Lost

5 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2486
Reviews 21
This was more of an essay rather than a short story. Wrote it for school, which meant i had a word limit, was kind of hoping for some opinions. I'm considering lengthening the piece and adding a little bit more to the general idea. Trying to make the impact even greater, please give as much feedback as possible... ToLy :?

John was not your average teenager. He had a maturity far beyond his age. His intelligence was one which shadowed the intelligence of all those around him. He was constantly a figure-head in both discipline and academic excellence, yet he was also extremely popular. His blonde shaggy locks that fell onto his shoulders, piercing light blue eyes and a sportsman’s physique made him a favourite amongst his peers especially the ladies.
The time had come now for John to enter his final schooling year. He was confident in himself, he would prove to everyone that he would excel and show them that all the hard work both he, and his educators put in had paid off. Yet the pressure that fell onto his shoulders was immense, and for the first time in his short life he felt stressed. This is John’s story:
John looked out at the hundreds of gathered students below. He gulped in anticipation, and trepidation; he had stood in front of the crowd many times before, yet he couldn't shake the ominous feeling that sat within his stomach. He could not help but shake nervously, ever so slightly. His teachers stood behind him, offering reassuring smiles. His favourite teacher smiled and gave him a ‘thumbs up’ as he walked onto the stage and addressed the crowd below with his first speech as head-boy.
John looked out as the crowd below applauded him as he walked towards the podium. Their sheer numbers scared him; he could not understand how he had become the so-called leading head and role model for all those children below. The air around him felt heavy, his collar was tight around his neck, his palms were sweaty, and his tongue was as dry as a desert on a winter’s day. Yet somehow he smiled his charismatic smile at everyone below and delivered his speech. He spoke of how the world around them was continually changing, how the people as individuals had to change with the world, but not to the conformities of the world. They had to remain as individuals, standing out amongst their peers. he spoke of how they should all work together and even went to the extent of quoting Gandhi when he said, "We must learn to stand together as brothers, or perish like fools." His speech was awe inspiring, his audience was captivated by his words, and when he finally wished them all well in the year to come, hoping that he would be the person they needed him to be, the crowd burst into applause. The weight of it all fell even heavier onto his shoulders, how could he be a leader to his fellow scholars when he had so many dark desires and secrets that he hid away. Yet still he smiled that smile, and kept on his facade, never revealing his turbulent mind to those around.
The moment he came down the podium steps he felt warm arms around him and the sweet scent of lavender in the air, he hugged back holding his girlfriend in his arms enjoying the warmth she gave him. She whispered into his ear, “Loved the speech babe, hope that it’s not gonna change your mind about coming to my party tonight, now that you a role model, wouldn't be too good for you if you were say caught partying.” John laughed and replied, “Wouldn’t miss it for the world love,” and pecked her ever so slightly on the lips.
School passed by as a blur, between the congratulations and words of thanks and encouragement John noticed a distance between himself and the people around him. His felt as if his grasp of control was slowly slipping through his finger. The need within him was too strong. He knew that the party would have what he needed, a place of rest, a place where he longed to be, a place where he could feel free. His mind was preoccupied with these thought and he soon found himself at the end of yet another day at school.
His girlfriend held onto his arm as he walked out of the school yard, the adoration and love in her eyes made him smile. She was the only person that he felt he truly connected with, yet still even she did not know all of his problems and fears. She did not realise the state he was in at this moment in his life. He felt weird in knowing that here was a person that would give up everything for his happiness, yet he could not afford to see her sad just for a fleeting moment of his own happiness. Love was weird he thought, it provided with the one high he received without any ‘underhand’ methods.
He soon had to part with her though, and as he made his way home, his anticipation for the night to come only increased. His walk home brought him out of his thoughts, he realised that once again he would have to face them; his parents, with their fantastical dreams they had for him, and their over expectant hopes and demands! He often wondered why he put up with all of it, but at the end of it all deep down he loved them; even though they sometimes looked at him with Green eyes, and never treated him like a real son.
He stared up at the house he called home, even though it hardly felt like it, its’ cold walls seem to draw out the light his love had put in his heart, yet he continued up the stony steps to the front door. Slowly the oaken door creaked open and he was assailed with the houses musky, and dusty smell. Typical his workaholic parents had left it dirty, his father hadn’t been home for three days, due to some business trip, and his mother was probably too busy at work to even notice it. Grumbling he made his way into the kitchen where a day’s washing had already stacked up, even though it was just him and his mother.
He yanked the fridge door open and peered inside, typical the milk was sour and there was nothing really edible. “Thank God for two minute noodles,” he sighed as he grabbed a pack and heated up some water. The noodles though bland helped him take his mind of the empty house that confined him. Soon he found himself drifting off to sleep at the table, so he made his way into his room upstairs lighting a cigarette, this was the side he never showed to people, his inner darkness he liked to say. He soon fell asleep, and was awaken by his alarm, which meant it was already 7pm the party beckoned.
He freshened up and made his way to the party on foot. His need had grown but he knew it would soon be satisfied. By the time he arrived at the party, it was only just beginning. His girlfriend’s parents were out of town so naturally the illegal dealings had also begun. He had already seen 6-packs of beer being opened and passed around. He was offered one, but alcohol wasn’t his best friend. There were some surprised faces in the crowd when they saw him; most people had doubted he would have come even though it was his girlfriend’s party. Yet there he was, and no sooner had he arrived, his girlfriend, the party hostess, had become part of his arm
John seemed though felt distant, he was enjoying the company of his girlfriend and some friends, yet still he was not fully at ease. It was no surprise when he eventually walked outside for a breath of fresh air. He watched the passing cars on the highway outside, the music came towards him from the house, and he saw a group of teens sitting to one side of the house. He approached them and the pungent smell of cannabis assailed him. Yet he had already lost himself in the cadence of ‘Gareth Emery’s-Sanctuary,’ he had found his need... his sanctuary. He joined the group.
His throat ached slightly, but all his other problems had left him. He felt alive again the great burden that had been placed on him by everyone had disappeared. He laughed easily as he walked onto the road, and the approaching lights played tricks in his clouded mind. He smiled and sang a verse from ‘Coldplay’s- God put a smile upon your face,’ the lights were breathtakingly close, the drivers shocked face clear in his mind... it was the last thing he saw as he laughed out loud for the last time
The newspaper headline read, “Star student... Lost!”
Last edited by TolyVilapoo on Fri Apr 01, 2011 7:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 23
TolyVilapoo wrote:This was more of an essay rather than a short story. wrote it for school, was kind of hoping for some opinions. I'm considering lengthening the piece and adding a little bit more to the general idea. Trying to make the impact even greater, please give as much feedback as possible... ToLy :?

John was not your average teenager. He had a maturity far beyond his age. His intelligence was one which shadowed the intelligence of all those around him. He was constantly a figure-head in both discipline and academic excellence, yet he was also extremely popular. His blonde shaggy locks that fell onto his shoulders, piercing light blue eyes and a sportsman’s physique made him extremely popular amongst his peers especially the ladies.I see what you're trying to convey, however, you have used "popular" in two consecutive sentences. You might want to rephrase."
The time had come now for John to enter his final schooling year. He was confident in himself, he would prove to everyone that he would excel and show them that all the hard work both he, and his educators put in had paid off. Yet the pressure that fell onto his shoulders was immense, and for the first time in his short life he felt stressed. This is John’s story:
John looked out at the hundreds of gathered students below. He gulped in anticipation, and trepidation, as he had stood in front of the crowd many times before, yet he couldn't shake the ominous feeling that sat within his stomach. He could not help but shake nervously ever so slightly. His teachers stood behind him, offering reassuring smiles. His favourite teacher smiled and gave him a ‘thumbs up’ as he walked onto the stage and addressed the crowd below with his first speech as head-boy.
John looked out as the crowd below applauded him as he walked towards the podium. Their sheer numbers scared him; he could not understand how he had become the so-called leading head and role model for all those children below. The air around him felt heavy, his collar was tight around his neck, his palms were sweaty, and his tongue was as dry as a desert on a winter’s day. Yet somehow he smiled his charismatic smile at everyone below and delivered his speech.
The moment he came down the podium steps he felt warm arms around him and the sweet scent of lavender in the air, he hugged back holding his girlfriend in his arms enjoying the warmth she gave him. She whispered into his ear, “Loved the speech babe, hope that it’s not gonna change your mind about coming to my party tonight.” John replied, “Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” and pecked her ever so slightly on the lips.
That night at his girlfriends party John seemed distant. He felt distant. It was no surprise when he walked outside for a breath of fresh air. He watched the passing cars on the highway outside, the music came towards him from the house, and he saw a group of teens sitting to one side of the house. He approached them and the pungent smell of cannabis assailed him. Yet he had already lost himself in the cadence of ‘Gareth Emery’s-Sanctuary,’ He joined the group.
His throat ached slightly, but all his other problems were gone. He felt alive again, he laughed easily as he walked onto the road, and the approaching lights played tricks in his clouded mind. He smiled and sang a verse from ‘Coldplay’s- God put a smile upon your face,’ the lights were breathtakingly close he laughed out loud for the last time
The newspaper headline read, “Star student... Lost!”

Lovely piece of work, however i don't understand why he was tense, even after the speech(that was his main obstacle) was made.
Why can't we have drops of sunshine, and rays of rain?




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2486
Reviews 21
Hey thanks for those little pointers. hmm I'm working on improving the story, i should be lengthening it soon and providing a little more insight into his life and stressed situation. I'll repost it once I'm finished with the next draft.
Toly
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 187518
Reviews 1657
This has the potential to be a really good story but needs quite a bit of work.
It is very difficult at the end to tell if he actually died, you need to emphasise the fact that he's in the middle of the street.
Again, as has already been pointed out; we don't know why he was under so much pressure after the speech.
Even if he was under pressure would he walk directly into the gang doing drugs? I don't speak from experience but I would imagine he would have more inner conflict about choosing to join them.
Also, why would his speech deter him from going to his girlfriend's party?

There are a lot more questions but as I sense it is unfinished I will leave it at this for now. I don't see any point in pointing out grammer or structure because as of yet it is not full.

Feel free to contact if you have any questions :)




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 2486
Reviews 21
Hey thanks for the advice man.
I've edited the story tel me what you think guys. still feel i could do a bit more to it. hoping for more feedback.
"You know you're in love when you can't go to sleep, because reality is finally better than your dreams." Dr Seuss



Alakazam BIOS discography Philadelphia à la disco [...] Nitrogen! I.E. polyester Garfunkle'n Garfield!
— John West (The Frugal Wizard's Handbook for Surviving Medieval England by Brandon Sanderson)