Empress

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It's actually sci-fi, but it fits more here at this point in the story. sorry so long.


Arion’s hooves pounded against the earth, leaving small, round marks. He took running leaps across the land, his horn pointed straight forward like a navigation tool. The steady beat of his heart could be heard by his rider, who was firmly pressed against Arion’s body. The moon cast a faint light all over the grassy moor. The rider could see nothing through the mist, but the horse’s eyes were strong and fierce. Arion seemed to understand the direness of the mission, and that has instilled a certain iron determination in him.

Arion, the speeding horse of legend in all of Arsashia, belonged to the Empress. But astride the horse right now, legs pinned hard to the sides of the creature, was a man by the name of Ghabriel. Ghabriel whispered words of urgency into the horse’s ears, and Arion seemed to understand these more than the force of any whip that might’ve been used to set fiery speed in the horse.

Ten miles ahead of Arion and Ghabriel’s current location was a man on the very edge of the moor. He carried a lantern and looked about into the night, wearing a long brown leather trench coat. The trench coat was torn and ratty and the leather was worn in some rough patches. Occasionally you could spot some chew marks where the man had bitten – one part near the bottom had been completely ripped off and consumed. As this man would tell you within a few minutes of idle chat, the human body could live off of leather alone for a handful of days. And, in the same gruff and informative tone, he would tell you that a handful of days were just enough.

A handful of days would be a godsend to the speeding Ghabriel. The chill wind was freezing and stinging his face – his eyes struggled to remain open, first in a desert like dry state, and then watering to the brim with tears. Arion was long-distance running at around a record breaking sixty miles per hour. The horse’s panting and heart beating was the only thing that could be heard by the rider for miles around. In the silence of the night, it seemed like they were the only things that were about to something.

Ghabriel knew much better, though, and pleaded the horse to go faster. It seemed like an empty and pointless plea – Arion had already seemed to have given his best, and his best was amazing on any standards. The speed that Ghabriel needed this horse to reach was something that could not be asked by anyone in their right minds. He could ask no more from the gods, themselves.

But with these new pleas, the horse seemed to jump forward viciously, and Ghabriel had the odd feeling as though they were not even touching the ground at all. It occurred to him then what exactly he had done. Arion was up to such a speed now that he barely touched the ground, and every time he touched the ground for a second to allow his feet to propel him forward, his heart would let out a tremendous beat.

Arion could see, through his eyes, the ground speeding out from underneath him. He appeared to be going so fast that his body had immense trouble keeping up with his legs. The terrain fell into his command, and soon the lantern of the leather dressed man came into view.

Ghabriel muttered to Arion to slow his pace.

On the edge of the moor, the man dressed in leather had widened eyes at Arion and Ghabriel’s approach. He took a tentative step aside. The horse was a white blur across the land, its mane whipping about with the wind. The man took a sharp intake of breath as Arion flew across the land at a speed defying all laws of nature. Then, slowly, it let loose speed and came to a halt beside him.

The two men surveyed each other. The leather dressed man was long-haired and not well shaven. He carried an oil lantern in a hand that had suffered many cuts, bruises and burns. His teeth, which were yellowed, were bared in a grim sort of smile that resembled a grimace more than anything. His nose was misshapen, which dulled any sort of attractiveness he had left. Beer was on his breath, and other than that, it could be told that he had not showered in over a week.

But the leather dressed man had every right to gape at Ghabriel, too, for he was in quite a state. His shockingly white-blond hair was drawn back in a ponytail, but most of it had fallen out. He was still, though, clean shaven, and now that Arion had come to a stop he sat completely erect. His skin was unscathed and pale – so pale that you could see some veins winding their way up his arm. To the man surveying him, it seemed almost that he could prod this man astride the horse and his skin would rip like paper, revealing the even more delicate organs inside.

Ghabriel dismounted Arion, the fair white horse that still drew in gasping breaths, and gave him a deserving pat on the side. Arion nodded, understanding, and then lowered his head slowly in exhaustion.

“You are sent by the gods, Arion,” whispered Ghabriel. Then the fair skinned man turned to face was appeared to be his total opposite, and spoke a few choice words that he had planned out in his flight.

“Messenger,” he rasped. “Dace, is it?”

The leather dressed man nodded. “Aye,” he said, “that’d be me.”

“Please, take Arion and ride on. Set the first fire to alert all of Arsashia.”

The dark man called Dace hopped onto Arion. He looked troubled, as could be told by the way his eyebrows converged, but he obeyed. His ratty and dirty appearance rather marred the moon white beauty of Arion, but he made no whinnying protests.

“Why must I –” Dace began, but Ghabriel cut him off.

“I am Ghabriel – yes, yes, the one they call the angel of the Empress. And you, Dace, must believe me when I say that the Empress has died.”

The words, when spoken, instilled even farther fear and confusion in Dace’s eyes. He felt the sudden ice chill of the night, and stared deep into the depths of the oil-lit lantern that sat where he had stood moments before. A heavy feeling gathered underneath his eyes and he reset his gaze upon Ghabriel as the angel of the now-dead Empress opened his mouth to speak again.

“We must find her.”

Dace nodded in an agreement and gulped down his worries and cries. All the strong, battle-worn man could think of was his wife and children at home. What would become of them?

“Go!” Ghabriel bellowed, and Dace jolted as Arion took off into the night, a white streak of lightening across the cold ground.

Dace leaned close to Arion and listened to his breathing and the beating of his heart. He seemed to take some comfort in this and brushed his rough face against the side of the creature. He did not attempt to direct the horse for it seemed to know the way far better then he did himself.

Dace was a traveler. His coat pockets were filled with many things from other countries to assist him in survival in the wilderness. He has found his wife in London, England, but by the time they married they were in Arabia on a caravan. They traveled the world for many more years, seemingly on an adventure that never ended. But now he lived in a small village in northern America, raising his first child. In doing so, he took up the post as a messenger for his native country, Arsashia.

The Fires of Arsashia were strategically spaced - many were in the middle of nowhere, and you could only see the next fire if you had true-born Arsashian eyes. Arsashian eyes were extraordinary, for these eyes could see quite farther, and their search for light was so persistent that they could see on the darkest night. The fires lit all over the world, but usually drew no notice of officials. The northernmost fire was in the Artic Circle and Antarctica itself has the most Arsashian Fires then all the other continents of the world.

Of course, the Fires weren’t only there to notify those few travelers and messengers of Arsashia. They were all above a hole, that, when the fire was lit, a ball was dropped. And this ball fell all the way down to Arsashia, where it hit a plate made of Arsashian metal that let out a loud ringing sound. And so Arsashia, the people of the center of the Earth, were notified as well.

Arion was unleashing his great speed by the time the Fire came into view. Dace was leaning low over the horse, his face buried into Arion’s fur. The white beast snorted and came to a halting stop beside the fire, sucking in breaths deeply, its great white chest heaving.

Dace leaped off the horse and stared at the Fire for a few seconds. There was one singular place – hard to miss – where all he had to do was spit. True bred Arsashian salvia was explosive chemicals inside of them. It was conveniently used to cook food out in the wild, as was, of course, its original purpose. But the salvia burned if you swallowed too much, and, when one was dehydrated, the mouth began to bleed. Dace, of course, had experienced this many times in his travels.

Mouth very well watered, Dace leaned low over the Fire and drew up his salvia. He spit into the one singular place and fell back against Arion, the white horse. The horse neighed and backed away from the Fire, in which a blaze was beginning and slowly leaping higher into the night sky. It bit away and fought back the mist, sucking the moist from the air.

Down in the moor, Ghabriel saw that light and fell down on his knees in prayer. He prayed to every God he knew or heard of, and some he had just made up on his own at that very moment. His white blond hair was wild and danced around his face as a wind blew through the moor, whipping around and flickering through the Fire before dissipating. Ghabriel drew in a handful of sweet breaths and rubbed his clean, white robed knees against the ground and dirt. His hands dug into the ground and he held up clumps of grass to the sky, muttering his praises.

Dace, however, up on the hill, was far less praiseful. He stood against the bright white horse of the Empress and watched the flames flicker in front of him. He could see, very distantly, out of the corner of his eye, a fire burning a couple of miles away. The Fires were starting and soon, in about seven days and twelve hour’s time, all of Arsashia would know about the fate that had befallen the country.

Who could ever pray when their civilization was so lost?
And where did the Empress go when she died?
Could she die?
Carpe Diem.




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It wasn't that long... :P

First of all, I liked it. It had a really poetic style which I liked (imagine that!) so I won't ask you to shorten your sentences any, because I think you know what you're doing. (That's a compliment... really...)

I will ask you to look at your story and see if you can edit some of your paragraphs out. I like clarity a lot. Your style is really pleasant to read, but you can be rather repetitious at times, which makes the piece harder to go through. I would rather have the empress's death stressed a little bit more. What was the other guy's thoughts when he learned she died? You described mostly the physical things, and avoided the emotional parts. Fine, but remember to interlace emotion within the physical. They're very much related.

A grammar thing, which I'm sure you'll disagree with, but I still have to stay it: fires doesn't have to be capitalized. When you say Arsashian Fires, that's fine, but when you just say the word "fires" then you don't have to keep capitalizing it. It ends up being repetitious and annoying. We get the hint already.

All an all, an interesting start. I'm wondering what happens after the empress dies... and why?
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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You write very well for someone that young, I certainly counldn't have written like that at your age.

There is one sentence that I didn't really understand:

Then the fair skinned man turned to face was appeared to be his total opposite, and spoke a few choice words that he had planned out in his flight.
.: ₪ :.

'...'




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You write very well for someone that young, I certainly counldn't have written like that at your age.


Uh, please don't say that to people. They usually hate it.

I think I owe you about a bazillion comments, xanthan.

He took running leaps across the land, his horn pointed straight forward like a navigation tool


I would say "navigational" is the correct adjective word.

Arion seemed to understand the direness of the mission, and that has instilled a certain iron determination in him.


Uh, I'm not one to criticise your lexis choice (it's usually perfect) but "direness" just seems like a horrible word to use in such a pretty paragraph. I'd suggest using something else: urgency? Oh wait, forget that. I'm doing this chronologically so I didn't notice you'd used it in the following paragraph.

A handful of days would be a godsend to the speeding Ghabriel. The chill wind was freezing and stinging his face – his eyes struggled to remain open, first in a desert like dry state, and then watering to the brim with tears. Arion was long-distance running at around a record breaking sixty miles per hour


Hypenate "record breaking".

In the silence of the night, it seemed like they were the only things that were about to something.


What? I didn't understand the last part of the sentence. I think you might be missing a word here, 'cos I don't have a clue what you're saying lol.

Ghabriel knew much better, though, and pleaded the horse to go faster. It seemed like an empty and pointless plea – Arion had already seemed to have given his best, and his best was amazing on any standards. The speed that Ghabriel needed this horse to reach was something that could not be asked by anyone in their right minds. He could ask no more from the gods, themselves.


You used "pleaded" and then "plea" on successive lines. I'd change "plea" to something else to avoid repetition. You also use "pleas" in the next paragraph. Variety!

But with these new pleas, the horse seemed to jump forward viciously, and Ghabriel had the odd feeling as though they were not even touching the ground at all. It occurred to him then what exactly he had done. Arion was up to such a speed now that he barely touched the ground, and every time he touched the ground for a second to allow his feet to propel him forward, his heart would let out a tremendous beat.


How many times can you say "touched/touching the ground"? If this paragraph is anything to go by, a lot. Change some of them. Make your sentences shorter perhaps.

Wait ... the man with the lantern was ten miles ahead and now he's suddenly in view? I suppose it it's magic ...

“Messenger,” he rasped. “Dace, is it?”

The leather dressed man nodded. “Aye,” he said, “that’d be me.”

“Please, take Arion and ride on. Set the first fire to alert all of Arsashia.”


Great dialogue :)

Mouth very well watered, Dace leaned low over the Fire and drew up his salvia


Hyphenate "well watered" and correct "salvia" to "saliva". You make the same spelling mistake in the paragraph before this, too.

He spit into the one singular place and fell back against Arion, the white horse


Should be "He spat"

Otherwise, I loved this. The description was brilliant and the characters well-established. I'm extremely curious as to what happens next.
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BAD.

only kidding, heheheh.

This was really well done , i loved the setting;The moon cast a faint light all over the grassy moor. The rider could see nothing through the mist.

I really enjoyed this, if you were trying to build up mystery of the empress , you did really welly, but at the end ;Who could ever pray when their civilization was so lost?
And where did the Empress go when she died?
Could she die?

I mean, i dont care about the empress, i dont even know if shes good, and uve got to build a charecter of Dace( who was introduced really well. by the way.)i mean , you gave him a description and a bit of history but i dont know if hes a good chap,

and this bitand every time he touched the ground for a second to allow his feet to propel him forward, his heart would let out a tremendous beat, i mean , enough with the heart and the beats.

BUt dont be dishartend , youve got a really good, deep style that will might one day become WRITER, a good one tooooo
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The second Prolouge or..something

Anything that, in happening, causes itself to happen, happens again.
--Douglas Adams

The man’s breath preceded him around the corner, and when he followed it was with a staggering stride, one hand closed around his injured left breast. An arrow was embedded in it, and it had probably damaged his lung. He could only hope he could reach a Belladonna in time.

Tiny lights starred the city all day and night. They belonged to the Crossfire Flies, which were minuscule butterflies that glowed to light the way for the Arsashians. Glimmering and fluttering passed the man’s eyes; he blinked their light away and staggered forward, crossing out of the city and making his way through the empty wastelands that hung over a great abyss. The land of Arsashia was a city of titanic proportions, and only a few houses lingered around the outside, supported by extreme technological support. Most were powerhouses, though some were the houses of hermits.

The crossfire flies bit and stung the man and his arms wind milled and waved them away. They buzzed and, irritated, soared away from him, plunging him into a cloud of darkness. The man was unbothered, though, because a distant glow was enough to guide him. All around Arsashia the powerhouses held up walls that held back the magma of all the Earth. The clear fashion of these walls was a blessing, for the light of the crossfire flies would not be sufficient for the Arsashians to live by. So when crossfire flies were absent, the luminescent light shined on them, still, like a surrounding sun. In this, the Arsashians were in the womb of the world.

Finally the man crossed over on a thin-wire bridge, wind whipping around him, to a small landing before a miniature castle. There were turrets and towers, but the house’s only resident lived only the bottom floor. The towers were bare and unlit, besides the high-flying crossfire flies that clung to its windows.

In a desperate attempt to make it the last bit of the way, he snuck around the great wooden door that was in the fore of the house and crawled up to a door hidden with overgrown ivy and shrubs. The door was belittled and bore the worn, but fanciful, design of a dancing woman, painted in a golden calligrapher’s brush. The man, now gasping breaths, flung himself against the door and gave three sharp knocks.

From inside there was three equally timed clicks, and then the door opened.

It slid open easily, despite the seemingly overgrown look of everything around it. It wasn’t even rusted, and the ivy around the door had been snipped delicately, just to make it seem as if the door gained no use for decades.

A woman had answered the door. Her eyes were decorated with intricate designs – in fact, most of her body was decorated by brush. The colors were mainly black, with flecks of sparkling gold and red. Everything about her was a pattern – her skin, her dress, her sandals and even her dreadlocked hair. Blinking at the sight before her, she revealed, in her sockets, there not to be eyes but crossfire flies. They fluttered and darted back in forth in the sockets, but could not seem to escape. Somehow the woman calculated the scene in front of her.

“C’mon, come in and hurry up, will you?” she spat, grabbing the injured man’s shoulder. She held a candle up to her eyes, and each fly spat out a small flame that lit it. The light revealed the sweat that drenched the man’s handsome brow and it sparkled like drops of gold.

The man stumbled inside and the woman, the only resident of the home, shoved him into a bed and broke off most of the arrow embedded in his chest. Sucking in air through his teeth, the man grimaced and bit deep into his lip. “Just rip it out already. I can deal with a little blood.”

The woman, Athena, worked her dizzying hands in undressing the man. She shook her head furiously. “I don’t know, Reece. It’s pretty nasty. I could just heal it, you know, the simple way.”

Reece shook his head. Black hair fell from his ponytail and clung to his black face, looking like snakes licking at perspiration.

Sighing, Athena wiped his face and finally removed his sweat-stained white shirt. “You are gonna pay for this if it doesn’t work,” she snapped, fastening her hand around the arrow and beginning to twist. Reece moaned through his thick lips, groaning as Athena finally tore the arrow from his breast. Perfect black skin was wrenched open, revealing an odd puncture hole. Athena wasted no time in putting gauze and pressure on the wound, not even bothering to look for splinters as blood oozed out freely. Reece was panting more than ever, his chest rising and falling unsteadily with his grating breaths.

“Let’s hope it does work,” he managed to say. Athena tied the gauze to his body and donned a black lace headdress and shawl, flittering away and taking only a second to fling wilted white blankets over him.

Athena traveled around the room, which was illuminated in only small places by her glowing ring of candlelight. Many men and women, alike, were in infirmary beds, tossing and turning. Their eyes reacted to the light, but usually nothing more. Once or twice a raspy voice or shaking hand reached out to their nurse, but she usually turned them down or turned away.

She returned to Reece later, as blood was beginning to soak through his gauze and he needed a replacement. As she worked with the wound, she whispered to him, “We count on you, Reece, y’know that. Ghabriel is counting on you. Dace, too. We have thousands of Arsashians in enrollment and even more supports, but you know that’ll never hold Stesha’s law.”

Reece winced and grabbed his breast. Still, he nodded.

“Keep saying that to yourself – it’s for Arsashia. It’s for our people. I’d love to have a time when I don’t have a packed infirmary.” She smiled quickly, but it fell from her face as she picked a splinter from his wound. “I’d love to live two straight days without seeing you in here, too.”

Reece shook his head in understanding, breathing out a small laugh. “I’d like to…I came here to tell you something…”

Athena quickly pressurized the wound again. “What? Spit it out!”

“I was above ground, on search rounds. America. I think…I think I’ve found her, Athena. I think I finally found her.”

Outside the ring of light, a ripple or murmurs erupted in the ring of light. Half-awake, wounded men shot up into a sitting position, calling out in a feverish mumble.

“Quiet yourselves!” Athena demanded, shoving a nearby patient onto his cot. “As we all know Reece, it very well just may be a mistake.” Laughter rumbled across the basement, followed by coughing or whimpers of pain. Quietly, Athena continued to talk and attend to Reece – “Nevertheless, I’ll send a messenger to the house of the pink flamingo immediately. Then you can tell Ghabriel your story as soon as your better.”

Assured that he had gotten his point across, Reece’s head fell back onto his pillow and he let the world go black.

Athena was not assured – Belladonna has been searching for the Empress for almost two centuries, now, and the usurper was always quick to infiltrate their organization and foil every strategy. She was sure that amongst these loyal men, at least one of them was a betrayer, and probably would ruin what they had worked so long to achieve.
Carpe Diem.



In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
— Robert Frost