Swan Song (7)

Dear Diary,

Lin is very mad at me. I asked her to help me practice measuring, but when I told her what to do, she was really mad and she started yelling at me. I am afraid. I think I did something wrong, but I’m not sure what. She says she wanted me to stay with her until Daddy came to pick me up so that she could talk to Daddy.

I feel awful. I told her that I was very sorry and I didn’t mean to make her upset, but she said that I shouldn’t apologize at all. She asked me if I had told Daddy what I had told her, and when I said yes, she became even madder.

Maybe it’s because she sells silk flowers, so she has to sew and she knows that I have told her a trade secret. Hoas said that bad things happened to those who revealed trade secrets. I am very afraid. Maybe I’ll go to prison. I don’t think I can handle prison. Besides, I know I would make Daddy very sad. He is sad enough already. I don’t want to see him sadder.

I will pray to Diamea and ask for forgiveness. If he can hear me, then perhaps he will forgive me.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin talked with Daddy. He seemed very surprised and upset. Lin sounded very angry, but then she started crying, and that made Daddy even more upset.

I was afraid because I thought Daddy was very angry at me, so I hid behind some silk flowers, but when Daddy came for me, he gave me a big hug and kiss and told me that he loved me lots. This just made me cry and feel worse.

I asked him if I was going to prison, and he seemed really surprised. He told me that nobody was going to prison. Then I asked him if would ever forgive me, and he seemed even more surprised. He told me not to cry and he said that I did nothing wrong. He said that Lin just got upset because Hoas had done something wrong. He said that Hoas wasn’t a very good tailor and he was very sorry that he let me take that job. He said that he would speak to Hoas immediately and that I wouldn’t be working there anymore.

I don’t think that’s a good idea. Hoas was very nice and he gave me lots of food and money. I wasn’t very good, but he was very patient with me. I told Daddy this, but he kissed me and he said he would find someone better.

He tried to explain to me what was wrong about what Hoas did, but I don’t understand. He said something about taking care of my body as if it was precious, but I don’t know what that means. Still, he seemed so upset that I pretended to understand. Maybe I’ll ask Lin what he meant when she calms down. She seems pretty upset.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy talked with Hoas today and he said that they had agreed that I wouldn’t work there anymore. I feel sad. Now I am at the inn and I don’t have anything to do. Daddy says that he’ll try to find me something better. I hope he finds it soon!

~

Dear Diary,

Lin is very angry with Daddy. When I told her that Daddy had talked with Hoas, she seemed really upset. She said that she wasn’t upset with me, but she was very upset with Daddy because he should have done more to Hoas since he is such a bad man for what he did to me. She said she would send him into prison, and maybe he would learn a thing or two there, if he survived. She said that most of the prisoners die there and that she heard that they castrated rapists.

I am very scared. I don’t know what castrated means, but it sounds really bad and scary. Granid was called a rapist too, and they sent him to prison for it. I don’t want Hoas to go to prison too. He is a very nice man.

I didn’t say anything to Lin, since she seemed really mad and I didn’t want her to get angry with me. Normally it’s very nice to visit her, because she’ll let me stay in the back office and make me supper, but today it wasn’t nice at all. When Daddy came to pick me up, she yelled at him and told him that if he was just going to ignore everything Hoas did, he was just as bad as him and she never wanted to see him again. Daddy was very upset.

Daddy says that she has every right to be mad at him, and he understands why she is so upset. When I asked him why she was upset, he said that Hoas shouldn’t have touched me that way and he’s sorry that I had to have that happen to me. He said that Hoas took advantage of me and touched me in ways that only my future husband should touch me. He said that when I marry, I will marry a man who I love so much that his body will become mine and mine his, so that we can be very close together and touch each other in many different ways. This marriage is holy because it is made out of love, so Diamea blesses it. By touching me the way he did, Hoas was doing something very bad because he did it without Diamea’s blessing.

Daddy said that normally, if something like this happened, the father would put the man on trial and convict him, but he doesn’t have the money to afford the trial, so he can’t do anything. Lin is mad at him because he should do this, but he isn’t.

I am still a little confused, but I understand it better. I still don’t know why Lin is upset. Maybe she thinks Diamea cursed me since Hoas wasn’t my husband. I hope Diamea didn’t! I will pray to Diamea and tell him that I am very sorry and that I won’t do it again.

~

Dear Diary,

I wanted to see Lin today, but Daddy said that I should stay here. He said Lin was probably still very mad at him, so I should stay out of her way.

I wish I could see her. I would apologize and give her a big hug. She is the only friend that I have here, besides Hoas, and I don’t want to lose her too.

Daddy said he was looking for a job for me. I hope he finds one soon!

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy still hasn’t found a job for me. I am very bored! He said he tried to talk with Lin, but she didn’t want to speak with him. I wish Lin would forgive Daddy.

~

Dear Diary,

They didn’t need Daddy at his job anymore, so they fired him. He’s looking for another job now.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy is looking for a job right now and it is very dark outside. I hope he found one!

The family next to is being very loud right now and I can’t sleep. The daddy keeps on swearing at Diamea and threatening to kill his son if he says anything more. The son keeps on crying, because he is only three-years-old and he is very upset. I hope the daddy calms down and realize that his son is very precious and he should care for him. I shall say a prayer to Diamea for him.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy is still looking for a job.

I went to see Lin today, but she didn’t seem very happy to see me. She asked me if my daddy had come to his senses yet and I didn’t know what to say. I told her that we were really sorry for upsetting her, but she didn’t seem to care. She offered to make me supper, since she said it looked like my daddy couldn’t take care of me at all, but she said it in such a mean way that I wanted to cry. I told her I wasn’t hungry and then I left. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but she seemed so mad that I wanted to cry.

I know she is very mad at Daddy, but I don’t see why she should stay mad at him for so long. Daddy misses her so. I wish I knew how to make her happy.

~

Dear Diary,

I went to see Hoas today, since I was so hungry and lonely, but his shop was closed down. I am not sure why. There was no explanation written down, but I hope he’s all right. I will ask Daddy if he knows anything about what happened.

~

Dear Diary,

Today when I woke up, Daddy was very, very sick. He isn’t feeling good at all. I put a cool rag on his head, so his head doesn’t feel so hot, but he is still gasping for breath and he can’t eat anything without being sick. I hope he feels better soon!

~

Dear Diary,

The innkeeper threw us out because we didn’t make the payment for the night. Daddy is still very sick. We are sleeping outdoors tonight and I am sleeping on him so he keeps warm. He feels very hot, but he is very cold.

~

Dear Diary,

Some little girls threw coins at me, so I bought some food. I tried to feed Daddy, but he just got sick again. He seems really confused and I don’t think he is feeling well. I am very hungry. I want to see Lin, but she is far away and I don’t want to leave Daddy.

I will pray to Diamea and ask for his help.

~

Dear Diary,

Today I had to move Daddy to a higher place because it was rainy and the streets got flooded. He is still very sick, but he was able to lean on me and walk. He isn’t making sense when he talks. I hope he gets better soon.

We are in a sheltered place right now. I will go see Lin tomorrow. I know she is very, very mad at Daddy, but I don’t know what else to do. I will apologize to her for Daddy and ask her for help. I know I don’t deserve anything from her, especially since she has done so much for us already, but I don’t know where to go. Maybe I can promise to work for her shop so that I can pay her back. I can work really hard, and I don’t mind working very long hours. Daddy stayed up most of the night so he could take care of me, so I can stay up for Daddy.

If she doesn’t want to see me, I don’t know what I will do. Daddy is very, very sick and I am very scared.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin is helping us. She is letting us stay in her back office and she’s making stew now.

She says I have a fever too, so I need to rest. She says she’ll take care of both of us and she told us not to worry.

I’ll write more about what happened later.

~

Dear Diary,

I told Lin that I would be willing to work for her as a servant so I could pay her back for everything that she has done for my family, but she only got really upset at this. She said that she would never accept anything from my family.

I am very scared. I think she is still mad at Daddy and that’s why she doesn’t want anything from us. I told her that I was very sorry at upsetting her and that Daddy was very sorry for hurting her feelings, but I think that only made her feel more upset.

I don’t know what to do. If she is still mad at Daddy, she can throw him out and then we’ll be in the rain again and Daddy will die. I will try to be really nice to her and do whatever I can to help her. Maybe she won’t be angry then.

Lin says I still have a fever, so I should stop writing and go to bed. Goodnight, Diary!

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy is getting much worse. He doesn’t know who I am and he keeps calling Lin by Mommy’s name.

I feel horrible. I should have taken Daddy to Lin straight away. Now Daddy is worse and it’s all my fault. I thought I could help him, but I couldn’t. Now he doesn’t even remember me. Maybe it’s a good thing. If he remembered me and then he died, I’m sure he would die hating me because I didn’t do enough. I should have taken care of him, but I didn’t, and now I’ll lose him, just like I lost Mommy and Granid and Eurodities and Archondid. I wish I wasn’t such a horrible little girl. I am the worst girl in the world. People said that Granid was a Dark Potential, but he couldn’t be as bad as me. At least he only killed one girl, if he killed her at all. I’ve killed Mommy and now Daddy is dying and it’s all because of me.

I wish I could curl up and disappear. Daddy says that White Swans can disappear, if they hate their lives enough. He says they just vanish into the air and become nothing. I wish I could do that now. I wish I wasn’t so cursed. Maybe if I had died, Mommy would live and everything would be all right now. Daddy would have Mommy, Granid would be a Fledgling, and everybody would be happy.

I am mad at Diamea, though I know I shouldn’t be. I feel like he doesn’t listen to my prayers and he just does the opposite. Maybe it’s because I’m cursed. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t like me. I don’t know why he doesn’t like me. I know I’ve done some very bad things, but I didn’t do them on purpose. I didn’t mean to kill Mommy. I didn’t mean to hurt Daddy. If I had known better, I wouldn’t have done any of those things. I am just a stupid, stupid, little girl.

I am glad Daddy doesn’t remember me. I wish I could forget me too. I think Diamea is stupid. If he was smart, he would take me and leave Daddy. Daddy never hurt anybody. He is the nicest Daddy any little girl could ask for. I wish he wasn’t my daddy because I never took care of him properly and he always took care of me. The mayor was right. Daddy should have disowned me because I am such a horrible little girl. I wish Daddy had a little girl he could have been happy for. He must be so disappointed to have me. Maybe it was Diamea’s love that he forgot me.

I hope Daddy doesn’t remember me. Maybe when he wakes up, he’ll forget about me completely and he’ll be happier because I am gone and I’ll never be around to curse him again.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy’s still very sick. Lin is gone for the night, because she has to take care of Iluve and go to the ceremony, otherwise Iluve will be hungry and the matron will be very angry with her. She thinks the matron is already very angry with her, since she’s missed several ceremonies, so she can’t afford to miss anymore. She says she’ll be back in the morning.

I wish she were here. I am alone with Daddy in the flower shop. It is very scary here because the flowers look like little ghosts and they make really big shadows that move when the wind blows. I don’t like them at all.

I was going to run away, but then I felt bad because Daddy was so very sick and nobody would be around to take care of him. He doesn’t remember me at all, so maybe when he wakes up, I can pretend to be someone else and he won’t know that he had a little girl at all and he’ll be much happier. I can tell him that I am Lin’s servant and she asked me to take care of him. He’ll probably believe it too. That way, when he is better, he can leave me and be very happy still.

~

Dear Diary,

I told Lin that she should pretend that I was her servant so that Daddy wouldn’t think that I am his daughter, and she got mad at me. I tried to tell her that I was cursed and that it would be better that Daddy would not have such a horrible daughter like me, and Lin got really mad.

She says that I am being a stupid little girl. She says that if it weren’t for me, Daddy would be dead right now, but because I was so brave, he is alive. She says that Daddy is very sick right now and that’s why he doesn’t remember me, but she says when he gets better, he’ll be so proud of me because of everything I’ve done. This made me feel worse, so I tried to explain myself again, but I started crying like a little baby.

Lin seemed upset, but she gave me a big hug and she said that she was really proud of me and that I was the sweetest little girl she’s ever known, so I should stop being so hard on myself. She said that Daddy is sick because he wasn’t taking good care of himself and that it had nothing to do with me. She said that she will do everything she can to make him feel better and she doesn’t want me to worry at all. She’s said that I’ve had to grow up really quickly lately and she wants to help me enjoy being a little girl a little bit longer.

I know she’s wrong, but I couldn’t tell her this because I was crying too hard. She is so nice to me and I know I don’t deserve any of it. I don’t know why she is being so nice to me, but I think I will write her a thank you note, since Daddy said thank you notes were always a nice thing to do. I know I am a horrible little girl, but if thank you notes can make the world a nicer place, then maybe I can help make the world a nicer place.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin gave me a big hug today and thanked me for the note that I left her. She said that she is helping my family because we are dear to her. She said that the reason why she was so mad at Daddy was because she expected more from him and he had disappointed her. She wanted him to hurt Hoas, because she was angry, but she said she understood that Daddy wasn’t a violent person and she respected that.

She said that when I had come to her and told her that Daddy was very sick, she was very upset because she felt like she could have done more to help us, but she didn’t because she was acting so childish. She said that it hurts her to see Daddy so helpless because she knows how strong he is and she loves him very much.

I told her that it wasn’t her fault that this happened and I gave her a big hug. Then we prayed to Diamea together.

I don’t know why Diamea lets so much pain in the world. Daddy once said it’s to remind us that there is so much joy in the world, but I don’t see how pain can help. There is too much of it and not enough joy. It hurts to see Daddy this way. It hurts to see him there and know that he doesn’t remember me. It feels like I’ve lost Daddy when he is right in front of me.

I am so glad that I have Lin. I don’t know what I would have done without her.

~

Dear Diary,

Daddy said my name today. I was near him, reading a book, and he woke up, saw me, smiled, and said my name. I knew I shouldn’t have done it, but I was so happy that he said my name that I went to him at once and kissed him. He seemed really happy and he held my hand. Then he fell asleep.

I feel awful. I don’t think he knows what happened yet because if he knew what happened, he wouldn’t be so nice to me. I am afraid that he’ll disown me. I know I will deserve it because of everything that I’ve done, but I feel awful because I want him so much that I don’t want to lose him at all. It is very selfish of me, and I know I am very bad for wanting him when I have treated him so horribly.

Maybe if I promise to be his servant, he won’t abandon me. That way, I can take care of him like I should have and give him back all the kindness he has given to me. Maybe if I’m good enough, he’ll let me be his daughter again.

I wish he would get better soon. I feel so sad all the time and my soul hurts so much.

~

Dear Diary,

Something really bad happened today. The matron came over to the shop today and she got really mad. She yelled at Lin for keeping Daddy here. She called Lin a worthless slut and told her that if she kept whoring with my daddy, she would kick her and her bastard child out of the home. She said that the widows’ home was only for women who kept pure and that Lin was only there by an act of charity, and if Lin chose to choose a life of sin over a life of purity, then her home and dowry would be forfeited. Then the matron said some of the things she had in the ceremony, about Diamea destroying the impure through everlasting pain. Lin tried to tell her that she was only helping Daddy out because he was so alone and in so much pain and that she wasn’t doing anything bad with him, but the matron slapped her really hard and told her that the slap was only a preview of what was to come. Then she told Lin that if Daddy wasn’t gone by tomorrow morning, she would take away her dowry and possessions and kick her out of the home.

I am very scared. I never knew that Diamea would destroy Lin if she spent time with Daddy. This is all my fault. I should have taken care of Daddy myself. If I had known that I would have hurt Lin, I would have never done this.

I feel awful and I don’t know what to do. Daddy’s getting better and he recognizes me and Lin now, but he is still very weak and he needs help to do everything. If he goes in the street again, he’ll die.

Lin seemed very upset, but she told me not to worry because she would do whatever it took to help Daddy. I am afraid. I didn’t want to hurt Lin and I know Daddy would not want to hurt her. We already lost a home and it was very hard. I don’t want Lin to lose her home too.

Lin says that she can’t take out any money because the matron controls the money she takes out, so she can’t buy an inn room for Daddy. She says that Daddy will stay here tonight and she would figure out something for tomorrow.

I will pray to Diamea for her.

~

Dear Diary,

Lin married Daddy today. She said that it was the only way that she could take care of Daddy without losing everything.

I feel really bad. Daddy said that marriage should be very happy because it celebrates love, but there was no love today. The matron came in and said that Daddy had to go to the priest and get married, so Lin splashed wine on his face so that he smelled awful and carried him to a cab. Then Lin, the matron, Iluve, and I went to the priest. Lin told the priest that he had to marry them, so the priest did the ceremony and made Daddy sign a bunch of papers. Daddy was still very sick and didn’t know what he was doing, but the priest didn’t seem to mind at all.

I don’t think it’s right. I don’t think Lin would be a bad mommy, but I wish she was patient with Daddy. He likes her a lot already, so I don’t think he would mind marrying her, but he is very sick still and he doesn’t even know her name right now. He thinks Lin is my mommy.

Because Lin is now married, she cannot go back unmarried women’s home, but she is staying in the store tonight with Iluve and me and taking care of Daddy. She says she’ll find an apartment near the store tomorrow.

I am glad she is here and taking care of Daddy.

Whoa, Snoink, how in the world did I miss the last chappy! I'm so out of it!

I just read the previous chapter and this one. I really enjoyed the previous one, and I really hope the Black Swan comes back. Stupid Haos, also. At first, I thought, "Finally! They might get a break!" Not so much..... *sigh*

I thought this chappy was rather repetitive. All she did was moan and cry and say how stupid and useless she was. At first, my heart was torn for her, but then I was just getting annoyed. And it was the first time that happened with this story.

I'm glad Lin married daddy, it's going to make for an interesting story. Can't wait to read more!

Quite sorry I missed the last chapter, because I really love this story and I love the simplicity of the diary-style writing.

Tanya

IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE DEALING WITH OTHER AWESOME THINGS. <3

Haha, I was afraid it would be too whiny! I'll definitely see if I can edit some of those parts out. A little can go a long way, especially in this case!

I hope the Black Swan comes back too! They seemed to be a lot better off when he was around. XD

Few things! :3

The family next to us? is being very loud right now and I can’t sleep.

Because Lin is now married, she cannot go back to the unmarried womens' home, but she is staying in the store tonight with Iluve and me and taking care of Daddy.

I believe that the apostrophe is moved there, but I could be wrong, in which case disregard me.

You already know I like the story, otherwise I wouldn't keep reading it. Best wishes are with Solea. Lin marrying Solea's Daddy made be want to cheer, so good move, Snoink! It was annoyingly repetitive, though. But this should get interesting(er). Keep it up. x3

Hey Snoink! So, I'm here with a review for you on this lovely day. C: Buuutttt...I don't have much more to say than what's already been said: Solea moans a little too much in this chapter (I personally hate all moany characters, but she's been okay so far so I'll give her another chance) and wow--the marriage.

So, I'm pretty much a heartless cow by saying that Solea complains a bit, because, well, her father's dying. ): But I think you might have over-mentioned the self-pity a little too frequently.

I was afraid because I thought Daddy was very angry at me, so I hid behind some silk flowers, but when Daddy came for me, he gave me a big hug and kiss and told me that he loved me lots. This just made me cry and feel worse.

This is the cutest and saddest thing. I love this.

I feel so useless, but there's really not that much else left to say. Other than keep it up! C: And d'you know what the diary format reminds me of? The Colour Purple by Alice Walker.

Looking forward to the next one! (:

Okay so I accidentlly started reading chapter 8 before I read this one and I was like, wait...this doesn't seem normal! XD
So I'm back to the right spot and here to...give my opinions rather than actually reviewing this.

Can I ask why they keep getting sick? It seems like they're always sick. Day after day and I don't know the reason for it. Sure it's stressful and they don't enough food and stuff but I feel like them running fevers all the time is something else. Like, what if it's serious? D:

Again, I'm still wondering when all this poverty will end. It seems to last forever and I although it has so much to teach, I feel like I want some little bit of happiness in their lives, just a little bit of light to shine down and give them some hope. The marriage was a good start by the way, I'm glad they got married even thought it wasn't really the best way but at least now they can get food and depend on each other. This makes me really sad, Snoink!

Also...Hoas did deserve to die. I'm upset like Lin but yeah. If I was the father I would have killed him. I mean, he touched his little girl! D:

Anyway, this is still making me really sad and upset.
Hopefully things turn out better for them in the next chapter or I might just die of pity and concern.

-Pink

Oh gosh. This chapter was entirely about horrible things! I hate that land lady matron person. Couldn't she tell that he was sick and dying?! Is she really that thick?! It wasn't even possible to do naughty things in his condition! Pahaha I would have punched her in the face. And why is she only talking about evil things!? Like punishing people with a lifetime of endless pain and suffering.... that seems purdy dang horrible to me. If I were that land lady, I would have said things to make the widows feel BETTER not WORSE! I mean, really! What was up with that chick?!

I don't really see how marrying his dad helped, though, because she was kicked out of the unmarried-people-homes anyway, right? So... Was it because she got her money back, or what? And also, why did she splash wine in his face? It didn't really seem necessary, why did she do it? Was it because she didn't want the person marrying them to think he was sick, so she made him look drunk, instead, or what? lol

I hated how useless Solea felt in this chapter it was like... every other word out of her mouth was something about her being useless and horrible. I felt SO bad when she said that it would have been better if her father didn't recognize her and forgot about her all together!! How many times has this dude said that he loved her? Like seven times per chapter, and she STILL thinks that she should be disown her! I was like "Pull. Yourself. Together, man!" Lol

I think I only caught one nit-pick and it was at the very end.

Because Lin is now married, she cannot go back to the unmarried womens' (put the apostrophe after the s when you're referring to multiple people) home, but she is staying in the store tonight with Iluve and me and taking care of Daddy. She says she’ll find an apartment near the store tomorrow.

I hope some things can get better from here her dad seems to be getting better, although you said that he recognized them and he knew who they were, but then in the last diary entry when they were getting married you said that he thought Lin was her mom. So that's kind of contradictory? I think you should probably change that a little somehow so you don't make it seem like he was better briefly and then got delirious again.

I think that's all
But this chapter was such a downer =3=

Hooboy, no punches pulled when it comes to making this family miserable, eh?

She called Lin a worthless slut and told her that if she kept whoring with my daddy, she would kick her and her bastard child out of the home.

Mmm, again with the specific words that Solea mentions, but doesn't wonder about. I mean, in this chapter she wonders about "castrated" but not "slut" or "whoring"?

I think what bothers me about this is that it is specifically pointed out, but not really touched on. I mean, we would have gotten the same effect with something like "she called Lin a lot of horrible names" and mentioning how she's spending time with Solea's dad and that would be enough. We get the picture. It's actually fairly easy to read around Solea's ignorance and figure out what's going on. I know I'm harping a lot on this, but I just keep noticing it and it throws me out of the story.

So, so happy that the Hoas subplot wrapped up before much more happened. I mean, I was seriously afraid for this little girl. Every time you mentioned anyone giving her a "big hug", my heart just melted. Congratulations on making a child character dealing with a lot of crap who isn't annoying. Sure, she moped a bit in this chapter, but I think after everything she's been through, all the stress she's been under, she could be given a break for a little whining. I think the reason it stands out so much here is because there was such a lack of it earlier. Not that you should go back and try to even things out, but I just think that's why it's so noticeable here.

One last thing: there's a lot of long entries here, which seems odd, seeing as how you mention the "ink being expensive" thing. I guess after they start rooming with Lin it isn't such a big deal, but for a bit, they don't have a regular income. I'm not quite sure how long that period was or how much ink she had, but it just seems like she's got a lot of time and ink to be writing in the period of her being with her dad on the street.

Still fantastic.

~GryphonFledgling

Hi,

Even with the many errors there are, it is still beautiful and precious! I absolutely adore this chapter. I relate to all of this so well. I feel, like most of the readers, an emotional attatchment to little Solea. <3 Haha, I absolutely love the Black Swan, so yeah, he better come back. He, also, better be healthy. :] He seemed to actually make their lives better, not worse like the townspeople seem to think Black Swans do. Oh, society, what are we going to do with you and your naughty behavior. No worries, society, we won't put you with Haos. Good job!!!!

Farewell,
A.