has sugar in it and a coffee this morning.

I'm not sure what you meant here, but It was probably something along the lines of "I shouldn’t have had all that…the strawberries the tea the and coffee, that probably has sugar in it."

It just spikes me, and then I drop really fast.”

This is one of the flaws of using too much dialogue. You end up muddling things up in the colloquial speech of your charecters, and befudeling the readers. This sentence sounded really weird, as I am not a diabetic, and know nothing whatsoever about the effects of sugar on diabetics. Therefore a diabetic explaining her changes in sugar level means reletively little to my uninformed mind. Either explain more to the audience as the narrator, or do not use so much description in charecter dialogue.

..."I think the canula is kinked"... "Thank god no one is there. I rush into the handicapped stall and fall to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. Curled up against the wall, pump in hand, on the edge of weak and strong. That damn pump beeps again: asks if I want to continue with the bolus.
I say no. For the first time in one month, one week and two days I say no."

Once again, not a diabetic, so this was all lost on me. Well actually, I did know that something bad was happening, I just couldn't ascertain what that was. I don't know what a "canula" is, nor do I know what a "pump" or a "bolus" are. I also couldn't figure out what she was saying no to. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad that you included this terminology, but it needs more explanation and clarity, so that non-diabetic readers can understand.

You'll be good if you just clear this up a little bit, and tweak it somewhat. I hope I wasn't too harsh,
Your friend,
---Psudiname

Hey-oh!

See, the explanation here at the beginning of the chapter is just fine. We didn't really need the mystery last chapter. The confusion isn't really necessary. Why not explain it earlier? Is there some reason why this information here couldn't have been last chapter?

But what I don’t say…what I will never say, is that I am jealous of Anna as she stands there sweaty and dizzy. I don’t feel my lows anymore and it’s my fault. Highs just scare the living crap out of me now.

Mmkay, I don't know much of anything about diabetes, so this confuses me a little. Why exactly is she jealous? Could you explain the highs and the lows a little more? I get that they are referring to blood sugar levels, but what exactly do they mean to the girls themselves? What are they that would make Brooklynn jealous or afraid? I know everyone else mentioned confusion about things like this. You don't have to explain everything in real detail, just enough to get us into what's going on. You're doing a great job so far, just push it a little more. This definitely reads matter-of-fact, as it should from the point of view of someone who deals with this normally, but just a little more information, even later in the story, would help those of us who don't know all that much.

I liked this a lot. The interaction is still fabulous, feeling very realistic. Even during their issues, they are dealing with them in a refreshingly un-angsty way, just sort of muscling through it. Very, very nice.

Again, there was that author's note there. I'm not entirely against author's notes, especially when posting chapters online in a serial format, but if there is information contained in there that isn't in the story itself, that's a no-no. We got that Shawn first chapter was a senior from his POV, so go ahead and do something similar with these other characters.

All in all, I'm hooked. Seriously hooked. Even with so many viewpoint characters, I find myself trundling along quite nicely. Quite wonderful.

Third verse, same as the first: Feel free to contact me if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling