Nameless story chapter 2

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After muchos deliberation, I decided to start writing my nameless story again *applause, please*. I usually don't write stories again after I abandon them, but I liked this one. Anyway, read it. :pirate3:

Chapter 2
Corrina

The floor was cold against my almost-bare feet as I stumbled into the hall to watch my childhood friend await judgment. The air was cool and damp. I could taste the salt in the brisk morning breeze from over the sea, sour in my mouth. A staple in the Port Taylon diet of fish and seaweed.

Jason was standing behind me his hands on my shoulders, almost supporting me. I was swaying on my feet from shock. Vivien Taylor Scarlett. Who would have thought that I would ever have seen her again? When she had left three years ago, without a word of goodbye to anyone but Scott, we thought that it had been forever. Anyone who knew Vivienne would have known that she was too proud to frequent a place that she had said her farewells to.

All at once, the murmurs died down in the hall, leaving it eerily silent. The only sounds were the screaming of the vengeful wind and the ever present slap of sea against stone. Then another, only just audible caught my attention. A scraping of metal against stone. My elder brother Scott came into the hall slowly, his powerful frame filling the door. Rather than his usual expression of confidence, he looked troubled.

“The…” Scott stopped for one awful second. I could see regret and indecision written on his face. “The prisoner is brought.” He rumbled, then stood aside. He had done it. He had referred to Vivien, the girl he had grown up with and loved as his own sister as “the prisoner”. There was another moment of silence. Then, slowly, the scraping started again and my best friend stumbled into the hall. Jason’s hands tensed on my shoulders.

She entered slowly, not just because of the shackles on her feet but also to satisfy her theatrical tendencies. She was building the tension. She stood in the doorway for a few moments, appearing to be unsteady on her feet. Then she made her slow, painful way into the centre of the room.

She was so thin. That was the first thing that I thought, looking at her. As a little girl she had been enchantingly plump, with dimples like a child’s fingerprint in cream. Her wavy golden hair had descended almost down to her waist. A pretty child, the adults had all agreed. She would be beautiful one day. But now… Her hair had been shorn off; she had a cluster of golden ringlets, curling tightly to her ears, like a little cap. Her ankles were tiny and child-like, and her legs were as slim as a doe’s. Her big green eyes were haunted and under them were smudged dark shadows. But worse than that….She turned her head slightly, and I breathed in sharply. There was a long, jagged scar, running from her temple to her jaw bone. It gleamed, bone white against her skin as she made her way to the large stone chair in the centre if the hall. Her legs were trembling.

Abruptly, a rush of anger flooded my mind. What right did she have to come in here, looking like some sort of tragic heroine? All around me, I could see people’s eyes softening as they watched her shivering in the morning cold. She was always had to be special; there was always some mystery about her.
They had whispered that she was really a countess-no, a princess! The hair to the throne in some far away land and snatched from her bed at seven years old! No, she had been a slave girl that had served in the east until she had killed her master with his own jewelled fruit knife and fled! All we really know is she turned up one rainy morning in Port Taylon and flatly repeated that she didn’t remember anything. She was about seven years old. We pretend we know more, but Vivien is a paradox until she wants to be solved. Even as a child she was the same. People like to whisper. But not about me. Never about me. The miller’s daughter, dependable, moderately intelligent, moderately pretty, the willing standard bearer in our childhood games. Never shocking, spicy, dangerous, scandalous, glittering, dangerous. That was Vivien.

“The trial has begun.” Scott sat down with the face of a man who wished he were dead. I turned my face towards Vivien, as did everyone else in the hall. She looked back at us, eyes blank. Then, slowly, she began to speak.




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Hey, here for chapter two!

Okay, so again you've done a really good job of immersing the reader in this world and getting us interested in these characters, in the story.

The only sounds were the screaming of the vengeful wind and the ever present slap of sea against stone. Then another, only just audible caught my attention.

I know you were just talking about sounds, but the second sentence still felt like it lacked a subject. Perhaps just adding in another "sound" would help with the sentence structure, so it would be like this: "Then another sound, only just audible, caught my attention."

“The prisoner is brought.”

This sounds very awkward. You could easily replace "brought" with "here," or even reword it to something simple like: "The prisoner has been brought." Although that also sounds a bit off.

The hair to the throne in some far away land

This made me laugh, though it was unintentional. "Heir" is the spelling you're looking for. ;)

All we really know is she turned up one rainy morning in Port Taylon and flatly repeated that she didn’t remember anything. She was about seven years old. We pretend we know more, but Vivien is a paradox until she wants to be solved. Even as a child she was the same. People like to whisper.

You changed tenses in this sentence from past to present and back again, and it gets very confusing. Keep it consistent, and change those present-tense instances (bolded) to past.

All right, so that's it! I hope you continue writing this, it's good and I'm eager to know more! Please PM me if you've got any questions or whatnot, and please let me know when you post more. Cheers! (:
There are two kinds of folks who sit around thinking about how to kill people:
psychopaths and mystery writers.

I'm the kind that pays better.
~Rick Castle




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Ok, thanks for the review :)




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So I'm here to review! As requested :)
Sorry if some of these have already been pointed out. I haven't thoroughly read the previous review you see...
Aquareed wrote:almost-bare
I don't think the hyphen is needed here.
The next two sentences don't fit very well together.
Aquareed wrote: The air was cool and damp and I could taste the salt

However, then you'd have two 'and's. *shrugs* What a predicament!
Aquareed wrote:Vivienne
I take it you meant Vivien?
Aquareed wrote:Then, slowly, the scraping started again and my best friend stumbled into the hall.
If, as you state, she has not seen her or thought of her for a great length of time I doubt se would still refer to her as her best friend. Maybe it would be her 'old best friend' or 'ex best friend'. You get the gist.
Aquareed wrote:Her ankles were tiny and child-like, and her legs were as slim as a doe’s.

You have put 'but' yet to me having slim legs doesn't seem like something that would contradict the common conception of beauty and therefore prove the adults wrong.
Aquareed wrote:She was always had to be special; there was always some mystery about her.

I don't think I repeated any of the previous points but sorry if I have!
Ask me if you have any questions :)




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I must say I really liked this chapter, and I'm glad to see you continued writing this story. I don't have much critisism, except maybe for the end, where you accidentally used "dangerous" twice. You do really well with description, and also with charecter development, which the two most important and hard to balence aspects of writing fiction, and your command of the english language is fantastic. I look forward to reading further chapters, and I highly suggest you continue writing this. your friend,
---Psudiname
if anyone wants a review, post on my profile and I'll get to it in a couple days.




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Hi Aqua! :D

Sorry, I'm probably reaaaaally late with this review. But anyway, let's see here...

I loved this chapter. It gives off a very Victorian-ish edge, at least to me, and I just love that period for some reason. :D Your description was very good and your characters seem very well-thought-out. Just one question; have you thought about titling the story? :D

Robyn.
I am the workingman, the inventor, the maker of the world's food and clothes.
I am the audience that witnesses history.
- Carl Sandburg, I am the People, the Mob



Perhaps the real rickroll was the friends we made along the way
— GengarIsBestBoy