The Sled Eating Bush

Going sledding on the Pennsylvania mountainside that my uncle owns is the highlight of my February break. We ride up the hill on the side of the mountain in the green six wheeler with the sleds in the back, with my sister riding on them, passing the “Sled eating Bush”. The sled eating bush used to be a bush when we were little, but now it is a full grown “tree”. Whenever we head down the sledding hill, the sleds tend to veer off in a path heading towards the bush. If your sled goes that way, you have to roll off of it before it gets too late.
After the trail is broken in, we get to go sledding. On this particular day, I had gone down the trail 2 times and this was going to be my third. My mom had just gone down and sledded her inflatable tube right into the sled eating bush. The tube had popped, and she was crawling under the prickly “bush” to retrieve it. I got on my sled and checked to make sure that I wouldn’t run into anyone. I pushed myself onto the trail and headed down the hill. It was a round sled, so I soon was riding down backwards. Little did I know, was that I was headed for the sled eating bush, and that my mom had just gotten her sled from under the bush. I also did not know that my mom was standing with her back towards me, so she could not see me coming. I slid right into her at full speed. She toppled on top of me, but I kept going, inching closer, and closer to the sled eating bush. Lucky for us, the sled stopped right before we got under the branches. I was so grateful that I did not get “eaten” by the sled eating bush. Hopefully, this will be my last encounter with the “Sled Eating bush”.

Hi!

So, I just had a few quick comments! I really like what you're trying to do here, but this needs a lot more detail and description for this to really feel like a story. You have an interesting concept, but right now, it's just that, a concept, since you don't really develop it or go into much detail.

Because of this, this doesn't feel as suspenseful as it should be! I'd get more into your main character; what are they like? How old are they when this happens? Why does the uncle own the mountainside? How many times have they been there? If you want to keep this short, which is perfectly fine, you don't have to give us too much detail about the character -- just enough so we definitely know that this is the tale of someone distinct.

Once you've gotten your background set up, I would try to get more into the moment that the incident occurs -- describe the place, what the narrator's thoughts are. Have they been there many times before? It seems like it, so how do they feel when they're going down into the field? How exactly did the "sled eating bush" get its name? Even though the narrator knows of the danger, why, then, do they go down the hill? Is there anyone with them who is pressuring for them to go? Is it the exhilarating feel of being on a sled? What is their reaction like afterward? Do they want to tell their friends, or keep it quiet? What does the mother think? Maybe you can try to include some dialogue. Do they laugh about it over hot chocolate inside?

All in all I think this could be a really good story when you add some detail and description that really livens it up. Ideas are one thing, but for a story to really shine, you have to have the description and characterization in the right place, because by doing that you're making the reader feel like they're there, and introducing to characters that they are going to want more of. Hope this helps with your revisions, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

~ Elinor

I think I owe you an apology for taking so long to finally review this, I truly feel awful for not mkaing time to get on YWS and give you your well deserved review! So here I go, finally reviewing it!

I would like to begin by saying that this truly was a very nice short piece, however it was very much so on the short side.
So I have several suggestions and critisms that I think you might find very helpful!

To begin with the story didn't have any true emotion, in fact it mostly just felt like you were describing something. I would like to be able to see and hear the story, not just have the narrator give me a step by step story.

You could try adding some dialogue to spice it up, as well as much more description. The story is practically begging you to feed and stuff it with details! Allowing it to flash and appease the hungry readers!

Don't starve your story! Feed it those nice juicy details!

There were also some gramatical errors, one of which I'm going to point out to you,

full grown “tree”.

I don't believe those quotation marks are needed, there are other areas where you use them that I don't think are correct. They disturb the flow of the story and add what seemed to me as "abrupt stops."

My final suggestion to add more emotion would be to add more detail and thrill when the narrator goes down the hill, perhaphs describe the bite of the wind as they go down the hill? Or the smells and cold frosty snow?

It's all up to you, those were merely suggestions.

My final one beign that maybe you would want to rewrite the whole thing, keep the same plot, and turn it into a poem? Then the lack of length would be more appropriate.

Well all in all it was a lovely read and I do hope that I've helped you some with my suggestions!

If you have any questions feel free to PM me!(: