vengeance (chapter four)

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click here if you haven't read the first chapter topic78137.html . this is going to be very difficult to read if you haven't...


Chapter four

We ate breakfast as we left, a meal of bread and salted meat. Whenever people came to a medicine lady for help, they were obliged to bring a gift, usually food, which is how Sarah kept fed. Unfortunately, this meant she rarely got fresh food, and had to evade malnourishment only with the help of dried fruit.


As we stepped out of the door, filing our mouths with food, the chilly autumn air swept over me, giving me goose bumps and forcing me to shiver momentarily. The landscape before us was grassy and vast, and the hills seemed to stretch on forever. There was only one path leading in the direction we were going; a dusty rocky dirt road that seemed like it had accommodated many travelers in the past. Gradually, the beautiful hilly landscape degraded into a wild, bumpy path, dotted with bushes, trees and rocks on either side of it. We could no longer see to the horizon in all directions, and as the area became more and more rough, we came across a sign.

Below several words that were scribbled out, the wooden sign read in white chalk: "civilization 2 miles".

"What do you make of that?" I asked Sarah.

"It's clearly a trap. Everyone knows this area is full of highwaymen, and you won't find civilization on any map for another thirty miles."

"I'll bet the sign said 'beware of highwaymen' before it got crossed out," Dean suggested as he directed energy gradually into my legs so they wouldn't tire.

"Well let's continue, we knew there would be trouble this way when we started," I said.

"Right. We'll walk until nightfall, then we'll set up camp." Sarah responded decisively.


Soon, night fell, and the trees, bushes and rocks all appeared to be threatening figures. We had not yet been attacked, and had made it almost a third of the way to the forest. That was what I was dreading. I was sure that with Dean's help I could take a couple highwaymen, but the few survivors of what was fearfully referred to as "Blightwood Forest", described monsters that struck like lightning, and stung people with poison. It was not the part of the journey I was looking forward to. That would come later, when I would get to plunge my sword through the heart of that warlord, Kane.


As we set up camp, which consisted of our two packs, Sarah's makeshift bed, and a small glass with something glowing inside it to provide light. I had no idea how it worked, but I didn't feel like asking Sarah. She was busy doing some kind of ritual. The thought had only just crossed my mind to ask what she was doing, when Dean cut in.

"Don't ask her any questions, apparently Rebecca doesn't like to be disturbed while doing magic."

"It's not magic it's medicine."

"Whatever."

"What is she trying to do anyway?" I asked, silently observing her place stones in a wide circle around our camp, while dusting them with some sort of powder.

"Some sort of protection spell I think."


When she finished, Sarah explained that no one would be able to cross the ring of what she called runes. They looked like rocks to me, but according to her, they now made an invisible and almost impenetrable barrier. She warned me that I would probably die a horrible death if I left the circle and then reentered. Part of me hoped she was joking.

"Sarah," I said, as we laid on the bundles of cloth that made up our beds.

"Yes Duncan?"

"Where is your family?"

"My parents died when I was very young, and my grandmother raised me until two years ago, when she died too. She taught me everything I know. What about you?"

"My village was my family, but they're gone now."

"Gone?" she asked, clearly wondering how an entire village could have disappeared.

"Kane killed them, and burned everything."


There was silence for a moment, and then a few weak sobs. I looked over at Sarah, who was crying lightly into her bedroll.


"It's okay," I said, trying to console her, "I'm fine, really." I was still very confused as to why she was crying in the first place, but assumed it was out of pity for me.

"I'm sorry Duncan," she said, sobbing harder, "I'm so sorry."

"What's her problem," Dean said bitterly, "It's not like it was her village."

Later that night, it became apparent that she was not joking about the horrible death. My sword was already in my hand when I heard a man shrieking with pain about three yards from where I was standing. His body was engulfed in flames, and several feet behind him stood three terrified highwaymen. They dropped their weapons and ran for their lives. As I realized I was safe, my heart gradually relaxed its rapid fire pace, and my sword found its way back to my sheath. I walked towards where the body laid, a look of shear astonishment on my face. All that was left of him was a charred skeleton, and metal coins he had been robbing from people. I guess she did come in handy after all.


When morning broke, I made breakfast, (which was made by taking a piece of bread and some dried fruit out of a bag) as Sarah carefully undid the magical barrier around us. Dean wouldn't shut up about how Rebecca had stopped talking to him, so I began to ignore him. At last, after all of the breakfast was eaten, we began to walk again.


I began to get an uncanny feeling that we were being watched, though that was probably just nerves. It was understandable why I was nervous, because while I might have been able to handle a couple thieves, not knowing when the ambush would happen was nerve wracking. I tried to make small talk with Sarah.

"So if you don't mind me asking, what's the most powerful spell you can do?"

"Well if by powerful you mean it takes a long time, and does something really cool, I guess you could say the empathy link," she said, with a hint of distain for how much I oversimplified her craft.

"What does it do?"

"It bonds you to the person you cast it on, and any harm that comes to them also comes to you."

"That sounds horrible, why would anyone want to cast that?"

"People have their reasons," she said mysteriously, "Hey is there any of that dried peach left?"

"Yeah, I think there are some in the-" I said, before I was tackled to the ground. With Dean's help, I rolled the man off of me, giving me enough space to draw my sword. Three more of them came out of the bushes on either side of us. As we had walked, I had not noticed the foliage getting thicker on both our left and our right, allowing a perfect hiding place for thieves.

Suddenly, the man who tackled me lunged in my direction with his oversized knife. I was halfway through the motion of trying to stab him when he fell backwards awkwardly. An arrow protruded from his eye, sticking out of him like some sort of grotesque new appendage. The other three assassins, two of whom were attacking me from behind, and the third menacing Sarah, all dropped dead in a similar fashion. Their killers were undetectable in the surrounding brush. My blood ran cold, wondering if I was next in line.
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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Sorry I didn't get around to this for a while! I'm going to read the other chapters first -this space is saved for my review!-




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Hey there!

Again, you nailed it. Although I was a teensy-weensy confused as to why Sarah went with him. If she's a "medicine woman" (and most certainly not a witch doctor ;) xD) then why would she leave her duties to go with him? It just seems a bit strange.

But now you've left us with a bit of a cliffhanger. Two, actually, which I love. I want to know who the person is who shot the attackers, obviously, but I also want to know why she was so devastated when Duncan told her Kane had burned down his village.

Well, now I'm super excited to read the next chapter! I didn't see any grammar errors in this piece, and the detail was beautiful, once again! Awesome job! :)

~Amfli
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Hello again 'ol buddy, 'ol pal! Looks like another interesting installment you've got here, and it brought me more action, and hopefully more points (since I've been feelin' out of it, you guys are pullin ahead! And we can't have that now, can we?)!

Haha, to the reviewer above me, Sarah going with him is all part of the plot, heehee (psudiname has discussed the whole thing with me, so I know a bunch of the plot twists). But still, it's an interesting question to be asking, and I think it works with the plot. Plus, it's not like she has an official business or apothecary or anything per se, so she's not really leaving her duties. And honestly, how else would we reach the romance we all know is going to happen? haha

Below several words that were scribbled out, the wooden sign read in white chalk: "civilization 2 miles".

"What do you make of that?" I asked Sarah.

"It's clearly a trap. Everyone knows this area is full of highwaymen, and you won't find civilization on any map for another thirty miles."

It's an Admiral Akbar moment! haha (that's the alien who says "it's a trap," you know, like sometimes you see in Nostalgia Critic reviews?). Anyway, I don't know why, but I really like this exchange of dialogue. It speaks to me :D

Soon, night fell, and the trees, bushes and rocks all appeared to be threatening figures. We had not yet been attacked, and had made it almost a third of the way to the forest. That was what I was dreading. I was sure that with Dean's help I could take a couple highwaymen, but the few survivors of what was fearfully referred to as "Blightwood Forest", described monsters that struck like lightning, and stung people with poison. It was not the part of the journey I was looking forward to. That would come later, when I would get to plunge my sword through the heart of that warlord, Kane.

Oooh, Blightwood Forest! How very fantasy-named! Sounds like it could be a forest from that Neopets video game I played (in a good way! It was a fun game). Or maybe from that game Two Worlds. Oh, and the last couple lines of this paragraph are great. You really emphasize how much Duncan is thinking about taking Kane down, and even compare it to other things to show how big it is in his head. Well done, my apprentice, you're doing well!

As we set up camp, which consisted of our two packs, Sarah's makeshift bed, and a small glass with something glowing inside it to provide light. I had no idea how it worked, but I didn't feel like asking Sarah. She was busy doing some kind of ritual. The thought had only just crossed my mind to ask what she was doing, when Dean cut in.

Good description here, but don't begin the first sentence with 'as' if you're going to end it like you did. It's grammatically incorrect. I like how you immediately get into Sarah's magic (oops, I mean medicine) and some stuff she can do. Way to not keep the reader waiting!

"Don't ask her any questions, apparently Rebecca doesn't like to be disturbed while doing magic."

"It's not magic it's medicine."

"Whatever."

"What is she trying to do anyway?" I asked, silently observing her place stones in a wide circle around our camp, while dusting them with some sort of powder.

"Some sort of protection spell I think."

You know what makes me happy about this passage here? YOU'RE SHOWING AND NOT TELLING! You're actually describing what Sarah's doing, and how Duncan reacts to it. Yes! That's good and you need more passages like this :D

When she finished, Sarah explained that no one would be able to cross the ring of what she called runes. They looked like rocks to me, but according to her, they now made an invisible and almost impenetrable barrier. She warned me that I would probably die a horrible death if I left the circle and then reentered. Part of me hoped she was joking.

You know what you should add here? Instead of her just explaining what the runes do, have her demonstrate it! Not only does it work as imagery for the reader, but character-wise, it could be a way of her trying to impress Duncan, you know? Show-off a little medicine skill! Just a thought.

"Sarah," I said, as we laid on the bundles of cloth that made up our beds.

"Yes Duncan?"

"Where is your family?"

"My parents died when I was very young, and my grandmother raised me until two years ago, when she died too. She taught me everything I know. What about you?"

"My village was my family, but they're gone now."

"Gone?" she asked, clearly wondering how an entire village could have disappeared.

"Kane killed them, and burned everything."


There was silence for a moment, and then a few weak sobs. I looked over at Sarah, who was crying lightly into her bedroll.


"It's okay," I said, trying to console her, "I'm fine, really." I was still very confused as to why she was crying in the first place, but assumed it was out of pity for me.

"I'm sorry Duncan," she said, sobbing harder, "I'm so sorry."

"What's her problem," Dean said bitterly, "It's not like it was her village."

This is a fantastic passage here! You're really getting the emotion! Heehee, I know why Sarah's crying! good foreshadowing, really provides a good plot question. I also really like Dean's line there. Emotional, and good language! You really are getting better!

Later that night, it became apparent that she was not joking about the horrible death. My sword was already in my hand when I heard a man shrieking with pain about three yards from where I was standing. His body was engulfed in flames, and several feet behind him stood three terrified highwaymen. They dropped their weapons and ran for their lives. As I realized I was safe, my heart gradually relaxed its rapid fire pace, and my sword found its way back to my sheath. I walked towards where the body laid, a look of shear astonishment on my face. All that was left of him was a charred skeleton, and metal coins he had been robbing from people. I guess she did come in handy after all.

Good paragraph here. You've demonstrated what the runes do, and given Duncan some appreciation for Sarah. I think this would be an even more effective passage if Sarah had a moment where she did something/said something after the runes act, you know, to get Duncan's attention. Try to impress him with her mad skillz! haha

It was understandable why I was nervous, because while I might have been able to handle a couple thieves, not knowing when the ambush would happen was nerve wracking.

I like this sentence because it's a great window into Duncan's thoughts. Just pointing it out :D

"So if you don't mind me asking, what's the most powerful spell you can do?"

"Well if by powerful you mean it takes a long time, and does something really cool, I guess you could say the empathy link," she said, with a hint of distain for how much I oversimplified her craft.

"What does it do?"

"It bonds you to the person you cast it on, and any harm that comes to them also comes to you."

"That sounds horrible, why would anyone want to cast that?"

"People have their reasons," she said mysteriously, "Hey is there any of that dried peach left?"

Great dialogue, but it needs MORE SHOWING! Especially in moments like the last two lines, those are big emotional and reaction lines! Embellish them up a little, add more physical details. You know how I feel about not enough description, haha.

"Yeah, I think there are some in the-" I said, before I was tackled to the ground. With Dean's help, I rolled the man off of me, giving me enough space to draw my sword. Three more of them came out of the bushes on either side of us. As we had walked, I had not noticed the foliage getting thicker on both our left and our right, allowing a perfect hiding place for thieves.

I like how you threw in the highwaymen ambush right in a totally nonchalant moment. But it's a little soon after Duncan says he's dreading it, don't you think? Maybe you should add a little filler. Just a suggestion, you know?

Overall, this chapter is well done, and the story is advancing beautifully! I can't wait to read the next one :D
- SOCKS
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Unfortunately, this meant she rarely got fresh food, and had to evade malnourishment only with the help of dried fruit.

So why doesn't Duncan bust out those handy-dandy rabbit-hunting skills he displayed a chapter or so ago and help the poor girl out in payment for her help? Seems like it would be the least he could do.

monsters that struck like lightning, and stung people with poison

What exactly are the extent of his powers? A few chapters ago, he was totally nonchalant about potentially facing a whole army of Kane's men, but he's worried about some monsters?

"Don't ask her any questions, apparently Rebecca doesn't like to be disturbed while doing magic."

"It's not magic it's medicine."

"Whatever."

These two seem to bicker a lot. Do they even like each other? I haven't seem them really show any sort of softer emotion for one another. How do they feel about each other? They seem to be stuck together, can they even stand each other? I want to see more of their relationship!

"It's okay," I said, trying to console her, "I'm fine, really." I was still very confused as to why she was crying in the first place, but assumed it was out of pity for me.

Okay, so why is he so cold here? I mean, he doesn't really seem to be showing any emotions about his village being burned beyond his urge to kill Kane. Why is he so shocked that someone would feel sorry for him? Is he in touch with human emotions at all? It seems like he never is showing the proper set of emotions for every situation he ends up in.

The bit about the empathy link felt like a bit of an info-dump. Why is he asking her this? Why is she telling him about it. It seems to me that she doesn't really have much of a reason to trust him, so I have to wonder if she doesn't really want to keep some sort of ace up her sleeve for her own protection.

Dun dun dunnnnn. Cliffhanger at the end here. Who's this coming along and saving them? Couldn't Duncan have handled this? Why wasn't he paying attention? He'd been really edgy and nervous before, so what made him let his guard down this much? Seems like pretty sloppy work on his part without really any explanation for it.

I'm on to the next chapter!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.



it is quite something to wound someone and then pity their scars
— canopy