Water Under The Bridge Chapter Two: Anna

Brooklynn is a type one diabetic. Anna's issues will be explained shortly. Be brutal when you critique
Anna
One thing I’ve noticed about life is there are a lot of “supposed to’s”. I’m supposed to do my homework. I’m supposed to be nice to my siblings. Adults have the “supposed to” bug too…they’re supposed to vote, supposed to keep their house clean, supposed to keep in shape.
I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.
I’m giggling like a fool as Brooklynn and I show off our new dance team moves to Ryan. I like this way better.
“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.
“Oh, and you’re so normal?” I ask Ryan. “I don’t think so.”
Brooklynn giggles. “I love the dance team.”
“I know.” I say. “Were you at that water break last night—“
“Oh my god, with Sarah and—“
“Her accents? Yes!” We both burst into hysterical giggles. Ryan huffs and shoves past me.
“Hi, what can I get for you?” the lunch lady asks him.
“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side. He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.
Once we’ve paid, we make our way to stake our lunch time territory for the rest of the year. The three of us and a couple other friends claim a table in the corner—it’s perfect for our little group. It’s round, has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be. Near the microwave, and near the window.
I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us. We know Hayley and Jessica from the dance team. Logan and Tyler have been friends with Ryan for years.
As the rest of us dig into our lunches, Brooklynn counts. She has numbers in big bold Sharpie on all her food: carb counts. I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket. She presses a few buttons, shaking her head. “Damn it!” she mutters when it beeps.
“You okay?” I whisper. The boys are fighting over something, and Jessica and Hayley are at the microwave. I ignore them, and nudge Brooklynn again. “Everything okay?”
She shakes her head. “Yeah, yeah,” she fools with her pump a little more, then shoves it back in her pocket, carefully tucking the tubing under her tank top. “I just hit the wrong button and couldn’t get out of it.” She sighs, forces a smile and opens her chips. “I’m good.”
I’m about to say something else, when Logan’s pageboy cap slides across the table into my lap.
“Anna!” Tyler claps his hand. “Give it to me.”
I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.
“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”
I have to agree. “Her voice is horrible, but the class won’t be bad.”
He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m gonna hate that class.”
“You don’t like science.” I point out. “Wanna strawberry?” I hold out the container.
He takes one. “Thanks…and how can you like science? Especially chem…boring and too much math.”
“You’re looking at a health nerd, mister.” I pop another strawberry into my mouth and smile as Jessica and Hayley finally sit down.
“True,” he says, helping himself to another strawberry I didn’t offer. “You want to be a doctor?”
I shake my head. “Ryan, do I look smart enough to be a doctor?” He opens his mouth, then shuts it again. “That’s right, don’t answer that.” I giggle.
“What do you want to be?” he asks.
“Not a doctor…I spend too much time with doctors. Maybe a teacher or something like that.”
He nods. “I can see that, you’re good with kids.”
“Understatement of the year,” Brooklynn pipes up. “She’s totally incredible with kids.”
“Especially for being the youngest in your family.” Ryan adds.
“Whatever,” I say. “So what do you want to be?”
He shrugs. “I dunno.”
Eventually, Jessica and Hayley leave to talk to other people, and Tyler gets up in search of his girlfriend. But the rest of us are just hanging out, when Brooklynn mentions something I didn’t expect.
“So, Anna, I met a really cute guy earlier.”
“Really?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Bye.” Ryan says quickly. “Logan, let’s go.”
“Bye,” I giggle. “They can’t stand anything. But tell me about him!”
She shrugs. “I just showed him around. He’s new.”
“Is he your age?” I ask. “ I mean, in your grade?”
“No, senior. He was in Gates. But he was pretty cute. A little taller than Ryan, dark hair…like really shaggy kind of, but not long and gross, it wasn’t even that long. Just…sticking up a little, ya know?”
I nod. “Was he nice?”
“He seemed kind of shy, but he’s new. It’s cool. He was really like, broad, and husky-ish. Almost…rugged?”
“Uh-huh.” I’m laughing, totally into it. “I’m really proud of you. That sounds awesome!” I realize I’m totally wiped out and a little dizzy. The chair sways underneath me. “Hey, can we head back to my locker? I think I’m dropping.”
Her smile fades and her face softens in concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just want to check. I think I had a little too much caffeine today.” My heart feels like it’s running a marathon inside my chest. My hands feel a little like they’re floating away; pins and needles stick my fingers. “I’ll be fine, let’s just go.”

This was amazing!
I didn't see any major errors.

Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side.

This sentence was kind of hard to under stand. something like, "Brooklynn and I watched in disgust as a greasy burger with plastic-like cheese was placed on the tray. It squeak when cardboard fries are put on the side." would sound better.

I over all love it! keep writing!

Thanks Rissa. Glad you liked it. Much more to come over the next couple days! The novel is about 1/3 done, so there's much more for you guys to read/critique/enjoy

I read it. Anna seems to be the opposite of Shawn, which is good- everything needs an antithesis. I never nit pick, so nothing to say there. All's great, so far!

However, I'm noticing an apparent lack of conflict in your novel. Maybe I just haven't read far enough into the story, but make sure the next chapter at least introduces some sort of problem for the characters to face.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"Words will fail you."

I'm so nit-picky and I'm going to apologize for this before you even get any further. I wrote these down as I read it so they should go along with the order of the story.

Emily, where are they!! I’m soooo lost and I’m on one paragraph into this. Why are they dancing? Why is Anna wondering about “supposed to’s” then dancing like a crazy person? And I’m not sure that that is a great way to introduce that Anna is supposed to be deaf and have a defective lung.

Okay, they are in cafeteria. You should tell the reader a little bit sooner or drop tiny hints because I had no clue.

“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”

Comma after fries. And why does he say "hey"?

Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side.

Wow, that’s a sentence…The first thing that I caught was the lack of clarity. You need to include something about the lunch lady fixing this because it’s not really clear exactly what the girls are watching. Also you can take out the “and” and put a period or a semi colon between “top” and “the”. This will make it a little easier to read, and not so much of a long sentence.

He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.

You are just like me! If my English teacher could see this he would probably think we were writing twins. This, my dear, is a comma splice. That’s when you put a comma in the place of a period or semi-colon. For me it’s really hard to tell in my own work but I can pick them out easily. “He thanks the woman.” That is a complete sentence with its own subject and verb; therefore, it needs a period or a semi-colon not a comma. Likewise the other half of that is another complete sentence with a subject and its own verb.

Near the microwave, and near the window.

I’m sorry I’m so nit-picky but you could combine this so much better. The two nears is just repetitive and can be easily cut out. And that’s not a whole sentence; it is a fragment. Try putting “it is near the microwave and the window” or something like that.

I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us.

The handful of kids part is irrelevant because you already told the reader that the three of them and a couple of other kids are trying to find a seat.

I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket.

Pump? I know you said she’s diabetic but I don’t know what a pump is and I’m sure most people don’t. With medical terms and terms in general that you know it’s easy to forget that not everyone has heard of them. Explain what it is in words that Anna would understand, since she is not diabetic like most reading this.

I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.

Why did you use ellipsis here? Normally they are just used if some one losses their train of thought but I don’t see that here. You can keep it that way; I don’t think it’s technically wrong but it’s a style issue that I don’t if it should be there.

“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”

Is she talking to Ryan? Make it clear! And “he” shouldn’t be capitalized.

Jessica and Hayley…You mention them earlier saying that they are going over to sit with Anna and Brookelynn and everybody but then you say later that they are finally just sitting down? Why is that? I think you changed something or forgot something(:

“I can see that, you’re good with kids.”

Semi-colon!

“Is he your age?” I ask. “I mean, in your grade?”

Okay, what? How old are they? Are they not in the same grades (Brookelynn and Anna)? I’m confused and I shouldn’t be. Make sure we at least know what grade they are in if you don’t want to tell use their specific ages. I’m assuming they are in high school but I was also assuming they were in the same grade. (*light bulb* at least I know they are talking about Shawn)


So, dialogue is good. Characterization is pretty good but I'm still not seeing any description. I'm not asking for you to describe every little thing. But when I read it's like watching T.V. for other people. I want the writer to paint pictures in my head; I want to see everything. But I didn't see anything. Nothing, not a character or a setting. Describe where they are. How's the weather? What are they wearing? What color was the hat they threw across the lunch table? What color is Ryan's hair? What do their eyes look like? Let me know everything. It might be easier for you to see things because you know the characters. We, as readers, are just getting to know their whole life story up until you want them to stop telling us. Try just going to places you go everyday. Go to your school's cafeteria and describe it! It'll really help with stuff like this.

I hope I helped and wasn't too harsh. I have a feeling after 2 weeks with me at Sewanee you're gonna want to shoot me(;
~peanut~

wow Sarah that's a lot of nit-picking It wasn't too harsh, just a lot to take in. I did tell you to be brutal. I re-read the chapter and completely get what you're talking about. I was so focused on the dialogue that I didn't use enough imagery. The characterization usually isn't an issue for me, but in the first part of this story, it was. I'm so set on what I tell when about their pasts, that the characterization is weird. I'm a little hopeless with grammar and will admit it haha. I completely understand what you mean. This story is a bit of an experiment for me...I've never had so many different story lines cross or used so many points of view. I'm working on it! I just have to get what's in my head on paper.

Emily, it's going to be awesome when you get it all straightened out. Once you get going the grammar stuff will be less also. My dad's an English teacher and author. Ink is in my blood. If you need any help with grammar and such don't be afraid to ask. I'd love to help with anything. Especially with the multiple P.O.V's one of my novels is with 5 so I can help sort out details and such. (:

~peanut~

Haha lucky your dad's in English. My dad is an engineer! We bicker all the time cause he's so analytical and I'm so creative. I often write in first person, but the multiple POV is throwing me off a little. I'm not gonna be disappointed, because I have big dreams for this story. Thanks for all your help btw, do you think the multiple POV thing is working so far?

I think it's working okay so far but like I've said before not that much has happened. I think that it'll be useful to write it like this once the medical issues start to show more. Also once you get the hang of writing like this your characters personalities will start to shine(:
~peanut~

See there are twenty more chapters of this written so yes, their personalities are shining through!

Fair warning, you did tell me I could be brutal

One thing I’ve noticed about life is there are a lot of “supposed to’s”. I’m supposed to do my homework. I’m supposed to be nice to my siblings. Adults have the “supposed to” bug too…they’re supposed to vote, supposed to keep their house clean, supposed to keep in shape.
I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.

Nice beginning, paints the speaker as sort of a rule-opressed anarchist, but in a good way.

I’m giggling like a fool as Brooklynn and I show off our new dance team moves to Ryan. I like this way better.
“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.

kind of a strange place to go from your opening, but it seems to work so far.

“You guys are weird,” Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches for a Gatorade in the big drink cooler. Brooke and I get in line behind him even though we’re not buying a lunch. Brooke nudges Ryan, and he hands us both bottles of iced tea.
“Oh, and you’re so normal?” I ask Ryan. “I don’t think so.”
Brooklynn giggles. “I love the dance team.”
“I know.” I say. “Were you at that water break last night—“
“Oh my god, with Sarah and—“
“Her accents? Yes!” We both burst into hysterical giggles. Ryan huffs and shoves past me.

This dialogue is okay, except that it kind of makes the reader feel left out. Have you ever been the friend of some people who share an inside joke? that's what you're doing to the reader. We don't know who Sarah is, or what happened at water break, so this passage only serves to alienate us. Also, "accents"? As in multiple accents? People can have more than one?

“Hi, what can I get for you?” the lunch lady asks him.
“Um, hey, cheeseburger and fries please?”
Brooklynn and I watch in disgust as a greasy square of meat goes on a ghostly-white bun, a plastic piece of cheese goes on top and the Styrofoam tray squeaks when cardboard fries are put on the side. He thanks the woman, the tray squeals under his touch and I shake my head.
Once we’ve paid, we make our way to stake our lunch time territory for the rest of the year. The three of us and a couple other friends claim a table in the corner—it’s perfect for our little group. It’s round, has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be. Near the microwave, and near the window.

This part confused me because you bounced back and forth from metaphor to reality. It's confusing when you say the tray is made of styrofoam and then say the fries are made of cardboard. I had to read that a few times to get what you were saying, so maybe make that a simile instead of a metaphor.

I snag a seat between Ryan and Brooke, and a handful of kids join us. We know Hayley and Jessica from the dance team. Logan and Tyler have been friends with Ryan for years.

aaaaaahhh! Name overload! Chill out with the names please, I definately lost you when you introduced six charecters all at the same time...

As the rest of us dig into our lunches, Brooklynn counts. She has numbers in big bold Sharpie on all her food: carb counts. I watch her do the math in her head, before she sighs and retrieves her pump from her back pocket. She presses a few buttons, shaking her head. “Damn it!” she mutters when it beeps.
“You okay?” I whisper. The boys are fighting over something, and Jessica and Hayley are at the microwave. I ignore them, and nudge Brooklynn again. “Everything okay?”
She shakes her head. “Yeah, yeah,” she fools with her pump a little more, then shoves it back in her pocket, carefully tucking the tubing under her tank top. “I just hit the wrong button and couldn’t get out of it.” She sighs, forces a smile and opens her chips. “I’m good.”
I’m about to say something else, when Logan’s pageboy cap slides across the table into my lap.

There was a lot of confusing terminology here, which I think needs to be explained. What is the "pump" she is using? what does she mean she "couldn't get out of it"? what on earth is a pageboy cap? clarify these.

“Anna!” Tyler claps his hand. “Give it to me.”
I toss it to him and let the boys continue fighting…but Ryan stays out of it.
“If Mrs. Johnson talks in that stupid monotone all semester,” He picks up a cardboard fry and twirls it around. “I think I’ll have to kill myself.”

There should be a comma after "twirls it around", not a period.

I have to agree. “Her voice is horrible, but the class won’t be bad.”
He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m gonna hate that class.”
“You don’t like science.” I point out. “Wanna strawberry?” I hold out the container.
He takes one. “Thanks…and how can you like science? Especially chem…boring and too much math.”
“You’re looking at a health nerd, mister.” I pop another strawberry into my mouth and smile as Jessica and Hayley finally sit down.
“True,” he says, helping himself to another strawberry I didn’t offer. “You want to be a doctor?”
I shake my head. “Ryan, do I look smart enough to be a doctor?” He opens his mouth, then shuts it again. “That’s right, don’t answer that.” I giggle.

There are a few clarity issues in here, which could partially be hitting enter after every line of dialogue so that the reader doesn't have to read this five or six times before we figure out who said what. Also, "you don't like science" should probably be qualified by something like, "that's the only reason you hate that class". Instead I was left wondering if you meant it to be a question.

“What do you want to be?” he asks.
“Not a doctor…I spend too much time with doctors. Maybe a teacher or something like that.”
He nods. “I can see that, you’re good with kids.”
“Understatement of the year,” Brooklynn pipes up. “She’s totally incredible with kids.”
“Especially for being the youngest in your family.” Ryan adds.
“Whatever,” I say. “So what do you want to be?”
He shrugs. “I dunno.”

At this point the dialogue seems to be dragging on. You haven't really developed any of your charecters yet, so hearing them chat is like reading internet chat room posts. We have no connection to your charecters yet, and because of that this dialogue gets slightly boring.

Eventually, Jessica and Hayley leave to talk to other people, and Tyler gets up in search of his girlfriend. But the rest of us are just hanging out, when Brooklynn mentions something I didn’t expect.
“So, Anna, I met a really cute guy earlier.”
“Really?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Bye.” Ryan says quickly. “Logan, let’s go.”
“Bye,” I giggle. “They can’t stand anything. But tell me about him!”
She shrugs. “I just showed him around. He’s new.”
“Is he your age?” I ask. “ I mean, in your grade?”
“No, senior. He was in Gates. But he was pretty cute. A little taller than Ryan, dark hair…like really shaggy kind of, but not long and gross, it wasn’t even that long. Just…sticking up a little, ya know?”
I nod. “Was he nice?”
“He seemed kind of shy, but he’s new. It’s cool. He was really like, broad, and husky-ish. Almost…rugged?”
“Uh-huh.” I’m laughing, totally into it. “I’m really proud of you. That sounds awesome!” I realize I’m totally wiped out and a little dizzy. The chair sways underneath me. “Hey, can we head back to my locker? I think I’m dropping.”
Her smile fades and her face softens in concern. “You okay?”
“Yeah, I just want to check. I think I had a little too much caffeine today.” My heart feels like it’s running a marathon inside my chest. My hands feel a little like they’re floating away; pins and needles stick my fingers. “I’ll be fine, let’s just go.”

Why did the guys just leave? They've really never heard girls talk about meeting cute guys before? That seemed a little weird and begged an explanation.

all in all, the story was pretty good, but it could be a little more clear and a little slower. It seems to move at such a rapidfire pace that it gets confusing and hard to follow. If I could change one thing I would make there less speaking charecters, because the more people speaking, the more the dialogue gets muddled up.

Hope I wasn't too brutal,
your friend,
---Psudiname

Brooklynn is a type one diabetic.

If we can't figure this out in the story, there's something wrong. Don't depend on author's notes for information that should be in the story. Just think about it as if it were published: if this note weren't here in the book, would people know what was going on anyway? If not, you need to fix it.

Mm, same as the last one with the spacing. I've mentioned it twice now, so I won't mention it again in future reviews (I'll only beat a dead horse so much ^_^) but here it's even more important than last chapter. This is longer and so the imposing brick wall becomes that much more intimidating.

I’m also supposed to be deaf with severe lung damage—I’m not.

Ummm, wha? I know you mention in the author's note that her issues will be explained later, but again, I shouldn't have to read the author's note to understand what is going on in the story. This threw me out a bit. It wasn't explained. I wanna know why, but I can't because there's no explanation. Why is there no explanation? Gah! Frustration!

I like this way better.

What way? As opposed to what? *confused*

has 6 seats, but we can make it seat 10 or 12 if need be.

I'd spell out the numbers here. There's a rule somewhere about when to spell out numbers and when to put them in numeral form, but I don't remember it exactly. Suffice it to say, it would look better here if they were spelled out.

Mmm, still liking the way you write your characters. Not much of anything really happens in this chapter (except for the end... Dude, what is wrong with her?!) but I still find myself hooked to this story just based on their interactions.

I ran into a little trouble with the amount of characters that you introduced here, however. I mean, we get something like six names here in the space of a few paragraphs and we don't see much of several of them. Stick to the few that we really see on the page here and flesh them out a little. We get good glimpses of them as is, but with so many names introduced, actually putting names to actions is a little difficult. Pick the few that we need to follow, stick with them until we get a handle on them, and then you can introduce the others a little later.

I did like this though. They felt like real kids, having real conversations, rather than high school stereotypes or angsty emo teenagers. Nice.

Onto the next chapter! I'm here by PM or wall post for questions!

~GryphonFledgling

You've done something that's hard to do: got me interested in a school story. I'll read the rest of it and hopefully give you a good review.