Seth Xyrell the Lost

First of all, this came from the browser game, Magic Duel Adventure (http://magicduel.com), and I wrote this in the 'Comments on Self' of my character which is named Seth Xyrell. I wrote it in a pretty much poetic form so I thought I would share this here.

Anyway, I don't know if this poem belongs in this category. lol

As a character description for a roleplaying game, it's certainly much better than most. However, even as a character description, it's a bid odd.

Part of the problem is that you have a congruency issue in the second stanza. Take these four lines for example:

I am like the Water,
Stagnant until space lets me flow.
I am like the Fire,
Alive until the wind comes blowing.

You're trying to compare and contrast different elements, but in order to do that, you need to follow the order you set up. With water, you talk about it being dead until something is done to it. But with fire, you talk about it being alive until something is done to it. In order to solve the congruency issue, you need to choose whether you want both to be alive or both to be dead before something is done to them. Otherwise it's just confusing.

As a sidenote, the fire one doesn't really work. Unless you're dealing with a match, wind makes fires bigger.

The last stanza also gave me pause. The first two lines are good, but the last four lines just make the guy sound like a wimp. Moreover, the last four lines really have nothing to do with the rest of the poem. I'd suggest just scrapping them, which would make your poem end on a rather enigmatic and powerful "I struggle with balance."

Hi there, Shadow here. First, this is a rather good poem (if that's what you want to call it). Second, I agree with Nate about the contrast. It doesn't make much sence there. But I also agree that the last four lines make him sound weak. I say get rid of them, but that's just me. Other than that, this is really cool, and a really good way to describe a character the way you're doing it. Keep up the good work and if you need anything else reviewed, don't hesitate to ask me. It would be my pleasure to read some more of your work. Best of luck.

~Forsakinshadow~

Hey Whisperer,

Just to add on to the comments about the elements, you're mixing them into one another in two of them: air with (water) vapor, fire with wind/air. It could be interesting if you did something like that for all four, or for none--having it for only half feels like an unfinished job.

A couple other little things:
"Bound by the limits of inexperience" falls a tad flat, and kind of contradicts what comes next, inasmuch as one could associate the elements with a semblance of power when that above line is very much not, and while it does kind of work with that last stanza, but Nate and sakin have pointed out the iffy thing in it.

There's also the matter of the last three lines, which sound pretty cliche and overdone. Maybe try making it into something a little bit more original?

Hope that helps.