Small Encounter

Small wonder I recoil
at my cross-shaped reflection,

hanging ornamentally on the flexing
chest of an excited woman,

grimly staring back as if
to warn of some future.

Small talk was mustered
from what little energy

peer pressure could
cajole from my tired joints -

imagine weighty despair
embellished with airy hand gestures.

Small world made even smaller -
measurable in southernly accented words

or brandished highlights
of not-quite-bleach blonde -

and swollen by spacious thoughts
bouncing off of vanity dressed in flesh.

My ballooning existence -
empty and stretched thin -

crept closer to shattering,
with the stab of each syllable.

OK, so I loved your poem because it was so intriguing. I still don't know what it's supposed to mean but here's what I got from it: (probably a long way off) there's Jesus, or a Jesus figure who somewhow comes to the future to see a crucifix ona woman's chest as a sort of prophecy of what's coming to him. I know I'm probably hilariously innacurate but I think it's a great poem because it can be interpreted many way without it losing its beauty. I'd love to find out what it actually means to you. Thanks for posting.

Hi inkwell,

I think that this a really cool piece. I have to wonder, is this free verse or does it carry any sort of specific structure? It seems like free verse to me, but I've never seen anything that's looked like this. Anyway! This has an interesting idea, and your two opening lines are especially good. However, would he really be able to see his reflection in her necklace? Unless it's a metaphor, and in that case you would need to make that clearer.

You start off quite well with this, and then it seems to falter. Like, something sets him off wondering about this woman, and then it kind of just ends. I had to read this few a couple of times, and still I'm not sure what or if the meaning is supposed to contain. We're not even really sure what sets him off, makes her realize that for whatever reason, she is different. Because of this, this feels very empty and largely forgettable.

So, I would try to revamp this. Maybe you can slow the pace down a little more, and instead of just saying how he makes her feel, how she looks, how he comes across her. Do they speak? What does he realize by the end? All in all I think this is good but could benefit from a little bit of clarification. You have your image down, so now try to focus on strengthening your flow and your imagery.

Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions regarding this review.

~ Elinor

Small wonder I recoiled
at my cross-shaped reflection,

pretty good opening. One suggestion I do have is to change it to present tense. Makes it more immediate, and thus more effective.

hanging ornamentally
on the chest of a perky woman,

Similarly, I would advise you to eliminate all 'ing' verbs if possible. Also the word 'perky' threw me off. Are you talking about her boobs? Those words have a close association... you know.

that seemed to warn of
an unspeakable future.

I don't know. If you're going to foreshadow, then do that, don't tell us that's what you're doing. ALso I don't like the word 'seem.' COMMIT to things. "that warns of an unspeakable future" is much more effective there, I think. But I still don't like this stanza.

Small talk was mustered
from what little energy

avoid the passive voice. muster is a good verb, use it as the active verb.

peer pressure could
cajole from tired joints -

liked this one. 'tired joints' good.

imagine despair
embellished with hand gestures.

didn't like this. The word despair is too easy. It's easy to just say 'despair' we know what you mean. SHOW US the despair, make US feel it.

Small world made even smaller -
measurable in southernly accented words

don't know if I like the word 'southern' turned into an adverb. Didn't like this stanza though.

or brandished highlights
of not-quite-bleach blonde -

liked this. Only thing that could make it better is present tense.

and swollen by spacious thoughts
bouncing off of vanity dressed in flesh.

pretty good ending, could be a lot stronger. I think the whole thing would benefit from a little bit more cohesion, but definitely not the worst thing I've read on here. So keep writing, revising, etc. and don't forget to READ. Hope I helped

Who is she?

also take this off. It makes it seem like a riddle.

best,