streamofconscious (Revised)

It goes on kind of long, but it does offer some interesting images, my favorite being the square tiles. I think you're trying to symbolize a coldness... after all, tile is intensely cold, especially when you sleep on it! And the other image I get is of a square, which is interesting. I imagine you writing this piece for Timmy, so it seems strange and almost (forgive me... my word choice is terrible tonight) hypocritical that you use the word square, especially when the longing for him is not just a normal square but another shape that is far more complex. It seems to me that you're trying to say you're doing your best to fit into a square shape, but it's not working and all you do is feel cold from the effort.

I love the first three lines and the similarities between "mine" and "mind."

It's not one of your best, but it certainly stands out!

One thing: "our eyes are meeting and we're saying nothing, your looking around"

Shouldn't it be "you're" or am I missing something? I know you're not the type of poet who doesn't know how to spell, so I have to wonder...

Nope, heh, that was an honest spelling error.

i like this, although it reminds me of a song more than a poem. i think it's the "oh" that you included it made me want to sing for some reason but...
it was a little bit too long and with all the comma's included it felt like it was dragging bit by bit, but other than that you put across the theme of the poem quite well and i did understand it, some poems tend to avoid this, they crowd a poem with vivd descriptions but dont focus on its true meaning and theme, you however have.
it made me feel for the poet/narrator though, the vivid descriptions of the person and the narrator involved made me feel sorry for you, which is a good if you want the reader toread and feel some kind of emotion, you've achieved that.
nice job. keep up the good work.

i'm daunted. so i'll take a really deep breath and begin.

all right. this is rant-y. but you rant well. you have to clean up your spelling, but i wouldn't do anything to the grammar. the ranting and insecure sense of this goes well with the lack of punctuation, but not so much...in some places i would like it swept up, but i think it's pretty obvious where - only if it obstructs from the comprehension of the poem, which is rarely.

you're repetitive and sigh...such a poet. this is beautiful, and i deeply feel for you and/or the speaker of the poem (probably you). yet, i still hope you do not awaken in vomit pools every morning. not pretty. =[

beautiful =

And I'm not asking for your
Sahara nights or weekend adventures, I just want a passport photo
to keep in my wallet.

i think a square is very complex. it seems simple, at first, but it's balanced and...i'm rambling.

enjoyed the revised. good.

heh The ending was kind of surprising. But it was so nice to read...

I really like this.
It's honest and it's clever and there's no philisophical puzzle to figure out.
It's just genuine emotion, and--the ending was a good one.
Nice work.

wow, brad, this is like the old poetry i used to love so much, you know the stuff I used to print off and frame and put on my walls and moving on...

I love the repitition and the way you really made me feel connected to your poem and to you, and I wouldn't change anything about the first version, although the second was okay, the first just moved me more. Well, anyway, I just really liked it.

Oooo...intriguing...I really like the flow of this poem, and the pace it goes. Oftentimes I find it hard for poetry (especially mine!) to keep up with the crazy pace of my brain, and this one seems to do it...not to mention the fact that SOC is wunderbar. I feel like I'm transported into the place you were. If I could change anything, I would shift the moods around a bit...it seems too mono-moody. And it seems like a teenager wrote it, and a teenager did, but there's quite a bit of "love me back, plase!" stuff going on and that can be overdone sometimes. But I think you did it quite well.