vengeance (chapter five)

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Chapter five
What happened next was fairly anticlimactic. Two boys, identical down to the very cloths and weapons they carried, stepped from the foliage calmly. Sarah and I were still poised in combat stances with our weapons raised, (Sarah had a handful of powder which I assumed caused some unpleasant side effect on whom it was thrown) and we stood in awe as the boys calmly began rifling through their victim's belongings. They were a little younger than Sarah, and had bold adventurous expressions on their handsome faces. Their blond hair was trimmed fairly short, and they wore green hunting coats with the hoods down, as well as green leather chaps. One of them began talking in a manner that suggested he had said the same words hundreds of times.

"Stay calm, we're not here to harm you in any way. The two of us are going to liberate all of the money that these men have stolen, and we would appreciate it if you would go about your business and not interfere. Also if you could not tell anyone about this little operation we have going here, that would be great."

"Incredible," Dean said, looking not at but past the two boys.

"What?" I asked, seeing the awe struck expression he wore.

"They only have one Chi."

"how is that possible?"

"I don't know," he said, and I put the issue out of my mind to make room for more pressing matters.

"Who are you," I said, addressing both twins at the same time, as there was no discernable difference. Suddenly they looked up in unison, as if just acknowledging that Sarah and I were present.

"I'm James, he's John, nice to meet you," he said blandly as we lowered our weapons.

"My name is Duncan and she's Sarah, thank you for helping us with those highway men."

"You're welcome," one of them said without looking up from the gold coins he was counting. I had already forgotten which one was which, considering I had never seen identical twins before. Until then, I didn't even know they existed.

"What are you doing out here in the wilderness, don't you have family somewhere?" Sarah asked. At once, the twins seemed to become interested in our presence, and stopped rifling through the dead men's pockets.

"We ran away from home. You guys don't look to old either, where are your families?" one of them responded, seeming insulted, as if by asking Sarah had called him too young to be living without parents.

"Kane killed them."

"Mine are dead too."

The boy looked apologetic, but before he could say anything, his twin cut in.

"You know Kane?"

"We're on a mission to kill him," I said, watching the effect of this statement on the two boys. Surprisingly, they seemed overjoyed.

"So you know where he is then?"

"yeah, she does," I said, gesturing to Sarah, who looked like she had contracted stage fright in the past three seconds, and looked back and forth from the three of us nervously.

"How?" one of them asked excitedly.

"I've been tracking him," she said quietly.

"well that's great, can we join you?"

"You want to kill Kane also?" I said, taken aback by the offer. The boy rested his arm around my shoulder casually, as a smile grew across his face.

"Duncan, we make our money off of killing criminals, usually petty thugs. This guy Kane, we've heard about him. Word on the street is that some villages pay ten thousand gold for his capture or assassination, so we'll make you a deal. How about fifty percent goes to you and your lady friend, and fifty goes to us?"

"You can keep all the money, I don't want any of it. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do once I kill Kane, but the act of killing him will be reward enough."

The charismatic bargaining smile that the boy wore was replaced by an I-Just-got-a-lot-of-money smile, that he shared with his twin. After giving each other a consulting glance, they agreed to come with us to kill Kane, and slung their bows over their shoulders. As we walked in the direction of the forest, a question nagged me that I felt like a fool for not wondering before. I had happily agreed to follow Sarah at the time, but in my eagerness to kill Kane, I had never asked a very important question.

"Why were you tracking Kane?" Sarah looked surprised by the question.

"The same reason you're on this quest. He killed my grandmother. I want vengeance." She didn't have quite the same fire in her eyes as I did when I said things like that, and I began to wonder, is that what I'll be like once the full realization of my loss hits me? Will I have that same defeated look? I didn't even share these thoughts with Dean, and I again wondered how he was taking the loss of all of the people he knew. If it affected him much he didn't show it.

"Then I guess Kane had better watch his back. With the four of us, he doesn't stand a chance." I responded, wondering why she hadn't told me earlier about her grandmother.

We made it to the entrance of the forest just as the sun began to set, and together we set up camp. The tall trees loomed over us, and I thought of all the stories I had heard about monsters inhabiting those woods. Maybe it would be different than I imagined, I thought hopefully. After all, Sarah turned out to be a lot less creepy than what I had heard about witch doctors, so maybe Blightwood Forest will be a cakewalk, I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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Here I am at last! I hope I can get through all of this!

psudiname wrote:Chapter five
What happened next was fairly anticlimactic. Two boys, identical down to the very cloths and weapons they carried, stepped from the foliage calmly. Sarah and I were still poised in combat stances with our weapons raised, (Sarah had a handful of powder which I assumed caused some unpleasant side effect on whom it was thrown) and we stood in awe as the boys calmly began rifling through their victim's belongings. They were a little younger than Sarah who is how old? , and had bold adventurous expressions on their handsome faces. Their blond hair was trimmed fairly short, and they wore green hunting coats with the hoods down, as well as green leather chaps. One of them began talking in a manner that suggested he had said the same words hundreds of times.

"Stay calm, we're not here to harm you in any way. The two of us are going to liberate all of the money that these men have stolen, and we would appreciate it if you would go about your business and not interfere. Also if you could not tell anyone about this little operation we have going here, that would be great."

"Incredible," Dean said, looking not at but past the two boys.

"What?" I asked, seeing the awe struck expression he wore.

"They only have one Chi."

"how is that possible?"

"I don't know," he said, and I put the issue out of my mind to make room for more pressing matters.

"Who are you?," I said, addressing both twins at the same time, as there was no discernable difference. Suddenly they looked up in unison, as if just acknowledging that Sarah and I were present.

"I'm James, he's John, nice to meet you," he said blandly as we lowered our weapons.

"My name is Duncan and she's Sarah, thank you for helping us with those highway men."

"You're welcome," one of them said without looking up from the gold coins he was counting. I had already forgotten which one was which, considering I had never seen identical twins before. Until then, I didn't even know they existed. Then how would he know what they were referred to as?

"What are you doing out here in the wilderness, don't you have family somewhere?" Sarah asked. At once, the twins seemed to become interested in our presence,although accroding to what you said previously they have already looked up and therefore already become interested in their presence. and stopped rifling through the dead men's pockets.

"We ran away from home. You guys don't look to old either, where are your families?" one of them responded, seeming insulted, as if by asking Sarah had called him too young to be living without parents.

"Kane killed them."

"Mine are dead too."

The boy looked apologetic, but before he could say anything, his twin cut in.

"You know Kane?"

"We're on a mission to kill him," I said, watching the effect of this statement on the two boys. Surprisingly, they seemed overjoyed.

"So you know where he is then?"

"Ycapital letter <--eah, she does," I said, gesturing to Sarah, who looked like she had contracted stage fright in the past three seconds, and looked back and forth from the three of us nervously.

"How?" one of them asked excitedly.

"I've been tracking him," she said quietly.

"Well that's great, can we join you?"

"You want to kill Kane also?" I said, taken aback by the offer. The boy rested his arm around my shoulder casually, as a smile grew across his face.

"Duncan, we make our money off of killing criminals, usually petty thugs. This guy Kane, we've heard about him. Word on the street is that some villages pay ten thousand gold for his capture or assassination, so we'll make you a deal. How about fifty percent goes to you and your lady friend, and fifty goes to us?"

"You can keep all the money, I don't want any of it. I'm not even sure what I'm going to do once I kill Kane, but the act of killing him will be reward enough."

The charismatic bargaining smile that the boy wore was replaced by an I-just-got-a-lot-of-money smile, that he shared with his twin. After giving each other a consulting glance, they agreed to come with us to kill Kane, and slung their bows over their shoulders. As we walked in the direction of the forest, a question nagged me that I felt like a fool for not wondering before. I had happily agreed to follow Sarah at the time, but in my eagerness to kill Kane, I had never asked a very important question.

"Why were you tracking Kane?" Sarah looked surprised by the question.

"The same reason you're on this quest. He killed my grandmother. I want vengeance." She didn't have quite the same fire in her eyes as I did when I said things like that, and I began to wonder, was that what I'd be like once the full realization of my loss hit me? Will I have that same defeated look? I didn't even share these thoughts with Dean, and I again wondered how he was taking the loss of all of the people he knew. If it affected him much he didn't show it.

"Then I guess Kane had better watch his back. With the four of us, he doesn't stand a chance." I responded, wondering why she hadn't told me earlier about her grandmother.

We made it to the entrance of the forest just as the sun began to set, and together we set up camp. The tall trees loomed over us, and I thought of all the stories I had heard about monsters inhabiting those woods. Maybe it would be different than I imagined, I thought hopefully. After all, Sarah turned out to be a lot less creepy than what I had heard about witch doctors, so maybe Blightwood Forest will be a cakewalk, I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong.



There aren't many gramatical errors that I can find, it seems well written if a little. Keep writing and feel free to post more on my WRFF thread :)




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Hello again! :)

From the sounds of how the story is going, they're going to have enough people joining them to kill Kane and all of his men! By this, I mean, it's getting a little predictable. Predictable in the sense that "Oh he killed my family, let's go together!" Just make sure it's always fresh and exciting, or you'll lose readers!

Other than that, it was really good. When I was reading the beginning, I was confused as to why they didn't shoot Duncan and Sarah, but I'm glad they gave the explanation of "We only kill Kane's men, and take their money." That cleared things up.

Overall, I liked this, and I can feel the story building. The detail was amazing, yet again, and I'm hooked on this novel! :) Great job again!

~Amfli
GO TEAM TOXIC NUDIBRANCH! :D
Forever for All <3

MUSIC RULES! :)

Everyday is Earth Day! :D




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Alright, let's just dive right into it!

What happened next was fairly anticlimactic. Two boys, identical down to the very cloths and weapons they carried, stepped from the foliage calmly. Sarah and I were still poised in combat stances with our weapons raised, (Sarah had a handful of powder which I assumed caused some unpleasant side effect on whom it was thrown) and we stood in awe as the boys calmly began rifling through their victim's belongings. They were a little younger than Sarah, and had bold adventurous expressions on their handsome faces. Their blond hair was trimmed fairly short, and they wore green hunting coats with the hoods down, as well as green leather chaps. One of them began talking in a manner that suggested he had said the same words hundreds of times.

Wow, that is kind of anticlimactic! But at least they're safe. Hmm, Robin Hood twins? Not a bad idea, and there's a lot you could do with it! What I wanted to see that I didn't was more about their Chi. What's the deal with that? Is he twice as powerful? And also a general comment: you need to involve the Chis in the story more if you want to have them around. Dean's got enough presence (although he could have more), but what about Rebecca? And this new Chi? Give them a little more stuff to do, just flesh 'em out more. And also, I want more showing in this passage! And it's kind of an information dump. Either spread out their physical description over several paragraphs, or use more physical details, like I'm always yammerin on about. Preferably a combination of the two.

"Kane killed them."

"Mine are dead too."

The boy looked apologetic, but before he could say anything, his twin cut in.

"You know Kane?"

"We're on a mission to kill him," I said, watching the effect of this statement on the two boys. Surprisingly, they seemed overjoyed.

"So you know where he is then?"

"yeah, she does," I said, gesturing to Sarah, who looked like she had contracted stage fright in the past three seconds, and looked back and forth from the three of us nervously.

"How?" one of them asked excitedly.

"I've been tracking him," she said quietly.

"well that's great, can we join you?"

This is too scripted. It's short, bland, and used a thousand and six times. Spice it up a bit! You know what this needs? To go in an entirely different direction! I'll PM you about it later or something, but I've got a feeling on what you could do with it!

The charismatic bargaining smile that the boy wore was replaced by an I-Just-got-a-lot-of-money smile, that he shared with his twin.

I do however like this line, haha. It's fun and lighthearted :D that's your specialty.

"Why were you tracking Kane?" Sarah looked surprised by the question.

"The same reason you're on this quest. He killed my grandmother. I want vengeance." She didn't have quite the same fire in her eyes as I did when I said things like that, and I began to wonder, is that what I'll be like once the full realization of my loss hits me? Will I have that same defeated look? I didn't even share these thoughts with Dean, and I again wondered how he was taking the loss of all of the people he knew. If it affected him much he didn't show it.

I like this passage, but a few notes on it.
- I like Sarah's lack of emotion here (of course, I know the plot, so it's obvious to me), but you might want to make sure you hint at it just enough so that your uninformed reader doesn't think you're just being a lazy author
- Why isn't Duncan sharing thoughts with his Chi? That seems just like it's wrong in and of itself. You've painted a picture of two beings as close as they can be, so I think they should be sharing their thoughts. Just my opinion though, do what you want with your characters
- I also really like Duncan's thoughts of what he's going to be like in the future, like what Sarah's acting like. Good imagery :D

After all, Sarah turned out to be a lot less creepy than what I had heard about witch doctors, so maybe Blightwood Forest will be a cakewalk, I thought. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Pretty good segway into the next chapter, and I like the comparison to Sarah and his meeting her. You're getting better at writing this story! I'm enjoying reading it.
- SOCKS
Would you kindly?




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Until then, I didn't even know they existed.

Then how does he know what to call them? Why isn't he a little more shocked, asking how they looked alike and everything. I mean, think about it. If you'd never heard of a thing like identical twins and then two people who looked exactly alike came walking up to you, you'd wonder how that one person made himself appear twice. You might assume it was magic, if you were in this setting. So why does Duncan so calmly accept this? I would think he should be freaking out just a little more.

Surprisingly, they seemed overjoyed.

Why is this surprising? So far, no one seems to like Kane and these kids just seem like they're trying to get by, rather than living with some staunchly radical political opinions. Seems like of course they'd be happy to get rid of the local big bad evil guy.

I had happily agreed to follow Sarah at the time, but in my eagerness to kill Kane, I had never asked a very important question.

Erm yeah, that was kind of dumb of him. Why didn't he think to ask this before? I mean, like I said before, she doesn't have much of a reason to trust him, but he doesn't have much of a reason to trust her either. Methinks he should have been a little more cautious before. Didn't Dean think of this either? These guys would totally deserve it if she'd poisoned them in their sleep or something.

I responded, wondering why she hadn't told me earlier about her grandmother.

Yes, why indeed? See my previous "poisoning in sleep" comment.

The twins were the most interesting characters introduced so far, mainly because they showed a bit of personality and we got a bit of backstory on them. It was fun to watch their banter back and forth and the way that they made everyone else talk was a plus. It added a lot to the story and made me care about their outcome a bit more, even if they might turn out to be con men of the tenth degree.

Still moving on to the next chapter!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



Not many will ever really understand you / That doesn't mean you aren't worth understanding
— Quillfeather