Mirror: Chapter Two

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The pounding in my head woke me from my dull unconsciousness. I slowly pulled myself to my feet, ignoring the pain that shot through my leg. The night air whipped around through the trees of the foreign land. Twigs snapped in far off places and owls called to other owls. I wandered off, not knowing where to go or where I was. The door that led me here was nowhere to be found and I didn't know where it had left me. Was I dreaming? How is it, exactly, that a door can come out of nowhere and not have anything behind it, yet place me in some forest that I've never seen before? I really couldn't answer that. I wasn't exactly sure if I should be excited or scared or even confused, for that matter. But what I did know was that I had to find something familiar, and quick.

Above my head, the trees rustled and more branches cracked, but, this time, not from the wind. My heart pounded fiercely in my chest and the sudden quietness filled me with an eerie feeling of being watched and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a knife or gun or even a bat to protect me. The only thing I could do was stand there and hope upon hope that it was only a squirrel.

I started to walk farther, hoping to find a road or a break in the thick forest of trees and shrubs. It was slowly getting darker as the reddish tint in the night sky faded to a dark maroon. The trees had stopped making noises so I figured I was safe for a bit.

I looked around at my surroundings and tried to make out if anything was familiar looking but I couldn't find anything at all recognizable. I wandered a little farther but pain suddenly shot through my body. The cuts and deep slashes I had gotten from the car crash were numb so I had forgotten about them, but the gash in my head had started to sting excruciatingly once again. The pain was so fierce that my vision was blurred and unfocused. I pressed a hand against the side of my head, attempting to stop the pulsing, but the pain refused to subside. Pulling my hand away from my head, I felt the warm stickiness of fresh blood, and the smell of salty iron made me even woozier.

As the pain in my head dulled, my vision cleared and I started to walk forward once more. The darkness mixed with the lightheaded feeling the smell of blood had brought along, caused my footing to be lost upon a rock. My toe stung slightly from the collision with the hard surface and I stumbled forward. Because of the darkness of the foreign night, I hadn't seen the small cliff that was inches away from the rock and I toppled over the ledge.

I screamed shrilly as the rush of sudden air blew past my falling figure. My arms, flailing helplessly and frantically, grabbed the first thing they could, which was a root from a tree that was sticking out of the ground. As I dangled I heard more twigs snap on the forest floor, as if someone a few feet in front of the ledge had stepped on them. I sucked in a sharp breath and tried as hard as I possibly could not to make a sound.

The wind whistled as the silence grew heavier and seemed to be louder than noise. Another burst of pain stabbed at my head and I lost control of my voice as a loud groan of pain escaped from my lips. I squeezed my eyes against the flicker of pain and prayed that whatever was out there was gone.

Suddenly the grip I had on the root loosened and I started slipping. "No, no, no, no!" I whispered, terrified of loosing my grip all together. I dug my nails into the soft, damp wood and tried grabbing on with everything I had (which wasn't much). "Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. Please!" I begged. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer and panic started to overwhelm me.

My fingers slipped from their hold on the branch and I let out another terrified scream, as the thought of dying crossed my mind. Just as the hold on my life slipped from my fingers and I could no longer feel the rough, damp bark of the tree beneath my palm, a warm hand grasped my wrist. I was startled and scared and thankful all at the same time. Was this the person that I heard watching me earlier? Who was it? Were they truly saving my life? Or just prolonging my life for merely a fleeting moment?

As the strong hand pulled me from the edge, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. I felt the ground return beneath my legs and the person, whoever he was, let go.

"Excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" the deep voice questioned.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. I couldn't find the words to answer him. Lifting my eyes from the leafy forest floor, I let my eyes travel from his shoes and upwards. Since it was dark I could barely see, but from what I could make out he was wearing warn out jeans and black sneakers. His button-up shirt was a light color, distorted by the darkness. He was kneeling on one leg in front of me, holding his hand out for me to take.

"Miss?" he asked once more and my eyes lifted from his outstretched hand to his face. His dark hair almost blended into the darkness of the forest. It was disheveled and covering a little bit of his eyes. He was young yet older than me, but that's almost all I could decipher from the dark.

I finally found my voice and quietly spoke up, "... W- Who are you?" I stuttered.

He smiled. "Callum Frey," he said and moved his outstretched hand closer to me. "And you?" he asked.

"Shyla... Shyla Adams," I hesitantly answered, tentatively grabbing his hand and letting him pull me to my feet. The cuts on my legs stung and I wobbled a little.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he moved closer to me, trying to decide if I needed his help or not.

"Fine. I just got into an accident is all."

"Let me help you!" He placed one arm on the small of my back and the other under my knees, picking me up bridal style.

I tried to protest but my words were drowned out by the pain that suddenly shot through my head. I squeezed my eyes closed and groaned quietly. My hand held tightly to his soft shirt and I buried my head in his chest, waiting until the pain surpassed. With a sudden jolt of pain, the gash in my head felt worse. I cried out and tightened my grip on him. If I held any tighter I was sure that my hand would have bled.

Callum's pace quickened and he told me that I would be fine in just a moment. When the excruciating pain dulled down to a bearable twinge, I was breathing heavily. I slowly loosened my grip on his shirt and opened my eyes. He had slowed down and was looking straight ahead with determination. He suddenly stopped and I pulled my eyes away from his face to look at where we were.

We were still in the forest but we had stopped in front of a small cottage. It seemed strange, though. Like the small place was something out of medieval times, yet it didn't look old or worn down in any way.

With me still in his arms, Callum asked if I could twist the handle for him. He silently kicked the door open and entered the small cottage, setting me down on the couch before going back to close the wooden door.

"What are you going to do?" I asked.

Callum smiled and sat down on the floor beside the couch. "Just... hold still." He placed his palm over the gash in my head and I winced. "It's okay," he whispered. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It'll be okay soon."

My head began to itch slightly and I wondered what was happening. It was the same kind of itchy feeling you got when a scrape or cut was healing. The dull pain in my head subsided until it stopped completely. Callum opened his eyes and placed his hand on my head. He smiled and strangely my head didn't hurt when he put his hand on the stop where the gash was. He took his hand away and stood up.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked.

"Huh? Uhm... no. No, not particularly."

"That's good," he said, but by the time the words reached his lips, his voice was just a murmur in the background. My eyes closed and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly tired. I succumbed to the darkness of sleep and I hoped that this time I could actually sleep peacefully for a while. But... one thing stayed in my mind, nagging at me as the dull itch of my scalp also faded until it was gone completely.

… What is this place?
Last edited by Mickixoxo on Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:46 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Hey Micki! I had this chapter on my reading list, and I can't remember if you asked for a review for this...if so, I'm really sorry it's taken me so long.

Okay, so there's not much for me to say here. Honestly, the story's going great and it's all happening at a good pace. I can picture everything very clearly and have a good idea of the characters' roles so far.

Something I noticed was that you tended to speak in a passive voice. What's that? Well, when you write a sentence in such a way as to make the object (the thing receiving the action) become the subject (the main focus that the sentence is about), and vice versa. It makes the sentence sound detached, and loses the interest you could have gained by writing actively. For example, look at this sentence:
A shrill scream came from my throat as the rush of sudden air blew past my falling figure.

Can you point out the subject? Right now, you're focusing on Shyla, and her reaction to the situation she's in, so Shyla is the subject. What's the object? Well, that'd be the scream coming from her throat (that's the action that her throat is going through). The way you've written this, with the scream coming first, makes it seem like the scream is the main subject of this sentence and everything else is secondary. Which, as I said before, gives it more of a detached feel. If you were to reword, it'd sound something like this:
I screamed shrilly as the rush of sudden air blew past my falling figure.

Doesn't it make you think of Shyla screaming instead of a scream coming from Shyla's throat? It can definitely be a tricky thing to notice, but luckily it's also pretty easy to remedy once you locate it.

A hint to finding passive sentences is to keep an eye out for version of "to be," such as "had, was, is, going to," etc. Once you find that, ask yourself questions about the sentence -- who/what is the subject? What is the action being performed here? Who/what is the recipient of that action? Is that thing becoming the focus of the sentence instead of the actual subject?

All right, now that I've just about overdone that topic to death, I'll move on. There's very little else for me to say; I'm interested in seeing how you progress Shyla's relationship with Callum. Right now it feels almost familiar; young heroine's been rescued by a handsome, mysterious, potentially magical boy whom she'll end up falling for, or vice versa. That's the way I see this going, at least, so I'm just warning you to not fall into the comfortable track of clichés! Mix it up a bit, throw in some unexpected twist or element. Anyway, I'm sort of getting ahead of myself here; I want to see what you write about them before jumping the gun completely.

Well, that's all I've got to say. Please let me know when you post more, I want to continue this story. Keep up the great work! Cheers. (:
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Okay so I'm back for more because that first chapter made me feel like, "WHOO!!" xD

So I'm going to start with just a few nitpicks first!
The trees had stopped making noises so I figured I was safe for a bit.

How is it that that the trees tell her it's safe? D:
I looked around at my surroundings and tried to make out if anything was familiar looking but I couldn't find anything at all recognizable.

You have a thing for over explaining things! xD
Try cutting this description up a little and lose some words that are already a given by the context.

Okays so that's all I really found. xD
So, I did like this. It was much shorter than the first chapter but you introduced a new character here. I don't see much to him besides that he's a stranger and a nice dude overall. lol

Now, I do have some questions for this piece though. Why would you tell your name to a stranger? Wouldn't you at least get acquainted with a person first before saying "I'm Mary Sue!" or "My names' Callum!" 8D. It seems rather strange for me. Also, what if this person is a killer or something! Then she'd know your name and come after you when the moon is full! D:

Another thing is, why would you protest the help of someone when you're nearly bleeding to death or going to die? I would be like, "SAVE ME!" D: "Or I'll die!" So I kind of got upset when she wanted to protest against his help.

There's not much else to say about it right now. However, a part of me was thinking she'd wake up on spaceship or something. For some reason I thought you were getting at aliens for the main mystery for this - I have no idea where it came from but yeah. . . Strange. lolol

Also,I agree with what Ranger Hawk said about the passive voice and you giving a lot of attention to your subject thingys. Try working on that and develop slightly stronger and more clear narration. H'okay, that's about all for this. ^^

Keep writing and let me know if you post more!

-Pink
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Another awesome chapter, Micki-More. :)

The pounding in my head woke me from my dull unconsciousness. I realized with confusion that I was no longer near the car wreck. I slowly pulled myself to my feet, ignoring the pain that shot through my leg. The night air whipped around through the trees of the foreign land. Twigs snapped in far off places and owls called to other owls. I wandered off, not knowing where to go or where I was. Micki, would you wander off if you had no clue where you were? Or would you hesitate somewhat? Calling out if anyone was there?The door that led me here was nowhere to be found and I didn't know where it had left me. Was I dreaming? How is it, exactly, that a door can come out of nowhere and not have anything behind it, yet place me in some forest that I've never seen before? I really couldn't answer that. I wasn't exactly sure if I should be excited or scared or even confused, for that matter. But what I did know was that I had to find something familiar, and quick.

Above my head, the trees rustled and more branches cracked, but, this time, not from the wind. My heart pounded fiercely in my chest and the sudden quietness filled me with an eerie feeling of being watched and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a knife or gun or even a bat to protect me. The only thing I could do was stand there and hope upon hope that it was only a squirrel.

I started to walk farther, hoping to find a road or a break in the thick forest of trees and shrubs. It was slowly getting darker as the reddish tint in the night sky faded to a dark maroon. The trees had stopped making noises so I figured I was safe for a bit.

I looked around at my surroundings and tried to make out if anything was familiar looking but I couldn't find anything at all recognizable. I wandered a little farther but pain suddenly shot through my body. The cuts and deep slashes I had gotten from the car crash were numb so I had forgotten about them, but the gash in my head had started to sting excruciatingly once again. The pain was so fierce that my vision was blurred and unfocused. I pressed a hand against the side of my head, attempting to stop the pulsing, but the pain refused to subside. Pulling my hand away from my head, I felt the warm stickiness of fresh blood, and the smell of salty iron made me even woozier.

As the pain in my head dulled, my vision cleared and I started to walk forward once more. The darkness mixed with the lightheaded feeling the smell of blood had brought along, caused my footing to be lost upon a rock. My toe stung slightly from the collision with the hard surface and I stumbled forward. Because of the darkness of the foreign night, I hadn't seen the small cliff that was inches away from the rock and I toppled over the ledge.

I screamed shrilly as the rush of sudden air blew past my falling figure. My arms, flailing helplessly and frantically, grabbed the first thing they could, which was a root from a tree that was sticking out of the ground. As I dangled I heard more twigs snap on the forest floor, as if someone a few feet in front of the ledge had stepped on them. I sucked in a sharp breath and tried as hard as I possibly could not to make a sound.

The wind whistled as the silence grew heavier and seemed to be louder than noise. Another burst of pain stabbed at my head and I lost control of my voice as a loud groan of pain escaped from my lips. I squeezed my eyes against the flicker of pain and prayed that whatever was out there was gone.

Suddenly the grip I had on the root loosened and I started slipping. "No, no, no, no!" I whispered, terrified of loosing my grip all together. I dug my nails into the soft, damp wood and tried grabbing on with everything I had (which wasn't much). "Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. Please!" I begged. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer and panic started to overwhelm me.

My fingers slipped from their hold on the branch and I let out another terrified scream, as the thought of dying crossed my mind. Just as the hold on my life slipped from my fingers and I could no longer feel the rough, damp bark of the tree beneath my palm, a warm hand grasped my wrist. I was startled and scared and thankful all at the same time. Was this the person that I heard watching me earlier? Who was it? Were they truly saving my life? Or just prolonging my life for merely a fleeting moment? Don't just tell us what she was wondering; tell us how she was feeling!

As the strong hand pulled me from the edge, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. I felt the ground return beneath my legs and the person, whoever he was, let go.

"Excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" the deep voice questioned.

Slowly, I opened my eyes. I couldn't find the words to answer him. Lifting my eyes from the leafy forest floor, I let my eyes travel from his shoes and upwards. Since it was dark I could barely see, but from what I could make out he was wearing warn Wornout jeans and black sneakers. His button-up shirt was a light color, distorted by the darkness. He was kneeling on one leg in front of me, holding his hand out for me to take.

"Miss?" he asked once more and my eyes lifted from his outstretched hand to his face. His dark hair almost blended into the darkness of the forest. It was disheveled and covering a little bit of his eyes. He was young yet older than me, but that's almost all I could decipher from the dark.

I finally found my voice and quietly spoke up, "... W- Who are you?" I stuttered.

He smiled. "Callum Frey," he said and moved his outstretched hand closer to me. "And you?" he asked.

"Shyla... Shyla Adams," I hesitantly answered, tentatively grabbing his hand and letting him pull me to my feet. The cuts on my legs stung and I wobbled a little. Did she wobble or stumble foward slightly? I just feel like you should add a little more detail.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he moved closer to me, trying to decide if I needed his help or not.

"Fine. I just got into an accident is all."

"Let me help you!" He placed one arm on the small of my back and the other under my knees, picking me up bridal style.

I tried to protest but my words were drowned out by the pain that suddenly shot through my head. I squeezed my eyes closed and groaned quietly. My hand held tightly to his soft shirt and I buried my head in his chest, waiting until the pain surpassed. With a sudden jolt of pain, the gash in my head felt worse. I cried out and tightened my grip on him. If I held any tighter I was sure that my hand would have bled.

Callum's pace quickened and he told me that I would be fine in just a moment. When the excruciating pain dulled down to a bearable twinge, I was breathing heavily. You could change this to 'My breath was heavy' instead. I slowly loosened my grip on his shirt and opened my eyes. He had slowed down and was looking straight ahead with determination. He suddenly stopped and I pulled my eyes away from his face to look at where we were.

We were still in the forest Commabut we had stopped in front of a small cottage. It seemed strange, though. Maybe it should be somehow instead of though. Like the small place was something out of medieval times, yet it didn't look old or worn down in any way.

With me still in his arms, Callum asked if I could twist the handle for him. He silently kicked the door open and entered the small cottage, setting me down on the couch before going back to close the wooden door.

"What are you going to do?" I asked. Cautiously? Warily? How did she feel? What were the thoughts running through her head at this moment?

Callum smiled and sat down on the floor beside the couch. "Just... hold still." He placed his palm over the gash in my head and I winced. "It's okay," he whispered. How did he whisper this? Soothingly? Creepily? He could be taken as a creep, a pedo, a stalker, or just nice for as much as we know about him right now. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It'll be okay soon."

My head began to itch slightly and I wondered what was happening. It was the same kind of itchy feeling you got when a scrape or cut was healing. I think it would sound better if you put 'It was the same kind of itch you got when a scrape or cut was healing.'The dull pain in my head subsided until it stopped completely. Callum opened his eyes and placed his hand on my head. He smiled and strangely Curiously would do well to replace strangely.my head didn't hurt when he put his hand on the stop On the? How about over the gash?where the gash was. He took his hand away and stood up.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked.

"Huh? Uhm... no. No, not particularly."

"That's good," he said, but by the time the words reached his lips, his voice was just a murmur in the background. My eyes closed and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly tired.Maybe you should change it to something like this: "My eyes fell shut and I was suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion." I succumbed to the darkness of sleep and I hoped that this time I could actually sleep peacefully for a while. But... one thing stayed in my mind, nagging at me as the dull itch of my scalp also faded until it was gone completely.

… What is this place?


Loved it. Great job. :)
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss




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Micki! :D

Okay! I hate to be the one who rains on the parade but... well... I've had a couple of head concussions, and they are not fun. xD I doubt that she would be able to be walking around and doing whatever, forgetting the pain entirely. In fact, that very idea just seems a little odd to me! So, just be careful about that sort of stuff. Injuries are a hard thing to forget!

I don't trust Callum! D: I mean, I know that I probably should, since he seems pretty nice and he saves her life and everything, but what was he doing there?! Why didn't he alert her to his presence? Why is he being so nice with her? Why is he taking her to his place instead of a place where everybody else is? Why is he seemingly isolated? Did he get ostracized or something? For a legitimate reason? Maybe is he a hunter. In that case, why was he following her? How does he know her language? I mean, it's possible that everybody should know English in this place, I guess, but is that possible?

Here's my theory:

I think he is a sociopath who wants to pretend to befriend her, but he actually has secret ulterior motives and he wants to destroy her. That's why he got ostracized.

Or, maybe I am being mean to him. Maybe he is the only man left and BAM! She becomes the only female left. So they repopulate the world?

I don't know and I think I am babbling and being silly at this point. However, I don't really trust him right now. He's going to have to do a lot more for me to trust him...
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

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I wasn't exactly sure if I should be excited or scared or even confused, for that matter.

There should be commas after excited and scared.

My heart pounded fiercely in my chest and the sudden quietness filled me with an eerie feeling of being watched and I didn't know what to do.

This is a run-on sentence. You should probably make a new sentence after each and.

I didn't have a knife or gun or even a bat to protect me.

There should be a comma after knife and gun.

The only thing I could do was stand there and hope upon hope that it was only a squirrel.

The words upon hope aren't needed.

The trees had stopped making noises so I figured I was safe for a bit.

This sentence might sound better if you made it into two sentences and took out so.

I looked around at my surroundings and tried to make out if anything was familiar looking but I couldn't find anything at all recognizable.

There should be a comma after looking.

I wandered a little farther but pain suddenly shot through my body.

There should be a comma after farther. Farther should also be further.

The darkness mixed with the lightheaded feeling the smell of blood had brought along, caused my footing to be lost upon a rock.

There should be a comma after darkness.

"No, no, no, no!" I whispered, terrified of loosing my grip all together.

All together should be altogether.

He was young yet older than me, but that's almost all I could decipher from the dark.

There should be a comma after young. Also, almost isn't needed.

If I held any tighter I was sure that my hand would have bled.

There should be a comma after tighter.


Though the plot is good, the actual writing could use some work. This may help:
http://www.cherryh.com/www/advice.htm

This chapter is much better than the last when it comes to emotion, but at times it still felt distant. If you show instead of telling, this problem would most likely go away.

The story is still going strong and I can't wait to read more.
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I slowly pulled myself to my feet, ignoring the pain that shot through my leg.

Nitpicky, but since we're in her first-person narration and she mentions the pain in her leg, she isn't ignoring it. Choosing not to deal with it? Yes. Later on, the pain really comes back to haunt her, so you might not even have to mention it there.

People can forget about their injuries in the first panicked reaction to whatever caused their injury, but it is going to catch up to them eventually the minute they have downtime, or even just a calmer moment. She's pretty much got that. You would think that the first thing she would notice on waking up is her pain, seeing as how she's had her peaceful moment of pearly gate spotting and everything.

Also, you have the pain sort of ebbing and flowing. I would imagine that once she's noticed the pain, it's really only going to get worse. I mean, she's moving around and touching injuries and generally doing a lot of stuff that would be no-no's when it comes to getting better.

"Excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" the deep voice questioned.

Uh, no. The very fact that you met her falling off a cliff and covered in blood should be a fairly strong indicator that she is not, in fact, all right. Something a bit less polite and more frantically trying to see how badly she's hurt and what sort of help she needs would be in order here. Not to mention, what is this dude doing out in the dark in the first place? And just happening to be walking by the cliff? And seems rather nonchalant about helping maidens in distress?

This bothered me quite a bit. I mean, sure, maybe he's just being calm for her to be calm, but for realzies, she's obviously hurt and wandering around alone. It's really clear that she's bleeding and probably a little out of it due to her concussion. He should be just a little more frantic and targetted in trying to get her help. Their exchanging of names shouldn't be so "oh hi, stranger who I just bumped into on the bus" but "holy crap, gotta help this person, who are you so that I can call an ambulance and let your family know where you are". Make sense? And Shyla seems really coherent through all this. If it were me, I'd either be super-calm in shock and barely registering anything, super-frantic in panic and ranting hysterically, or unconscious. She seems to be... normal. Like, polite and modest and stuff. Give her a little more urgency, a little more fear. She sort of starts to protest a few times, but doesn't really. Why not? Go ahead and give her a little more emotional variety. She just got in a car accident and potentially just saw all of her family members die, she's bleeding profusely, just fell off a cliff, not to mention she now has absolutely no idea where she is. It's okay to let her panic a little.

I noticed the same thing with the sentence lengths here as in the last chapter. The action isn't quite the intense car-crashing variety here, but it's still action. Break up the sentences a little and it will feel more immediate and problematic. As is, it just sort of meanders along, without really feeling that threatening.

Still intrigued, but more just out of curiousity than actual concern for the characters. Make me worry a little more about what's actually going on!

Good luck! Feel free to PM if you have any questions.

~GryphonFledgling
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I love Callum. As long as he doesn't turn out to be some evil creep, then I'll continue to love him. Call me cliche or whatever, but I can't help liking characters like him. They're just so... lovable.

Anyways, this was a great second chapter. Appearently I missed reading the prolouge to this, but I did read the first chapter, and I really like this novel. It's a pleasure to read; I don't have to force my eyes along the lines of text. I think it might have been slightly choppy in places, like the parts where it was, "He did something. I said something. He did something." Maybe in those parts you could mix it up with the wording of the sentences. But, really, I'm no expert on novels because I can never stay commited to them. >.<

Your descriptions were nice - they weren't overly worded, but they got the picture across. Overall I shall continue to read this novel and see what happens to Callu- *cough* I mean, Shyla.

-Dai
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The pounding in my head woke me from my dull unconsciousness. I realized with confusion this is contradicting. You can’t come to a confused realization. that I was no longer near the car wreck. I slowly pulled myself to my feet, ignoring the pain that shot through my leg. The night air whipped around through the trees of the foreign land. Twigs snapped in far off places and owls called to other owls. I wandered off, not knowing where to go or where I was. The door that led me here was nowhere to be found and I didn't know where it had left me. Was I dreaming? How is it, exactly, that a door can come out of nowhere and not have anything behind it, yet place me in some forest that I've never seen before? I really couldn't answer that. I wasn't exactly sure if I should be excited or scared or even confused, for that matter. But what I did know was that I had to find something familiar, and quick. Personally, I think this is a bit of a weak start. I think you are not describing her surroundings well enough. You say it’s a foreign land, but foreign how? I assume you are in the middle of some dark forest, but what do the trees look like? Can you even see well in the moonlight? Describe the pain in your leg, did it feel like all your bones had snapped or what?

Above my head, the trees rustled and more branches cracked, but, no comma this time, not from the wind. My heart pounded fiercely in my chest and the sudden quietness filled me with an eerie feeling of being watched and I didn't know what to do. I didn't have a knife or gun or even a bat to protect me . The only thing I could do was stand there and hope upon hope that it was only a squirrel.

I started to walk farther, hoping you’ve repeated ‘hope’ a lot so far to find a road or a break in the thick forest of trees and shrubs. It was slowly getting darker as the reddish tint in the night sky faded to a dark maroon hm, didn‘t you think it was strange that the sky was red? Why wasn‘t this noted before? A night sky should be black, or midnight blue, but red would only show in a sunset or sunrise. . The trees had stopped making noises so I figured I was safe for a bit. it’s a little weird that you personify the trees here. I mean, it was the wind rustling the leaves and stuff wasn’t it? The trees themselves had nothing to do with it.

I looked around at my surroundings and tried to make out if anything was familiar looking but I couldn't find anything at all recognizable. I wandered a little farther but pain suddenly shot through my body. The cuts and deep slashes I had gotten from the car crash were numb so I had forgotten about them, but the gash in my head had started to sting excruciatingly once again. The pain was so fierce that my vision was blurred and unfocused. I pressed a hand against the side of my head, attempting to stop the pulsing, but the pain refused to subside. Pulling my hand away from my head, I felt the warm stickiness of fresh blood, and the smell of salty iron made me even woozier.

As the pain in my head dulled, my vision cleared and I started to walk forward once more. The darkness mixed with the lightheaded feeling the smell of blood had brought along, caused my footing to be lost upon a rock. My toe stung slightly from the collision with the hard surface and I stumbled forward. Because of the darkness of the foreign night, I hadn't seen the small cliff that was inches away from the rock and I toppled over the ledge.

I screamed shrilly as the rush of sudden air blew past my falling figure. My arms, flailing helplessly and frantically, grabbed the first thing they could, which was a root from a tree that was sticking out of the ground. As I dangled I heard more twigs snap on the forest floor, as if someone a few feet in front of the ledge had stepped on them. I sucked in a sharp breath and tried as hard as I possibly could not to make a sound. After being in free fall, it would hurt quite a bit to stop suddenly after grabbing the root. Your arm would probably feel like it was tearing out of its socket. Unless you were able to claw some of the way down and slow the impact.

The wind whistled as the silence grew heavier and seemed to be louder than noise. Another burst of pain stabbed at my head and I lost control of my voice as a loud groan of pain escaped from my lips. I squeezed my eyes against the flicker of pain and prayed that whatever was out there was gone.

Suddenly the grip I had on the root loosened and I started slipping. "No, no, no, no!" I whispered, terrified of loosing my grip all together. I dug my nails into the soft, damp wood and tried grabbing on with everything I had (which wasn't much). "Please don't let me die. Please don't let me die. Please!" I begged. I knew I wouldn't be able to hold on much longer and panic started to overwhelm me.

My fingers slipped from their hold on the branch and I let out another terrified scream, as the thought of dying crossed my mind. Just as the hold on my life slipped from my fingers and I could no longer feel the rough, damp bark of the tree beneath my palm, a warm hand grasped my wrist. I was startled and scared and thankful all at the same time. Was this the person that I heard watching me earlier? Who was it? Were they truly saving my life? Or just prolonging my life for merely a fleeting moment?

As the strong hand pulled me from the edge, I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth. I felt the ground return beneath my legs and the person, whoever he was, let go.

"Excuse me? Miss? Are you alright?" the deep voice questioned. To me, this was a weird thing to ask. First, he must’ve heard her shrieking on her way down. Second, he must be able to see her current bloodied state. So why is he so calm?

Slowly, I opened my eyes. I couldn't find the words to answer him. Lifting my eyes from the leafy forest floor, I let my eyes travel from his shoes and upwards. Since it was dark I could barely see, but from what I could make out he was wearing warn worn out jeans and black sneakers. His button-up shirt was a light color, distorted by the darkness. He was kneeling on one leg in front of me, holding his hand out for me to take.

"Miss?" he asked once more and my eyes lifted from his outstretched hand to his face. His dark hair almost blended into the darkness of the forest. It was disheveled and covering a little bit of his eyes. He was young yet older than me, but that's almost all I could decipher from the dark.

I finally found my voice and quietly spoke up, "... W- Who are you?" I stuttered.

He smiled. "Callum Frey," he said and moved his outstretched hand closer to me. "And you?" he asked.

"Shyla... Shyla Adams," I hesitantly answered, tentatively grabbing his hand and letting him pull me to my feet. The cuts on my legs stung and I wobbled a little.

"Are you alright?" he asked as he moved closer to me, trying to decide if I needed his help or not.

"Fine. I just got into an accident is all." Is she completely forgetting about her family ? If I was her, I’d be blurting out tons of questions like where I was and I need to get back because my family needs help… she just seems too calm. Not only had she just survived a car accident, she saw her dead sister, fell off a cliff, and is probably hallucinating right now.

"Let me help you!" the explanation point makes it seem like he’s shouting this. He placed one arm on the small of my back and the other under my knees, picking me up bridal style.

I tried to protest but my words were drowned out by the pain that suddenly shot through my head. I squeezed my eyes closed and groaned quietly. My hand held tightly to his soft shirt and I buried my head in his chest, waiting until the pain surpassed. With a sudden jolt of pain, the gash in my head felt worse. I cried out and tightened my grip on him. If I held any tighter I was sure that my hand would have bled.

Callum's pace quickened and he told me that I would be fine in just a moment. When the excruciating pain dulled down to a bearable twinge, I was breathing heavily. I slowly loosened my grip on his shirt and opened my eyes. He had slowed down and was looking straight ahead with determination. He suddenly stopped and I pulled my eyes away from his face to look at where we were.

We were still in the forest but we had stopped in front of a small cottage. It seemed strange, though. Like the small place was something out of medieval times, yet it didn't look old or worn down in any way.

With me still in his arms, Callum asked if I could twist the handle for him. He silently kicked the door open and entered the small cottage, setting me down on the couch before going back to close the wooden door.

"What are you going to do?" I asked.

Callum smiled and sat down on the floor beside the couch. "Just... hold still." He placed his palm over the gash in my head and I winced. "It's okay," he whispered. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It'll be okay soon."

My head began to itch slightly and I wondered what was happening. It was the same kind of itchy feeling you got when a scrape or cut was healing. The dull pain in my head subsided until it stopped completely. Callum opened his eyes and placed his hand on my head. He smiled and strangely my head didn't hurt when he put his hand on the stop where the gash was. He took his hand away and stood up.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" he asked.

"Huh? Uhm... no. No, not particularly."

"That's good," he said, but by the time the words reached his lips, his voice was just a murmur in the background. My eyes closed and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly tired. I succumbed to the darkness of sleep and I hoped that this time I could actually sleep peacefully for a while. But... one thing stayed in my mind, nagging at me as the dull itch of my scalp also faded until it was gone completely.

… What is this place?



Overall, this is my least favorite chapter. There are several reasons why.
First, it didn’t seem realistic. It’s almost as if the first two chapters never happened. Shyla is suffering from none of the emotional trauma she experienced in chapter one. She seems to have completely forgotten about her family. She doesn’t seem half as surprised as she should at showing up in a foreign world. She didn’t ask the man any questions about where she was, or how to get back or anything. These are all things I would’ve done.
Second, the dialogue was bland compared to how awesome it was in the prologue. The only thing you had them say was the typical, ‘are you hurt, madam?’ stuff, and I didn’t get any sense of character from the guy. You told us he had a deep voice, and that’s a start. But if this is indeed a foreign world, wouldn’t he have some kind of strange accent? I think it would make him cooler. And like I said, why would he ask if she was alright when she very obviously wasn’t? If you saw Shyla in this state, what would you say? I would say something along the lines of ‘oh my god! Stay right here while I call for help.’ or I might ask them where it hurt the most or if there was anything I could do. Both of them seemed to casual and too calm for this situation.
Lastly, description was lacking a bit. Even though it was dark, you should’ve been able to describe more things. And not just what you saw, remember to use all your senses. You’re probably smelling like pennies from all that blood, and feeling achy and hurt and in pain. But what was it like to grab onto that root in the middle of free fall? What was running through your mind? Did you notice anything else about the man who rescued you? How tall was he? What was it like to be carried by him? I don’t know, it just felt like every here and there you could’ve done something more.

Not a bad chapter, but editing will definitely make this better!
Let me know if you have any other questions!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



Go and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here.
— Neil Gaiman