Swan Song (3)

Dear Diary,

I said that I wouldn’t write again till we were in the city, but Eurodities says that I can write as long as I get enough sleep.

Eurodities said we didn’t walk very far so it’ll take us a little longer than three days to get to the city, especially since we can’t take the main road there, but she says I shouldn’t worry. She says the days will go by quickly and later I’ll look back at this time and laugh.

I am cold and hungry. We didn’t bring any blankets with us and it’s really cold right now.

~

Dear Diary,

Eurodities found some berries to eat, but I ate too much and I got really sick. Eurodities said we should wait a day and wait till I feel better, but I don’t want to because I don’t want to be outside anymore.

I miss Daddy.

~

Dear Diary,

It started raining today. I want to go home.

~

Dear Diary,

Eurodities says we can go by the road again, since not many people are there. She says she wants me to meet up with Daddy as soon as possible.

I asked her why she didn’t just get one of her brothers or sisters that is a White Swan and ask them to come over here and take us to Daddy, since White Swans are bigger and they can carry people. She got really mad at me when I said that and said that they were very busy and that she couldn’t just ask them for help all the time. I don’t think they would mind though. I told her that Segius was very nice to me and he would probably do it, but Eurodities said that Segius was a snobby White Swan that didn’t want to have anything to do with her. When I asked her why, she said that it was a long story and that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

I didn’t ask her anything more because she was very moody, but I don’t see what the problem is. After all, it’s very cold and I’m sure they wouldn’t mind.

When we get to the city, I will ask Daddy for a new jacket.

~

Dear Diary,

When we were walking, Eurodities said sorry. She said that Segius didn’t like her because she married Archondid. A long time ago, she said Segius was best friends with Archondid, but Archondid ate something he shouldn’t have and he attacked Segius so that Segius almost bled. Segius never forgave Archondid for what he did, so when Eurodities married Archondid, Segius refused to speak with her. She said that if Granid had mentioned Archondid, Segius wouldn’t pick him as a Fledgling.

It’s been five days so far, so I think we’ll make it to the city tomorrow.

~

Dear Diary,

I think we’re lost. We’re not at the city and Eurodities seems confused. She says she needs to find a lake so that she can turn into a Swan and see how far we are from the road. I don’t know why we need a lake, but I will follow her.

~

Dear Diary,

It rained harder today, so we’re in a tiny cave. Eurodities made a fire and she told me to stay here and be quiet. She was going to find food for me and find the road, since she found a lake. When she turned into a Black Swan and touched it, it became poisoned at once, but she told me that animals avoided poisoned lake, so I should be fine while she went out for food. She told me to collect water from the rain, so I put some leaves down to collect water.

I am glad that I don’t have to walk anymore and I am happy that Eurodities will bring back food. I hope she brings back soup. It is so cold outside and the fire is barely warming.

~

Dear Diary,

Eurodities hasn’t come back yet. Maybe she’ll come back tomorrow night. I hope she brings back a lot of food!

It is raining again and the fire has died out. I tried to find more branches, but everything was all wet. Tonight will be really cold.

~

Dear Diary,

Eurodities is still not back yet. Maybe she’s met up with Daddy. I hope she has! Then she can come back and bring me to him soon.

The rain stopped, but everything is still wet. I am very hungry. I looked for food, but there was nothing but trees and grass. I don’t think you can eat those. I hope Eurodities comes back tomorrow.

~

Dear Diary,

I tried eating grass, but I don’t think that was a good idea because I got very sick. But I don’t see any food around, so I don’t know what to eat. The poisoned lake is keeping away the animals, but I think it’s also keeping away food.

I don’t think Eurodities is coming back. It’s been four days already and I am very cold and hungry. Maybe she can’t find me because she got lost. But I don’t want to stay here any longer. Tomorrow, I will go out and walk very far and see if I can go. I hope I will find a road.

~

Dear Diary,

I found berries around a fresh lake, so I drank lots of water and ate lots of berries. I think I ate too many berries again, because I got very sick. I don’t feel very well at all. I’m going to try and sleep now.

~

Dear Diary,

Last night was terrible. I think I heard animals all around me, but it was too dark too see anything, so I just curled up in a ball and prayed to Diamea. It looks really quiet now, but I see big footprints all around me. I am going to eat some berries and see if I can find a road.

~

Dear Diary,

I found a road, but it looked very overgrown like nobody uses it. I don’t know where I am and I don’t think the road goes anywhere at all. I’m really scared. I should have waited for Eurodities, but I didn’t and now I am going to be lost in this forest forever.

I found out what the animals were. They are wolves and they are following me. I don’t think wolves can climb trees, so I climbed a tree for the night, but the branches aren’t very big and comfortable and I don’t think I will sleep tonight. The wolves are below me watching. I don’t know what to do. I hope they are gone in the morning.

It’s getting dark, so I can’t write anymore, but I am glad I have you, Diary.

~

Dear Diary,

The wolves finally left this afternoon, but I think they’re still following me. I am scared. Granid would make fun of me if he saw me because of how scared I am. I don’t think he’s scared of anything.

I followed the road to see where it went, but it led to a town with nobody there. It looks like everybody just left. The houses were cold, but there was rotten food in the house, as if someone was getting ready for breakfast. It is silly. Why would you prepare breakfast when you will be gone the next day?

The food is mostly bad, but I found some dried sausages that tasted good and I ate that. I think there may be more food, but I am tired. I found a little bed that fits me and there are lots of blankets, so I am going to lock the doors. Then I am going to say my prayers and go to sleep.

I am very scared right now, but I am warm and full, so I know I should be grateful. When I wake up, I shall be braver. I know Daddy would say that I must be brave. He says that he tells the stories that he does so that I will be brave and be a hero when the time comes, just like all the other little girls in the stories.

I don’t think I am a very good hero, but I shall try my best. I hope I don’t have to be a hero for long.

~

Dear Diary,

Today is better. I can see the wolves walking outside, but I don’t think they will go inside. They are scared of the house, and as long as I stay inside, I will be safe. I must think of a way to get back to Daddy. I think Eurodities may be looking for me, so I must figure out a way that she will find me if she flies overhead. I think if I sleep on the roof, she will find me. I saw a ladder outside, but I will not go outside when the wolves are out.

This house is really smelly. I wish I could air it out but the wolves are outside and they must not get in. I’ve tried to find the smell, but I don’t know where it’s coming from. There is a lot of rotting food, but it’s mostly fruits and vegetables, and this smells like rotting meat. I am not sure what it is, but I need to get it out of the house. It smells awful and it makes me feel sick.

I think it may be in the locked room. There is one locked room that will not open. I will try to get in later so I can get rid of the smell.

So, I must try to get the ladder from outside and I must take out the rotten meat in the locked room. I will try this tomorrow. I also must get more food from the other houses. There are dried fruits and vegetables, but if I stay here for long, I will be hungry. Eurodities said that animals are afraid of fire, so I shall try to make a fire and maybe that will keep the wolves away while I get the food from the other houses.

I feel much better now that I’ve eaten and slept. I will write a note to the people who live in this house and tell them how much I appreciated their house and hospitality, even though they are not here. Daddy would be very happy about that. He always says that a thank you note is one of the best things in the world to receive and if more people sent more thank you notes the world would be a happier place. I’ve never gotten a thank you note, but it must be really nice to have people thank you.

Dear Kind Strangers,

Thank you for letting me stay at your house. I know that you do not know me, but I was lost in the forest. I thought I’d never get out, but I found your house and I was saved. May Diamea bless and preserve you.

Love always,

Solea

Maybe they’ll come back and I’ll be able to tell them personally. Otherwise, I’ll leave them this note for them. I will pray for them tonight.

~

Dear Diary,

I am so upset! I found out what was in the locked room and I feel very sick. It wasn’t rotten meat – it was a mommy and her baby! But the mommy looked green and she smelled like rotten meat and the baby was the same. There were bugs living in them and it was awful. I got scared so I ran out. Then I remembered the wolves, so I ran back in. But I am so scared and frightened and I don’t know what to do.

There was a note nearby them too. I didn’t see them at first because it was so dark, but I saw the note because it was white and close to the door. It says this:

Black Swan attack. We were the only ones left. May we meet again in Diamea’s blessed paradise.

I don’t know what this means. I have heard of Diamea’s paradise, but only people who die go there. But the mommy cannot be dead, otherwise she would be buried and she’s not. I think she is cursed forever.

Maybe the Black Swan didn’t take away her soul right and that’s why she is there. Daddy said that Black Swans eat the souls of humans and once they did their bodies would disappear until the White Swans healed them.

Maybe she didn’t have a good soul and she was allowed to rot. Maybe she was cursed. I wonder, if a Black Swan tried to eat me, maybe the same thing would happen and I would be smelly and rotten. Or maybe she’s dead, but nobody buried her and now she is rotting. I wonder if my mommy is rotting. Maybe that’s why I am cursed. Maybe I am cursed because my mommy is rotting and I survived. Maybe that’s why they are cursed. Maybe they are cursed because they were the only ones left.

I don’t understand why the Black Swans would do this and leave them behind when they took everyone else. It makes me feel awful. I can’t imagine Eurodities or Archondid doing this. They’re Black Swans, but I don’t think they would do this. But maybe the Black Swan who was attacking our neighbors would. He seemed really mean. Eurodities said Black Swans could be very mean when they attacked. But why would they try to hurt a mommy and her baby?

I feel really sick and not well. I wish Daddy were here because he would know what to do. I feel so stupid and scared. I know I am supposed to be brave, but I don’t feel brave. I feel sick.

~

Dear Diary,

The wolves have all disappeared. I don’t know why, but I am scared. I moved into another house and I am hiding. I hope they left because they found something bigger to eat, but it might be because a Black Swan has come. If it is, I hope it’s Eurodities. I don’t want to rot.

~

Dear Diary,

It is a Black Swan. I don’t think it’s Eurodities or Archondid. I think he thinks I am here, but he is not sure, so he is watching. I hope he goes away soon. He moves really slowly, but I think that is a trap. He probably can move really fast when he wants to.

Daddy told me that whenever a Black Swan is about to attack you, the first thing you should do is to prick your finger so it smells your blood. He says that Black Swans have a very good sense of smell and if they smell blood, they will stop because that will remind them that they can eat your soul instead of attacking you. When he said this, I told him that I didn’t want to have my soul eaten, but now I am not sure.

I hope Eurodities comes soon. I don’t think I could face a Black Swan alone.

Hey there Snoink!

You might be my only review for today so cheers! haha.

I really enjoyed this chapter, more than the others, I think, because it was a nice blend of action and thoughts. I thought it so sad that she was left alone in the cave.

My only issue is with the time frame. She's just a small girl, but she managed to go four days without food? Maybe even more because she was already hungry. I can't believe she could go so long without food, and without being very sick.

Other than that, I loved this. It's a great story so far, keep up the great work!

Tanya

Hello!
This is really great it held my attention and made me want to read on, it has great imagery and thoughts mixed in.
I don't have nitpicks at all for this piece its truly fantastic, I'm going to read the next part now.
*Follows and likes*
SweetMoments

Hey, Snoink! I love the little girl’s voice throughout all these chapters! You’ve done an awesome job.
Anyways, I found a few problems with this chapter. One was what B2 already pointed out. She seems to be able to survive for quite a long time without food. Also, she should have written something in her diary about her stomach hurting, since that all you feel when you’re starving.
Another thing is those wolves. They found her one night on the ground, yet did not attack her? That’s not right.
That’s pretty much all I could find wrong about it! Rellay, this whole thing is really perfect.
Oh, and that bit about her speculating the technicalities of death is just WINS.
Jenth

Hello, hello!

I enjoyed this as well as the other two. I think it's the whole seven-year-old perspective that's really selling this to me. Typically, we see all these terrible things happen from the perspective of someone older who understands. I'm very intrigued by this young girl! And I also feel sad that she's exposed to so much awfulness. =(

So right! Comments! I liked the dozens of short diary entries here about her survival outdoors. I was kind of hoping for more writing though? She's been stuck here for four days, so I was hoping for more story-telling or filler entries that would distract her to pass the time. That aside, the short diary entries makes it feel like she's confused and frightened, trying to find survive by her little self and just making a few updates in her diary. The entries don't really go into detail about what she runs into though if this is the case. It generally sounds like a boring adventure in the forest! I think it should sound a little more scary, especially in the eyes of a girl as young as she.

I saw the dead body coming, though that's not a bad thing. I'm older than her, so I understand what she's saying more than she does. xD But man, if I was her, I'd be crying my little heart out and making such a sobbing raucous that the wolves would probably growl or howl at me. xD She didn't sound scared enough to me, though again, that may be because it sounds more like a narration than a heart-to-heart chat.

I don't have anymore thoughts though. D: The cliffhanger bothers me too much, so I'm gonna go read the next chapter now!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Okay I'm back! Yay! lol

So I feel extremely horrible for this child right now. I don't understand why her diary entries are still lacking some emotion though. I mean, it's there but it doesn't give off the fact that she's starving for food and that she's probably tired and hurt. I would've liked to see some more depth to her emotions in this. I feel like this would be an extremely terrifying time for a little person to go through.

I'm glad she has determination and all but she seems a bit too naive, if you know what I mean. :/
Sometimes I get kind of annoyed that she's not crying. Is that bad? I don't know but I know my sister and she seems to be the same age and she's too scared to close the door to the bathroom at night so staying four days in the forest without food and being by herself in the dark, well she would've cried and screamed all day long.

For something which I thought was going to be a cute, fun children's story this seems quite dark and scary, Snoink! >:[
I'm not entirely disappointed, I think your novel is still quite amazing and definietly interesting to read. I find myself lost in Solea's words every time and I can't help but keep reading the chapters one after another. xD I think I might be up all night reading this. That's good! xD

Alright, I'm still sort of confused with Black Swans vs. White Swans. I keep thinking the black swans are bad guys and evil but Eurodities is a black swan so maybe not all Black Swans are bad guys? I don't exactly get it but hopefully it will be explained a little further.

Overall, it's another great chapter of entries.
I enjoyed it.

-Pink

WOO I'm back! :3
Waaaaa I knew it! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!! I was acting like I was watching a horror movie! "Don't go in the room! DON'T GO IN THE ROOM!" but nope. What did she do?? SHE WENT IN THE ROOM! Dang children. They just never listen, do they?

I don’t think Eurodities is coming back. It’s been four days already and I am very cold and hungry. Maybe she can’t find me because she got lost. But I don’t want to stay here any longer. Tomorrow, I will go out and walk very far and see if I can go. I hope I will find a road.

I would have cried here. I don't know about you, but even though I'm twice the MC's age, I would definitely cry. Which means, that a little girl would probably cry harder than me. I don't know. Maybe she's really uber tough but she's getting kind of annoying because she seems almost stoic at some places. She COULD be in shock and maybe that's why she's not crying? But really, I definitely would have started my trail to insanity here.

I followed the road to see where it went, but it led to a town with nobody there. It looks like everybody just left. The houses were cold, but there was rotten food in the house, as if someone was getting ready for breakfast. It is silly. Why would you prepare breakfast when you will be gone the next day?

This right here scares the CRAP outta me! Abandoned village? Food still on the table like someone just up and left?! BAD SIGN, BAD SIGN!! Oh and the whole rotting meat thing. I KNEW it was a dead person, I just knew it!! I feel SO bad for this innocent little girl
I think you've done a good job in making me care about her. I really feel bad for her and I just wanna hug her! She will definitely be traumatized by the time she reaches her father, no doubt.

*cough* I STILL don't know what the heck a White/Black Swan is! I'm guessing Black Swans are for attacking and White Swans are for healing? What are they used for? Why are they important? Why are they here? WHY ARE THEY SNOBBY!! Come on, I'm curious here! lol

Whoa, this just went from like mildly bad to, like, really, really bad.

Reading comments before me, people were mentioning that they wanted to see more emotion, more fear in the entries, but honestly, I liked it the way it was. I mean, she's seven, not fourteen. She's probably not all that "in-touch" with her "emotions" and stuff. When I wrote in my journal when I was little, this is pretty much what my entries sounded like, even when I was actually really emotional about stuff. In fact, the dry way in which it was all written made such things as "I miss Daddy" that much more powerful. I mean, I just wanted to wrap her up and snug her, what with how brave she was being.

The one thing that did bother me about the entries were all the entries in the time while she is struggling to survive. I know that we needed to keep up with her, but it just felt like filler. I mean, if I were struggling to survive, I wouldn't probably be writing in my diary. It made a bit more sense when she talked about how glad she was to have her diary, but she was surrounded by wolves then. I mean, sure, it's a comforting thing, but is she really going to take the time to write all that out (considering it probably takes her longer to write things out) and do it so frequently? I know I'd be all like "survive now" and then like days later be like "hokay, still alive" and that'd be it. But then, I'm coming from an older perspective, so maybe it's just me. I think what bothered me about them was that they were long. The entries that were like three or four sentences were fine, but then there'd be some that were like two or three paragraphs instead. It sort of, I dunno, lessened the danger? She's spending a lot of time on these things, so she obviously isn't in that much danger (aside from maybe starving).

I am really liking this. It is a little frustrating being trapped in the mind of a seven year-old when I want to understand what is going on, but in a way, that adds to the mood. I'm trapped by intellectual constraints instead of physical ones in terms of seeing the outside world and it is only slowly being revealed. Very nice way of adding to the suspense.

*likedylikelike*

~GryphonFledgling

Hi,

Oh, Snoink! You've done it again! Very good!!! This was sooo sad! It made me question things in there. Like, why didn't Euro come back? Closer to the beginning, I saw that childhood ignorance show up! It was charming to see she hopped that Euro would bring her back soup! While the probability of any little kid doing what she does is very low, she seems back/near her original age. That's a very good thing! I also noticed ho much you sid she got sick. Was that multipe fevers, one long sickness, or just a tummy ache? I got confused and a tad bit irritated by the repetitive-ness of it. When she found the mother and her baby in the locked room, I almost cried! Though, unfortunately, I saw something like that happening. So, the WOW factor kind of disappeared. I loved how at the end you added about 80 tons of fear! It had me thrilled and expectant to see what would happen! Oh, and on her second entry, you put

"Wait a day and wait..."

so I just wanted to point that out. Last, but not least, you had your familiar foe named Grammar show up again! Less of 'em this time, but he made his appearence know. Overall, while my review sounded really harsh, I truely liked this! It is very good! Good job, friend!

Farewell,
A.

Hi there Snoink. I finally am fulfilling my promise to you! So. Let's see how this goes. Also, I've made a point of only skimming across the previous reviews or else I'm influenced by their ideas. I may, however, stress upon some already stated. So. for substance.

A) Contractions. Okay, I do realize that Solea is younger and perhaps her vocabulary hasn't really developed into a more mature style, but nonetheless... The thing I noticed was that frequently you didn't use contractions with Solea. For example:

I am glad that I don’t have to walk anymore and I am happy that Eurodities will bring back food.

I think, though, as I mentioned above, Solea's vocabulary hasn't fully developed, this becomes a little tedious to read. With a lot of words that could be contracted and aren't in this, it almost seems to lose a bit of its "magic". You do have the chance to change it up a bit. Using the sentence quoted above, it kind of reads like: "I am, I am, I am, I am." Slow-reading and not quite that interesting. This also happens more throughout this chapter and with "I will" as well.

B) Repetitions. This also kind of sort of ties in with the bit about contractions, but it's, however, still different and needs to be addressed separately. The thing is, you're also tending to repeat certain verbs over and, just as the lack of contractions, it is tedious to read.

So, I must try to get the ladder from outside and I must take out the rotten meat in the locked room.

It's just the same as the, "I am, I am, I am, I am." It's blocky which isn't usually desirable in writing, unless that was what you were aiming at, but I don't think so. It's just the repetition of the verbs and words that annoys me a little...

Another thing with the repetitions, is when Solea writes, for yet another example:

I am cold and hungry. We didn’t bring any blankets with us and it’s really cold right now.

First, to be frank, the reader knows that it must be cold when Solea states that she herself is rather cold. And then, when you repeat it, it sounds not-so-great. You do this one or twice more in the chapter....

I am scared. Granid would make fun of me if he saw me because of how scared I am. I don’t think he’s scared of anything.

This one's a wee bit different from the rest, though. But, it's another "I am, I am, I am, I am" case. Perhaps the first "scared" (first line of this quote) could be "frightened", maybe. Just to shake it up a bit. Or not. Because you could also re-arrange the second line [of this quote] to something along the lines of: Granid would make fun of me if he saw me like this. <--- But that's only a suggestion



I found few. Which was only what I expected!

but she told me that animals avoided poisoned lakeS,

Plural on lakes.


Overall, I liked this. It really had a rhythm once it got going and even though there wasn't much that happened, it was intriguing, if a little obvious. I think I guessed Solea would wait a long time for Eurodities and that the locked room would have a body or two or something in it. But I enjoyed it.

Yours,
Lavvie

Snoinkers.

I am possibly in love. This chapter sold me on the story, for whatever reason. Despite the fact that I know more about what's going on than perhaps anyone else, I'm invested. I'm in. And I'm very much excited.

As others have mentioned, the increase in the action had a lot to do with this. We're getting to know more about the Swans and getting answers... and at the same time, there's a certain amount of horror that goes with knowing that there's a little girl out there who needs you! Who's looking at a dead body and getting sick and being stalked by wolves. How could I not keep reading now, now what she, Solea, is in trouble, and the only thing that I have to go by is her diary? I now know how a 911 dispatcher feels when receiving a call from a child.

Every maternal instinct in me is going, "I WILL HELP YOUUUUUUU". (Tanya was probably having that five thousand times worse.)

From a writerly, story perspective... it's damn compelling.

There are still some parts where I think, "A little kid would never write that." You have the tone down pat but the sentence structures are still too intense in some places. I could go through and point them all out but I don't know what good that'd do you.

I agree with the others about some of the time frame issues. A little girl without food or shelter for four days and more? Yikes. Even if she was a bit plump, I don't know if she'd be functional enough to write, but I guess she did get some berries and such.... but, I more or less have no idea what I'm talking about. I've never gone four days without food, apart from that one time I was horrifically sick and drinking broth was a heroic feat...but anyway.

If her foraging is perhaps a bit more successful? That could work. Find some apples.

Also, while she's waiting for Eurodites to come back, when she isn't starving... that's the time I think I'd spend the entire day drawing or writing in my diary, so this could be a potential opening for her to tell us more fairytales. She's not exactly pressed for time, and always remembering that she's telling the diary these things, not the reader (obviously), and the details the reader wants and the ones she gives the diary might not be the same. I started to really, really believe the last few entries, though, for whatever reason. They seemed like the type of things a girl would enter...

...but what else is she doing with her time not spent writing? I'm curious about that.

I agree with Gryph about the emotion stuff. I like it the way it is. The "I miss Daddy" line tore my wee little heart into two and kids in my experience don't have much variation in terms of emotion... crabby/tired, pissed off, happy, sad. Not a lot of fine shades in between. So, I liked that as it was.

I can't write any more than this. Must go read next chapter. Solea, I shall save yoooooooooooooooooooooouuuuu.