Emo Poetry -- A Note from Death

Emo Poetry -- A Note from Death

Dear friend: come along

Surrender to the tides of pain
slit your wrists; snort cocaine.

Run with me upon
the red river's shore
It's fun,
I promise.
And if you're lucky you might even fall in.

Oh, sing an ode to bloody teary trails
tracing scarred-white skin
expelling the hurt within.

The surf is super today, my friend.
Where else can you ride red waves like these?
You have a lot on your mind
and need a distraction.

To let a day like today slip by
would not be wise.
Let yourself be carried away, and
Let yourself drown.

So, grab a board my friend
and join me in the sea.

Eh, this didn't do anything for me. I mean, I could see that you were going for the shock value and whatever by making the narrator almost bored and nonchalant about the whole thing. But, the only way this is actually going to be shocking is if you let the subject pop out nonchalantly in the poem once and then you continue it, either as it's not important at all or in absolute grizzly detail that upsets the readers. I like the second idea, because I am a mean person to my readers, but I think you're going for the first. So, if you want to pull off the first, you need to just briefly mention it and then continue on as nothing happened, but it gets weirder.

A quick example of what I mean (by bringing it up casually) is this:

The sky is boundless today and it stretches across
like a canopy over the deep green sea.
The gnats are buzzing over the sand and kelp
lines the beach like scalped mermaid hair
while the sea comes in, pulsing like your veins
which tremble under the razor over your wrist.

I wrote that just now. It kind of sucks, so be thankful you don't have to read the rest of the poem that I wrote up with it! XD But! The main point here is that subtlety is your best friend. The lead in and then the shock will freak them out, and if you continue like it's no big deal, it'll freak them out more. So you should avoid things like:

Oh, sing an ode to bloody teary trails
tracing scarred-white skin
expelling the hurt within.

Because that makes it too obvious.

And, if you continue it like it's nonchalant and no big deal, then you have to use more details! From your descriptions, it doesn't look like you know the ocean that well because they're not very realistic. The language is shallow at best. If you want to use the surfing language, learn it really well and use that language here. This poem will be sooooo much better for it.

Wow, this is really good in a scary sort of way. I love the imagery, and how you portray an emo's life from his/her point of view. I only hvae one nitpick but it is minor:

Dear friend: come along

I don't quite get wether you are sopeaknig to your "dear friend" or if your dear friend is speaking to you, some quotation marks or removing the ":"

Other than that it's perfect

Well, I'm not emo, but I have friends who are. I don't know if this is really the thoughts that an emo person would have, but I can't speak for them.

Again, the only thing is that first line. Maybe a comma, or a semi-colon?

Thanks a million for the reviews. They've been great. I seem to have been too cryptic in my meaning behind my poem and I've therefore edited the title.

Keep well!